I force my features to remain neutral but I think he can sense my relief, and I’m almost positive that he enjoys my reaction. His fingers gently stroke my cheek and I can’t help but to lean into his touch, I’m lost in it, no longer in control of my actions or reactions. I tilt my head up, push off of the counter and onto my tiptoes and before I can think it through mesh my lips to his. His hands grab onto my hips, pushing me back down again until I’m leaning against the sink. He follows me down, using his strength to take control of the kiss, using his tongue to coax my mouth open and slowly guiding it into my mouth. And just like that my crush on Logan is gone, replaced with lust and few other emotions that I have no desire to think about. My arms slide around his neck as his slip around my waist pulling me closer to him uniting us like two puzzle pieces locking together. It’s a brilliant rainbow in an otherwise dark and cloudy day. I never knew a kiss could be like this it feels like more. It’s as if though I’m opening up a part of me to Logan that no one else has ever been privy to and he’s doing the same for me. It excites me and scares me at the same time; no one has ever ignited the fire inside of me the way that he does.
The sound of Lily crying comes through the baby monitor that I brought downstairs with me earlier. I pull away from Logan and instantly the spell is broken, it’s as if someone has thrown a bucket of cold water over my head. I can’t tell by looking at him what he’s thinking but I can only assume that it’s not good. I can’t believe that I actually kissed him. I can feel the heat rushing up to my cheeks and I’m completely mortified. He reaches out for my hand but I dodge him.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” I say.
He cocks his brow, looking as confused as I feel. He shakes his head at me. “No, Mia.”
“I know.” I groan covering my eyes with my hands. I don’t want him to see my mortification. “It was completely inappropriate, you’ve been nothing short of amazing to me and Lily and…”
He reaches for me again but I take a step back. “It’s okay, I…”
“No, it’s not okay.” I sigh, looking away. “I have to go check on her.” I move out of the kitchen and quickly bound up the stairs, going into Lily’s room and locking the door behind me. I pick her up out of her crib and sit in the rocking chair. I hold her to my chest, and place a kiss on her little forehead. I close my eyes, biting back tears, mentally kicking myself for what I did and hoping that I haven’t just outworn my welcome with Logan.
After I get Lily back to sleep I use the connecting bathroom to get back to my room. I just don’t think I can handle a run in with Logan right now. I change into a pair of pajama pants and a tank top then crawl into bed. I can’t shake the embarrassment that I’m feeling. I mean, yes Logan has flirted with me a time or two, but there’s a huge difference between innocent flirting and sucking someone’s face off. As stupid as it was of me to do it, I can’t help but relish in how good it felt to be in his arms, how good it felt to feel his arms around me; my lips are still tingling.
A gentle rapping on my door pulls me from my thoughts. I lift my head just in time to see Logan slowly opening my door and peeking his head in.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I reply, inwardly praying that he’ll just take pity on me and go away. Let me wallow in my misery and self-hate all alone.
“Can I come in?”
What am I supposed to say? No Logan, you can’t come into a bedroom in the house that you own? A bedroom that you’re letting me use for free?
I let out a sigh and push up onto my elbows so that I can get a better look at him. “Of course you can come in. It’s your house.”
He crosses the room in a few quick steps and before I can question or protest he’s hopping up on the bed and lying down next to me on top of the covers.
My eyes go wide with surprise. “What are you doing?”
He brings his arms up and places his hands behind his head, using them as a pillow. “Relaxing for a minute it’s been a long day.”
“You have your own room to relax in, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he replies, turning his head to the side so that he can look at me, “but I wanted to talk to you. This kills two birds with one stone.”
I know Logan enough to know that he’s not going anywhere until he gets his way so I do the only thing I can do. I let out a huff and roll my eyes. “Fine, talk.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened downstairs?” There’s no anger in his voice, no reproach in his tone. He’s cool, calm and collected; right now I envy his ability to remain level headed.
“I… I don’t know, I just thought that maybe… I…”
“What?”
I bury my head in the pillow and muffle out an answer. “I thought that maybe you wanted me to kiss you.”
“You’re wrong.”
Oh my God, if ever there was a time I’d like for the floor to open up and swallow me whole this is it. This is by far the most humiliating moment of my life. “Yeah, I got that.” I croak out.
He slips his hand between the pillow and my face and tugs at my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I didn’t want you to kiss me because I wanted to be the one who kissed you, and I would’ve but you beat me to it, and I liked it. I wanted it.”
I inhale a sharp breath, this was not what I was expecting him to say. “I thought…”
“I know what you thought and I’m telling you that you’re wrong.” He strokes my cheek like he did earlier in the kitchen. “You flipped out and ran away before I could say a word, Mia. I care about you, I like you, and maybe I always have. From the first day I met you, I knew there was something about you.”
“Logan, I’m glad that you feel that way about me, I am pretty sure you must know that by what happened earlier, and as happy as I am that I wasn’t out on that ledge alone this is probably not the best idea. I come with too much baggage and I have too many issues to get involved with anyone right now.”
“Lily isn’t baggage.”
“I know, I didn’t mean it that way, I just… I can’t.”
He nods slowly. “Alright, I respect you, Mia. If that’s how you feel about this then we’ll do it your way. We’ll just be friends.”
“And you’ll really be okay with that?” A part of me is hoping that he’ll say no but I know that it’s for the best. He wouldn’t want me if he knew everything there was to know about me and he deserves better. Someone who can love him and give him a family of his own, not a ready-made family.
“Sure,” he says, closing his eyes.
“What are you doing now?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to sleep.”
“This isn’t your room.”
“Go to sleep, Mia. I’ve had a long day and I’m too tired to move now.” I should fight him, tell him to get out and that I have no intention of sharing my bed or my heart with him, but he would be able to see right through the façade. He knows every single word I’ve just said was done so with very little conviction, I’m starting to realize that I’ve never wanted anyone to love me more that I want Logan Tate to. Instead of fighting a losing battle, I turn on my side and close my eyes—taking comfort in the fact that even if it’s for a little while longer Logan is here with me.
It’s been two weeks since the break in at my apartment and it feels like an eternity since I kissed Logan in the kitchen. Since the night he came into my room and slept in my bed. Things have been otherwise normal but every night since then, after I’ve put Lily down for the night and after I’ve gone to bed, Logan comes into my room and sleeps in my bed.
He always stays on top of the covers and we talk and laugh. He tells me about his family life and what it was like growing up here, and though the sexual tension is there, neither of us has acted on it again. What we’ve built in the last few days is so much more than the desire to act out on our feelings. It’s more than a stolen kiss in the kitchen. It’s two people spending time together, getting to know each other, and day by d
ay coming to trust one another.
Work has been a little awkward to say the least but Sarah finally made good on her word and put me on the books last week. That means I’ll be eligible for health benefits for Lily and myself, and I can stop going to the clinic and get her a real pediatrician in a few months.
Logan picked me up on my lunch hour and he and I are on our way to do a walk through of my apartment with my landlord, Janet. I left Lily at the daycare center and when I walked out to the front desk to meet Logan I found he and Sarah in what appeared to be a heated conversation. I didn’t want to assume but I could pretty much assume that I was the topic of discussion. Not to mention the fact that all conversation ceased when I approached them.
“What were you and Sarah talking about before?” I ask from the passenger side of the truck. I try my best not to sound bothered or catty even though that’s exactly how I feel.
He looks uncomfortable as he glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “Um...”
“Sorry, it’s none of my business. You don’t have to answer that.”
“No, it’s fine. She just wants to make sure that I’m not…” He hesitates.
“You’re not what?”
“Taking advantage of you. She thinks you’re too young for me.”
“I bet she does.” I mumble under my breath and roll my eyes. “I think she’s more worried about you getting tied down with just another teen mom than she is about anything else.”
“Mia, you’re not a stereotype to me. The fact that you’re young and have a baby doesn’t bother me. I am completely in awe of you, of what you did for Lily.”
“Thanks.” I look away from him quickly in a poor attempt to hide the blush creeping up my cheeks.
We pull up in front of my building and a sense of sadness washes over me. This is it. As long as all of the repairs have been done, I can move back into my apartment with Lily tonight. I should be happy about getting my own place back, but the empty feeling in my chest is gnawing away at me and it has everything to do with Logan. Everything to do with how much I’m going to miss him.
Janet is already there when we arrive. “Kelly, Officer Tate,” she says with a cheery smile. Logan looks down at me at the mention of the name that I was using up until a few days ago.
“Hi Janet,” I respond as Logan shakes her hand.
She leads us into my apartment.
Janet unlocks the front door. “We’ve changed the locks on the door for you and added a security chain,” she says, more for Logan’s benefit than for mine. He barely acknowledges the change.
We walk around the apartment while Janet points out more of the changes that she’s made in order to make it a safer place to live.
“So what do you think, Officer Tate? I think that we’ve addressed everything on your list.”
“I didn’t notice these bars on the window,” Logan says, pointing toward the living room windows.
My mouth opens in shock. “Logan!” I sputter out, trying to get him to stop.
“Well, they’re child proof windows.” Janet announces, looking back and forth between the both of us. I think she’s as confused about our relationship as I am.
“No, ma’am. What they are is a fire hazard and they have to be taken off.”
“Logan…”
“Kelly…If there is a fire, you and Lily would be stuck. There would be no way to get out of this apartment.” He turns back to Janet. “I also noticed a large crack in the bathroom ceiling and some evidence of leakage.”
Janet looks as if though she’s been slapped in the face. “Well, I…”
“Look Janet, you seem like a really nice person but given the circumstances, I’m just not so sure that this is the best place for a young mother and her child.”
“Logan!” I demand in a warning tone. It doesn’t phase him, he practically ignores me.
“I just think that maybe Kelly is a little in over her head here, Janet. She needs more of a move in ready kind of place, a place with more room for Lily. You can understand that, right?”
“Well, she’s only been here a few weeks. She signed a lease for a year.”
“And I’m sure that given what transpired here last week you’d be more than willing to let a young mother out of that lease. I mean, would you have been comfortable coming back to live in an apartment that was just burglarized?”
“Janet,” I say, pushing myself in front of Logan and into the conversation, “Logan is just being really overprotective…”
“No Kelly, I’m just being honest.” He comes around from behind me and moves to stand next to me. “What do you say, Janet?”
She looks about ready to throw something; she avoids Logan’s cop stare and turns to face me. “It’s clear that Officer Tate is not comfortable with you staying here sweetie. Perhaps it’s for the best for me to let you out of your lease. If you leave me a forwarding address I’ll cut you a check for your security deposit.”
“That’s very kind of you, Janet. We’ll make sure to have everything moved out by Sunday.”
And just like that I go from independence to homelessness.
I’m seething by the time we make it back to the car.
“Well, that went well.”
“Are you fricking crazy? Are you serious right now?”
“What? You’re getting your security deposit back, Kelly. You should be happy.”
“Stop calling me that.” I growl.
“Why? That’s the name you wanted to be known by, Kelly.”
“You’re a real jerk you know that? I’m homeless now, Logan. Are you happy? You must be so proud of yourself making me lose the only decent apartment that I could afford.”
“Oh, Mia.”
I can hear the remorse in his voice now and some of the anger begins to dissipate but it’s quickly replaced with fear. What the hell just happened? I can’t stop the onslaught of tears that start to fall. “What am I supposed to do, Logan?”
“Hey. Don’t cry, Mia. Do you really think I would do that to you and not have a plan?”
“A plan? What plan?”
“I want you and Lily to stay with me.”
“That’s your plan? You want me and Lily to stay with you? For how long Logan, huh? Until you get sick of us, until you meet some girl you want to bring back to your house but wait… you can’t, because you have house guests.”
He smiles brightly at me, genuinely and I have to fight the urge to melt into him. “I want you there, I like having you there.”
“Okay, but there’s going to come a time when you want your life back, so what’s going to happen to me and Lily when that time comes?”
“It’s not going to happen, Mia. You need to relax. Just trust me.”
And there it is again, the word that I’ve come to despise with everything that I am: Trust. I want to trust him, and up until a few minutes ago I think I was starting to trust him but now this has thrown me for a loop. Why would I trust him when he’s just made me lose my apartment, when at any moment he can decide that having a young mother and baby in his home isn’t conducive to the type of lifestyle he wants to have? The only thing that I’m sure of is that he really hasn’t left me much of a choice. I have no other alternative but to take him up on his offer to stay with him.
“Fine. You win, but this is only temporary. It’s only until I can find a new place that I can afford.”
“Deal.” He agrees with a mischievous grin.
I huff and put my seatbelt on. “Are you taking me back to work?”
“Sure.” He turns the ignition and pulls out onto the road. “So, about once a month my family gets together for dinner.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah and…well it’s this Sunday at my parents’ house.”
“Oh okay, well Lily and I can fend for ourselves.”
“I know, but actually I was hoping that you’d come with me.”
“You want us to come with you? I’m not sure that’s such a great idea.”
&nb
sp; “Why not?”
“Well for starters what would they think of me? The girl and her infant who are living with their son.”
“They’re not going to judge you, Mia. They’re not like that. I know they’re going to love you. Just think about it,” he says, pulling into the parking lot of the daycare center. He turns to face me and gives me a shy smile. “I work late tonight so don’t wait up for me, alright?”
“Okay. Be careful,” I reply, extricating myself from the car quickly, not looking back as I enter the building. I can’t help but to notice the frothy glare I get from Sarah as I walk past her and head back toward my classroom. Maybe he sees them as only friends but Sarah sees Logan as way more than that and now she sees me as competition. I just hope she doesn’t fire me because of it.
It’s almost one in the morning by the time Logan crawls into my bed. I have a hard time coming to terms with the sense of peace that comes from knowing that he’s back home, safe and with me because I know that I shouldn’t care. That his comings and goings shouldn’t affect me, that his safety shouldn’t worry me, but it does. We lie silent for a moment, facing each other, taking one another in.
“Did I wake you?”
I shake my head. “No I was awake.”
“Were you waiting for me, Mia?”
“What? No,” I reply so weakly that even I don’t believe it.
“Really? Because I couldn’t wait to see you.”
“I don’t know why you say things like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like…” He looks into my eyes, silently encouraging me to speak to him. “I don’t know, nice things.”
“You should have someone to say nice things to you. You deserve it.”
“And you want to be the one to say those things?”
“Why else do you think I just got you evicted from your apartment?”
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