“You do?”
“Yes. Do you want me to? Would you like that?”
“I…I don’t know.” I stammer.
“You don’t know? Haven’t you ever had anyone do that to you?”
“No.”
“No? Oh baby,” he says with a chuckle. “I’m about to show you what you’ve been missing.” He gently tugs on my underwear until I’m completely bared to him. I look into his eyes and all of a sudden I don’t feel so embarrassed. I feel beautiful, Logan makes me feel beautiful. His hands begin to roam again, gently massaging their way down to my legs where he runs his hands up and down my calves, making me relax my muscles with every single touch. His hands slip into my inner thighs and gently pulls them apart, giving him an all access view to everything that is me. “Oh baby, you’re gorgeous.”
His words make me shy. I’m not used to being on the receiving ends of compliments of any kind. I cover my eyes with my hands.
“Uh uh,” he says, tugging at my arms until my hands are free of my face. “Don’t hide from me, I love everything that I see and I want you to feel confident, okay?”
I open my mouth to reply just as his fingers rub against my wet core. My hips buck off the bed as I let out a cry. “Yes.”
“Yes?” he asks with a grin. “Yes you feel confident or yes you like me touching you like that?”
He rubs me again and I let out a moan.
“Which one baby? Hmm? Should I stop?”
“No. Don’t stop.”
“That’s my girl,” he says, spreading my legs further apart and lowering his head giving him better access to me. I’m pleasantly shocked when his tongue meets my wet folds and he licks his way up to my clit where he begins his gentle assault. With every second that passes I lose more of my control, bucking my hips until I find a circular rhythm that meets the motion of his tongue. A persistent pressure starts to build in me. It peaks then resides, again and again, and every time it reaches that peak it gets stronger, causing my legs to quiver. Logan’s hands clutch my hips, keeping me firmly rooted to the mattress. I grab onto his head and hold on for dear life as he works his tongue into every crevice until I’m gone, lost to an explosion that courses through my entire body, igniting me from within. In a haze I hear myself calling out for Logan as he extracts every ounce of pleasure from me. I close my eyes and toss my head to the side as I come down from the high I’ve just experienced.
“Oh my God,” I say breathily.
He chuckles and buries his face in my neck. “Was it good for you baby?”
I can’t help but to giggle at his comment. I never imagined after everything that I’ve been through that I could feel this happy. That I could feel this free and that I could actually experience what being intimate with someone feels like. Logan hovers over me again, his eyes go liquid with desire and that’s all that it takes for me to want more, to need more of him. He grabs my hands and pulls them up and over my head, wrapping his hands around my wrists and pinning me down to the bed as he buries his head in my neck and starts kissing me there.
A sense of panic starts to hit me and a memory resurfaces—crashing into the forefront of my mind, transporting me back in time, and all of a sudden I’m stuck under strong hands unable to move. A large frame hovers over me whispering horrible things in my ear. Making me afraid to move, afraid to fight, making me an unwilling participant in a series of cruel acts, forcing me to grow up long before my time, to snatch away all of the innocence and naivety of a young girl. I fight against the memory, fight to keep my wits about me, to remember that this is Logan I’m with and not…not someone who would ever intentionally hurt me. A solitary tear escapes from my eyes and I shake my head, trying to dislodge the memory from my mind, alerting Logan to my discomfort. He looks up at me his eyes wide at the sight of my tears. I can feel myself trembling and I hate that I’ve had this reaction to him.
“Babe?”
“Let go of me.” I plead through a now steady stream of tears.
He looks startled, obviously confused. “What? Mia?”
“Let go of my wrists, Logan.” I cry. “Now.”
“Okay, okay… Babe, it’s just me alright, I’m sorry,” he says, letting go of me.
I pull myself up to a sitting position and wrap my arms around my trembling body. I try to force it to be still but it’s no longer following commands from me. “I don’t like to be held down.” I admit softly.
He moves from my side until he’s in front of me. Hesitantly he pulls my chin up so that I can look in his eyes. He shakes his head slowly. “I’ll never do it again… Shh it’s okay baby. Please don’t cry.”
I grab onto his shoulders and pull him into a hug, digging my nails into his back as I try to calm my sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m just being stupid.”
“You could never be stupid, Mia. Look at me,” he says, pulling away slightly so that I can see his face. “You could never be stupid to me, alright?”
“Alright.” I nod slowly.
He strokes my hair slowly, lulling me back into a calmer place. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I… I just have a thing about not being able to use my hands.”
He nods then rearranges us until we’re lying down in his massive bed with me tucked away safely in the crook of his arm. “How many people have you been with, Mia?”
“What?” I question, wishing that he could just let this go.
“Sexually, how many have there been?”
“One, just… Just one.” It’s the truth, even if I can’t tell him all of it, if I can’t give him the sordid details of the past I can give him one truth.
“Lily’s father… Did he? Mia, did he do something to you? Make you…”
I shut my eyes not wanting to look at him. Trying to shut his words out of my mind. “No, just please…please Logan don’t go there, just leave it alone please.”
“I can help you…If something happened to you.”
“Nothing happened, alright?” I snap at him. I try to pull away but he just holds me a little tighter. It’s not menacing, just forceful. I take a deep breath and check my attitude. “I’m sorry. I just started having sex way before I was ready and it wasn’t all that great, just let it go.”
The look of concern in his eyes and his heated stare tells me that he understands that sex for me has never been an option but I will never confirm that for him. I’ll never speak of it with him or anyone else.
“Mia…”
“Will you just hold me? Please,” I say, pulling his shoulders in an attempt to get him closer to me.
“Of course,” he replies, wrapping me in his arms.
“I’ll do better next time I promise,” I say softly.
“Baby you did fine. You did great,” he says, stroking my cheek again. God I love that so much. “I told you only what you’re comfortable with, okay?”
“Okay.” We lie together in silence, my mind running a mile a minute as I’m sure Logan’s is too, but I snuggle deep in his arms, letting their warmth envelope me, hoping that their strength will help keep me strong, help me to let go and wash away the dark memories of the past.
Logan and I haven’t spoken of my meltdown again. When I come home from work with Lily on Tuesday, he has moved all of my belongings into his bedroom, making space for my things in his closet and drawers and moving Lily’s baby monitor to his bedside table. He said that if I was going to live with him and we were going to be together, then we should use the master bedroom and make it our own.
I love when he does things like that, when he takes charge of making certain decisions, in turn making it easier for me to focus on other things like my job, Lily, and most importantly healing the wounds of my past because there’s nothing that I want more than to move forward with Logan.
“I had a dream last night,” I say quietly to Logan while we snuggle in bed with Lily, who was fussy tonight sleeping on his chest.
“What was it about?”
I stare a
t Lily, looking so sweet and peaceful and she’s just so easy to love. “I dreamt that I was visiting my mom. That I was at her house and she was holding Lily, cradling her in her arms and singing her a song. She looked at her with such love in her eyes, the way any grandmother would look at their grandbaby, the way that your mom looks at Lily, and she was so happy to see her. When I woke up and realized it was just a dream it made me so sad. Why couldn’t she just love her? Let me love her? Give me the choice instead of trying to force me to do something I would have never been able to live with?”
He rubs my arm. I’ve come to find that Logan uses touch as a way to calm me down, to make me feel better and I wouldn’t have thought it but it actually works. “Maybe she thought she was making the right choice?”
“Do you think it would have been the right choice for me to give Lily up?”
“No,” he says, giving me a reassuring smile. “I think that you were put in a difficult spot, an impossible situation, and you made the absolute best choice you could.”
My eyes drop to Lily resting on his broad chest. “Look at her. How could anyone not love her?” I wonder out loud.
“I don’t know babe.” He strokes Lily’s back and gives her a kiss on the top of her head.
He’s quiet for a moment, just staring at her little face. “Mia, have you tried to call her?”
“Who?” I question, already knowing the answer but not wanting to hear it.
“You know who, your mom.”
I purse my lips at the thought of picking up the phone to call a woman who was so ready to cast my child—her grandchild, away. Who made it evident that if I chose this life I would no longer be welcome in her home. “No. She made her position very clear. I don’t want her to feel like she can have any more input in my life or my decisions.”
“It’s up to you, but she can’t hurt you. No matter what she says, she can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do and I’m here to make sure of it. Will you at least think about it?”
I let out a sigh of frustration and answer, “Yes. I’ll think about it.” We both know I’m lying, we both know that I have no intentions of calling her. Maybe not ever.
“I forgot to tell you, I’m going out of town for a training on Thursday but I’ll only be gone one night. I’ll be home by the time you get home from work on Friday night.”
“Oh, okay,” I say, acting as if his absence won’t affect me. I haven’t been alone for an entire night since the break-in at my apartment and even with Logan’s crazy hours I’m still able to sleep securely knowing that he’ll be home eventually. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to New York. Will you be alright here alone? I don’t like leaving you.”
I don’t want to let on that being alone makes me a little bit nervous. It’s not healthy for me to be so dependent on him or anyone else. I need to be able to deal with things on my own and being home alone is just one of those things that I need to conquer. I smile up at him and give him a wink. “Well, I’ll miss you, but I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will be. You’re the strongest girl I know.” His faith in me is humbling. Being with Logan has taught me what a real relationship should be like. What it means to have someone who you share your dreams with, your fears and everything in between.
Logan left early this morning and then called me in the early afternoon after he had already settled into his hotel. He promised to call me before I went to bed tonight. I snuck outside when he called, not wanting to take personal calls at work. Sarah was heading out for lunch and overheard us on the phone. She had a sour puss look on her face for the rest of the day. As grateful as I am to her for having helped me out and given me a job when I desperately needed one, her attitude toward me has changed dramatically. She makes it very uncomfortable to be around her and I find myself hiding in my classroom for the majority of the day. I don’t want to be her enemy, but she’s made it very difficult for me to be her friend.
When I leave work I get a phone call from Mandy inviting me out to dinner. I’m tired and really just want to go home and sleep, but she’s Logan sister and I really want her to like me so I agree. I meet her at a small little Italian restaurant not far from Logan’s house and in true Tate fashion, she snatches Lily away from me immediately. God this family loves babies. We’re seated at a two person table with Lily positioned in her car seat between the two of us.
“It’s only been about a week since I’ve seen her and she’s already gotten so big.” She says playing with Lily who’s kicking her little feet.
“Yeah, she’s growing so fast,” I agree. “She’s starting to hold her head up more now and she’s smiling, it’s really cool.”
“Logan told me he’d be out of town tonight. I hope you don’t mind that I invited you out. I just thought you might like some company.”
I take a sip of my soda and give her a smile. “That was really nice of you, Mandy.”
“So how is it working at the daycare center?” She probes and I wonder if she’s really asking about my job or if she’s wondering how things are with Sarah. What if she really invited me out tonight to warn me off from her brother, to clear the way for Sarah. She is her best friend after all. Why wouldn’t she want her to be with Logan?
“It’s great, I love working with the kids and the teachers are amazing. I’ve really learned a lot,” I reply giving her a muted version of the truth.
“What about Sarah, how do you like her?” She presses.
I give her a tight smile. “She’s fine,” I reply, not wanting to give her any more information, any ammunition to use against me.
She sighs and rolls her eyes at me. “She’s in love with Logan, Mia. She always has been and I know that you can see it. You don’t have to lie to me about it. I’ve told her countless times that he’ll never see her that way. They’re just too different and she’s not his type.”
I’m sure she can see the surprise on my face as I give her a questioning look. “How do you feel about that?”
“Who my brother chooses to love is none of my business. My loyalty is to him not to Sarah, so if he wants to be with you then I want that for him too. You make him happy and that’s all that matters to me.”
I can’t believe how the dynamic within this family works. It just reinforces the fact that my family is in fact the perfect picture of dysfunction. “Are you all this nice? I’m really not used to it. My family can be brutal, so being surrounded by kind loving people is kind of throwing me off here.”
“We just love each other and realize how important family is. We know that you should never take anything or anyone for granted. Don’t worry about Sarah. I love her but she’s misguided where Logan is concerned. She can’t do anything to hurt you.”
“Well, it helps to have all of your support. It really means a lot to me. I never knew having a family could be like this.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
“I just wanted you to know where we stand. We’re all happy to have you and Lily around. Logan is really happy with you and that’s so good to see.”
“He makes me really happy too. I never knew I could be this happy, I keep waiting for something to go wrong.”
“Don’t think like that, Mia. Everything will be fine,” she says.
I want to believe her, but in my life happiness has always been a fleeting emotion.
Even after Logan called me last night I couldn’t sleep. He sounded distant, tired maybe, and I couldn’t help but to wonder what was wrong. Had the training not gone the way he anticipated? Was he just tired from the driving or maneuvering his way around the city all day? I think I’m starting to worry about him and his safety as much as he worries about mine. Over time I’ve been letting it sink into my brain exactly what it is that he does for a living. How he puts himself out on the streets all the time and puts his life in danger. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t scare the hell out of me. To make matters worse, the regular receptionist at the day care center is out again and of
course I’m stuck manning the front desk. Sarah’s been in her office for most of the day and has thankfully stayed away from me but she makes an appearance just as I’m packing up for the day.
“Oh, hey Sarah. Have a good night,” I say, trying to maintain a cordial atmosphere.
“Mia, I didn’t see you there,” she replies, turning to face me. “Are you heading out?”
“Yeah, I’m just going back to get Lily.”
“Right.” She drawls out, and gives me the fake smile I’m becoming more and more accustomed to. “So how is the apartment hunt going?”
I hesitate, not really wanting to let on to how serious things are really getting with Logan but then I think that it might be better for her to know. Maybe it will encourage her to move on. “I think I’m staying put for right now. Logan’s made it pretty clear that he wants us to stay.”
She purses her lips into a tight line and drops her handbag on the front desk, just as she lets her true feelings go. “God Mia, your plan to find Lily a dad has worked.”
“Excuse me?” I ask incredulously. I’m thrown off by her completely untrue and inappropriate statement. I’m starting to see that Sarah is borderline delusional.
“I mean, how long were you even in town before you set your sights on Logan? And let me tell you he was the perfect mark. He took one look at poor pathetic Mia with her sad little life and just had to jump in and rescue you. You really should pat yourself on the back.”
My eyes go wide and I swear I can almost feel my blood start to boil over. “Are you actually suggesting that I planned to have my apartment burglarized, made it so that Logan would be the officer on duty that night, and then brainwashed him in to taking me and Lily in, all so that I could get him to play daddy?”
“Oh come on, Mia. You play the damsel in distress perfectly down to a tee.”
I place my hands on the desk and shake my head at her. “You don’t know me. You know nothing about me. You have no idea what I’ve been through, how dare you judge me.”
“I know your type and you know what? You can have your fun. Logan will see you for exactly who you are one way or another.”
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