“You did the best you could, Mia. In a lot of ways you were fighting, you were trying to protect your parents and keep yourself alive, you didn’t know what the outcome would be.”
I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath. “Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn’t have been better off with the adoptive parents, if they could have given her more, a better life.”
“Look at me.” He demands. His voice is firm and the deep timbre resonates through me. I open my eyes and our gazes lock. “Don’t say that. You’re her mother, and you’ve done an amazing job with her baby. She’s perfect.”
“She’s also gone.” I wince at my own words, my chest tightens with the type of pain that is indefinable. It’s the type of pain that only comes from having your heart ripped out.
“We’ll get her back.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just have faith. I know it.”
I wish for sleep to come and claim me, to take me away from this moment in time. I wish to wake up and have it all have been a terrible dream but sleep never comes and pretending that this isn’t reality isn’t going to help Lily.
“I need to do something, Logan. I can’t just lie around and do nothing, this isn’t helping.”
“I know how you feel, but there’s nothing that you can do right now. Everything that can be done is being done,” he states calmly, almost too calmly for me.
I’m not sure how long we lie there pretending that falling asleep is actually a possibility, hoping that any minute the phone will ring and it’ll be news of Lily. I wonder how Nick is treating her, if he’s feeding her, if she’s crying, and the thoughts running through my head consume me. After some time I get up and sit on the edge of the bed.
“I can’t lay here anymore,” I say.
“Let’s go downstairs. I’ll call John and see if he has any updates for us.”
We walk down together hand in hand, I think staying connected is helping us both right now. Him needing to take care of me and me needing to draw from his strength because all I currently feel is weak and scared, and when I don’t feel that I’m just numb.
Logan speaks to John, but the only update he has so far is that Nick checked out of his hotel early this morning, most likely before he came for Lily. There’s been no sight of him since then.
We know he hasn’t gotten on a plane, and the police now have people at the bus depots and nearby train stations. My parents sit on the couch across from me, staring at me, watching me clutch Lily’s blanket as if they’re terrified of me or what I might do.
They’re trying to be supportive, to say all the right things and I know that I should be the bigger person, be the better person and forgive them. Perhaps one day I will, but right now I don’t really care what they think or how they feel. They may as well be a pair of strangers sitting in front of me. In fact, they are a pair of strangers sitting in front of me and their feelings have no relevance.
“Mia?” My head snaps up at the sound of my name being called, and I see Logan’s parents Carol and Steven walking into the living room.
I jump out of my seat and run into Carol’s open arms and begin to sob uncontrollably again.
“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry,” she says, holding me tightly while Steven squeezes my shoulder.
She holds me for a few moments, then she cups my face in her hands and gives me a sad smile. “She’ll be fine, you’ll see. She’ll be back with you and Logan before you know it.”
I nod my head, wanting so desperately to believe in her words, wishing upon all wishes for it to be true, for any second to have anybody walk through that front door carrying Lily. I glance towards my parents who are looking at my interaction with Logan’s parents with mild annoyance and with what I can only describe as envy.
I jump when I hear Logan’s phone ring. I must have dozed off on the couch somehow after spending the majority of the day pacing around the house and crying. Mandy and Chris both stopped by to offer their support. Carol and Steven have gone to buy food which I can guarantee I won’t be able to touch. My parents have remained a constant presence in the house but have surprisingly stayed out of my way.
“He’s been spotted heading southbound on Park Avenue. I’m going down there to see what I can find out,” Logan says.
“I’m coming with you.”
“No. I don’t want you anywhere near that area. I’m not even supposed to be there. Keep your phone on you and I’ll call you.” He places a quick kiss on my forehead and before I can argue he’s gone, leaving me behind. I look around me at this house that’s become my home. I look around wondering what it would be like to live without the two people that make it just that, a home. Logan and Lily are my home and without them I don’t want to be in this house. I can’t sit here, not even one second longer waiting for news on my daughter, waiting to see if Logan will come back unscathed. Not one more second of playing the victim.
I grab my keys and make a run for the door, ready to plow through anyone who tries to stop me. I can hear my parents calling for me but I keep going, never pausing, never looking back because the truth of the matter is that without Logan and Lily I have nothing. And if there’s even a small chance that my presence can make a difference in what’s about to go down, I have to be there. I have to try to bring my family back intact; I couldn’t live with myself if I sat back and did nothing.
I jump in my car and peel out of the driveway heading toward Park Avenue; it’s not a far drive, ten minutes tops. I speed through town praying that I’ll make it in time, that Nick hasn’t hurt Lily.
I make it onto Park but there’s no sign of them and the street is eerily quiet, I pull over to the side of the road and contemplate calling Logan but he’ll never tell me where he is, not if he knows I’m out looking for them. Where would they go? What would be the next logical direction to head? Suddenly it hits me. From this point, there’s only one way out of town—one way to get away, and that’s by crossing the Bay Street Bridge.
I throw the car into gear and drive. I glance in my rearview mirror and see that my parents’ car has now caught up to me but I make no moves to slow down or stop. All I care about is getting to my family, my real family. Not parents who never gave a damn about me, who never saw or heard me or cared about my feelings. As far as I’m concerned, they can keep driving forever.
It’s then when I reach the entrance of the bridge, then when I see the dramatic scene unfolding right before my eyes. I drive as far as I can onto the bridge and come to a screeching halt.
Nick is standing by the ledge of the bridge, pointing a gun at Logan with one hand and holding Lily up to the edge with the other. He’s surrounded by countless police officers with guns drawn and pointed at him.
My heart stops and my entire world is a haze, a series of events leading to this moment in time where my entire life is at a crossroads. Where one man has the power to decide which way my fate will go.
I exit the car and run as fast as I can toward where Nick is perched on the side of the bridge. Before I can get too close, a pair of arms go around my waist holding me back. I fight the police officer and try to break free but his hold is too tight, I know it’s no use. There’s nothing left to be done now, nothing left but to beg.
“Nick!” I yell, desperate to get his attention.
It’s as if the sound of my voice is pressing the pause button on a DVD. Nobody makes a move, everyone just freezes, fades away into the background and disappears, and it’s only the two of us. Nick and me.
“Mia, I told you. Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I warn you to get rid of this kid?”
“You did. You warned me, but she’s mine Nick. Only mine. You don’t have to do this.”
“We had a good thing going and you fucked up everything. You stupid little bitch, why didn’t you just get the abortion when I told you to? Then we could have still been together.”
I shudder at the thought, of the idea of sustaining more abuse at this man’s hands than I already have.
“You’re not angry at Lily. You’re angry at me, Nick Just me. So why don’t you give her to Logan. Just hand her over to him and you can take me instead. I won’t fight you. I’ll go with you and we can be together.”
“Mia!” Logan calls out, but I don’t look at him, I can’t look at him. I’m desperate and determined to get Lily to safety, and I don’t care what it takes.
“Nick, listen to me Give Lily to Logan and you and I can go. We’ll go anywhere you want. You can do whatever you want to me.”
“It’s too late baby. They all know now, they’ll follow us everywhere, they’ll never leave us in peace and it’s all this brat’s fault,” he says, shaking the car seat.
I gasp, finding it increasingly hard to breathe at the sight of him holding my daughter as leverage. I push hard and break free from the officer who was holding me back and slowly make my way into the inner circle, to the point where we’re all surrounded by guns. “Let her go.”
“I am. Right over this fucking bridge I’m going to let her go.” He takes the gun off of Logan and points it at me. “Do not come any closer, Mia. Be a good little girl and listen to me.”
I stop dead in my tracks and raise my hands in surrender. “Please. Please put her down on the ground, please. Shoot me. Fucking shoot me already. I don’t care, just don’t hurt the baby.”
He raises Lily’s car seat a little higher. “I’ll shoot you! I’ll fucking kill you, but first I want you to watch me kill her. You love this little brat more than you love me and now I’m going to take away what you love.”
My heartbeat pounds in my ears. My body breaks into a sweat and an almost painful panic sets in.
He lifts the car seat out further and dangles it so that it hangs over the bridge.
I watch in horror, my eyes fixated on his hand, his fingers clutching the handle. I can see them twitch, see them move slightly, see him slowly loosening his grip as I lose my grip on the small amount of sanity and control I have. I scream, shriek, and cry out in horror—the sound piercing through the night and carrying over the bridge.
As my knees begin to buckle, the world starts to fade. Pain explodes as I feel my body suddenly hit hard, as it connects to the concrete with a thud, and then there’s nothing. Just black.
I roll onto my side, still tired, exhausted, and unwilling to open my eyes. I want to stretch out but my body is a little sore.
I remember having a dream…a nightmare? I dreamt about a standoff between Nick and the police, the kind that you only see in movies or read about in books. He was mean, crazy and he had…
“Lily!” I shout, panting as I open my eyes and try to sit up. It wasn’t a dream, it was real. Nick had Lily, and he was about to throw her over the ledge of a bridge.
“Logan?” I call out looking around the room. I’ve just come to realize that I’m in a hospital room when I hear the fall of footsteps heading toward me. A hundred pound weight is lifted off my shoulders when I look up and see Logan walking into my room. I burst into tears at the sight of him, relief rolling off of me in waves.
“Oh my God! Oh my God! You’re okay.” I chant, reaching out for him.
He sits on the edge of the bed and pulls me into a tight embrace. “No, no, no. Don’t cry, baby. I’m fine,” he says, rocking me back and forth.
“I was so scared for you. I was afraid I’d never see you again.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He tightens his hold on me. “If I weren’t so happy that you’re okay I’d be yelling at you. What were you thinking showing up there? You scared the shit out of me.”
I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. “I had to get to her. I needed to see her even if it was only for a minute.” I pause, bracing myself for the answer to the question I’ve been too afraid to ask because if the answer isn’t what I want it to be my heart will be shattered. “Did he?”
“No,” he says, gently pushing me back so that he can look at me. “He didn’t. Lily’s fine. She’s in the waiting room with my mom.”
I let out an unsteady breath and blink back the tears that threaten. “He was about to let go. I thought… Can I see her Logan, please?”
“Of course. I’ll let the nurse know you’re awake and get Lily for you.”
“Thank you.”
The doctor on duty checks me out and tells me that I have a slight concussion and that I should be okay to go home in the morning. Logan returns a few minutes after the doctor with Lily in his arms. I smile huge at the sight of them, the two people who I’ve grown to love most in the world. They’re here and they’re okay and suddenly it’s like the world shifts back on its axis and everything that just a few short hours ago was wrong is now right again. He bends over and kisses my forehead and then he hands her to me. I hold her to my chest and lightly rest my chin on the top of her head, breathing in her wonderful baby scent. “Oh Lily, you scared mommy so much. I missed you.”
“She missed you too.”
“Logan, what happened? One minute Nick was about to throw her over the bridge, the next thing I know I wake up here.”
“Oh baby. If there were ever a perfect time for you to faint that was it.”
“Huh?”
“When you fainted, it distracted Nick. It gave me enough time to move in and grab the car seat. I backed away from him and he pointed the gun at me, he intended to shoot but he didn’t get the chance.”
“The police arrested him?”
“They shot him, Mia. He’s dead. He will never bother you and Lily again.”
“I can’t believe it.” I’m so happy, elated that he’s gone but at the same time I feel guilty for rejoicing in his death. I know that in theory everybody’s life has value and without Nick there would be no Lily but he also took something from me. He stripped me of my childhood, my innocence, my choices; all taken away by a selfish, abusive man. “Is it terrible that I’m glad he’s gone?”
“No. He was a waste of a human being. He did nothing but hurt you and he wouldn’t have hesitated to kill Lily. I think you should be happy that he’s gone. I’m fucking ecstatic. Thrilled that he can’t get to either of you ever again.”
“What about Sarah?”
He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Sarah acted out of anger and jealousy but she didn’t really do anything illegal. She was here earlier I think she’s pretty shaken up. I think she feels awful Mia, regardless of how she felt about you and me she didn’t mean for anything bad to happen to Lily.”
“Well she can keep her guilt, she deserves it.” I huff.
Movement from the corner of my eye startles me. I look up to see my parents standing there. I’m taken aback by their appearance. They don’t look like their normal perfect, put together selves. They look tired, defeated, and just a little disheveled.
I can spot the look of guilt in their eyes immediately, it humanizes them.
My father speaks first. “We’re sorry to interrupt but we just wanted to see you and make sure for ourselves that you were alright.”
“I’m fine. You can come in.” I want to go with my natural inclination to tell them to leave but they did stick around while Lily was missing and they’re here now. What kind of person would I be if I turned them away after all that? It would make us too much alike and I’ve fought for too long to set myself apart from their usual, cruel ways. If I treated them the way they’ve so frequently treated me, it would make me no better than they are.
They step further into the room, walking around to the other side of the bed where I lie holding Lily.
Mom pulls up a seat and smiles at me. “She’s absolutely beautiful, Mia. You’ve done an amazing job with her.”
“Are you here to tell me that I need to give her up again? Because if that’s what you want, I have to ask you to leave.”
“No. That’s not why we’re here. Like your father said, we were worried about you. We needed to make sure you were alright, both of you,” she says, solemnly.
I nod at her, suddenly aw
are of how uncomfortable this is, of how little we really know about each other. We have conversations like strangers do, trying to fill in awkward silences with polite phrases and gestures. It’s an unfortunate relationship and I promise myself that Lily will never have to feel this way about me.
“We want you to come home with us.” This comes from my father who is now seated in the chair next to my mother’s. “Both of you, you and Lily.”
I look at Logan, whose eyes are wide with disbelief. He looks at me but says nothing. Now that the dust has started to settle, he is leaving the decision to me, letting me make the choice even though I know instinctively he wants to make it for me. He would like nothing more than to kick my parents out of this room and ban them from seeing me or Lily again.
“Why would I do that? Why would I ever go back to that life where I was nothing to you? Where you treated me like I didn’t matter?”
“We’ve made a lot of mistakes where you’re concerned, Mia. We know this,” my father says, the look of remorse on his face gives me pause. I’ve never seen him look anything other than confident, decisive. “We won’t be winning any parent of the year awards, that’s for sure, but what we did to you…The way we neglected you…It’s the reason Nick got to you. We left you in the hands of a monster, and even though you could have gone to the police, even though you could have done something, you didn’t because you were afraid that he would hurt us. How did we inspire such loyalty from you when we never did anything to deserve it?”
“You’re my parents, I loved you. I didn’t want anyone to hurt you. It didn’t matter how you treated me or what you did. All I ever wanted was for you to love me back.”
Tears well in my mom’s eyes. It’s hard for me to see her show any real emotion, difficult for me to believe it when for so long she’s been devoid of anything other than anger towards me.
“We did, we do, we just let our priorities get mixed up. We let our need for status overshadow our responsibility to you. We made it so that you couldn’t feel comfortable enough to tell us you were being hurt and when you came to us with your pregnancy we let you down yet again.”
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