by Jen Luerssen
I excuse myself because I need to check my phone. I heard it ding earlier but it was in my bag in the way back of the SUV Jane and Niall rented. There are a few texts from Javi and I swipe quickly.
The first one is from last night that I somehow missed.
Javi: Having fun!
There’s a picture next and it’s Javier with another woman. They are laughing and it looks like they are on a dance floor. There are lanterns and a band in the picture behind them. She has her arms on his shoulder and his are around her waist. Not the best picture to send your girlfriend but I assume it’s one of his cousins he mentioned. I read the next text and my stomach plummets.
Javi: I know this is a dick move, Diva, but I think we need to take a break. I do love you but I am overwhelmed and I’m not sure a relationship is the best thing right now.
Tears roll down my face, he’s got to be fucking kidding me. He’s breaking up with me via text? I’m so confused. I think for a minute that maybe his mom sent the text, but he mentions not being a dick about breaking up with me over text. She wouldn’t know anything about that. Paired with the picture, though, it’s weird. I read the next text and drop onto the bed and curl up into myself, phone gripped tightly in my hand.
Javi: Diva, you said we’d still be friends. I understand you won’t want to be for a while but I hope you change your mind.
I’m devastated. He’s cut me free and I’m destroyed. There’s a knock on my door and Paul comes in.
“Li Li, what is it?” I’m sobbing by now so I just hand him my phone. “Shit, that mother fucker.”
He curls up behind me and hugs me to him. I just cry and cry and he holds me tight, handing me a tissue now and then, those tissues are everywhere.
After a while, he turns me to face him. “Here’s what’s going to happen, Niall and Jane went out to Eric’s (our favorite Chinese place) and they are bringing us back some Mu Shu and scallion pancakes. Before they get back, we are going to get the frozen eye thing and put that on your face. We will eat when they get here, throw you in the shower and get you all gussied up for your show. You will go to the club early, warm up, let Fucking Frank buy you a drink and insult you. Then, you will get up on that stage and pour every ounce of love you have to give into your music. Let the pain go and let yourself live and be happy with us, the people who love you no matter what.”
I nod and that’s exactly how the next few hours go. I’m a little numb but am getting myself psyched up for the night with Fucking Frank, Joe, and Andrew. We are set up, sound check is done and we are eating dinner before the club opens. I move my food around on the plate but am not very hungry. Instead, I sip the whiskey Fucking Frank put in from of me when we sat down.
“I will say it right now. No man is worthy of you, Lia Kiley. That being said I thought that kid was okay. I’ve never seen you happier,” Frank grumbles out.
“Jesus dude, are you trying to cheer her up?” Joe chokes on a laugh.
“I am,” Frank says in his usual annoyed tone. “I was getting to the part where we have fun anyway and then plan how we can make him suffer once he gets back to San Francisco.”
I perk up a little and feel lucky to have such loyal friends. “Tell me more about the suffering.”
Fucking Frank smiles, like a real genuine smile, and I smile back because it’s so out of the blue and unlike him. “Ah yes, let’s begin,” he clears the plates from the table and sets a blank piece of paper down.
“Is it wise to have this down on paper?” I ask.
“Oh, I’ll burn it once we’ve committed our plans to memory,” Frank says and I feel like I can make it through this night.
I do make it. I shine actually, the pain of losing Javier has been internalized, shaped into a ball and is fueling me now. After my first set, I sit with Jane, Niall, and Paul. Paul filled them in on what happened while I was in the shower earlier and they’ve been supportive without being overbearing. Even when I lashed out asking if Jane was going to tell me, “I told you so.” Like she even had that in her. She just pulled me in and hugged me and we breathed together me apologizing.
“I think I came in my pants when you sang “Fade Into You,” Jane says and Niall chokes out a laugh.
“Just wait, I’m going to do “Wicked Game” and “Nothing Else Matters” next set,” I let her know. She loves all the 90’s ballads I do and I put them on the list, just for her.
“If you do “Nothing Else Matters” I think I’ll come in my pants too,” a sexy voice from behind me says and warm hands land on my bare shoulders and I freeze.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Paul says and gets up from his chair to face Javier who is standing behind me.
Before he gets a chance to answer, I see Frank barreling across the room toward us. He doesn’t stop, leans down and throws Javier over his shoulder like he’s not six feet tall and almost 200 pounds. Frank is a big guy and apparently a little protective of me. I turn to see him carrying a confused looking Javier out of the club.
“What the hell is happening right now?” I ask the universe.
Jane answers, “Looks like Mr. Dick Move came back a little early. Should we see why?”
I shake my head. “I know why he’s here. He is trying to not be a dick and stay friends with me.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure about that Lia,” Niall chimes in. “Most guys don’t fly back from another continent if they want to be friends.”
“You don’t know, Javier, he’s fucking noble like that. He dated a woman he devirginized for weeks because he was too nice to blow her off,” I say a little too loudly. People are staring. “I don’t have time for whatever he’s doing here, I have to get back to work.”
I pick myself up, hoist up my royal blue sequined gown and walk up the steps to the stage, where Andrew and Joe are waiting. Since Frank isn’t back, I do my Spanish version of “Only You” by Yaz with only Joe on the guitar because I know Jane loves that song. While I sing, I keep my eyes closed because I know if I see Javier again I might lose it.
I hear Frank stomp up the stairs when I’m done and I open my eyes to look at him. He looks mad but that’s not a new thing. He comes to me and whispers in my ear. “You look beautiful, everyone in this room wants to be you or fuck you and nothing else matters, got me?”
I nod and he walks to his bass and picks it up. He’s right. I do look hot, despite the puffy eyes, my hair and makeup are diva perfection. I chose to wear my hair down but it has big, glamorous curls, my bangs are perfectly in place, and I have a big red poppy pinned above my ear. I have blue sparkly eyeshadow and severe back eyeliner with wings to my eyebrows. My false eyelashes are long and were meticulously applied by Jane. My dress is like a Jessica Rabbit special but blue instead of red. It hugs my curves, dips low in the back, and has a scandalous slit up the side. I have a matching white faux fur cape, long white gloves, and white stilettos.
“Hi there, Club Deluxe, how is everyone on this fine New Year’s Eve?” I purr, and the crowd goes wild. “I’m Lia and these are my fantastic musical gentlemen. Andrew on the drums, Joe on guitar, ukulele and any string you can think of and then there’s my hero on the stand-up, Fucking Frank. That’s right ladies, he’s that good it’s in his name.” I wink at Frank, paste a smile on my face and he starts the intro to “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica. This is one of my favorite songs and right now it’s hitting close to home.
I focus on the lyrics and just put all of my feelings into the song. I’m not sure why Javier is here. I’m confused and heartbroken. He may well be in the crowd but the lights are low and I don’t see him. Frank is scary but I know he wouldn’t hurt Javier. He probably just moved him to the back of the club so I wouldn’t have to see him. As I belt out the final refrain, I feel the tears streaming down my face. I glance at the table that holds my dearest friends and they all have tears in their eyes too. Then, when the song ends they jump to their feet and are whistling and clapping fanatically.
“My friends, ladies, a
nd gentleman, thank you for the support,” I say. “This next song is for all of the people who fall in love with someone because they can’t help it, no matter how wrong it may be, no matter how unrequited. This one’s for you.”
Again, I sing with all of my heart, knowing that the person I want to be with more than anyone is in the room. At one point, I look up and I see Javier. He’s with his dad and they are at a table in a back corner. It’s hard to see their facial expressions but at one point Antonio raises his glass to me. I smile and then go back into my little singing world. Engaging the crowd here and there, not glancing back to that corner again. I finish Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” sing about five more songs, then walk back to the green room for a breather from everyone. I say green room like it’s fancy but it’s literally a large closet with a couch and refreshments. It’s not even painted green. It’s not somewhere I tend to spend a lot of time but it’s reassuring to know it’s there to take a breather.
None of the guys follow me which is a relief. They know that sometimes the songs I sing take a lot out of me and I need to decompress. There’s a light knock and then the door opens. It’s Jane.
“Hey birch, how’s it going back here?” she asks gently and sits next to me on the mini couch where I’m trying to fix my ruined face.
“I am fixing my makeup since I cried my wings off,” I say offhandedly.
“Li, come on, it’s me,” she says and takes over reapplying my eye makeup.
“Why is he here? I’m so confused. How could he send those texts and then fly back early to see me? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Well, and this is just me talking, ya know, because I’ve had my share of misunderstandings in life. I suggest maybe you hear him out?” She makes sense, it all seems a little off.
“I have one more set, starting a few minutes before midnight, I just want to get through it without collapsing into a ball of sobs,” I say.
“You can do it Lia. Just sing your heart out like you’ve been doing and we will be here to cheer you on. We love you and are here if you need us.”
“Okay, let’s just get this year over with.”
Poppies and Explanations
“Five-four-three-two-one! Happy new year!!!” I, along with the whole crowd shouts, and then there’s a balloon drop with confetti. My bandmates and I are arm in arm with champagne glasses raised in a toast. We all take a drink and then I get an embrace and a quick kiss from each guy. It’s bittersweet. I should be feeling optimistic about myself, about all this year has meant to me. I took a stand for myself and grew up. I kicked ass at school and am on a track that I can be proud of. My music is popular and I am in demand lately, I’ve been asked to do a small West Coast tour. All of this has me at the surface of my life, no more rock bottom for me, I’m not even gasping for breath. Everything except my heart, it dwells in the lowest of rocky caves.
I get through the rest of the evening and the crowd is fun and lively, dancing up a storm to our upbeat numbers as well as the slow songs. I end with a song I haven’t sung in a while but it seemed appropriate. Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2 U,” a classic heartbreak song. Fucking Frank gave me a hard time when I added it at the last minute but they are all professionals, as am I, so we will rock the fuck out this song.
“This is our last song for the night. I hope you have a wonderful New Year and that you have happiness and health. This song is for you know who.” Joe starts his intro on the ukulele which kind of makes the song seem sadder because we sing it at a faster tempo than the original and with the jangly sound of a ukulele instead of dramatic cello or violin.
I close my eyes and give everything I have left of this day, this year. I funnel it all out into the audience and let them take it on. The song helps me in that I can see that life will be hard without Javi as my partner but it will go on and I’ll get over it some day. After the last chorus, I bow my head with my eyes still closed, the lights go down and I get my best ovation of the night. People stayed all the way until 2 am, not the usual exodus after midnight and I’m surprised.
As the lights go back on, I lift my head and open my eyes to view the crowd. Paul and Jane are right up front, whistling like crazy and jumping up and down like the loons they are. I love my friends. They are my family, my lifeline and the people I want to make proud. I tear up for the 100th time tonight and hop off the stage and hug my people. There is a DJ set to take over to keep the dancing and partying going until late. He gets set up quickly and some big band music begins to play. I head back to the green room to get my things and for one last breather. Then, head to sit with Paul, Jane, and Niall. When I get to the table, Javier and his Dad are standing and chatting with them. Javi gives me a pleading stare and nods his head to the side like he wants to talk in private.
“Hi Antonio, I’m so glad you could come to the show,” I say to Javier’s dad with my megawatt smile. “Happy New Year.”
He leans in and kisses both cheeks. “Happy New Year to you, divina. You were even better than the last time I heard you. I felt your soul tonight, beautiful and melancholy.” He winks and pulls me back in. “Go easy on Javier. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
I lean back and nod. “He sure doesn’t.”
Antonio pulls out my chair and I sit next to Paul, my back to Javier. I feel him as he leans down to whisper in my ear, “Diva, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I know you are mad and I want to talk about it. Please agree to see me tomorrow?”
I give him the slightest nod and he and his dad walk away, the chasm growing in my chest.
Ice cream drips from my fingers as I paint a line of chocolate down Javier’s lean stomach. I follow the drips with my tongue and the tastes together, Javi and chocolate, are sinful. After I finish licking him clean, he flips me on my back and sits on me. I feel pressure in my abdomen as he straddles my waist. I feel his fingers as the travel up my sides and then he tickles my under arms. “Ack, no, please stop.”
“That’s not what you just said a minute ago,” a familiar voice says in a sassy tone. “I’ll tickle you again if you don’t get your ass up and come eat waffles with me. Paulie made chocolate ones and we’re having vanilla ice cream because we are grown-ups and we can eat whatever we want.”
I crack an eyelid and see Jane straddling me, fingers poised to follow through with her tickle threat. “Okay, give me five minutes.”
She squeals, jumps off me and bounds out of my room. I sigh heavily, sit up, stretch and drag myself to the bathroom. Thank Stevie Nicks, I took the time to take off my stage makeup. There have been a time or two that I was too tired or drunk and regretted that. I think the sparkly blue eyeshadow alone took 20 minutes to scrape off. I brush my hair out, throw it in a bun and head to the kitchen.
The smell is divine and when I walk in the only person there is Javier. He’s surrounded by dozens of poppies in white vases. They are California poppies so they are orange and yellow, instead of the traditional red. Javier is looking hopeful holding a plate of chocolate waffles with a side of ice cream and bacon. I wonder if I’m still dreaming and pinch my arm. “Ouch.”
“Did you just pinch yourself?” Javi asks.
“You have bacon and chocolate so I wanted to be sure,” I say, distracted. “Where is everyone else?”
“They went to brunch at TJs,” he says. “We can join them later but I want to spend time with you this morning. I missed you, Diva.”
“Really? That’s interesting. I didn’t feel missed.”
He places the plate down on the bar and gestures for me to sit on the stool next to him. “I’m getting the impression that something happened and you are upset with me but I have no idea why or what happened.”
“Unbelievable,” I mumble and take a bite of waffle, and oh Lindsay Buckingham, that is good. “Hand me your phone,” I say with my one hand out and the other cutting another piece of waffle. I was rage eating and I didn’t care.
“Uh, my phone?” he asks, confused. “Sure, he
re.” He places his phone in my hand after he unlocks it.
I go to his messenger app and pull up our conversation. Wait, it’s not here. I scroll up and see our few exchanges and then the last text is me asking him to call me. “Where are the texts you sent me?”
“I didn’t send you any recently. I’ve been traveling since the 30th with my mom to Texas and then I flew in yesterday morning to San Francisco. My dad picked me up and I didn’t text you because I was hoping to surprise you last night. Obviously, I did, but not in the way I hoped.”
I get up, walk to my room, grab my phone and walk back. Once I get the messages he sent me queued up, I hand it to him. He reads them, looks at me and reads them again. “I didn’t send these.”
“Wait, you said you were traveling with your mom? Would she have sent them? How does she know this stuff about us. This is some real fucked up shit.” I start to breathe heavily and I sit and put my head between my legs.
Javi drops to the floor and looks at the phone again. He takes his phone hits it with his pointer finger a few times and puts it to his ear. “Mamá!” is all I understand as he starts yelling in Spanish into the phone. He stops, listens for a minute then starts railing into her in Spanish again. He pauses for a minute, shouts “ARGH!” and hangs up.
He jumps up off the floor, grabs my face and kisses me softly but with passion and I melt into him. I feel a sense of relief but I still need answers before this gets too heavy.
I pull back. “So, I’m guessing it was your mom that sent the texts?”
“Diva, I don’t know what to say. She really stepped over the line this time.” He caresses my cheek with his thumb and I turn my head and kiss it.
“She sure did, straight into some bullshit,” I say, still chapped. “How does she know so much about us, about you? You can see why I thought these came from you, right?”