Before I Let Go

by Darren Coleman

  Darlene arrived looking good as sin. She had on a tight-fitting pair of low-rise jeans and a snug-fitting BCBG top. Darlene was a real doll baby, and I wondered silently why I had never considered making her my lady. She had a body that most women would kill for, and she had a great personality, though she could be a little dizzy.

  “Where’s my hug, boy?” she said, extending her arms.

  After we hugged we kissed a quick kiss on the lips, I said, “I see you cut all of your hair off.”

  She nodded in agreement. “I know. I just got so tired of sweating it out every other day.”

  I remembered that she was an aerobics instructor as well as a cheerleader and student. “So you’re still teaching the aerobics,” I asked, even though I knew. One look at that body, and I knew.

  “Hell, yeah. I gotta eat, don’t I?” We laughed.

  We made small talk as she sat down. I offered her a drink from my cabinet. She walked over and helped herself to a grapefruit juice. I remembered that she didn’t drink alcohol. I kept my eye on the clock to make sure I didn’t let too much time pass by before I made a move. I didn’t want to seem too desperate, but I was feeling the sting of rejection after Paula’s letter. I needed something to pick me up, and for some reason I was thinking that sex with Darlene could do the trick.

  There was never any doubt in my mind that I would be able to get her to comply. Even though our relationship was based mainly on a sexual attraction, there was a certain connection between us that she had never been able to deny. The fact that I was no longer in town seemed to romanticize the whole notion of us falling into bed.

  Knowing what I did about approaching her worked to my advantage as well. Darlene was no different than most women in that she hated an overly aggressive brother more than anything. At the same time, women wonder about men who are too passive. A complete man has the right combination of confidence and humility. That was me in a nutshell. I wasn’t going to attack her as if she owed me the ass, but I wasn’t going to just let her stop by my room without trying her.

  After about twenty minutes, I asked her to fill me in on what was so complicated about her “situation.” I was referring to her statement about why she had made plans.

  Her complication turned out to be nothing more than a relationship she was entertaining in her mind. “Well, it’s really not that big a deal,” she said. “I’m kind of dating one of the guys on the Braves team. Antonio Gomez. You’ve heard of him? Right now things are in the early stages. We both are feeling like commitment is coming from this whole thing, but we’re trying not to rush into it. I know that you and I have a history, but I just don’t want to mess this up.”

  Of course I’d heard of him. He was the left fielder…well, he wasn’t the starter, but he did see some action as a designated hitter. “Yeah,” I answered.

  “Like I said, it’s not that serious yet, but he has really been after me. He invited me to this party, and it’s, like, invitation-only. The thing is, Connie and Tina really wanted to go because there’s going to be a whole bunch of celebrities there. You know how they are. Anyway, the only way they can get in is with me, so they have been begging me all week to make sure I go.” Darlene finished her grapefruit juice.

  “Well, where are they now?” I asked.

  “I told them to me at Churchill Grounds up the street at twelve-thirty,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “Well, then,” I said. “It’s almost twelve. You had better come on over here and let me have a few kisses and hugs before you go.” I patted the bed beside me.

  “Cory, don’t even try it. I just told you that I was dating Antonio.” She shook her head no.

  “Darlene, I know you know better than that. You don’t date professional athletes, rappers, or movie stars.” I laughed. “Either you’re one of the chicks that they are screwing, or you’re the one getting cheated on. You know better than to think that you’re involved in some type of real courtship, at least, anything that would make you deny me.”

  I stood and walked toward her. “I’m shocked,” I said, as I took her by the hands and pulled her up from the chair she was seated in. “I know you know better. Right?” She smiled as she stood with me. She said nothing as I put my arms around her waist.

  “You smell good, Cory. What are you wearing?” I could tell that just that quickly her defenses were weakening. When it came to me Darlene always seemed to fit the category of “old faithful.”

  “Mmmm, you taste good,” I whispered, as my lips brushed her cheeks and found her neck.

  Darlene breathed deeply, while each of my hands gripped a cheek through the fabric of her jeans. To my surprise, Darlene backed away. She looked into my eyes and unzipped her pants. Then she pulled her shirt carefully over her head, so as not to mess up her short but meticulously styled hair. She unfastened her bra. I had expected more resistance but was fine with her cooperation.

  “Just as I remembered them,” I said to myself. Her breasts were small, but she had the prettiest and most perfectly shaped nipples I had ever seen. I joined in with her and began coming out of my clothes.

  When we were both naked she flipped off the light and moved back toward me. She asked me for it. I pulled a condom out of my bag, and she slid it onto my dick with her mouth. She made wearing one not such a bad deal. Plus, I had to think of Nina. As she pushed me back onto the bed, the phone rang. I didn’t answer it. I didn’t return the favor by going down on her; she didn’t give me a chance. Darlene had pulled me up to her face, showering me with kisses. Normally I hated a tongue in my ear, but the way she licked me it sent sensations straight to my penis. I started to penetrate her very slowly. I gave her an inch and several strokes at a time. I hadn’t entered her completely, and she began to complain. “Stop teasing me, Cory.”

  “Be patient,” I answered. I continued to stroke only the opening to her womanhood. Every ten or twenty strokes I went slightly deeper. By the time I had entered her completely she was soaking wet and breathing in frenzied short breaths. I was feeling the need to have my ego stroked, so I was doing my best to blow her mind. When I felt her about to reach her peak I plunged deep inside her.

  “Ohhh, Gawwwd,” she screamed. It seemed as though all the air had left her body. Instantly she locked her legs around mine, pulling me deeper. At the same time her hands were pushing at my chest.

  “You like that?” I asked. I started pounding away at her. I repeated, “You like that?”

  “You don’t know howww…much.” Her head began thrashing back and forth. There was a coat of sweat forming on her face and breasts. “I don’t want to come yet. Oh, Cory, slow down, please,” she begged.

  I wanted to enjoy it. I also wanted to leave her drained. I stood her up and guided her to the wall and entered her from behind. She wrapped her hands around my neck, pushing her bottom against my pelvis. I remembered how she loved this position, so I ground her from the back until she started to shake. We went at it for about ten more minutes at a really furious pace. She asked me if I had missed her pussy.

  “Of course I did, baby,” I said, as I pushed her down on the bed. I entered her from behind again. She could tell I was ready to come so she began talking seductively. We told each other lies and made promises to always keep in touch. She even told me that she loved me. I wasn’t willing to go that far, but when she came, I came with her. And during that orgasm I did go as far as telling her that she had the best pussy in the world. She loved to hear me tell her that. They all did. And I told them what they wanted to hear. But in reality, Darlene didn’t even have the best pussy in my world, which was all I could really vouch for. That title belonged to someone who was in my past.

  We lay there for only a moment before Darlene stood up and went to the bathroom with her clothes in hand. I heard water running and I knew she was washing up. The lights were back on, but I was still naked. I was feeling temporarily satisfied. My trip hadn’t been a total waste. I laughed when I thought that. Why is it that if a man doesn’
t get laid when he’s out of town, whether he’s at a wedding, a conference, a vacation, or a funeral, he considers his trip incomplete? I didn’t know the answer to that one, but it was a fact. I then told myself that this would be the last time I would ever venture out on Nina. Although I had had a few indiscretions during past relationships, I was far from a habitual cheater. It was one thing to run around as a single man, but I had taken responsibility for someone’s feelings and I needed to own up to that.

  “Cory, come give me some sugar. I’m about to leave.” She kissed me on the cheek this time.

  “You coming back after the party?” I asked, as I wrapped a towel around my waist.

  “You want me to?” she asked. Her eyes said that she wouldn’t be back. I nodded my head an affirmative “yes” anyway.

  “Maybe. I’ll see what I can do.” She smiled at me and hugged me once more.

  That meant good-bye. Darlene said that she would call me in a couple of hours if she were coming back and insisted that I promise to listen for the phone.

  “Sure thing,” I said, and waved her off.

  She probably was going home with Gomez. I couldn’t help thinking that he was probably already planning to take her home after the party to drill that cute little booty, just as I had moments before. Enjoy the used twat, Antonio, you sucker, I said in my head, as I let her out of the door. “I know he’s paying for it, one way or the other,” I said under my breath, as I watched her head toward the elevator.

  As I climbed into my bed, I hoped that Darlene wasn’t thinking that she had done me any favors by saying she might come back. I was satisfied for the moment. At the very least, I was relieved of the self-imposed stress from Paula’s letter. If she came back, fine. If she didn’t, that was cool too. I drifted off thinking of my plane ride home and Nina. I knew at that moment she was in my apartment at home, sleeping in my bed, and probably in one of my T-shirts. At that moment I felt secure and even more satisfied knowing that my lady’s whereabouts could be accounted for. I even felt a twinge of regret for having come to Atlanta. Justifiably, though, it served me right. I should have left well enough alone. Paula had moved on, just as I had. If she had come over here tonight I would definitely have told her about Nina, and she would have been the one feeling dejected. It was supposed to have been my grand closure, though.

  Oh well, I figured. She had moved on not knowing that I had also. I guess that was why I was feeling so ambivalent toward things. Ego, no doubt. As I slowly drifted off, an old saying found its way into my head: “One monkey don’t stop no show.” I heard it over and over in my head until I realized that after all that I had been through with Paula and Darlene, all I had been in their lives was one single, solitary monkey. I didn’t dwell on it, though, because soon enough sleep took over, and it took my thoughts to a more peaceful place.

  Chapter 21

  DO YOU EVER REALLY LOVE?

  Luckily for me the young brother on my flight noticed lipstick on my collar. We struck up a conversation while standing in the line waiting for our boarding passes. He was a young brother, probably no more than seventeen. His name was Kevaughn, but he told me to call him Key for short. The brother said that he was taking the college tour. He told me that he was going to visit Howard University in D.C. and my alma mater, Morgan State University, in Baltimore. He was undecided, but he knew that he was going to choose between the two. His mother and father had just separated and he had stayed in Atlanta with his father to finish his senior year in high school.

  Anyway, we ended up sitting next to each other on the plane and we talked casually about sports and colleges. Eventually the subject turned to women, and I ended up mentioning that my girlfriend was picking me up from the airport. He took me by surprise when he responded with, “Then I sure hope that’s her brand of lipstick on your collar, or you are going to get the third degree.”

  “Shit” is what I wanted to yell when I excused myself to go to the restroom to check the damage. Darlene had come back the previous night after all, and when she dropped me off at the airport an hour earlier she’d gotten a little sentimental. The previous night she had told me that I had been right about her baseball player. She told me that he had had at least three women at the party and made it obvious that he was screwing them as well. She said that she couldn’t take it and had left to come straight back to my room.

  When we got to the airport she couldn’t keep her hands and lips off me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was probably the last time she would ever see me, and I just let her pour her affections out all over me. I guess that somewhere in the mix she had smudged her M.A.C lipstick on my collar.

  “Thanks, Kevaughn.” Then I remembered and corrected myself, “I mean, Key. You saved a brother’s ass.” I hated to use profanity around the young brother, but I was excited by his keen eye. Though I hadn’t seen it, any woman would have caught it before the first blink.

  “Don’t mention it, Cory,” he said. “Us men…we gotta stick together. Don’t playa hate, but congratulate, ya know,” he said, smiling as if he were proud of me. I guess he assumed that whatever business I had been in town for had not been a waste of time.

  I immediately thought about what kind of example I was setting for this young fellow. Looking at him with his close haircut and dimpled face, looking like somebody’s baby boy, it was hard to fathom that he had already considered himself a man who needed to be part of the collective society of players. Before he had made that comment I had considered introducing him to my niece. Tory was a sophomore in high school, and I knew she was interested in boys. However, she wasn’t boy crazy like most of the girls I had known at that age, including her mother. My sister, Brenda, had kept a phone glued to her ear during most of her high school years. If she wasn’t on the phone talking to a guy then she was talking to one of her girlfriends about one. Tory was more laid-back. She already seemed to know that there will be time for boys later on, thank goodness.

  Key and I talked for almost the entire flight home. Though he didn’t know me from Adam, he was talking and listening to me as though I was the big brother he had never had. He asked me questions such as, how much money should a man spend on a first date, and for my opinion on dating older women.

  As the flight came to an end he asked, “So, Cory, do you think it’s okay for a man to have a little something-something on the side as long as he takes care of home?”

  I shuddered when I had to answer this question. Here I was, wanting to tell him that it wasn’t right. Yet I knew I would be a complete hypocrite, so I told him, “Key, it truly depends on the situation. Most of the time, it’s not right. Most women don’t deserve that kind of treatment.”

  “So what did your girl do to deserve it?” he asked. He meant no offense but had smacked me in the face with my own behavior.

  I was quiet. “Nothing,” I answered, and he realized that my tone showed shame and he let me off the hook.

  “Hey, man, I hope I can keep in touch with you. I can e-mail you or something.”

  After we got off the plane I gave Key one of my business cards. I told him to give me a call so that maybe I could hook him up with a summer internship with the company. I was sure that he could get into the mailroom, at least. If he was as sharp as he seemed, I might even offer him a clerical position. He didn’t seem to want to leave my side. As he walked with me through the terminal he said that it was his first time in the Baltimore-Washington area. He called it that because that was the name of the airport. I explained to him that although the two cities were only forty miles apart, they were two completely separate areas. Neither city liked to have its identity fused with the other. The people acted differently, and they had different styles as well. In addition, there were separate football teams, separate harbors, museums, and so on. I assured him that he would see the difference when he visited them both.

  As we walked toward the sliding doors that led to the outside, his mother called his name. “Kevaughn, over here, sweet
heart.” We both looked.

  “Take care, Key, and have a good time,” I said, as I extended my hand.

  “Thanks. Nice meeting you, Cory. I’ll call you.” He shook my hand and readjusted his bag on his shoulder. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Which college would you go to if you were me?” He was walking backward toward his mother, who had a “who is that you’re talking to?” look on her face. His expression showed me that he wanted an answer and fully expected a good one.

  I didn’t want to influence his decision. I had already been a negative influence simply by showing up with lipstick on my collar that didn’t belong to my lady. Hopefully our conversation would lend him a clearer view of what I felt was acceptable behavior for a man. But when it came to his decision on a school, I didn’t want to tell him my preference, so I just stuck to the facts. “Both are great schools,” I said. “Howard is just much larger; depends on what you like, I guess. Give me a buzz after you visit them both, and tell me what you think.”

  “Okay, I will,” he said, as he turned to face his mother. No sooner had she hugged him than I could tell he was explaining to her who I was and why he had been talking to me. I headed toward the doors when I saw Nina pull up to the curb.

  The cool spring air hit my face, and I noticed the difference in the temperature from Atlanta’s. It had been in the high seventies when I had boarded the plane at one. Back home it had to be in the low sixties, and with the breeze it felt cooler. I knew that I looked silly with my shirt tied around my waist. I had on nothing but a plain white T-shirt. I opened the back door and threw my garment bag into the back. She had Ashanti blasting.

  She leaned across the seat, and I met her with a kiss. It was a long one. I thought about what I’d done with Darlene and how I had just kissed her a couple of hours ago, and I pulled away.

  “Wow. You missed a brotha last night, huh?” I said, smiling.