by Donna Alward
“Damn it, Ray, we wouldn’t have been matched if I hadn’t joined the site and changed the area I lived in. And if my last name had been Weston, anyone in this state that’s ever had anything to do with the annual Fourth of July Buckaroo would know—”
“That Weston Ridge is the main benefactor. Yeah, I know that. Your dad was also very generous with the university. He spoke in some of my classes, about expanding your brand and growing your property.”
“Exactly. You’re friends with Slade. Would you have gone out with his sister?”
“Not without asking.”
“He would have told you no. All of my brothers want me to live in this perfect fairytale bubble. I can’t get out as long as I’m within their reach. So I had to move myself into an area they weren’t so damned intimidating in.”
He shook his head. “You’re the one spinning tales, not them. You know what’s crazy? We even talked about people who lie on their profile. You could have mentioned what you’d done right then.”
“You just said you wouldn’t have gone out with me if you’d known who I was.”
“That’s not what I said. But you didn’t think honesty would matter, right? Because you did all this, the lies and the driving and pretending to be what I wanted, you did it just to toss away your virginity like yesterday’s trash.”
Her throat undulated as she swallowed, anguish marring her delicate features. She knew how to put on a good show. “I wanted to find someone who would see me and not the girl from Weston Ridge. I didn’t think I’d ever find that. I was getting to the point where I even accepted it. I’d focused all my energy on becoming a vet while others looked for boyfriends and husbands. Most of the time, I prefer animals to people anyway. So, yeah, I wanted to have sex and know what I was missing. Didn’t you sleep with any of the other women you met on the site?”
He blinked and an icy coldness spread across his chest. Dear God, she had no idea what she’d done. “You’re right. But I never pretended to be making love to any of them.”
“Ray, I wasn’t pretending.” She reached for him then, but he snatched his hand away before she could touch him. “You were right there with me. You know I wasn’t. I’ve never been more me than I am with you.”
“Well then, I don’t think you know who you are.” He shook his head, so disappointed he’d made the same damned mistake twice. “Have a nice life, Jasonda Weston. Stay the hell out of mine.”
“Jacy what are you doing?” Slade stood in her doorway, shaking his head as if she were a kid he’d caught with matches.
She didn’t pause, just layered clothes in her duffle bag. Carly always joked about how limited her wardrobe was, but she’d always figured T-shirts, jeans and hoodies were the most practical things to wear. Maybe she ought to not pack at all and just go shopping.
“Tell me you’re not going to go chasing after Ray.”
She cast him a glance and instantly knew. “Carly told you.”
He nodded. “Everything.”
She wanted to throw up. How could she have embarrassed herself with this many people at one time? “Did Mama start crying?”
“Carly didn’t make a family announcement, she pulled me aside.” He came into the room and sat on her bed.
Her mind stalled, trying to remember the last time he’d been in here. It was before puberty had changed his hair from blonde to brown, so at least twenty years.
“Listen, Jace. Things aren’t going to work with you and Ray.”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want you to try and keep everyone who might hurt me away. I’m a grown woman. I can slay my own dragons.”
“Fine. You go ahead. But it’s not going to matter what you say to Ray. He’s done, honey.”
She clutched a flannel shirt to her chest. “You didn’t call him, did you?”
He shook his head. “I know him. I’ve known him a lot of years. He has a heart of gold and would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t take too well to being lied to, not anymore.”
“This is more complicated than that.”
“No, it’s pretty simple.” Slade drifted a hand over her quilt before meeting her gaze. “Let me break it down for you. Ray got married the year before I did. I thought he and Kendra were solid. He even encouraged her to go to school, so she’d spend the week in Corvallis at the university and the weekends at home. Until there weren’t as many weekends. Hell, he was proud of her for studying so hard. And for his birthday, she gave him a pregnancy test and he was over the moon happy.”
She sat on her bed, knowing the crash lay just ahead.
“Only she didn’t count on ranchers knowing more about fertility cycles than the average guy. And they’re sitting there at the ultrasound, and he finds out it’s a boy, and that she’s a month farther along than she said. And right there in that moment, he went from having it all to being completely flattened.
“He no sooner got rid of that problem and his dad had a stroke and lied about being cleared to ride again. Then he got thrown and had another stroke. Ray’s only bright spot for a long while is how well the ranch has done.”
“But what I did was stupid, not malicious. He’s just angry. When he calms down—”
“Jacy, I love you, girl. No matter what crazy thing you do. But Ray is never going to forgive you. He just doesn’t have it in him anymore. Don’t embarrass yourself more by running after him.”
“I have to try. If I’d been the one to tell him, he would have been mad, but we would have talked it through. When we were together, it was the best I’ve ever felt.”
“This was just your first rodeo, with the pounding heart, sweaty palms and excitement of the new chance at love. You’ll see, it’s always like that at first.”
She shook her head, because while she might not have a lot to compare it to, she knew. She’d been raised by two people who loved on a soul level, and she knew when she’d found hers.
“It’s not the heart-racing-away kind of thing. It’s like, when I’m around him, I can breathe deeper and relax more. He treats me like an equal, not like someone who needs his help or he wants to impress. He never spews out false compliments or pushes me to do things I don’t want to do. With him, I don’t just feel special, I am.”
“That’s Ray. But trust me, sister, you blew it.”
Chapter Eleven
Stillness surrounded Jacy as she stepped out of her truck. No longer night but not yet sunrise, a time of eerie tranquility in the country. She walked softly on the gravel, every step too loud for her ears. Her stomach pitched and rolled, her skin covered in a clammy sweat of regret and determination.
Eight hours and more than two hundred miles later, Ray’s words still played in her mind. Carly had said any sane woman would write him off as an ass, and Slade had warned Ray would never give her the second chance they needed. But she’d been raised by a man more stubborn than any other. Surrounded by brothers who saw the world as right or wrong, and thought all reasons were simply excuses. Even though she understood, it didn’t make it right. But then, neither was what she’d done.
She’d waited for the rest of the house to fall asleep before heading out, not wanting to explain herself. She knew the only chance she had to get through to Ray before he tore down every connection they’d made was to corner him and make him listen.
Hell, she sounded like a crazed stalker. And it wasn’t exactly sane to be here. But she had to try. The only hope she had to go on was that he wouldn’t have been that angry if he hadn’t been deeply hurt. And that meant he cared.
After grabbing her bag from the storage box, she headed towards the stable, needing to busy herself until she knew Ray was awake. The soft clicking of hoof beats in the distance grew louder until she spotted Hoss thundering across the pasture. Her eyes widened as she saw Ray racing towards her, hopefulness and dread flooding her with anxious ant
icipation.
He didn’t slow until they hit the gravel of the drive, and then just barely. They approached like a shadow in the twilight, and an ominous trepidation circled her the way the horse did before Ray pulled him to a stop.
“What the hell are you doing here?” The anger in his voice shook the stillness.
She swallowed past the tightness in her throat and looked up at him. He sat upon the horse like a king on a throne, his aura of control and powerful body made an intimidating and sexy combination.
“I told you I never want to see you again.”
“You said a lot of things, but you were too angry to listen to what I had to say. I came to apologize, to tell you how sorry I am about not coming clean with you sooner. And for the way you found out.”
“Sorry doesn’t change that you knew all about me and never let me know you.” Hoss lowered his head and Jacy reached out. Ray jerked the horse’s head up before she could touch him.
“You know the real me, the parts that don’t change the way addresses and even last names can.” She set her bag at her feet and slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “If I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t have found you or this place.”
“My life would be a whole lot better if we’d never met.”
She shook her head to clear the troubling thought. “You don’t mean that. You’re just angry.”
“Hell, I don’t even know who you really are.”
“You know me, Ray. I am not my name or my nearest map dot. I’m just me, and you’re you, and I’m asking you to forgive me. Tell me you can, that we’ll learn from this. Because if you can’t realize it was a mistake and love me through it, you aren’t half the man I thought you were.”
He let out a cruel laugh. “Let me get this straight. You make up an ex-husband, change your name and lie about where you live and even where you’re going when you leave, but I’m the one in the wrong here. You have a lot of nerve.”
“Damn it, Ray.” She clenched her fists but managed to control the urge to stomp her foot. “Get down off your horse and talk to me.”
“Whatever game you’re playing, lady, I’m out. You got what you came for. I don’t know what you’re doing here now.”
“I’m trying to explain.”
“You did. This started with a lie, and you kept right on doing it to cover your tracks. And since your first story didn’t work, you’re probably here to sell me another. But I’m not buying.”
She stared out at the horizon, pinks and oranges peeking over a distant mountain. She was Cinderella at the ball, and the sunrise was her midnight. “That’s it. That’s all this meant to you. And now I’ve disappointed you, you can just turn it off like a switch.” She wrapped her arms around her middle, needing to hold herself up. “I’m standing here telling you I’m sorry. I know I should have told you.”
“See, by your own admission, you knew it was wrong when you were doing it. I don’t think you’re sorry at all. I think you’re sorry I caught you.”
Her throat constricted, her traitorous eyes swelling with tears. She willed herself not to blink, not to let him see her cry. “You make it sound like I did some horrible, dirty thing.”
“I’ve been down this road before, and I’ll be damned if I let you drag me there again. You’re thirty years old. It’s time to grow up and stop playing these selfish games.”
The word hit her like a slap. He could claim he didn’t know her, but he knew exactly where to kick her when she was down. She squeezed herself tighter. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Yeah, that’s how I felt earlier. You’ll get over it.”
“Yesterday, I had everything I’d ever wanted. I’d never been that happy.” She swiped an errant tear, but they seemed to multiply without end. “You’re making a mistake. I think we’re meant to be together, and I just did it wrong.”
“I’ve made this mistake before and learned from it.” Derision chilled his voice. “Have a nice life, far away from here.”
She turned her back to him and picked up her bag. Her body felt cold, hollow, foreign, as if it belonged to someone else. She took a step towards the barn.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Gravel crunched beneath her feet as she turned around. “I’m going to check on the twins.”
“The hell you are.” He moved Hoss between her and the stable. “I don’t want you on my ranch.”
“Those colts aren’t out of the woods yet. They could die without proper medical care.”
“Our vet has already been out twice. Don’t give my horses a second thought.”
“My God, you really want to hurt me, don’t you?” She had a connection with those babies, and he’d cut her out of their lives like a surgeon with a scalpel.
“What I want is for you to go.”
And so she did.
“What a difference a day makes, huh, kid?”
Ray nearly fell as he dismounted Hoss. “Dad, where the hell did you come from?”
He leaned over the half-door of Candy’s stall. “I’m on colt watch. Which means I’m in earshot of this bullshit.”
He wasn’t ready to explain, not so soon after Jacy’s surprise appearance. “I’m not talking about this.”
“By all means, let’s wait and let it fester.”
“Just let it lie.” Instead of pretending to be working, he should have grabbed the whiskey bottle he kept in his cupboard and drowned his stupidity.
“I see. You can call me out when I’m being a coward, but you can’t take it when I do the same.”
Ray spun on his heel to face his father head on. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re not hurting any less for hurting her. You thought it would help, but now your stomach is so twisted you want to puke. And I know that if you leave things like this, it will be your biggest regret.”
“You don’t have the whole picture here.” He led Hoss to the paddock, wanting his old man to let this conversation wait a few more hours. Years even.
“Of course not. I’m just a father looking at his son hurting and wanting to make it stop. I’m not telling you to be with this girl. That’s your choice. But you had her so high up on a pedestal, she couldn’t help but fall. You thought she was perfect, and it turns out, she’s as flawed as the rest of us.”
Seemed like everyone wanted to turn this on him this morning. Whiskey sounded better all the time. He looked past his dad to the horses, all probably awakened by the commotion. The colts nursed while Candy drank from her trough.
“It’s easy to give up. This is hard and messy and damned uncomfortable. But I’ve never known you to back down or turn tail and run.”
Oh, hell no. “I don’t run.”
“No, you just drove back here instead of letting her explain. And then when she catches up, you throw her out. Which is your choice, I suppose. But a woman sorry enough to drive through the night to apologize might care more than you think.”
“You’re supposed to be on my team. My whole life, I’ve done everything step-by-step, just like I was supposed to. Got good grades, did my chores, finished college, work the ranch, got married. I checked the boxes, Dad. And what did it get me?” He shook his head. “The world doesn’t work like that anymore.”
“I’m your biggest fan. Your mom and I wouldn’t have been able to stay home after the fall if not for you. And you’re a smart businessman. This place has never been so profitable. You’re a good man, Ray. I just wish you could forgive yourself for not realizing what Kendra was doing. Maybe then you could remember how to forgive other people.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong. And I’m not having another woman who lies like she breathes in my life.”
“You can’t talk about Kendra and Jacy in the same sentence. One married you so you’d put her through coll
ege while she carried on. Jacy lied about what? Her profile on that dating site you found her on?”
“And she kept building the lies. I don’t even know why she came here. She hadn’t told her family that she was seeing anyone. I was just a game she played on the side.”
“Fine. She was just some girl your mom made you go out with. You told her that, right? That you went out with her as a promise to your mother?”
“That doesn’t matter now.”
“You’re probably right. It’s a tricky thing, trying to know when to cut your losses and when to hold on tighter and weather the storm.”
“I know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t know why you’re so sure I’m the one fucking this up.”
“I’m not.” He sighed and returned to his chair in the corner of the stall. Blaze folded to the floor beside him. “I just know that for a week, it was as if your heart had never been broken.”
Chapter Twelve
The tree-lined fields darkened to a dense forest before Jacy was forced to pull over. Crying and driving was a dangerous mix. Her only win was that she’d made it to the highway before the ugly cry started. Her head pounded and her face felt both tight and swollen. She wanted to run into the forest and scream as much as she wanted to curl into a ball and hide.
Spending quality time in the fetal position won out. She didn’t even leave the truck, just pushed aside the back window and pulled herself into the camper. The main space stored enough medical supplies and specialty equipment to keep her prepared in most any veterinary emergency. Pure practicality.
The bed in the cabover was pure indulgence. She climbed up into the soft, cozy space and squeezed a pillow to her chest. She slept here more than she’d ever expected to when her folks had given her the rig as her graduation present. In a job with such crazy hours, grabbing a nap or sleeping on site proved vital at times.
Now, it provided a safe place to soothe her frayed nerves and shattered heart. She took off her boots and slipped beneath the pink camouflage comforter, the chill of her failure seeping into her bones. She should have listened to Slade, to Carly. They had far more experience at the relationship game than she did. It would have spared her pride. But not her heart.