by Shae Black
Now this situation with Marcus has thrown me off kilter, I’m supposed to be this man’s nurse, but so many lines have been crossed. Somehow I have to do the impossible… find a way to separate my feelings and physical attraction for Marcus from my professional nursing responsibilities. Yea right. Nursing is caring for someone minus they intimacy. What just happened between us at Dominus and this morning in his shower was immensely intimate. The admission of his feelings for me, his need to be together constantly, the way he makes me feel special and beautiful and cherished, all are blatantly obvious signs of intimacy. According to the romance novels that I read and the loving example my parents have been all my life we have jumped right past the first and maybe the second stages of a normal relationship, but what if in the blink of an eye, it all changes? I’ve occasionally experienced the odd signs that I imagine are traits of the old Marcus, the Marcus I don’t think I ever want to know. When he dismisses me abruptly, the way his employees seem terrified of him, how people fall all over themselves to please him, those are big red flags waving madly right in front of my face yet I keep hiding my eyes.
“How about a wheelchair?” I ask Marcus and smirk already knowing the answer. The look I receive is borderline hilarious sending me into a fit of giggles. “I didn’t know you could be funny.” I sputter between hiccups of laughter. “You have a lot to learn about me lady.” I’m grateful for the playful moment, I’ve been a ball of nerves thinking about what we might find today on his CT scan. I have waited with many patients and their family members for important results but these results affect me personally and even more importantly Marcus. Today we finally find out what’s going on inside that beautiful complicated mind of his. The tarnished side of that coin however would be finding out my Marcus, the one I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with might not be a permanent entity. If there is nothing negative on his scan I can be reassured within reason that what is happening between us won’t suddenly go up in a puff of smoke.
Marcus landed like a meteor in my life bringing an addictive feeling of completeness and passion that I’ve never experienced before. Had I not been attacked in high school I’m sure my life would have taken a totally different path, a normal one with many relationships and learning experiences. I have worked hard for years not to let my attack define my future or me but when it comes to relationships it always has. Marcus came along and unknowingly transcended consciousness to bring me to a new plane in my life, no one else could have done it and no one else ever will. In my soul I know he is my one and only chance at love. Marcus is such an important part of my world now, if something were to happen to him, if he were taken from me, my old life would simply not be enough. Never having been through a break up somehow I know losing Marcus would be devastating beyond belief. If the CT scan today finds a serious brain injury I have already decided without really even thinking that I’m in this for the long haul, as his nurse or his something else it doesn’t matter, I am his.
In a small room right outside of radiology I help Marcus change into a hospital gown while I enjoy the last moments of our unknown and try to assess his mood. I catch his eye once or twice and somehow I feel like he can hear my thoughts. It’s the way he looks straight through me as if he is reading my brain wave activity. “What are you thinking?” he asks. Shit, I suck at lying. “And don’t lie,” he continues without a beat. Goosebumps cover my skin; he really can read my mind! But if so he shouldn’t have to ask what I’m thinking.
“The MRI,” I answer, and it’s not a total lie. I’m worried that a brain injury may have altered his personality, but I’m careful not to bring that up right now. He has to lie in there, perfectly still for a long time and keep calm. This isn’t the best time to have a deep conversation about who he is and what we are together. Marcus stops my hand covering it with his as I tie his gown behind his neck.
“Nice try. Actually, shitty try, you are an open book Imani, no sense in trying to keep things from me, you’re worrying aren’t you?”
I skirt the edges of my concern again, giving a half-truth, “Yes. I guess I’m worried. I just hope we find out what’s causing your blackouts.”
“It’s not serious Imani no worrying.” He has no way of knowing that but I appreciate that he’s trying to reassure me. “How do I look?” Really? Marcos Castillo could wear a garbage sack and still be the most gorgeous man for miles.
“Stunning,” I answer honestly. I hold the door for him to enter the hallway leading to the MRI room. Silently I pray that nothing abnormal is found today and that my Marcus, the one right here, right now, is the real Marcus.
When the test is over and we’ve returned to the house I climb out of the car and we struggle inside, he’s worn out but he won’t admit it, which makes everything more difficult. I’m one-third his size and it’s obvious he’s having trouble so I shoot Mr. Black a frustrated look but he just stands next to the door never offering his help. What the fuck is wrong with that man?
“He knows better, no need to be angry.” Frowning I turn my face directly into his profile, I uselessly have my arm around his waist trying to help him and I am prepared to give him a dose of sass but instead I’m completely distracted by the five o'clock shadow covering his chiseled jaw line and the way his perfectly shaped lips part with each breath he takes. “See something you like?” He lifts one brow looking down his nose at me and I reply silently with a severe rolling of my eyes. “So cocky.” I sigh “My cock? Well I thought you were looking at my handsome face but if you are more interested in my…” “Stop! That’s not what I said and you know it!” He chuckles and I consider dumping him on the bed when we come close to his bedroom. “You know I’m holding you up, feel like being dropped?” I ask. Now I’ve done it, we are leaning against each other at the end of his bed when he surprises the shit out of me by dropping his crutches to roll us onto the bed together. “Ahhh! Shit Marcus you’re gonna hurt yourself!” I yell as we tumble together onto the mattress. “You are asking for trouble lady, I should bend you over my knee and spank you and your smart mouth.” I cover my mouth to stifle a giggle. “Is that why Mr. Black won’t lift a finger to help you? Have you been spanking the help?” “Are you challenging me? I have no desire to spank Mr. Black but you…you are a different story.” Nothing could shock me more than the desire that stirs deep in my belly at the thought of his hands on my ass, any violent act even one as mild as spanking has always nauseated me. Marcus brings out feelings and desires that I never would have considered before. His arms circle my waist to pull me against his chest and I feel him softly press a kiss me on the top of my head. “I am teasing…well for the most part. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” I snuggle in absorbing his warmth; right now I can’t think of anyplace better to be. “I’m not scared of you.” “That is not what your face just told me Imani and every muscle in your body locked up just now.” “I’m just…I don’t know…curious I guess.” “Curious…well I can work with curious. You have to promise to always be honest with me, if something I say or suggest brings negative feelings or memories tell me. Got it?” I nod in agreement. “Yes, thank you Marcus, I’m sorry…” He moves so that we are nose to nose on our sides “Do not ever, ever apologize. I understand triggers, just make sure you tell me about yours and we will be fine.” “Ok.” So he knows about triggers, more mystery, now I’m sure we have serious things in common.
“We are napping now.” “Oh yea?” “Yes, scoot.” He orders nudging me to move up the bed onto the pillows. “I don’t think nurses nap with their patients.” “Well you are my nurse and we are napping, I don’t care what other people do.” He sounds like a father talking to his children but it’s not offensive quite the opposite, it’s a total turn on. I find myself wishing I could figure out a way to tell him the spanking was too. “What would you like to do for dinner?” He asks like we are an old couple, the lines of this relationship are becoming more blurry by the minute. “Relax, you have to eat yes?” “Yes.” “And you have to stay and
wait for the hospital to call with the results of the MRI.” “Yes.” “So does it not make sense to rest with me a while and eat together?” He’s right or he’s manipulative or both but I’m easily swayed when I’m bathing in this addictive scent, wrapped in his strong arms and staring into his bright crystal green eyes. “Cheeseburgers?” His smile brightens my world instantly, if a nap and dinner make him this happy then I’m blurring the fucking lines, what the hell? “Cheeseburgers huh? I think I can make that happen.” I have no doubt that he can, in fact it wouldn’t surprise me if they magically appeared without him even asking, extra sensory perception seems to run rampant around here. After arranging pillows for his leg and fussing with blankets Marcus becomes inpatient and pulls me down my back to his front. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever had my pillows plumped by.” He teases. “Yea? How many pillow plumping nurses have you had in here?” “Just one.” His tone changes from playful to serious and I lay wondering if I’m the only nurse or the only woman that’s been in here. “The only woman.” He amazingly answers my unspoken question. “I know what you are thinking and to be clear you are the only nurse and the only woman to ever lay in my bed or enter this room for that matter, other than my staff of course.” “Not even…” I begin and think better of mentioning his dead friends name. “Not even her.” With that incredibly comforting information I close my eyes and doze off in a state of near bliss. How can this possibly be happening?
“What is a house of this size called, it seems wrong to merely call it a house?” I ask him, craning my neck and shading my eyes with my hand to look at one of the towers.
“A manor is probably most accurate I suppose,” he answers.
“The Castillo Manor then,” I murmur.
“Sure, but if you need a name to call it, you could just call it home, you know,” he says, blatant about his desire to have me living under the same roof with him. Honestly, the idea is starting to sound more appealing to me. I can’t imagine tearing myself away from him for a second. That can’t be healthy, moving in here may be setting myself up for a world of pain, I’d have to leave at some point, when he didn’t need a nurse anymore, wouldn’t I? Yes, I need to force myself to put distance between us until we know if this side of him is permanent, for my own good.
“I still have a home, I promised to stay and I will while I’m needed.”
Knowing this isn’t what he wants to hear, I mentally cringe and wait for the argument about to ensue. Stopping next to his bed, he turns to face me and captures my eyes, saying very deliberately, “You’re needed here all the time, and I can’t imagine a time when you won’t be.” Sitting down on the edge of the bed and swinging his casted leg onto the pillows left there this morning, he nudges his crutches toward me to take, since I’m speechless again, I go about helping him as if he hadn’t said words that melted my heart and made my knees weak. “When do you think they will have the results of the MRI?” he asks.
I insisted on leaving the hospital before the results were back. It had been a long full day, and I could tell he was worn out.
“I’ll call right now and see if I can find anything out.”
“No. Sit.” He pats the mattress on the inside of the bed next to him. I round the bed and crawl across to him and he tucks me under his arm. I lay my head on his warm, smooth, hard chest and sigh, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I inhale his unique combination of scents, could there be a better place to be? I answer that in my mind, hell no! He reaches across my head and removes the rubber band that’s holding my hair up, shaking it loose and tangling the fingers of his other hand in it. “I love your hair, I’ve never known a women with hair as long as yours.” My hair is pretty long; not intentionally really, I’m just lazy about having it cut.
“It needs cutting.”
“No. Leave it,” he insists, and takes my chin in his hand to tilt my face up to his. “Imani, I really do want you to stay here with me, and I won’t take no for an answer.” Well shit! He turns me to mush with his compliments and then goes in for the kill, the master manipulator in action; if he smirks I’m finished.
“Well I can’t help you with that one, I’m going home tonight to sleep, but I’ll be back first thing in the morning.” I need to start now with a little distance before I risk having my heart shattered into a million pieces. His eyes search mine, so close that I can see a ring of purple around his pupils surrounded by the brightest green I’ve ever seen in a person’s eyes, except for maybe in magazines or Internet photographs that have been Photo shopped to look this way. But never face to face. They’re beautiful and penetrating, as though he can see right through me. I have to look away before he hypnotizes me into staying right here forever.
“How about another compromise, you stay with me all the time for a week, just so I can get accustomed to getting around on crutches. And then we can reassess the situation.” With the heat of his body against mine, nestled in his arms and with his hand massaging my scalp, stroking my hair I am utterly at his will, I concede.
“A week, and that’s it, I go back to twelve hour days, or evenings whatever is better for you.”
“Deal.”
What a sucker Imani, he knew exactly what he was doing here and you totally fell for it, as usual. got what he wanted, if only temporarily. I feel his body relax immediately, and after a short time his soft breathing indicates that he’s sleeping, I closed my eyes and nap away the afternoon in his arms. This nursing job is such a sham.
Chapter 19
“Imani...Imani…your phone.” I open my eyes to a dark room wrapped in Marcus’s arms, my phone vibrating in the pocket of my jeans. How long did we sleep? He releases me from his side as I lift my hips up to get my phone.
“Hello?” I answer, while whispering to Marcus that I’m sorry I’ve woken him up. “It’s the hospital,” I tell him, covering the phone briefly so as not to interrupt the person on the other end of the line. “Yes this is she.” They have been given my name as his nurse to contact. I listen while they tell me the results of the MRI, the results I don’t want to hear. Possible nerve damage in the frontal lobe and a large tumor. After that my hearing begins to buzz and I’m not able to make out what the physician is saying anymore. I hand the phone to Marcus absentmindedly and scoot to the opposite edge of the bed while he recovers the call. The frontal lobe is responsible for a person’s personality, behaviors and emotions, fuck. The part of the brain that are responsible for who he is. I perch on the edge of the couch in front of the warm fire and attempt to clear the fog from my brain. Ok. So this may be permanent, and that would be good, I’m falling for the Marcus I know, but what if it’s just temporary? The MRI has done nothing but confirm my deepest fear. There is no way of anticipating our future, if there even is a future together. Time will tell, but the longer I expose myself to him, the deeper I’m plunged into this precarious relationship. The man I’m beginning to have deep feelings for could easily turn back into the tyrant he used to be. Marcus approaches click clacking on his crutches interrupting my thoughts. He arranges himself at an angle next to me on the couch while I stare into the fire.
“I haven’t had a blackout for a while.”
“No. No, you haven’t.”
“Maybe it’s over,” he says softly. “Maybe.”
“What are you so afraid of Imani? Talk to me.” I don’t know if I can explain my concern without sounding selfish, he could be facing permanent brain damage and all I can think about is protecting my heart.
“I was really hoping they wouldn’t find anything, that’s all.” I turn and face him, smiling weakly.
“Forget it Imani.” He says shaking his head back and forth. “I can see it’s more than that, although I can not imagine why. I’m fine, so what if they say there is a problem, I feel fine. You wanted the test, now you have it so relax, do not make me regret giving you what you wanted.” I don’t regret it, the test was necessary, and it’s the only way to know how to proceed. The problem now is that
I’m unnerved by the results.
“Are you fine? I mean if you have amnesia how do you know if your personality has changed or if you’ve forgotten things, who is here to remind you? Not me, I barely know you.”
“I don’t know what you think I’m forgetting, I feel fine, a little stir crazy being stuck in this damned cast and not having my finger in every aspect of my work. I am a very independent and controlling man Imani, but you seem to believe this accident has caused me to lose my mind. I assure you I have not.” Externally he appears calm but I sense an elevating irritation as his eyes dart back and forth from one of mine to the other and his fists clench in his lap.
“Calm down, I’m not saying you’ve lost your mind.”
“Then what exactly are you saying?”
I make a split decision to tell him the truth about my fears.
“I…I feel something with you,” I stutter and hesitate to continue.
“As I do for you,” he interjects, misinterpreting what I’m trying to say.
“No, I mean I have strong feelings for you that I haven’t felt for any man before…I’m afraid of losing you.” He furrows his brow and I continue to try and explain myself.
“What if this isn’t you?” I whisper, his frown deepens and he replies.
“What do you mean isn’t me?”
“I mean…what if that damage has caused you to be… someone different, not the person you were before the accident.” My attempt to explain myself is failing, big time.
“You’re fond of me, I know you are, so why does it matter if I’m different? You are not making any sense Imani. Are you sure you aren’t the one with a head injury?” he teases tapping the side of my head with his finger. I smile briefly and return to my grim thoughts. I should just tell him why I’m afraid, but what if my fear is unwarranted? What if he is the same and he really does just care for me? I would just be planting a seed of doubt and uncertainty in his mind that could lead to me loosing the only man I’ve ever desired. I wish I had more time to sort this all out but I don’t. I’m just going to play dumb for now and work on it later when I have time to think it through.