She felt so exposed -- so naked under his scrutiny. She folded an arm across her churning middle and fingered the silver eternal knot pendant that hung at her neck - a reminder of the interrelatedness of all phenomena - and drew a deep breath, using it to calm herself. Was there a reason Simon had walked back into her life today? What lesson was she supposed to take from this?
His eyes were very expressive, very watchful, cerulean blue, though his face was impassive. What thoughts swirled in that gorgeous head? His hair was still blond with a slight wave, but cut much shorter than she remembered. It looked darker than she remembered, too, almost brown at the nape. But it still shone with golden highlights and looked windblown, inviting touch. His nose was long and ever-so-slightly kinked to the right, his jaw still lean and strong though his face was much fuller than it had been when he was nineteen: less scrawny-boy, more chiseled-man, with more than a hint of shadowed worry. She wet her lips as her eyes followed the slope of his jaw up to Pan-like ears that made him seem... What am I doing? She had a meeting to run. A job to do. She pushed on.
"So. Um. If I have everyone's agreement... have I?" she glanced around again, and everyone nodded.
"You have my complete commitment, Kate,” Sharon said. For some reason, her tone only increased Kate's doubts and worries.
"Of course I respect your methods, Kate,” Simon's warm tenor carried a hint of private amusement. "If what you are looking for is cooperation, you have it. But I can't be expected to commit to agree to a settlement I haven't seen, or a process, for that matter, that is not in my client's best interests, can I?" He raised his sandy eyebrows expectantly. Eli, who had been industriously doodling with his fountain pen, sat up straighter and glanced at Simon with a hint of concern on his handsome face.
"You do understand me, Simon. I am looking for full participation, not an arbitrary substantive agreement," Kate clarified in a voice intended to reassure Eli. Play along. She forced a smile onto her face.
Over the next half hour, Kate reviewed confidentiality policies, then went over the step-by-step procedures. She reviewed the rules about handling emotions. And finally she talked to them about the written agreement that would be the important end result of the process.
"Good. Now about our timetable, we should commit to continue until, say, mid-to-late November, though I am optimistic that we can come to a resolution before then. I prefer to meet once a week, if possible. After the first session, it won’t be necessary for Sharon and Simon to attend." Could she simply get rid of both of them? Dared she hope?
"I'm afraid it is," Sharon said. "I've been requested to attend every session by Madame Duchamp, who is paying your bill."
Kate drew in a breath, held it and let it go. Nicely done, Sharon. "Of course. For some people it can be cost prohibitive."
D'arcy’s gaze rested on the ceiling, making Kate wonder who was calling the shots. Sharon pursed her lips and looked at Kate, chin raised in a challenge.
"If she's here, Simon is too.” Eli glared at Sharon while still avoiding eye contact with D'arcy. "You’ll stay, right Simon?"
Simon nodded. "If that's what you want, Eli."
Damn. She was stuck with him, as long as she kept this case. And she very much wanted this case for her presentation. "Okay. But remember you're not here to stir up trouble. Your schedules everyone?" Kate said, flipping open her calendar. Her head was buzzing, and dark spots danced at the periphery of her vision. She rested her head in her hand, trying to gain control. She wouldn’t faint, but bile was definitely fighting its way up her gullet. How am I going to do this?
Sharon scanned her agenda, while Simon reached into his briefcase in search of his. "I'm pretty flexible, Kate,” she said. "I'm at an advantage, since I have no travel time. I’ll defer to Simon, of course." She blinked rapidly at him. It was a peculiarly feminine gesture at odds with her rigid bearing that made Kate cringe and wondered how well she knew him, or wanted to. Against all logic, a twist of jealousy tightened her jaw.
She imagined the young idealistic Simon growing up, growing older. What had his life been like to make him so hard, when he had been such a gentle soul? Who was he now? And why should she care? She's gotten over him long ago. She'd been through therapy; she understood how her memory of trauma had transferred to Simon. She shouldn't be falling apart now. Nevertheless, a surge of nausea washed over her and her vision darkened.
Simon found what he was looking for, flipped through the pages, frowning. "I can meet Tuesday or Thursday mornings, with my current caseload, or possibly Friday afternoons but no later than 4:30." He looked up, his brows raised in question.
Kate peered at Simon as though down a long tunnel.
She felt a wave of dizziness, swaying in her chair.
"Are you okay, Kate?” D'arcy asked, reaching out a hand.
"Um. Yes. Yes, fine. Thanks." An upsurge of nausea overwhelmed her. Cold sweat chilled her crawling skin. "F-Friday afternoons are no good. Bad time–- bad time of the day and week. Everyone's energy is at its lowest. Let's say Tuesdays. Nine o'clock. D'arcy… Eli? Are you all right with that time?"
"Not before ten, ple-ease," Eli begged. D'arcy twitched, glowering at Eli.
"Is there a problem, Eli?" Kate asked through her teeth. Please! She was feeling so dizzy and sick, she couldn't tamp it down anymore. I have to get out of here.
"I need my shut-eye, that's all," he replied. "I'm not an early riser. I paint at night, and sometimes-- "
"Hah!" barked D'arcy. "More like paint the night. Who are you fooling, Eli?" she snarled. It was the first time she had looked at him or addressed him directly. They glared at each other.
Please don't start now!
"Oh, so you are speaking to me after all," Eli snarked. "I don't schedule openings and receptions." He jabbed himself in the chest. “They expect me to show up." He curbed his tone at the end, glaring at her, his eyes sliding over to Kate, patches of color rising on his cheeks.
"Well, then," Kate chirped, barely holding on, speaking in a quick staccato. "We'll start at ten a.m., on Tuesdays. Emotions can run high if people are hungry. We'll run the sessions for two hours, more or less. If we need to go overtime, we'll get some sandwiches or take a short break." She wanted to get on with the real work today, but she desperately needed air. With a trembling hand, she dabbed drops of perspiration from her brow and glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which, why don't we take a short break for coffee and return here in fifteen?" She stood up, pushing her chair back with her knees. "Excuse me," she muttered as she rushed out the door to the ladies room.
~*~
This can't be happening! It felt like a bad dream. How many times had she naively imagined– no fantasized about– Simon Sharpe suddenly reappearing in her life? It was the principal scene that had replayed over and over in her obsessive mind. She wanted him so badly. Oh, not anymore, but during the worst years of her depression. She was always, in her mind, overcome with joy and hope.
Now look at me! Under fluorescent lighting, her image in the bathroom mirror wasn't flattering. Her face was green and mottled, her hair hung in lank, ratty strands pasted to her damp brow and cheeks. Her eyes... she could hardly stand the darkness she saw there. Seeing Simon again– she was coming apart, experiencing some kind of relapse– a freak anxiety attack. She still felt weak, sweaty and chilled. Actually physically sick, despite having already emptied the contents of her stomach. This was no dream. And instead of thrills what she felt was sheer terror.
Her cell phone vibrated in her bag on the vanity. Pulling it out, she confirmed that it was Jay again. Suddenly he seemed comforting. "Hello, Jay." Her voice was weak and watery.
"Hi, Beautiful. Have you been avoiding my calls?”
“You know I can’t talk when I’m working.”
"You haven't been answering my calls in the evenings either," he said.
"I've been... really busy."
"I need to see you. I miss you. How about dinner Saturday?"
That’s b
ecause she was avoiding him. She suffered a twinge of conscience.
“Um... I don’t know.“ She tutted. " I can’t decide right now." And wasn’t that an understatement. How could she think about Jay when her mind was full of Simon?
“Come on sweetheart. You can’t torture me like this. I’ve got a surprise for you." He laughed, warming and confusing her. He was awfully charming.
She rubbed the dampness at the back of her neck, fluffing her hair. "Maybe. I'll let you know later.”
He remained silent for a moment, the line quiet.
“How about now?” Kate heard the smile in his voice.
“Ja-ay.”
"Please."
Her laugh was feeble and she looked at herself in the mirror again, mopping her brow with a wadded tissue. "I don't know." Quit waffling.
“I didn't get your answer about that dinner."
“I don’t think so. I need a little me time right now.”
"Please, Katie."
She sighed. Was this what everyone went through when faced with a lifelong commitment? "We’ll get together soon, I promise.”
"Whatever’s going on with you I know I can fix it. I have ways.” His warm sexy, laughter filled her head. “I’ll make you laugh and you’ll feel better. We’ll have a good time like we always do.”
An image of Simon flashed in her agitated mind, and she pushed it away.
“Maybe I’m not in the mood to laugh right now.”
“All the more reason for us to spend time together.” He laughed. "Saturday?"
It was comforting to hear his voice. But now he wanted forever, and she had to decide whether that was something she could do. Could she face the question? “No. I don't know. Maybe." Her voice shook. What she really needed was to talk to Alexa.
“Are you okay? You don't sound well."
“I’m feeling a bit nauseated. Might be coming down with something. Call me tonight?"
“Sure. Okay. Later.” He paused. “Love you, angel.”
Yes. Coming down with something. Something like a nervous freaking breakdown! But she could pass it off as a stomach virus. That's it. She'd wrap up today's session early. She needed time to think about her reaction to Simon, and come up with a strategy. She had to get control of herself. She had to deal with Jay’s imminent proposal. Her clients needed her. And she needed them.
CHAPTER TWO
After the movie, she was even more subdued than she had been during dinner at Flying Wedge Pizza. The evening air was mild and fresh, and they strolled to a Starbuck's nearby.
"Well. That was okay, I guess. But I would have rather seen the action flick." Jay shuffled along beside her, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his overcoat.
She didn't respond. He was cute, but dense sometimes. It was comforting to be with him, but her mind was elsewhere.
"I hear Harrison Ford is excellent. I bet you would have liked it better."
She walked on in silence. Such a boy. She wished she knew what to do about him. It was times like these she found it hard to imagine spending the rest of her life with Jay. They just weren’t on the same page.
He slung an arm over her shoulders and squeezed. "Are you sure you're feeling okay, honey?" Jay asked, eyes quizzical, concern in his voice. "You're so quiet."
She put on an agreeable face. "I'm fine.” She forced a smile. "I liked the movie, didn't you?"
He shrugged. "I guess. For a chick flick."
“I think they’re called rom-coms.”
“Huh?”
"Never mind. You didn't get anything out of it?"
He pulled a long face, casting his eyes upward. "Um." His eyes circled, searching. "Gay guys are more style conscious?" He shook his head at her deadpan expression. "They make better girlfriends than girls?" He was trying to make her laugh. She gave him a weak smile.
Kate sighed. She did like that he was lighthearted and funny, but it'd be nice to have a serious discussion with him, for once. "Didn't it make you wonder, even a teensy bit, how you know when you should spend the rest of your life with someone?”
He flashed her a sly grin, and she blinked hard. She didn’t mean to lead him on, she really didn’t. But the closer he got to popping the question, the more she agonized about what was the right thing to do.
“Didn't it make you think about the fact that we waste so much time worrying about…" She waved a hand about, "… about superficial things, like how a person looks, or whether they're from a certain type of family, or their job…?
Jay sniffed and adjusted his coat with a shrug. "That stuff's pretty important. That's what it was about?"
Kate stared at him critically. Perhaps that wasn't a fair question. She knew he did care about those things, more than she did. Maybe she was obsessing. "Didn't Julia Roberts’ character raise any questions for you?"
He sulked. "I thought it was a comedy."
Kate was relieved to spend a relaxed Saturday evening with Jay, even though she'd been avoiding him, and was preoccupied. She'd been resisting his company in direct proportion to his obvious hints about his approaching proposal. But after her traumatic and distressing week, it was a comfort to fall back into their routine even though she was more conscious than ever of his shortcomings. It’s not that she found fault with Jay, only that he left her wanting more.
An image of Simon flashed in her mind, and she pushed it away. Her memories of what they shared fifteen years ago had no bearing on her relationship with Jay. Yet she felt a sense of loss.
Jay brought their drinks and they squeezed onto a couple of chairs against the wall in the crowded café, their backs and elbows pressed against their neighbors, the general buzz of conversation loud enough to force them close together to be heard. She noticed a couple of female heads turn to openly admire Jay, and him return a cocky grin, eating it up.
“Jay?” She felt a frisson of irritation.
He took her hand. “I know what you’re hinting at. Be patient. I wasn’t going to…” he glanced around the crowded, steamy cafe. “What the hell.” Jay leaned closer, dropping his voice. “Kate. You know what I’m going to say. Marry me, Angel.”
“Ah, Jay, don’t. I need…” She dropped her head into her hand. “How do you know who you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with?" She peered at Jay earnestly, trying to get through to him.
He grinned and laughed out loud. "Me, of course." He ruffled her hair. "Isn't it obvious?"
She wanted to scream. “Seriously, Jay." She frowned at him. "What if you make a mistake?"
He sobered. "Damn it, Kate.” He set down his coffee mug with a too-loud thunk and turned to face her. "I know exactly what I want. What we have is good. You mean what if you make a mistake?"
“I’m sorry. I have to be sure." She gazed down into her teacup, and twirled it round and round restlessly. "And I'm not."
Jay thrust his face nearer to hers, his voice rising. "I never know what's going on in your head. You’re always pulling away. Why don't you tell me what you're so afraid of?"
"Shhhh." She glanced up and could see him fulminating, his umber eyes glassy under furrowed dark brows. She was aware that other people were looking at them, picking up on their tension. A wave of guilt overcame her, thickening her throat. She dipped her head. Whatever her problems were, he didn't deserve this.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and pushed the hair back from her forehead. "Let me try to explain."
Jay didn't reply.
She reached out and gently lifted his large hand from his knee, her stomach knotting. She could share something. Open up a bit. "Let me tell you about this guy I went out with."
"What guy?" Jay's expression darkened, his jaw jutting.
Jeez-us. It's a good thing he didn't know about Simon. She squeezed his hand and clarified. "He was my highschool boyfriend." She felt Jay relax a bit. "I was so in love.” Kate gazed wistfully over his shoulder, shaking her head. “At the time I thought he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with."<
br />
At Jay's puzzled expression, she quickly concluded her story. "He dumped me quite unceremoniously in the middle of first-year university." The story sounded stupid now. Irrelevant. How could anyone ever understand what she'd been through. "He broke my heart."
Jay's response was a blend of compassion and righteousness. "Poor baby. You think I would drop you like that?" He wrapped his strong arm around her and pulled her close, kissing her hair. "I'm no eighteen-year-old puppy. I want you forever, Kate. I mean it."
She remained limp and unresponsive in his embrace, remembering the utter dejection and lost self-esteem that she'd felt until Simon came along to distract her. "No, no. Don't take it the wrong way." Her voice was pleading. "I know that was only a teen romance. But I was wrong once. And I could be wrong again. So could you." She sat upright and met his eyes with fervor. “We should be certain."
She'd been wrong more than once. Maybe that's all she'd had with Simon, too. A trivial childish romance. It was a lot easier to file away their history when she thought of it that way. Wasn't it? But it felt like so much more, and she couldn’t let it go.
“I need a little more time to think this through.” Now that Jay had asked the question, she had to make up her mind.
Jay heaved a sigh. "Okay. Okay." His voice was tight, determined. "I can't force you, can I? I'll give you the time you need. But know that I am certain. And I'm not going away."
Despite her doubts about the depth of their connection, he was a good man and he truly loved her. It wouldn’t be a bad thing. She should just say yes. She probably would. If only she could trust her own heart.
~*~
After several desperate phone messages, Kate had finally connected with her best friend on Sunday night for dinner at their favorite cheap Italian restaurant on the Drive. They sat huddled over a candle at a small red-gingham covered table in the corner of the dimly lit room. All Alexa wanted to talk about was Jay and his proposal, while Kate kept coming back to Simon and her reaction to him.
Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel Page 3