She offered him a conciliatory smile. No matter what happened, she didn’t want to fight with him.
He polished off his tea. “I’d better get going. I have a client coming in this afternoon.” He stood up and then hesitated, expectant. He seemed to be as aware as she was that everything was left hanging, uncertain. Was this good-bye, then, for the time being?
She stood and walked with him toward the door. “I’ll keep you posted.”
Turning at the door, Simon nodded and lifted a hand, reaching toward her cheek, but stopping short. Kate’s eyes widened, and she pulled back slightly. If he touched her now, there was no telling what she might do. He dropped his hand with a sigh of resignation.
When he was gone, she stood for a long while by the door, thinking. One thing for certain, Simon’s return had turned her entire life upside down, and he wasn’t going to let her bury her feelings anymore. Her fingers traced the outline of her eternity knot pendant, as she did when she was stressed, or had difficult questions to ponder. She wore it for a reason. To remind her of the interconnectedness of all phenomena. In other words, to remind her that none of these events were happening in isolation, and that perhaps there was a reason for it all.
If she was serious about her job, her life’s work, and truly wanted to help people with their relationships, and maybe help herself, too, then she had two things she knew she had to do. Kate vowed to uncover both Eli and D’arcee’s secrets, whatever they might be. And she promised herself that she would have an honest visit with her past. It was time to clean the skeletons out of her own closet.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The November rains continued unabated, painting an unbroken haze of grey days without boundaries. After a few days had passed, and Kate had heard from no one on the case, she tried reaching D'arcy. Even though Kate had no explicit strategy as yet, D'arcy undoubtedly needed reassurance. Maybe she could make a lunch date and try to inspire her confidence. If Simon was correct, and she was harbouring a secret, the timing might be just right to bring it out. But there was no answer, and after repeated tries, she decided to switch tacks and try Eli.
Eli remained elusive. She kept getting his voice mail, and when he failed to return her messages, she wondered if there was a remote chance they’d gone away together somewhere. When she finally got through to him early Sunday morning, correctly assuming that she’d catch him in bed, he informed her that he’d been working. That’s all. Working. He sounded distracted and aloof. He hadn’t spoken to D'arcy and had no idea where she was or if she was alright. It seemed he’d made no effort to contact her in almost a week. He did a good job pretending that he didn’t care about his marriage and she had the distinct impression he hung up and crawled right back into bed.
When Kate had caught up on her other work, done her filing, shopping, and even cleaned her fridge, she could no longer avoid calling Sharon. She sat drinking tea while she folded laundry and absent-mindedly watched the Remembrance Day ceremonies on TV. To a backdrop of plaintive bagpipes, she watched dignitaries place battered wreaths against the steps of the war memorial, and her heart squeezed for those poor frail old men huddled bravely against the cold wind and drizzle, their thinning numbers tenaciously holding onto memories of the most horrific, traumatic experiences from their lost youth. Was that really a good thing? It seemed an inevitable part of the human condition, to hold on to pain, to make it a part of your life. Contemplating the meaning of courage, she slowly pressed the mute button and picked up the phone at last, dialing Sharon’s cell number, in the off chance she was not at her office.
“Ah. There you are. I was wondering when I’d hear from you,” Sharon said.
“I rather thought that I’d be hearing from you,” Kate rebutted.
“What can I do for you?”
“I’ve tried unsuccessfully to reach D'arcy. And Eli doesn’t seem to know where she is. Perhaps you’ve heard something?”
“She’s been in Montreal for the past week. Visiting her parents. She’s due back on the twentieth.” Sharon sounded smug. Kate felt her dander rising. Why wouldn’t Sharon know? D'arcy was her client. The rebuff felt like a coded message. Had Kate’s confession about Simon alienated D'arcy? Or had Sharon poisoned her against Kate?
“Oh. I see,” she replied. “I wanted to meet with her. I guess it will have to wait.” What else could she say? She certainly wasn’t going to bring up the conflict of interest issue.
“I’ll call you when I’ve spoken with her. If she’s interested in meeting with you. I’ll let you know.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” You bitch! Kate ground her teeth until a sharp pain shot through her temples. If she’s interested? She didn’t need Sharon’s approval to meet with D'arcy. She’s my client too. Who do you think you are? “I’d appreciate that.”
Sharon said nothing for a few uncomfortable moments. Her voice, when she spoke, was a soft growl of contentment. She was really enjoying torturing Kate, like a cat toying with a mouse. “I haven’t dropped the professional conduct claim, in case you’re wondering. I’ve looked into the process with the Mediator Roster Society. I’m actually getting the paperwork organized as we speak. You can assume I’ll be filing it shortly.” Kate felt her stomach drop to the ground. She was actually going to go through with it.
Kate donned a cool, indifferent voice like a cape of courage, which barely hid her rage and trepidation. “Do what you have to do, Sharon.”
Sharon cleared her throat. “I guess you and Simon are enjoying getting cozy while the case is on hold.”
A tense, relentless silence stretched between them. “Simon and I have not seen each other; nor are we seeing each other, Sharon. Your threats don’t intimidate me. There is no foundation to your claim.”
“Hmmm. We’ll see what your executive think about that,” Sharon answered haughtily. “Obviously you’re willing to gamble your accolades on a not-so-sure thing”
Kate was so agitated after hanging up the phone she found herself standing with her fists clenched, staring into the muted television screen and fuming about Sharon’s threats. Looking down at last, she saw she’d crushed the clean handkerchief Simon had handed her last week during her bout of tears. She’d have to iron it now.
With some sense of perspective, Kate called up Alexa to confirm their spa appointment the next afternoon. Kate had not had a chance to talk to her yet about recent events. Meanwhile, she needed a walk to clear her head.
The bracing November air slapped her face and tossed her hair as she made her way from Yaletown down to the boardwalk on the north side of False Creek. She decided to walk toward Science World and admire the boats in the marina en route. Though it was a holiday, the cold wind and gusts of wetness that shuddered down from the sky kept the crowds thin. A blast of cold air and a sudden shower of fat icy raindrops made her stop and tug the hood of her anorak closer, hunching her shoulders. She turned to the white steel railing for a moment, her back to the weather. Metal rigging and stays on the sailboats tied up at the dock swayed and rattled loudly against their steel masts, drowning the sound of the wind momentarily.
From the corner of her eye, she thought she saw a familiar dark-clad figure approaching on the boardwalk behind her, but when she turned to look, nothing was there but a retreating cyclist wobbling slightly against the wind, and some people in bright jackets strolling in the far distance. She continued her walk, pondering Sharon’s troublesome interference. She could make Kate’s life incredibly difficult if she pursued this course of action. But perhaps she was only bluffing. It was bad enough the case had gone so badly off the rails, and now this. She was distressed to think how the society executive would see what she had done, or failed to do. It was, potentially, a huge embarrassment, especially because she was in the limelight right now. A professional reprimand, because surely that’s the worst they would do to her, would cast a pall over her award and presentation at the AGM. Especially since notices of reprimands and disciplinary measures were circulated to the membersh
ip. But could she wish her relationship with Simon away, simply because it was inconvenient or difficult for her? Do I really want to?
Relationship. She wasn’t even sure that’s what it was. So much emotional baggage, and for what? No matter what eventually happened with Simon, the feelings he had aroused in her made it clear, she needed more. She could never be satisfied with less. Staying with Jay would have been a terrible mistake. Both of them would live to regret it.
She had to resolve these questions once and for all. She had to be strong, and fight both her fear of being alone, and her fear of intimacy.
~*~
“Mmm.” Alexa’s eyes were closed behind her severe angular frames. “This is just what I needed.”
Wrapped in fluffy white terrycloth robes, they were perched side by side on high faux-leather reclining chairs overlooking a tropical oasis with palm trees and a softly bubbling waterfall, their feet immersed in identical tubs of hot soapy water. A ceramic dish of dried fruit and nuts sat between them.
“Me too. Much better than squash,” Kate murmured, wiggling her toes in the hot water, inhaling the soothing scent of essential oils– something tropical and sweetly floral. She felt herself relaxing into the sound of the burbling fountain. Sighing, she said, “We should go to Maui again someday soon.”
“I’m sorry about the past two weeks. Work’s been so intense. Two project deadlines, three proposals. And Krystof wanted my help hiring a couple new interns, so there were interviews, etc.”
“Mmm.” Kate secretly fumed whenever Alexa mentioned her boss. She tried to keep too much judgment out of her tone of voice, not wishing to ruin the mood. “And how is Krystof?” She reached for a slice of mango and nibbled it’s sweet chewy flesh.
Alexa sighed. “You know. He’s back with his wife… again.”
“I guess I don’t have to ask if you’re still sleeping with him.”
“Not right now.” Alexa shifted in her chair and flexed her wet feet in the tub. “Only when he’s separated from his wife.”
Kate ground her teeth together. They’d had this debate a million times. “Has it occurred to you that you shouldn’t do it at all, as long as he’s still married to her?” She suffered a twist of guilt, realizing that she’d somehow fallen into a parallel situation with Simon.
Alexa exhaled and peered over her frames. “Not every married couple is meant to be together. You’re somewhat biased in that department. I know you’d like to but you can’t fix every failed marriage.”
Two young aestheticians entered the room and settled down opposite each of their clients, pulling out towels and toolkits. Cheerful greeting were exchanged, pink and claret red polish colours selected, and they set to work. Alexa let out a long slow breath.
“How about you? What’s new?” Alexa grabbed a fistful of nuts and fruit, popping them into her open mouth.
Tension swirled through Kate’s muscles, and she felt light-headed. She didn’t reply, even though she knew Alexa eventually would squeeze every detail out of her.
Alexa sat up, pulling down her dark glasses and glaring at Kate over their tops. “You’re scaring me. Prolonged silence from you can only mean one thing. C’mon. Spill the beans.”
“I don’t know where to begin,” Kate said, a hot tingling pressing at her eyes.
“At the beginning of course.”
The two young women bent their heads over their clients’ toes, working diligently.
Kate filled Alexa in on her squash game with Simon and its disturbing fallout. “He asked me out for dinner. Just to talk… you know… about the past.”
“Uh-huh.” Alexa’s eyes sparkled.
Kate was feeling sheepish. She knew Alexa was way ahead of her, and just needed the details, but it was uncomfortable to have to relate the facts, now that so much had happened. It made it more real somehow. “We went for Indian food. And there was a huge tapestry from the Kama Sutra right over our table.” Kate gave her a pained expression. Alexa laughed heartily at Kate’s description of the murals, and Simon’s obvious discomfort upon finding them sitting under such sensual images. “It was all downhill from there.”
“Downhill? Don’t you mean smooth sailing?”
Kate squirmed and kept her gaze fixed on the trickling waterfall across from them. The aesthetician poked and pruned and scrubbed at her feet, distracting her.
“So then he took you home.”
“Not so fast,” Kate said. “First I had to have another whopper of an anxiety attack. Then of course he had to take me home.” Kate wished her story stopped there.
“Aaaand…?” Alexa prompted while the aestheticians held their breath.
Kate glanced at them, lowering her voice. “Well, I don’t know what I was thinking but…” Kate felt a shiver of remembered sensual pleasure. “Oh, Alex. It’s so complicated. You can’t imagine how hard this is for me.”
“I can imagine, yes.” She didn’t skip a beat. “But did you sleep with him?”
“Shhhh.”
A small intake of breath emanated from one of the girls, prompting a severe glance from her companion as she reached for her clippers.
“What’s going on exactly? What did he say? What did he do? What did you do?” Alexa leaned in expectantly. “How did it compare to Jay? He’s pretty hot.”
She groaned. Thinking of Jay just made her feel worse. Despicable, discomposed.
The aesthetician shifted Kate’s feet, wrapping them in soft blue towels. Kate shared her fears about becoming intimate with Simon again, and how she’d really wanted to avoid it, but something else had happened, so much beyond her control.
“No comparison. It was an amazing evening —night— I guess I should say. Like a reunion with a lost part of myself. I forgot everything. We fit together so beautifully. And he seemed to feel the same way.”
“That sounds like a good thing.” Alexa caught the aestheticians gaping open mouthed, but her narrowed eyes sent them quickly back to work, painting perfect red crescents of polish in expert strokes.
“But in the morning— “ Kate winced, remembering the painful collision of his tender feelings and her naked terror. “In the morning, it was so— he started to say something…”
“No way.” Alexa stopped, a handful of dried apricots and almonds half-way to her open mouth, smoky green eyes piercing Kate over her dark-framed spectacles.
“Well, I may have jumped to conclusions, but in that moment I was suddenly so afraid, I knew we couldn’t go on. I was feeling quite overwhelmed. There’s just no knowing what I might have said. And I knew, I just knew, that I couldn’t trust my feelings.”
“I suppose you’re falling in love with him again, aren’t you?” Alexa’s face was twisted into the familiar wry smile she wore whenever the subject of love came up, as though she were referring to fairies or alien abductions.
“But how do I know that? How do I know it’s love, and not just some sick dependency? Or a fear of being alone? Maybe my perfect mate hasn’t even shown up yet. Why is this so hard for me?”
“What about Jay?” Alexa sobered. “Did you give him an answer yet?”
Kate gave her a sad smile and shook her head. “On Halloween. I finally told him I just didn’t have the right feelings for him. That I never would. Do you honestly think I could have been with Simon if I hadn’t broken off with Jay?”
“I guess not. Not you.” Alexa shook her head sadly. “What a waste. But you do have feelings for Simon.”
“Yes. I don’t know. I mean, how do I know it’s real and not imaginary? I mean, he’s still married, and has a daughter. How can I trust this thing? I don’t know what’s worse, blithely carrying on and then getting dumped because I’ve imagined some grand love affair, and having to crawl out of the ashes again, or waking up in a few years and thinking, ‘Who the hell is this guy? I don’t even know him!”
Alexa frowned, understanding Kate’s fear. “You’ve got trust issues, you know that. But Simon is the one man you seem to feel strongly about
. From what you’ve told me, what’s not to love? Just because you fell in love with him before, and are falling again, doesn’t mean it’s not real. Maybe he is the one. Maybe that’s exactly what it feels like.” She made a wry face. “Hey. What do I know about love? I’m not even convinced it exists.”
Kate reached across and squeezed her hand.
“How does he compare to Jay, or Grant, for example? Grant was great, too, and that fizzled.” Grant was Kate’s previous boyfriend, almost three years ago, a darkly handsome architect that Alex had introduced her to, who had finally stormed out in frustration at Kate’s lack of commitment, or, she had to admit to herself, attention. She had been content to sail along in a static state of semi-attachment, relieved that there were at least no difficulties to overcome. So she had thought. She had felt safe. There hadn’t really been anything wrong with Grant, either. Not quite tall enough, perhaps… It was all kind of lukewarm, that’s all, just like Jay, and she hadn’t missed him when he was gone.
Kate sighed deeply in reply. “I agree with you. When I’m calm, and I’m with him, I love everything about Simon. But I’m a nervous wreck lately. These attacks— I’ve been getting paranoid. I-I think Simon has triggered memories. I’ve been having dreams. I know I’ve made the right decision with Jay, but I’ve passed up an opportunity to be with a really good man –handsome, successful, fun, and I know he really loved me– because of something that’s wrong with me. What if I broke up with him for the wrong reasons? What if my past has ruined me forever, Alex? Am I so damaged I can’t make a relationship work with anyone?”
Alexa thought about that for a long time. It was so quiet it was clear the aestheticians had stopped breathing altogether.
Then Alex met Kate’s eye with a steady gaze. “I don’t have the answers, Kate, but you might be onto something. Let me throw this idea at you. What if it isn’t about the guy, and whether he’s the right one for you? What if your focus on the perfect partnership is a way to avoid commitment? Because if you made a commitment to someone, you’d have to open up completely, and give more of yourself than you’re comfortable giving.”
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