They sat facing each other for several minutes, each of them searching their soul for the strength to commit to facing their worst fears. Then Eli offered his hand, palm open, and she slowly slipped her hand over his, and they squeezed. Her fate was sealed. What have I done?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
November 24, ----
Dear Roster Administrator;
I write in rebuttal to the grossly exaggerated claim brought forward by the attorney, Sharon Beckett, that I mislead both her and my clients by failing to disclose knowledge of a former acquaintance with…
Kate sat, eyes unfocussed, staring at the blinking cursor on her computer screen. What a stinking pile of emotional melodrama. She couldn’t do it.
She blinked, and hit the delete key until the screen was blank again. Then continued to tap her fingers on the mouse pad for several long, thoughtful minutes, gazing blindly at the balsamic moon suspended like a slender sling in the clear night sky outside her vast windows. She heard the distant squeal of tires outside. A faint, faraway siren echoed.
Dear Roster Administrator;
This letter is in response to the claim by Sharon Beckett that I allegedly withheld knowledge of my client’s attorney when our past relationship might have been disclosed at the outset. In retrospect, I see that this is may be true. However initially I was uncertain of his identity and my hesitation led to avoidance out of embarrassment. I convinced myself that the fact we had not seen each other in over fifteen years…
She felt sick. Not sweaty, shaking, dizzy sick, like staring into the dark chasm of her past tended to inspire. This was a nauseous, tight swirling in her stomach. A burning behind her eyelids. A heavy weight like a foot upon her heart. She knew everything she’d ever struggled with had finally come together in this one horribly painful moment and that her actions now would either free her or weigh her down for the rest of her days. Or maybe not. The society review board only needed to know enough to restore her good reputation, but Kate knew there was more going on in her heart. Even though she knew her error was a misdemeanor, Sharon’s spitefulness still had her emotions roiling. There didn’t seem to be an easy way out. She had to think clearly. Again she deleted the text.
What is most important to me? What do I value? What do I really want in life? What’s really at stake here? Questions spun round and round in her head as she fingered her eternal knot pendant, flipping it over and over, asking for guidance.
These should be easy questions. They were ones she’d tackled before. Kate knew what it was like to be lost, not to know or trust herself. She also knew what it felt like to put herself back together, one brick, one cell, one idea at a time. Kate knew herself. She knew she cared about people and she knew her insight and skills could help people with problems that she understood. She understood human frailty, and she empathized deeply with people who had screwed up and deserved another chance at happiness.
Doing this had given her life focus and meaning and joy. She felt a deep sense of purpose and was rewarded by the life’s work she’d chosen. This insight and commitment was what made her so particularly good at mediation. Better than the others. It was this ability to understand and help others that provided her with clarity and self-respect. Without this work she wouldn’t be whole, would have so much less to offer. To her clients, to her friends and family, and certainly to Simon or Jay or anyone else with whom she might choose to share her life. Without that solid foundation, she would be so much less, incomplete as a person.
And yet, despite her focus on her work and career, she also wanted Simon’s love. She had, on some level, always wanted Simon, and even when she questioned her own judgment, her own motives for wanting and believing herself in love with him, she still needed him with the very core of her being. As if her desire to be with him was a force bigger than her. Wanting him so much had loosened the stones of her foundation years ago and begun an erosion of her belief in herself, an avalanche of self-doubt that had nearly obliterated her sense of self. She had rejected the dependency this notion of romantic love had created in her. The weakness it implied. This was the reason she was so afraid to surrender to her attraction to him. This was why allowing herself to be near him was so terrifying. Simon somehow represented an abyss that might, should she venture too near the edge, annihilate all that she had become. All that she came to value about herself, and depend upon. Why was she so afraid? Did she really fear losing herself if she surrendered to love?
And yet she still wanted his love. She wanted Simon’s love like no other. Her every attempt at a relationship had failed precisely because of the love she had experienced with him all those years ago and still carried inside her like a glowing ember, a flame that refused to be extinguished. Nothing could compare. God knows, she’d tried to love Jay. It always came out sounding like an enumeration of his good qualities, but in the most unfeeling, abstract terms, like a curriculum vitae for a job as husband and lover. He certainly qualified. But she just couldn’t make herself love him no matter how hard she’d tried. Poor Jay. Poor Grant. Poor Thom. Poor…
Kate shook her head and picked up the letter from the Roster Administrator, re-reading the already painfully familiar lines.
Dear Ms. O’Day,
It has come to our attention… breach of professional conduct… failure to disclose former relationship with counsel for your client, a Mr. Simon Sharpe, esq.… Ms. Beckett’s concern for her client… standards of professional ethics… etc. etc. opportunity to explain… Please respond by… Yours truly, Dr. Leonard Howard, Roster Administrator.
Kate knew that Rose, her mentor and councilor, saw everything that crossed Howard’s desk. She’d been on the executive for years and practically ran the society. Kate closed her eyes, seeing Rose’s familiar kind face, remembering the hours she’d sat in her office talking and crying her heart out. The bitter memories brought a fresh flood of tears to her eyes. She sat, wracked by silent convulsive sobs, reliving the painful exploration of her darkest days. She had had so much going for her, and so many things that she wanted to achieve, and had been brought so low in one, really it was just one, black stroke of fate. All the other stuff, even her convoluted dependency on Simon, all of that was just a complex emotional response to the first.
She felt the old anger burn in her core, the resentment that such a mindless act of brutality and selfish disdain could cause such havoc in a life. Her life. Yet part of her felt a contemptuous pity for the guy that triggered it all with his vile act. And she felt sorry for her young, helpless, idealistic self. It was time to rise above it and find some peace. But her scars were still tender, despite all that.
Those were tough times but she got through them and she’d thought it was all behind her. While she was glad she’d called Rose in October to ask her advice when all of this began, she knew that meant there was nothing she could hide now. Nor did she want to. Honesty and integrity meant everything to Kate.
If she valued her self-respect, her professional reputation, her peace of mind, her very way of life, the only way through this was straight through the gauntlet. She would tell the truth, take the consequences and piece it all back together on the other side. Even if that meant she had to face humiliation. She was certain hers wasn’t such a terrible transgression that she would lose her license. Even if it meant she had to walk away from Simon. There was no other way. Determined, she returned to her keyboard.
To the Roster Administrator and Executive of the Mediator Roster Society of BC;
I cannot prevaricate. There are those among the executive who know enough about my past to make the truth unavoidable. Furthermore, my training in this honored profession has given me sufficient self-knowledge to be unable to deny the kernel of truth in this claim and still face myself in the mirror.
It was without a doubt unprofessional of me to avoid disclosure of the full details of a past relationship with the attorney assigned to my current mediation client, when I knew myself to be affected by his unexpected reappear
ance. I sought guidance from my mentor and we agreed I could move forward. In truth, I knew him intimately, and was emotionally involved with him for some time. These issues are clearly not fully resolved for me and my renewed and, I admit, not entirely unavoidable reacquaintance with him has brought that to the fore.
I can, however, commit to a deferment of this personal matter, however difficult, whatever the consequences may be, until my commitment to my current clients has been fulfilled. This is my first duty. Rest assured, I do have the self-awareness, confidence and discipline to carry out my responsibilities without allowing this matter to interfere any further.
Despite the above and the fact that these events have been a distraction to me and therefore may have compromised my efficacy as a professional, I maintain that there is not and has never been any conflict of interest or risk to my clients. I hold my clients’ well-being, and my responsibility to serve them, above all else. If my confusion over this matter has allowed any errors in perception or judgment, and I do not believe it has, then it is within my power to correct these small lapses. I believe my understanding of the clients in this case is as insightful and accurate as ever and I remain committed to work to the fullest of my ability toward a satisfactory resolution to their case. At this point, I believe my clients’ trust has not been compromised and that a mutually satisfactory mediation of their conflict is possible, even likely. They are now both fully apprised of the situation and have not expressed any desire to make changes to the arrangements.
Kate hesitated, reviewing her text, considering her next move.
I deeply regret that these circumstances have caused my esteemed colleague, Ms. Beckett, any concern for her client, and I respect her integrity in pursuing the matter through professional avenues. It is my sincerest hope that, with further understanding, she will be willing to let the matter rest.
That felt like a slight untruth. Not that Kate’s remorse wasn’t genuine, but in her gut she knew Sharon’s motive to be less than honest, with not a small measure of vindictiveness and manipulation behind it. But since, short of making these unfounded accusations public, it would be the honorable thing to say, and since she knew a copy of the letter would be sent to Sharon, it served its purpose doubly well to give her the benefit of the doubt. It wouldn’t do to provoke the woman considering what she had already done.
Feeling somewhat better, she proofread and printed the letter, signing it and sealing the envelope before she could change her mind. She might as well put it right into the mailbox, while she was in the mood. She stood and pulled on her coat and grabbed her bag.
A pair of lavender Fluevog Luna boots in the shop window on the corner had been calling to her for weeks. Tall, supple distressed leather with buckles top and bottom and chunky heels. They shouted power. Those boots are made for walkin’. I am definitely going to buy them. She lifted her chin, pulled her shoulders back, and entered the shop. A little recompense was due.
On the way out the door onto the street, she practically crashed into a tall, dark man hunched in a broad overcoat. Jay.
She felt herself shrink inward, the bubble of happiness her boots had brought her popping. This was the very last thing she needed right now. “Jay,” she said halfheartedly.
She noted the minute wince that registered dismay on his handsome face. She was sorry that she couldn’t feign enthusiasm she didn’t feel.
“I need to talk to you,” he said.
She stared at him, impassive.
“I’m not willing to let you go.” His frustration had built, showing in the determined set of his jaw, his furrowed brow.
“I won’t change my mind.” It was harsh, she knew. But how could he press her?
He looked crestfallen. “I love you.”
“But Jay, I don’t love you.”
“Give me a chance. We can be so good together. You’ll come to love me in time.”
“No. I won’t.” She was impatient to go. She didn’t want to go through this again. “Why won’t you accept that?”
“I’m as right for you as you are for me. You know it.”
“If you knew me at all, you wouldn’t say that. You don’t know what I need.”
The muscles in his jaw bunched. “I know it’s only fear of commitment… You have to trust me.”
“It’s not about trust. It’s not fear of commitment.” She was starting bristle with resentment.
His eyes pulled to the side, glaring down the street. “You don’t know your own mind. You never could make decisions.”
Kate tamped down her resentment. “That may be true, but at least my doubts are my own.”
He grabbed her shoulders with gloved hands, pressing his face closer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it that way.” His strong, handsome mouth stretched taut, quivering. “I miss you.” His face came closer and he tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away.
“Stop it. I’m sorry I mislead you, Jay. You deserve better than this, but I can’t be what you want.” She squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth. “I’m in love with someone else.” She stepped back, noting the stunned, open-mouthed expression on his face. Her heart squeezed with remorse, her throat constricting with tears. She should have told him sooner. If only she knew it herself. Her last words were whispered. “Leave me alone, Jay. Please.”
She was tense, sweating, jittery, and had the beginnings of a massive headache. Her nerves were shot. She stormed away toward the mailbox at the end of the street and slipped her envelope into the slot with a trembling hand. How much more could a person take in one day?
~*~
Kate was finally able to meet with D'arcy and her mother after waiting for almost two weeks. She was excited to resume reconciliation sessions, but filled with trepidation before the prospect of confronting the issue of her alleged professional misconduct with D'arcy and the formidable Madame Duchamp.
She had to be perfectly clear in her mind how she would address the issue of her relationship with Simon and believe her own story, or she would never come across as sincere. Securing their confidence was critical for her plan. She had to win over D’arcy’s mother if she hoped to persuade her to meet privately with Eli. Kate had to make sure the meeting went ahead as planned or she’d need a new plan.
Her case files were spread out on the dining room table. Oscar leapt up and spread his mangy body out across her papers, flicking his bent tail and tossing her a feigned look of disdain. “Oh, you’re not fooling me, you old baby,” she crooned and gently plucked him off the files to curl him onto her lap, stroking him.
Only a few minutes had passed when the phone rang and, expecting it would be D'arcy with some question or change of detail, she answered it formally, but with a smile in her voice. “Kathryn O’Day,” she said.
A moment passed. “It’s Tuesday. I miss seeing you, Kathryn O’Day,” said Simon in a gentle, playful tone.
Oh! Her heart rate shot through the stratosphere, sending adrenaline through her veins. He was the last person on earth she’d been expecting. Kate had spent a good deal of time and energy thinking about Simon, but that was a far cry from being ready to talk to him. A fluttery feeling in her belly told her she wasn’t prepared. In her astonishment, she actually forgot to reply.
“That bad, eh? I was kind of hoping you’d be glad to hear my voice,” he said.
“Uuh.” Glad to hear his voice? The sound of it sent her head spinning and her pulse racing. She was overjoyed to hear his voice, she wanted to leap for joy. But that was bad. On the one hand, she’d committed to postpone dealing with this relationship until the case was over. On the other, she remembered her vow to Eli, and tried to calm herself sufficiently to say something warm and friendly, and yet retain some dignity. What would he think if I suddenly came on like a schoolgirl with a crush, or an old lover keen to rekindle the flame? While she was in some respects both of these undesirable things, she certainly didn’t want to appear so. Oscar batted her idle hand and she resumed scratching his ch
in.
“Kate?”
She put a hand on her heart to steady it. “Sorry to sound so stunned. I haven’t heard from you in awhile and I’m afraid my mind was elsewhere.” I sound like a ninny! She was trying to convey so much with just a few words and the tone of her voice, she could hardly think at all.
“I was only checking to see if you’ve made any progress with D'arcy and Eli. I’m afraid I’ve been quite delinquent for the past two weeks. I haven’t even spoken with Eli since he walked out.”
“Really? I’m surprised.” She hadn’t missed the dejection in his voice. Her recovery had been too slow; he had mistaken her hesitation for disdain. A weight settled to the base of her stomach.
“I’m off to meet with D'arcy this afternoon… ” she paused, “ … and her mother. They’ve just returned from Montreal together.” She waited for his reply.
“O-oh?” He sounded uncertain. “And how are you planning to handle that?”
“We-ell. I don’t know what to expect from Madame Duchamp, of course. But I’m going to try to get her to agree to meet with Eli.”
“You’re crazy. Eli won’t go for that.” Simon’s voice held more than a hint of concern. “That’ll be a disaster.”
“You really are out of touch. Eli and I have an… understanding. It was his idea to meet her alone. He’s going to confront her.”
“About what?”
“About the $100,000 bribe they offered him seven years ago,” Kate revealed this jewel with smug amusement in her tone, anticipating Simon’s reaction. He did not disappoint her.
“Je-sus!” he breathed. “I knew there was something there. But I never imagined… ” he tapered off.
“Yeah.” Kate bit her lip, pondering her next words. “I really think this needs to happen to unlock this issue for Eli and D'arcy.” She chose not to mention her concern over the complaint. She would deal with that on her own.
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