“My, look at the time,” came Mme. Duchamp’s predictable interjection. “I’m afraid I will have to excuse myself shortly.” Her armour remained intact as Kate pointedly raised her eyes to meet her adversary’s.
“There’s just one thing, Madame Duchamp, before we–”
“Call me Helen, please.”
“Helen,” Kate did not break her pace, “your work is not done, I’m afraid.” Madame Duchamp, Helen, froze in place, her eyes locked on Kate’s. She would not mention the bribe. It was not her place to share this secret with D'arcy. “If you care about your daughter’s happiness and hope for a stable, healthy home for your grandchild, then you must commit to repairing your damaged relationship with Eli. It’s up to you.”
Her face tight and blanched, Helen seemed at a loss for words. Hesitantly, she sidestepped, “I expected you to resume your sessions first, assuming he… Eli… will agree.”
“He’ll come back. I can promise you that. He wants to as much as D'arcy does. He also knows that it’s time to face his responsibilities. He wants to meet with you first, Helen. Alone. I said I’d make the arrangements.” D'arcy appeared shocked and confused. Helen pulled her mouth into a tight line, and gripped a thumb with the other hand, rubbing it repeatedly. Her eyes closed on a long blink, and opened with a flutter. Kate could well imagine why she was ill at ease. Her past had returned to haunt her and here she was, cornered, forced to atone for her sins and without her husband beside her. Kate would have put money on the fact that she’d be on the phone to him the moment she was alone. After extracting a commitment to make herself available to meet with Eli within the next few days, Kate wrapped up the meeting and bid them farewell.
On her way home in the taxi, Kate stared blindly at the rhythmic swipe of the windshield wipers, almost as though they had contributed to her hypnotic trance. She thought again of her apropos comment to Helen and D'arcy.
The present is tainted by the past.
She missed Simon. The desire to find him and fall into his comforting arms, to tell him every detail of her day was so powerful her chest ached with it, and her head felt so light and woozy, she thought she might faint. Waiting until the case was concluded before pursuing her relationship with him was going to be excruciating. There was no denying it, she loved him. There was no other way to describe the overwhelming breathless feeling that swelled inside her when she thought of him. It was something more than that wild, pulse-racing flutter she felt when she was near him, more than the mindless heat she felt burn through her blood when he touched her. She loved him deeply, over and above being as much in love with him as she ever had been.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Kate hustled past the Four Seasons Hotel toward the domed glass structure of the mall entrance just as pinpricks of snow materialized on the chill evening air, the first of the season. Dusk came early this time of year, and stores were staying open late already in anticipation of the Christmas shopping madness yet to come. She was glad she had only one or two more gifts to find.
The snow fell gradually, and picked up speed as she approached the mall. She stopped in her tracks, suddenly struck by the serenity of the scene. Tiny twinkling white Christmas lights twined around the reaching silhouetted branches of several small trees on the corner plaza, and contrasted against the deepening indigo of the evening sky with its screen of small snowflakes drifting gently in all directions, they were as yet so insubstantial, the air so calm.
Finding a bench under one of the trees, she perched for a moment, allowing the nascent snowfall to land on her upturned face and bare hands, enjoying their gentle, cool caress. She was glad of the snow, though in this mild maritime climate, the odds were it wouldn’t be here when Christmas came around. But one could still hope.
Her mood was one of elation and optimism. Her mind was extra alert and active, with a sparkling, fizzing character to her thoughts, as she reviewed her week. It was almost as though some of those cold, spiraling ice crystals were dancing around in her head. After she’d waited by the phone for most of yesterday, Eli had called at last to report on his meeting with Helen on Friday. With Kate’s help and urging, they’d managed to schedule a luncheon meeting in an acceptable location for Friday noon. Predictably, she would not go to his studio, and he would not set foot in the Hotel Vancouver. Kate had suggested a pleasant bistro they would both find acceptable, and finalized the appointment. Then she could do nothing but wait.
When Eli finally did call late last afternoon, she immediately sensed that it had gone, if not very well, then not too badly. Eli’s voice was strange, filled with strain and substance, his words sparse and he announced gravely that they’d come to an understanding. Kate’s impression was that it had been difficult for both of them. He seemed changed and, though he offered few details, she trusted him.
“Have you told D'arcy?”
He told her Madame Duchamp had promised to fill her in. “It’ll be alright, Kate, don’t worry,” he had said with the weight of new authority that gave her a curious confidence. Whatever particulars had transpired, Eli was explicit in one thing. He was ready to resume reconciliation if D'arcy was. Kate was ecstatic and promised him to schedule a meeting for the coming Tuesday. She could hardly wait to tell Simon.
Lost in her evening reverie, only gradually did she become aware of the shoppers moving in silent, colourful pantomime through the glass of the brightly illuminated mall, like a scene trapped inside a snow globe, with the snow on the outside.
Busy shoppers bustled to and fro, laden with their shopping, emerging and disappearing from the mouth of the escalator like ants from an anthill, rainbow bright baubles and strands of green metallic tinsel suspended from the domed ceiling. She squinted her eyes. There was one very pretty family that her wandering eye kept returning to, they seemed so idyllic in their pose and delightful mood, perched as they were on the landing by the doors. A father in a toque and his young child sat on a bench with their backs to her, laughing and talking animatedly with the young and very beautiful mother, with her fashionable leather coat and tall boots, her long, shining chestnut hair. She bent to put something away and then turned to lift her little girl, for now Kate could see the brown pigtails, to give her a kiss and a tight squeeze, as though in parting.
Kate’s breath caught in her throat with a hitch. It was at this precise moment that she realized she knew the players in this little drama only too well.
She watched, horrified and transfixed, as Simon rose, laughing, from the bench to pry Maddie’s clinging arms from around Rachel’s slender neck and lifted her into his arms, allowing Rachel to button her coat and hoist her many bags into her arms.
When Simon bent to kiss Rachel on the cheek, and she moved away, almost as if in slow motion, and pulled her graceful gloved hand from his grasp, Kate felt a fragile perspiration clinging to her lip and brow, her stomach a churning, poisonous chemical brew.
Here she was again, on the outside, watching.
When ready, Rachel leaned in to kiss Maddie once more, and then exchanged words and nods with Simon at close quarters, their eyes meeting in common understanding. His family. They looked so beautiful together. Why couldn’t they have stayed in Richmond, where she would never have to see them together like this.
Kate felt all the breath collapse in her chest, her heart shrinking and folding in on itself, and her vision narrowed, dark spots appearing at the fringes. More than panic, this was pain, deep and sharp, slicing through her, eviscerating her. This is what she had been guarding against with every new affair of the heart. But against Simon himself she had no defense. She stood frozen as darkness fell, clutching her fists to her ribs, shivering uncontrollably, convinced she would never draw a full breath again.
Rising and backing away from the glass, she had lost interest in any further shopping. Spinning on her heel, she hurried away into the deepening night, the swirling vortex of the falling snowstorm swallowing her. She strode fretfully away, trying to slow and deepen her breath
ing. Shanti-mukti-shanti-mukti.
On the way home, the image of Simon’s complete family flashed again and again in her mind’s eye. How could Kate mess with that? Though he had never hinted that he might yearn for a reunion with his wife, maybe that’s what would be best for Maddie, and for him as well. What loving father, who had once worshiped and idealized his beautiful, clever wife, wouldn’t? The fact that she still had the power to undo him, to drive him into a passionate fury or a melancholy funk was evidence enough that he still cared about Rachel. That was as it should be. Wasn’t it? She felt a prickling sensation behind her eyes, and blinked it away furiously.
Was there a place for Kate in such a perfect picture? Is that what she wanted? Was it simply jealousy? It was a humiliating but undeniable truth that she could not, even at her best, compete with either the fantasy or the reality of Simon’s exquisite wife. Even if she had character flaws, which she undoubtedly did, she was still his child’s mother, the one that he had chosen.
Confused, Kate determined to keep her distance, and at least give him the chance to reconsider his duty to his family. Getting in the way went against everything she believed. It was the right thing to do. Despite her promise to Eli, she was perfectly capable of choosing right over expedient, however tempting the alternative might be. It was a heartening thought, though it left her feeling cold and hollow.
Around her, the snowflakes converged and coalesced, covering the darkening sidewalks with a fine blanket of white. If Simon wanted to be with her, he’d have to first be free.
~*~
Yesterday’s pristine white city had begun to disintegrate, as pearly cloud cover moved in over the city, temperatures rising just enough to half-melt the freshly fallen snow. Slush lay on the sidewalks and roads, pushed into furrows by car tires, with inches of icy water accumulating next to the curbs.
Though it was still only early December, Kate had put considerable effort into decorating her loft over the weekend, and was glad to set a warm and celebratory stage for D'arcy and Eli’s reunion.
She’d found a Grand Fir tree worthy of her high warehouse ceilings and had it erected in the corner of her space, filling the room with the fresh, pungent outdoor fragrance of evergreen forests. To this was added both colours and layers of rich aromas reminiscent of the season, the cinnamon and orange and brown sugar reflected in the reds, golds, russets and greens that signaled the arrival on her doorstep of all the bounty of the Silk Road.
It took her mind off the fact that her hopes with regard to Simon were muddled. She’d even considered going to spend Christmas in San Francisco with Mom, Dad and her brother’s family, just so she wouldn’t have to sit here alone, feeling like a castoff.
But she had to set her personal grief and disorientation aside, and be strong. This was a momentous occasion for Eli and D'arcy. Eli had dug deep and gathered his courage, garnering tremendous respect from Kate. That Eli could rise to the occasion, and draw on some previously unknown inner strength to achieve what he had not been able to do for seven years, gave her a terrific boost in her faith in human nature. It reinforced her personal beliefs about people, and relationships.
When Simon arrived, Sharon and Eli were already seated with Kate, and D'arcy hadn’t yet shown up. He took his seat, leaned in to help himself to an assortment of tempting Christmas gingerbread and shortbread from a platter, and accepted a cup of sweet-smelling hot, spice tea, catching Kate’s eye and smiling in appreciation. She smiled shyly but quickly looked away, resisting the temptation of melting into the warm embrace of his familiar blue eyes.
Everyone exchanged polite greetings, and well-wishes, and somehow by unspoken consensus did not ask Eli for details about his meeting with D’arcy’s mother, though of course they all knew about it. Nor did anyone make reference to Eli’s angry outburst more than a month earlier, which seemed like old news and no longer carried any emotional punch. He hadn’t said anything yet about the pregnancy, so she didn’t raise it. It was a shy awkward reunion, and everyone was on their best behavior. Even Sharon didn’t mention her complaint, which Kate was grateful for. An undercurrent of tension and expectation awaited D’arcee’s arrival.
Eli had grown his hair longer, and wore it bound back with a ribbon, and also sported a thin goatee and mustache. It gave him a swashbuckling appearance, a la Johnny Depp. Instead of a leather tunic and a shirt with puffed sleeves, however, he wore a fine black turtleneck sweater and jeans, but was no less dashing. He also seemed to carry himself a little straighter, his shoulders squared and his chin proud.
When the buzzer sounded D’arcy’s eventual appearance, they all jumped slightly, and then shuffled and squirmed to hide their unease as Kate went to let her in. She was back in top form, with precisely groomed hair, makeup and fingernails, and stylish clothing. She wore a bulky sweater and slim jeans under her thick winter coat. She said hello to everyone but had eyes for only Eli, and sank slowly onto the sofa, crossing her legs and twitching her pointed high-heeled boot.
As Kate sat down, she locked eyes with D'arcy for a long moment, and tried to sense the status of her big secret, to which D'arcy responded with rising colour, and looked away. Kate had a sinking feeling, and went on red alert.
She opened the meeting and spoke for a few minutes, recapping where they were when they were interrupted, and what new issues she thought needed discussing. She wanted everyone, Eli and D'arcy in particular, to ease back into the rhythm of the sessions without being put on the spot. She wove her discourse in and about the sticky issues that precipitated Eli’s outburst and even made oblique reference to Eli’s meeting with D’arcee’s family without making either event seem too sensational or traumatic. She ended on a note of expectation meant to buoy everyone’s mood.
Kate concentrated firmly on her methods. She had to work to avoid Simon’s searching blue eyes. He kept attempting to catch her eye, and she could see that he was confused by her aloof manner. She didn’t know how hard it would be. She had to remain cool, tried to send polite smiles but inside, she was crying, and could only manage fleeting eye contact.
At last, the discussion came around to the issue of family, and Kate invited comment. “Does anyone want to start the discussion in light of what I’ve said?”
Simon leaned in to speak, earnest, as though he’d been waiting for his opportunity to pick up where he left off a month ago. “I’ve maintained that every couple needs a supportive family network to help them through. It’s even more important during difficult times. And if there are children, believe me, you need family even more.”
“I absolutely agree,” said Kate. You have no idea, she thought sadly, wishing she'd had the nerve to call him as promised to fill him in on D'arcy's condition. Now she realized she was the only one who was in on the secret.
“But what if there’s a history of abuse? How can you support it then?” Sharon seemed poised to make an elaborate argument to defend her point, leaning forward, her face earnest.
“There are exceptions, of course.” Kate kept her voice soothing. “In the case of absent or estranged parents, the counseling profession always advocates substitutes. That’s how important a social support network is.” Kate stopped herself, not wanting to stray too far from the key point. “Anyway, we’re not talking about estrangement, only conflict that can be resolved. Is being resolved.”
Eli nodded, and cast earnest eyes at D'arcy, who met his gaze directly, and her gratitude and love was plain for everyone to see. Eli visibly sat up taller.
“We’ve— D'arcy and I have always planned to start a family in a few years. It was just a matter of getting a bit settled first.”
D'arcy was quiet for a too long moment, her eyes glazed in thought, then lifted her chin and said in a quavering but determined voice. “That’s how this all got started. We can never have a family if there is no security or stability. That’s what worried me. I was seeing success, but not responsibility.”
Kate’s sat forward, holding her breath in anticipation
, one hand pressed over her mouth, allowing her clients to practice their newly honed communication skills.
Eli bristled. “Do we have to rehash that subject again? I’ve been working for years, D'arcy, with no reward. Can’t you just give me a chance to enjoy my success? There’s plenty of time.”
In obvious frustration, Eli bared his teeth in anguish. He clenched his fists and pressed them to his knees, his chest rising and falling. In a softer voice, he pleaded. “I’m being recognized and appreciated for the first time in my life. Let me enjoy it. Give me time to get used to it.”
Kate braced herself. This felt wrong. Eli gave no hint that he knew about the pregnancy.
D'arcy looked desperately at him, “I always recognized your talent. I appreciated you. Wasn’t that good enough?” she trembled, her control faltering, and Kate expected the worst.
“No.” Eli says quietly. “No it isn’t enough. Can’t you see that it’s different?"
D'arcy was quiet. “I know. I understand. But it can't go on like this. We can’t afford to be selfish anymore. I need you now.”
“I just want this time. Can’t you give me that?”
D’arcy’s eyes filled with tears. She wailed, “No. I want to but I can’t. I’m scared… ” She shot to her feet suddenly, an uncontrollable sob escaping her lips, and rushed from the room. A moment later, they heard the sound of the bathroom door slamming, the only room in the place where she could sequester herself.
Eli tried to follow her wildly, and after a few halting steps, wheeled expectantly to face Kate, his dark, passionate eyes pleading with her to intervene. His anguished face seemed to express: After all I’ve been through, how can this be happening? Kate reflected that life often seemed unfair, and had a cruel sense of humour, especially with regard to the timing of important events. But she knew if they could get past this one last hurdle, Eli and D'arcy would be alright.
Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel Page 27