I turned just before her fingers went behind the fan, but I still heard the sounds she made…
Those moans that used to sound so sweet.
Roxie
God, I was nervous. But… excited. I think I had been in the small bathroom of my suite to check my face and hair about four times before I finally made myself sit. My thoughts weren’t in any secure place. In fact, I wasn’t going by them at all. My heart took charge tonight and I was going to let it run and have its way. It told me to say yes to Griffin earlier tonight, to accept who he was in spite of everything. His passion for me was evident. It was as strong as mine had always been for him.
He cared for me, he really did, and I knew that now. I had to give this a shot. I had to try or I’d never know what we could have… what we could be.
The knock on my door had life charged behind it and I jumped. Swallowing hard, I made it to the door, promising myself I’d give this a chance. Fight for it with all I had.
He was looking down when I opened the door, his hands in his pockets, and for some reason, he didn’t lift his head.
I stepped out. “Griffin?”
His head lifted, but only slightly. He nodded toward my room. “Can I come in?”
He sounded funny, and I didn’t like it. I opened the door quickly, fearing something was wrong. “Of course. Come in.”
He didn’t hesitate passing me. He gazed around the room. “Did you bring your computer?”
Frowning, I closed the door. “Yeah. Why? Did you need to use the Internet?”
He didn’t answer me. He was looking at my desk in my room, starting at my laptop there.
He went for it, and I stayed on his heels. “Griffin?”
Snapping the laptop open, he didn’t respond. My screen illuminated, and the password-protected screen came into view.
“Can you unlock this please?” He didn’t even turn when he spoke to me.
My heart drummed inside my chest as I went up to his side. He was acting so weird and frantic. His voice was no longer gentle and inviting like he wanted to be around me.
I played with my hands, knowing I had to find an excuse for why he couldn’t use my computer. I had some things saved on my home screen. Things I couldn’t risk him seeing. “I’d let you use it, Griffin, but my wireless is acting finicky up here. I’m sure there is a twenty-four business center downstairs that has working computers.”
His jaw clenched and he finally turned. Those cool blue eyes pierced in their stare and heated the room in their blaze. “Is your wireless really not working? Or are you afraid of what I might see on your computer? Afraid that if I look hard enough, I might find something.”
Oh God… the breath left my lips in soft wisps, my head spinning and the air suddenly thick. Thick with so much. Tension. Anxiety.
Fear.
Despite that, I tried to control it and get a hold of my breathing. “What…” I dampened my mouth. “What do you mean?”
Closing my computer, he placed it down on my desk. By the time he stood tall in front of me, I was shaking.
Shaking.
He didn’t blink, keeping his focus directly on me. “What do you have on there, Roxie? Pictures?” he paused. Taking a breath, his nostrils flared. “Pictures to go with… go with what you do?”
The words came out like he had a bad taste in his mouth, like it took increased effort to say them without making him ill, and I didn’t know how I remained standing, how I kept from falling. The guy I cared about so deeply, the one who had only stared at me warmly even when I was a nameless face in the laundry room, now looked at me like I was nauseating him. I swallowed the lump in my throat. It was the only way I could keep from crying.
“How did you find out?” My voice came out as a whisper.
He shook his head. Moving away, he turned his back to me. His large shoulders rose with the breath he took. When he turned around, he was breathy. Like he was doing all he could to keep himself calm. “I walked in to find D jacking off to you.”
If I didn’t feel sick before I did now. His friend knew about my videos and he was… and Griffin saw him. I put my head in my hands. “Did he know it was me?”
“He obviously knows he’s seen you from somewhere.”
He did mention at the Union he’d seen me before, but I let it go that day. I let it go. Oh, God I should have realized it was this. Oh, God…
“But he fortunately hasn’t put two and two together yet since you keep your face concealed. I realized it was you and told him to stop watching it. That I knew the girl in the video. I didn’t tell him who, but I don’t know if that will matter. It’s all out there. He could end up figuring it out on his own.”
My body twitched in deep shakes, my nerves rattled to my core. Placing my shaking hand to my mouth, I sat on the edge of the bed. I didn’t dare look up at Griffin. It hurt too much.
“What I don’t understand is—” He let out a large breath and I cringed. His voice was strained. So struggled. “What I don’t understand is how you can let random men look at you. How you can touch yourself for them.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, and I closed them tight, trying so hard not to cry. I had to at least wait until he left. I could breakdown then.
“You moan and groan, living out the fantasies for these… these guys all around the world. You do that so easily for them when all I wanted…”
His voice was so shaky. I lifted my head, finally looking at him. He still had his back to me, and my breath left when he turned around. His cheeks were red, his face flushed, and he had to swallow before he spoke. “All I wanted was to be near you. I never expected you to be anything else but who you were. I never pressured you, but you wouldn’t let me in, wouldn’t even let me have a piece of you, but for these guys… for these guys you did that and then some. You gave them your body, Roxie. Your body.”
“I was scared,” I said, blinking down the tears I could no longer contain. “I worried that once you found out—”
“That what?” He approached me, towering over me. “I’d see you differently? Be disgusted? Do you take money from these guys, Roxie? Do they pay you to do these things?”
I feared his response to what I had to say next. “I don’t do it for money. I never ask them for anything, but they can donate if they want.”
He pushed his hand into his hair, spinning on his heel away from me before charging right back. “You’re letting them pay you? They’re paying you like you’re some cheap…”
He didn’t finish what he was going to say, but I knew immediately what he was insinuating. That I was selling myself to these men. That they were purchasing me. The emotions I felt before twisted and turned into anger that hazed over any guilt I had when he came at me originally tonight. I couldn’t be more enraged or insulted and the hypocrisy in the room had me wanting to stand up to him. What I was doing was in the privacy of my own space. I wasn’t hurting anyone, and I definitely wasn’t sleeping with people who’d been paid to be with countless others. He wasn’t a stranger to the ‘perks’ of his life, and for every one he accepted he sold a little bit of his soul, so how dare he talk down to me about selling myself?
How dare he.
I stood, no longer shaking as the fear of rejection was replaced by fire in my veins. “How dare you, Griffin? How fucking dare you talk to me about selling myself.”
His eyes twitched wide and his own emotions transformed before me. Shock quickly replaced his anger, and the confusion in his eyes was evident. “Roxie…”
I stepped up to him, crossing my arms. “I know about it, Griffin. I know about everything. The trips to Cancun, excursions to Hawaii, and God only knows what other trips you’ve accepted as ‘gifts’ for doing something you’re good at. It was all the talk at the salon today. The basketball players and all the awesome free stuff they get for their talent.”
His eyes left me when he lowered his head. He didn’t say anything and I was so on fire I couldn’t help but continue.
“How about your car?” I said, placing my hands on my hips. “That ‘roomy’ Escalade your ex-girlfriend was going on about? Was that another gift? Another form of payment like your friend, Candie?”
His eyes flashed my way at her name.
“She let me know all about how she ‘serviced’ you when I ran into her at your party. How she was your payment for a job well done on the court.”
His face fell and he lifted his hands, approaching me. “Roxie—”
I backed up, moving away from him. “You know all of it’s true. So don’t you for one second talk to me about selling myself.” I paused, pointing at him. “Cheapening myself when that’s all you. At least I do what I do because it makes me feel good about myself. I don’t do it for those fools. Those assholes on the web. I do it for me and only me. We can’t all be Griffin Chandler, walking around while the rest of the world kisses our feet. We can’t all be gods among men and the goddesses who love them. The girls that hang all over them with their sparkling eyes and perfect asses. It may be stupid, and you may think I’m the most pathetic person on Earth, but my chats get me noticed. They make people see me. They come for me. They desire me. And…”
I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t because I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and stupid for admitting all this to him. I broke down in tears and the influx caused my throat to burn, my eyes to swell. I wanted to run away and hide in the depths so he couldn’t see me. I moved away, but Griffin grabbed my arms, and suddenly I was in his own.
“I noticed you,” he whispered, moving his arms tight around me. “I noticed you.”
He was being so gentle with me. Still so gentle after everything.
Chapter Thirteen
Griffin
She laid her head against my chest, her body quaking and trembling with vulnerability. Roxie had always been my super girl. So strong and undefeated by anything that challenged her. But I guess even she had her Kryptonite. Clare had been right. Roxie did have something deep going on, something she masked everyday behind her spirit and confidence. At her core sat the truth; a truth more severe than I anticipated. I didn’t know exactly how to deal with that, but I thought telling her the truth was a good start.
“You never had to be a fantasy for me, Roxie,” I told her, playing with her soft hair. She was always so soft. “You never had to be that way because I liked the real thing. That girl? Roxie Elbowa? The skater girl who throws merciless blows at other chicks. The one that also somehow finds the time to school threatening dudes on how to deal with the rashes on their dicks…”
A small laugh hit my heart from her lips and I smiled.
Pulling in close, I finished my thoughts near her ear. “She’s who I saw. She’s who I want. Always.”
She pushed her arms around my body and rubbed her cheek against my t-shirt, nuzzling and filling the cotton with her heat. “I haven’t had a chat since I met you. I tried… like after your party… I made another video when I went back to my apartment. When you saw me outside I was about to post it, but I couldn’t. The whole time I shot it I felt dirty. It didn’t feel so good anymore. It just didn’t feel like anything I feel when I’m with you.”
I should have been happy, relieved by what she said. That I’d been enough for her. That she no longer felt like she had to be the skewed concept of an ideal to feel secure. But what she said about the party killed any chance of a good feeling.
My life had many complications. There was shit I’d done in my past that no girl should have to put up with and deal with. Roxie was right. I had sold myself in many ways. Cheapened myself. Those choices were my reality. My unfortunate darkness.
Bracing her shoulders, I put space between us. I wanted to look at her.
She lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy, but she didn’t look sad. The state of her eyes was just the result of the tears she’d shed. I was relieved her sadness was waning. I didn’t like seeing her sweet face so upset.
I brushed away the remnants of tears underneath her green eyes. “I know there’s a lot in my life that isn’t ideal, Roxie. I have done all those things you said and I own up to them. I did accept gifts for playing ball. Women amongst them.”
She nodded but didn’t look away. She listened. She was listening.
I squeezed her arms. “They’re all things I no longer accept and haven’t for a while. And as captain this year, I’ve been advising my team to follow my example. I know that doesn’t excuse the fact I accepted them initially, though. I do know that.”
Bringing her to me, I bent to lean my forehead against hers. It was all I could do to work up the courage to ask of her what I planned to next. “I can’t imagine how hard it would be to look past these things about someone, Roxie. I can’t even fathom how hard. But damn, if you’ll give me a chance I promise I won’t disappoint you. If you just give me a chance to try.”
Roxie
There was a time not so long ago when I said I didn’t understand Griffin Chandler, and I had been right. I didn’t understand him. I assumed he was a person that couldn’t have been far from the truth of the man he was today. I’d judged him harshly and unfairly. Griffin had some very dark marks stained on his past; ones so embedded he’d most likely spend his lifetime trying to rid himself of them. Despite that, he wasn’t letting them beat him. He was rising above them. On top of that, he made no attempt to hide them. From the beginning he’d been honest with me about the things he wasn’t so proud of in his life. All I had to do was ask. This clenched my heart, surged it with pain. He was so much better than me. He always had been.
Placing my hands on his cheeks, I closed my eyes. “You’re too good,” I whispered. “I told you about the videos, why I do them, and you don’t even care. You didn’t judge me, and now you’re asking me to give you a chance. You’re just too good, Griffin.”
He pulled away, clear blue eyes scanning mine. When he lifted his finger, wiping underneath my eye, I knew I was crying again. He braced my cheek. “I can’t for a second judge you when I know what you’re getting when it comes to me.”
“That’s what makes you better,” I sniffed, my lip quivering. “Stronger. I did judge you. I ran. I’m so much weaker than you. How can you want me—”
“Stop it,” he said.
Tilting my chin with a single hand, he brushed his thumb under lip. He moved in, his forehead to mine, and his eyes closed. My mouth went dry as he caused our noses to brush, collide. He didn’t kiss me, but my lips felt the pressure, the heat, as his warm breath glided over my mouth.
“It’s not fair for either of us to compare ourselves to the other,” he said. “Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done if I were in your situation. How I would have reacted or if I ever would have given you a chance at all. I just know that I personally won’t run away from this, and I’m hoping you’ll—”
Popping up on my toes, I touched my lips to his. I grew tired of talking and thinking. I’d been doing too much of that lately. Way too much for my own good.
Putting his hand to my other cheek, he kept me to him. Griffin’s lips were so soft and one of the sweetest things I’d tasted in a long time… in more ways than one.
To my surprise, he didn’t let our kiss linger. Stepping back, he slid his hands down my arms, squeezing me firmly. I drew in a breath, loving the feeling.
“Can I stay… tonight?”
My eyes popped open after his words. His own looked for answers, and I could see the unease behind them. I’d turned him away before so I wasn’t surprised. Before I could answer him, he spoke again.
“I, um,” he paused, closing his lips briefly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
I frowned. He didn’t? Did he not want to sleep with me for some reason? I didn’t understand.
He pushed his hand behind his neck, rubbing. “I meant, could I just stay with you. Lay with you. Not even that if you don’t want to. I could take the couch. I just…” He brought me to him by my arms again. “I just want to stay with you tonight. It doesn’t ha
ve to be anything more than that.”
I placed my hands on his arms, under his biceps. They were so hard and lined with soft hairs. “You won’t try to take advantage of me?” I asked, my lips lifting.
His strong face flashed in worry, his long lashes flickering, and I knew he didn’t get that I was teasing him. He touched my cheek. “Of course not, Roxie—”
“Not even if I,” I paused, backing away from his hands. I moved to the bed, pushing under the covers, and his gaze followed me, watching as I took the blankets to my chin.
“Sleep like this?” I finished. With the talent that only females had a way of doing, I shrugged my t-shirt up, keeping myself covered with the blanket as I removed it from my body. I tossed it over my head to the floor and that was when Griffin made it to the other side of the bed. He sat down slowly, eyes on me intently, and I didn’t waste a moment of the attention.
I reached around my back and Griffin’s eyes twitched with the snap of my bra clasp. My straps went loose, but before I could slide them down and off, Griffin moved. I followed his hand as it went under the blanket I covered myself with.
I closed my eyes as he felt around, brushing over my arm, my chest, until he got to the arm furthest from him. His long fingers wrapped around the strap, and I helped him, allowing him to slide the dark material down my arm.
I maneuvered my arms under the blanket so he could take it off me, but when he had the bra in his hands, the object he ventured for didn’t hold his attention. He tossed it to the side and his focus was on me again. My thighs pressed together, my toes curling under his gaze.
He guided me back to the pillow with his hand, and all the while I kept the covers up to my chin, concealing my nakedness. I thought he’d join me under them when he pushed his side of the bedding down, and even more so when he lay his never ending frame along the length of mine, but he didn’t. He never brought the covers up to cover himself. He kept them pushed down, aside.
Found by You Page 9