“I should have known Andrew would never order chicken salad,” he muttered, knowing he was trapped.
I sipped the Coke that “Andrew” had ordered. “Gavin, I understand what you’re going through, but why are you avoiding me?”
“Because I know what you want, and I don’t want to tell you.” His blunt, brutal honesty almost knocked me off my seat.
“Why don’t you want to tell me now?” I struggled to keep my frustration at bay. “I loved her like a sister. You obviously wanted to tell me then.”
“Because I don’t want you to remember her that way,” he said sadly.
Anyone could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. I stared at him, dumbfounded. What could he mean by that?
“Gavin…” I gulped. I handed Calla a toy to ward off fussiness. “There is nothing you could tell me that would change how much I love Grace. I know … that she was sick.”
His eyes downcast, he picked up his sandwich but dropped it without taking a single bite. He opened his mouth, then shut it, then repeated the gesture twice. Finally, he took a deep breath and lifted his eyes to meet mine.
“She tried before,” he admitted, and my mind wrapped around her last journal entry.
“…I want it to work this time when I try to end it.”
“She swallowed over fifty pills right before she got pregnant. She was off her meds since we were trying. Her stomach was pumped, and she went inpatient for a week. We … we told you guys we were in Destin. Your brother knows, but we asked him not to tell you. She begged me not to tell anyone.”
Daniel knew?
Silent tears edged out of the corners of my eyes. “Go on,” I finally whispered.
“She was cutting herself, mostly on her stomach where no one could see. Some bipolar patients do that to cope with pain.”
My hand flew to my mouth, the memory of the deep slash on her arm surfacing.
“Once she got pregnant, things got better. But after Emma was born, she stopped sleeping, but it was strange because she was unusually happy. It was great at first. The house was always clean … but then she started getting so distracted. She—”
His tears started then, and I glared at the couple eating next to us who stared rudely. I’m sure they knew exactly who we were. The gossips of Fairhope spread the poison about the ex-cheerleader’s suicide and the hometown hero she left behind to care for their baby … and her best friend who found her dead, Senator Cook’s daughter-in-law who sued her former employer. There were few negative aspects about life in a small, trendy Southern town, but gossip at the speed of lightning ranked high on the short list.
“She left Emma in the backseat of her car when she went grocery shopping. It was only for a few minutes, but it was scorching outside. Emma … Emma could have died, Jana. Someone called 911…”
The tears that welled up started to spill over. “…and thank God you are a cop.”
He nodded, his face crumbled in despair. “A good friend of mine was called to the scene. He … he knew about her bipolar disorder. But I was frantic, Jana. I threatened to leave her if she didn’t get back on her medicine. I told her doctor, but Grace was over her head by then … she lied straight to his face and said she was taking her medicine.”
The pain she must have felt took residence in my own soul, remembering the desperate need she had to feel “normal” and her inability to feel that way, no matter how popular she was or how many awards she won. I had not understood the seriousness of her disease, the reality that suicide was a true possibility.
I closed my eyes. And now it was too late.
“I needed to know Emma would be safe. Grace was so obsessed with breastfeeding and being the perfect little mother, trying to fit in with all the divas in this damn town.”
Gavin and I crouched in the middle of Sandra’s Place and emptied the pain in our hearts. I understood why he wanted to keep her secrets, but they were safe with me.
So he threatened to leave her. “Surely she understood why you threatened her.” I hoped he would find comfort in my tone as I squeezed his arm.
He shook his head vehemently. “No, she didn’t. She was the most manic I’d ever seen her. She hadn’t slept in maybe four or five days when she … when she…” His sobs drowned out the rest of the words he could not bear to speak.
Guilt spread through my body like wildfire, wondering what I could have done. How had I missed the signs? Desperately, I combed through my memory, recalling how “together” she had seemed. Her back seat bakery, her weight loss, her plans for the future…
What could have triggered her?
I didn’t want to ask, but there was only one thing I knew of that could have teetered her over the edge. The nagging in the back of my mind refused to disappear, and I decided I had no choice.
“Gavin, I don’t want to talk about this, but...” If I didn’t go there, her words would haunt me forever. “I saw something in her journal that day. It sounded like she was worried you were cheating. I know you, Gavin, and how good of a man you are … but…”
His tears stopped abruptly, and the tension that surfaced was contagious. With eyes widened with betrayal, shock registered in every crevice of his handsome face. “Jana … do you trust me?”
“Yes, Gavin, I do.” And, honestly, I did.
Calla purred happily, tossing her glowing ball up and down in the air, oblivious to our emotionally charged interaction, while I stared at my best friend’s widower with questions in my eyes.
“There is no one else, Jana. Grace was wrong, and I live a nightmare because the woman I loved thought I betrayed her. I know it was her illness talking, but that knowledge doesn’t give me relief.” He took a breath so deep that I saw his abdomen deflate. “Sometimes, I don’t think there will ever be anyone but her.” Before I could reply, he patted his pockets, whipped his cell phone out, and stood abruptly. “I’m on duty, and I have to get back to work. I’m glad we talked, Jana.”
Tears fell in straight lines over his cheeks, though his expression was solemn. After lingering by my side for a moment, he left wordlessly. Onlookers gawked at him as he bravely crossed the restaurant, staring at the raven-haired prince whose beautiful princess didn’t awaken with true love’s kiss.
The eerie feeling that Gavin still kept a secret refused to evaporate, and I wondered what the hell he was leaving out.
FALL PROMISED TO pay Fairhope a visit, however brief its stay would be. Summer’s heat still made its imprint on our skin, coloring us golden as September came to a close. Though it would be weeks before amber-colored leaves blanketed the ground, the twilight sky reflected fall’s majesty with its earlier sunsets.
Sadie and I nestled ourselves on a park bench with a view of the pier at the most southern point of Fairhope. With Calla resting gently on my chest, I listened to the cheerful laughter of our town’s children as they kicked soccer balls, sprawled out on blankets with books and slushies, and cast their fishing poles into the cerulean water, squealing at the sight of a prized catch.
“I’m glad you called.” Picking up on Calla’s cue for a bottle, I rustled in my diaper bag.
“Me too. Now that my parents moved to Mississippi, my brother’s house is a much shorter drive for breaks during the school year.” As the day set on the brink of dusk, I noticed the pale sprinkle of freckles that danced across Sadie’s nose. She was adorably cute yet astonishingly beautiful at the same time.
Sadie bookmarked her place in her novel and set it on the ground, crossing her legs Indian-style. “Jana, how are you coping? Behind your smile, I know you’ve got to be hurting…”
The unceasing pain of losing my best friend rushed to my face. Grace’s face haunted my once-beautiful dreams. In my twisted nightmares, she cut herself as I watched helplessly, her blood spurting everywhere. Naked, she cried out for me, but my frozen body refused to budge. Basked in horror, I watched her bright red blood drain from her body, mixing with the steaming water, as her spirit dissolved in a cl
oud of poisonous regret. It was the same every time, the nightmares plaguing me at least twice a week. When she drew her last agonizing breath, I woke soaked with sweat, screaming for her. Then I stumbled to the bathroom and retched in the toilet until I was so empty I shook.
“I miss her so much, and there is nothing I would not do to erase the image of her lifeless body from my mind.”
Sadie scooted closer to us, a sad look clouding her expression. “I can’t imagine.”
Memories flooded my mind. “She wrote the most beautiful poetry.”
Sadie’s smile dripped with honey, making faces until Calla cooed. “I’d love to read it sometime. Grace and I would have had that in common … not poetry, but writing. I like to write songs.”
“Really?” Surprised, yet thankful to change the subject, I clapped excitedly. “How cool is that? I want to see your work!”
She blushed. “I don’t show many people.”
“Well, I can’t sing worth a flip, but I appreciate words.” I massaged Calla’s pudgy legs, loving the feel of my little one’s body against mine. “I tried to get Grace to turn her poetry into songs for Gavin to sing.”
“Uncle Jack always encouraged me to get my material out there,” Sadie admitted. “My fear of rejection limits me. I’ve got to get a thicker skin.” She paused. “Speaking of thick skin and Uncle Jack, how is the lawsuit going?”
“It feels like it’s creeping along at a snail’s pace, but a lot of progress has been made. Scheduling deadlines have been set, and he is dealing with pre-discovery disclosures. I hope I’ve got my legal jargon right. Jack shields me from things I don’t need to know.” I was relieved at his decision to censor the case, given the grief I dealt with.
“So, depositions have not yet begun?” Raised as a judge’s daughter and an attorney’s niece, Sadie was familiar with the processes.
“No.” I gulped at the thought of the only aspect I still dreaded. “We will subpoena Collin, Jeff, and Kevin Matthews, the human resources rep I spoke with.” I covered my face with my hands, letting Calla wiggle loosely on my lap. “Julianne’s too scared to speak up for me, and I don’t blame her. I’m terrified of sitting in the same room with the others.”
Sadie understood my fear. “You can do it. Look how far you’ve come.” She let out a cute little giggle. “Picture them as cartoon characters.”
“That won’t be hard.” I snorted, blowing up Collin’s unattractive features in my mind until he was barely recognizable.
“How much longer does Uncle Jack think you have? He told me your case was so strong that it would settle much quicker than most.”
I calculated the months in my mind, surprised how time had flown. “He said the whole process would take a year, so we’re more than halfway through if he’s right. Covington’s attorneys keep asking for extensions, but he expected that.” Pausing, I added, “I’ve made up my mind to take it one day at a time.”
“Our minds are powerful,” Sadie mused, smoothing her hands along her linen pants. Her apple-colored waves fluttered in the wind, each strand landing perfectly in place.
“I agree. Every time I get the sinking feeling that I will feel like a fool if I lose, or the nagging question of ‘Why’ resurfaces, I focus my thoughts on all that I have. Andrew. Calla. My family, my friends. The chance to make an impact for women. I’m going to train my mind until it’s filled with the love and laughter it once was.”
Resting in a comfortable silence, Sadie retreated back into her novel while I brainstormed ideas for the painting of Grace I had begun. Every color had to be perfect, every angle eye-catching. With every artistic session I could steal, the whisper permeated my heart, guiding me with every careful stroke. I could almost feel her there, smiling as I recreated her unstoppable energy through art.
Out of nowhere, Sadie shoved her novel down and sighed loudly. “Sometimes, these love stories make me want to barf. I wonder if I’ll ever find love.”
I couldn’t imagine that she wouldn’t, with her heart and unique beauty. “Have you ever been in love?” I remembered several guys she dated here and there, but no single name that lingered on her tongue for very long.
Her emerald eyes lifted to the moon, searching for a memory. “I think I was once. And you know the crazy thing?”
“What’s that?”
“I only knew him for a few hours.”
I raised my eyebrows. “And…” Calla whirled her head toward Sadie, as if to say, Tell me too!
“My flight to Texas to see my grandparents was delayed. He sat beside me. The instant he sat down, I glanced his way, and it felt like the world stopped. I almost couldn’t breathe; I was so floored by his good looks and just his … aura. He smiled at me, and when his eyes met mine, neither of us looked away for what seemed like a lifetime. I didn’t even know his name, but somehow knew I would never forget him.”
Intrigued, I hung on to her every word.
“He was completing his doctorate in Austin, so we had the whole love of teaching thing in common. He likes to travel, and loves music, too. He had the roundest dimples I’d ever seen, and the sharpest wit I’d ever heard. I laughed for the whole hour before they finally called us to board. And then …”
She giggled like a little girl. “He was assigned to the seat beside me on the plane! What are the odds? We chatted the whole way there, and I felt like he was as mesmerized with me as I was with him. I wanted to know everything about him. The chemistry between us was crazy powerful, and I had to force myself not to jump in his lap. I wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to…” her voice trailed off.
“What happened?”
“He asked for my phone number. And then…” A faraway look fell over her face, as if she had transported worlds away.
“ … I never heard from him. It wouldn’t have worked, anyway.” Resigned, she seemed almost embarrassed she’d told me. “Stupid, huh?”
“No, Sadie. Not at all.” I wondered why she’d never told me.
“I thought about him for years. I left my heart somewhere I’ve never even been.”
Calla beamed at Sadie, reaching her arms out for a hug. Perfect timing. Sadie met her gesture happily.
“Sadie, I’m not just saying this because you are my friend. You are absolutely beautiful, and have a sweet spirit that many envy. Your innocence makes you priceless. You will find the right guy for you.”
“I don’t think guys want innocent.” The disappointment in her voice was unmistakable. “I’ve tried so hard to be good, but none of them want ‘the road less traveled’ anymore. They all want easy.”
“No, they don’t.” We both jumped at the sound of Andrew’s voice, who presented both of us with smoothies. “No man wants to marry a whore. Innocence is beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”
The sweet blush crept across Sadie’s cheeks again, and I thanked Andrew with a grin. As usual, he smoothly saved the day. He lifted Calla from my arms, tossing her spontaneously in the air as she squealed excitedly. Our laughter filtered through the evening breeze, spreading the song of friendship in the air surrounding us.
I had barely lifted Calla from her crib the next morning when the doorbell rang sharply. Calla immediately switched from crying to cooing when we walked out of her princess chambers, and was even happier when she saw a striking Gavin, uniform-clad and boasting his God-given hotness, standing at our front door. He still had bags under his eyes, no doubt from lack of rest associated with single parenthood combined with grieving his late wife. In his hand was the note that had appeared under my storage unit door.
“Hey, friend,” I said softly as he took Calla from my arms and kissed her on the cheek. “Come on in. Coffee?”
“Absolutely, do you have any of that Pike Place brand from Starbucks?”
Flipping on my Keurig, I rummaged around in the cabinet until I found what he had requested. “Yes, coming right up. Please excuse my appearance.” Showering was still optional, and the Crimson Tide sweatshirt and old pair
of running shorts I was wearing screamed, “I’m not leaving the house today.”
“How are you?” Compassion filled my voice as I watched him stroke the tiny strands of wavy brown hair that sprouted from Calla’s head.
He waited a moment to answer, and the droning of the Keurig filled the quiet. “As good as can be expected. I wish I could tell you that every day without Grace gets easier, but it doesn’t. Emma keeps me busy, and my mom is basically living with me.” He stared at me … yet right through me. “Treasure every moment you have with Andrew, Jana. You never know when it might be your last.”
I choked back the lump in my throat. “I do. And I miss her, too, more than anyone will ever know.” His coffee was done. I mixed in one pack of sugar and two tablespoons of creamer—he and Grace liked theirs identically—and swiftly placed it in front of him. “How is Emma?”
“She’s good. Too young to know what’s going on, but I feel like it’s probably making more of an impact on her than I know right now.” His attempt at a smile did not reach his dark brown eyes. “I totally forgot about this note. Andrew gave it to me and asked me what to do about it. As your community cop, I would tell you to report it. But as your friend, I would tell you not to worry about it. I doubt your colleagues cause any more harm other than gossip, and we can’t do anything about that. It will blow over.”
After tucking the curtains back to let some light in, I poured myself a glass of sweet tea and joined Gavin and Calla. “That’s what I was thinking. It’s probably not even worth our time.”
“No,” he agreed. Calla jumped up and opened her mouth on his cheek, covering him with sloppy baby kisses.
He chuckled. “Emma does this.”
“I need to see her soon. It’s been too long.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Five days?”
“That’s too long to go without seeing my best friend’s daughter.” We smiled at each other sorrowfully. At least we were smiling about something now.
He juggled Calla on his knee and changed the subject after taking down over half of his cup of hot coffee in two swigs. “So, how’s the lawsuit going? What’s your attorney’s name, again?”
The Storm (Fairhope) Page 18