Worlds from the Word's End

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Worlds from the Word's End Page 7

by Joanna Walsh


  No one really thought that she was pregnant, though some offered the word. ‘You’re not fat,’ I told her. ‘In fact I’m probably fatter than you are, relatively.’ I didn’t mean it, but suddenly I was. I’d worn sweatpants, hadn’t noticed how I’d grown to fit them, tight. Had I really expanded? And how? Our relationship, though relatively speaking nothing special, was perhaps more binary than I’d thought, though I was only ever an ordinary companion, absorbing things from the fat woman, even turns of phrase, even facial expressions until, sometimes, when I peered into the mirror all I reflected was her. I absorbed so much that I wondered, sometimes, whether she could be in there too along with her Le Creuset, her Falke, her Vacherin, her Le Chameaus, her samphire, her Illy, her sourdough and her Bridgewater. Did we get too close? I can’t determine. Depends on who you think was denser, and gravitational collapse produces great density; perhaps it was I who drew her in, in the end.

  There is a finite amount of mass in the universe, or so it seems, but the space between objects may become infinite. The forces holding us together were no more than local, and I never was from round here. But these are not experiments we can do on earth. Those were different times, and autres temps, autres mœurs. Even proving her existence now is difficult, as most claim never to have seen her, though some remember seeing me, and knowing she could not be far off. But no one really knew what was going on with her, why she dressed her curves in black, for instance. They say it’s slimming… well, it’s no good looking for stable solutions. Right now she seems almost vanishingly small, as though seen through the wrong end of a telescope, or as if I were looking from the other end of time. It’s almost as though she’d evaporated. I wish I’d a picture to remember her by, one of her sitting in the midst of it all, at the point of her singularity which was not, after all, perhaps, so singular, but always looked so to me, coming, as I did, from an entirely different universe. Still, taking a photo’s never outside the realms of probability: move a little backwards, a little more… after all, you could photograph the Big Bang if you stood back far enough.

  ‌

  ‌Reading Habits

  H writes books for people who know more about maths than her, for the few people who know more about linguistics, and for general readers who may expect anything or nothing.

  S is clever and well-educated but a bad reader. SL is a good reader but badly educated. g is better educated but a bad reader, and not so clever either.

  None of them will read books by H.

  W used to read novels but now reads, almost exclusively, biographies and histories. W is married to M, who went through a period a few years ago, around when her children were born, when she read only fashion magazines. Although she is now an accomplished reader tackling Dostoyevsky, Lacan, Foucault, she feels she should not miss issues of the fashion magazines and must read these too.

  B’s husband, g, dictates what B reads. She likes to read what he buys and does not think of it as dictation, but she never buys a book for herself. Sometimes B chooses books from libraries but, as the books will not continue to live with her, she does not see this as rebellion. g sees himself as an independent reader: he buys all of the books on the literary prize lists.

  P, who is married to SL, reads detective stories, comic fantasy, and books about people who were young at the same time as he was young. The latter are biographies or autobiographies.

  When O offers P a book, he feels strangely insulted.

  F, who is married to S, reads the same kind of books as S, but not at her instigation.

  At the end of each book, because both are intelligent, each is mystified by his or her disappointment. Still they continue to read.

  L reads books for work. She is a writer. She enjoys reading them, but they are for work too. L is careful with her reading diet and feels bloated by books she does not like, or which do not contribute to her work. L reads books in one language. M reads books in two languages, N (L’s husband) in three. O can read books in four. All the rest read books in one.

  The children of H, W and M, L and N, F and S, read batches of similar books designed for children of their respective ages. Next year, they will move onto the next batch.

  The children of g and B are grown up. One of them is married to S. The children of P and SL are grown up. One of them is O.

  O reads the same book again and again, sitting in the small bedroom he still occupies in his parents’ house.

  L, M, N and O would all read books by H. M has read one of H’s books; N, two plus an unpublished manuscript which he is reviewing for a literary journal. The others have not actually read any books by H but mean to, except O, who would not. M once asked W to read a book by H but he refused and she felt a surprising sense of personal rejection.

  None of the other people mentioned would read books by H.

  ‌

  ‌Hauptbahnhof

  Two-way propositions: in the first example, the prepositional phrase describes a destination. In the second, it describes a location. German indicates this distinction through the use of cases (wohin/where to? wo/where at?).

  I know what you are thinking.

  But it is possible to sleep on the station.

  If you don’t look like you are homeless, if you change your clothes with reasonable regularity, above all if you look like you are waiting for someone.

  I have perfected the waiting look.

  After all, even if I am no longer sure whether I am waiting, or whether I only wish to appear to be waiting, it is my responsibility not to cause a ‘situation’, an incident. It is my responsibility to protect the people who pass through the station from the sight of a woman alone who is not waiting for anyone. Although, of course, I am.

  And there is no better place to wait than the Hauptbahnhof. It is large enough for me to change platforms regularly. It is clean. There are vastly fewer pigeons than in any other grand central station in Europe.

  The Hauptbahnhof smells of coffee, of floor polish, of cigarettes, of the substances we use to correct, to mark time, to keep ourselves together. Of course smoking is banned but this is difficult to police. Before they board their train, people will always want a last cigarette.

  I pride myself on travelling light. Waiting, it is necessary to look as if you are expecting an arrival, or as if you are about to depart: conversely you must change platforms with reasonable regularity if you are to avoid the attention of the authorities. For both of these purposes, a small, light suitcase is ideal.

  The Hauptbahnhof is open 24/7. Coincidences arrive at any time of day or night. I have become used to the sound of trains. There are two noises: the solid hum of the wheels on the track, and the lighter rattle of the upper parts of the rolling stock. Sometimes it seems laughable that they coincide.

  Naturally I was disappointed you did not meet me. When I arrived I searched for you on the platform, thinking you had missed me in the crowd, had got the wrong Level. After a while I realised this was unlikely: the Signs mean that it is impossible to miss a train. If you know how to read the Signs, that is.

  That night, I had trouble with the Signs. When I didn’t see you I decided you must be waiting at your apartment. Perhaps there had been a confusion, or an engagement you had failed to mention. You had not sent your address but, knowing the name of your U-Bahn stop, I went to the stationer’s on Level 0. At the stand with tourist books I dismissed the maps showing Berlin page by page. I needed to know where you were and where I was at the same time. I needed to see the whole city.

  I slipped a map from its plastic compartment at the back of a city guide. Berlin was bigger than I expected. The map unfolded and unfolded until, under its own weight, it collapsed against itself, a long tear snaking across its centre.

  The sound was deafening.

  I had intended to steal the map having, surely, more need of it than anyone else. But the noise embarrassed me so much that I quickly refolded and stuffed it back into its plastic envelope.

  I walked fro
m the station a short distance across Europaplatz to steps leading down into the mouth of what looked like the underground. At the end of a white tunnel, I came upon two platforms, both empty, their Signs describing stops I did not recognise from the U-Bahn map. I took an up escalator, hoping for further platforms, but found myself back under the crystal dome of the station.

  It was only later that I discovered the U-Bahn is not yet connected to the Hauptbahnhof.

  Of course I did not then speak German.

  But I have improved (you would be proud).

  The Level 1 branch of Relay contains magazines from fifteen different countries. There are also phrase books, dictionaries and newspapers. It is possible, with time on your hands, to learn a language.

  That first night I called you a couple of times but you didn’t answer. It’s possible I got your number wrong. I emailed you regarding this but you did not reply. I thought perhaps you were playing games, that you would relent or that, when we met, you would provide some good reason. Maybe it was a joke. I thought your phone was out of charge, that you had no connection. I thought you had lost it, that it had been stolen. I thought you were busy, were unavoidably detained, would answer later. I thought you had been arrested or were in hospital. I thought you were dead. There were so many possible explanations: I saw no reason not to hope.

  In the meantime my diet is not what I might have wished but it is not expensive. As portions are large, it is possible to buy food only once each 24 hours and there is variety. I have become familiar with international cuisine and each day I choose my destination. Dunkin’ Donuts has the cheapest coffee, Starbucks the most expensive. They are virtually next door to each other, separated only by the hairdresser. This is not the sort of hairdresser I would normally visit – the type of place with posters of women whose hair is bleached and artificially stiff – but it is necessary to keep up appearances as we may meet at any time. With care, a blow-dry lasts all week, after which there is dry shampoo.

  You might think have I regretted my light packing and tired of my single lipstick but the station’s selection of cosmetic outlets and chemists means I can try a new shade every day. Sometimes a demonstrator makes me over to look like someone new. For the same reason, my skin has never looked better. I hear that changing your regime regularly renders products more effective (I have become up-to-date with the latest skincare developments). Sometime deodorising can be a problem but, if you don’t mind using the spray kind with CFCs, you can generally get a squirt while the assistant is looking the other way.

  Do I miss home? How would I? On the highest Level there is a shop with things for houses. Lifelike plastic dummies sit in deckchairs in the window. Everything is new, perfect. Things are bought and taken away and replaced by new new things. Nothing in the Hauptbahnhof ever wears out.

  You would have thought the shop girls might recognise me after all this time, but they never do, only at the hairdressers where my details are on file so I get my regular stylist.

  So many people pass through here…

  The one difficulty is recharging my phone. I’m telling you this so you know why I cannot always be in touch. Not wanting to draw attention to my waiting, I am reluctant to ask in shops or at the ticket office, and am only occasionally able to clandestinely use the socket in Relay which, I presume, is for powering the vacuum cleaner.

  How do I continue to support myself? Yes I know what you are thinking – but no need for that. I am not penniless. I do not have to pay for accommodation. My funds are not infinite. However I am economical, and I do not expect to wait forever.

  I resent that I have to pay for water.

  Using the dictionaries, the newspapers, the phrase books, I have arrived in my studies at German prepositions of time and place: nach (to/after/towards/by and still), and jetzt (up to/now/not yet and only just).

  It is only sometimes that I think you are, perhaps, not still living in Berlin.

  I heard you were in Edinburgh, a city where the station sits in a cleft between two green banks, its rails going merely forwards and back. From the street you look down on lines which braid but do not cross. There are no right angles – no Levels – only one long track into Scotland and another into England.

  If you are in Edinburgh, you will have to return. I know you may take a plane but I understand a line will soon connect Hauptbahnhof to the airport. I can wait. Yes, there are buses, but that’s not your style. If you have become famous in Scotland, there is always the possibility you may take a taxi, but I think it unlikely.

  I prefer Departures to Arrivals, by which time everything has already happened. Even as dawn approaches in long lozenges of broken light, Arrivals do not notice the beautiful station. They look down, headed for something known, for home, for bed. Of course some are met, but fewer than you would think, and they don’t stick around. Heroics are reserved for Departures: brave looks, last embraces, minutes slowed by kisses.

  Surely everyone who lives in Berlin must pass through the Hauptbahnhof. It is only a matter of time.

  Soon they will build the U-Bahn link. In the meantime I will wait at Arrivals. If I read the Signs correctly, as I now can, I will not miss a single one.

  It is good to know exactly where you are.

  ‌

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