Part of me aches to touch her now that she’s so close. But the other part, the logical part, wants to coat myself in Teflon, because I know that her being here, no matter what her reasons, is going to seriously fuck with my world. My heart has been in this insane limbo for so long. I’ve been unable to shake her, and at the same time, I’m not sure that I even wanted to.
“Wait, Quinn, don’t leave.” I reach out and run my hand over hers-the simple touch sends a shock through my body, something powerful that I have missed so much. “Just come and sit down.”
She follows me to the sofa, but even after I sit, she stands beside it.
“I just–”
“Sit,” I say. She finally gives in and collapses into the deep micro-fiber cushion. “Are you doing okay?” I ask. How could you do that to yourself? Do you have any idea how scared I was that you were gone for good? My head is screaming all the things that I want to ask, but I don’t.
“Look, I know Sydney told you how I overdid it a little, but I’m fine. That’s not why I’m here.”
“Okay,” I say. “Why are you here, then?”
“I owe you an apology.” She intertwines her fingers and her eyes dart around the room.
I take a deep breath. “Quinn, you don’t have to do this, you don’t owe me anything.”
“No, really. I mean, I’m so, sorry.” Her voice cracks with emotion.
Her eyes start to glass over and I realize that I’ve never actually seen her cry. Seeing the tears form in the corners of her eyes tugs at my heart. I’m back to the summer night out on her deck, when I decided that all I wanted in the world was to take care of her, and to protect her from being hurt. But I failed-because no matter what I did, I couldn’t protect her from herself.
“I screwed up, really bad. I mean with Mark-” I cringe when I hear his name on her lips. I hope she doesn’t notice. “And at Grant’s party, and God, with everything. I ruined everything. I know that I hurt you, and I know that me sitting here doesn’t erase all of that, but I just can’t stand the way things are between us anymore.”
That’s all that I have been trying to make her see for months. I fumble over the words in my head, unable to come up with something adequate. Finally, I reach across the couch and pull a blanket off of the back. As I drape it over her shoulders, I see the goose bumps covering her tan skin.
“It’s okay,” I say. I can’t express what her words mean to me. “We all do stupid things that we regret, Quinn. I’m not angry with you, I mean-I’ve given up on hoping that we’ll get back together-”
Really?” she asks. I nod, apprehensively. “Because I haven’t,” she says.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Quinn
Ben’s brows pinch together, and his posture goes rigid.
He clears his throat. “So, what are you saying?”
I pull the blanket that he had just given me tightly around my shoulders and glance around nervously. There are three stockings hung on the fireplace, each one sweetly monogrammed with a name that shimmers in the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. Garland with big red bows lead up the stairs, and the air smells strongly of cinnamon, most likely from the basket of pinecones sitting in the corner of the room. The inside of Ben’s house looks like a Christmas card. I don’t belong here with my constant mayhem.
“Never mind, it was stupid for me to come.”
He flicks his gaze upward and shakes his head. “No, you aren’t going to do this again. For once, stop trying to be so damn tough. You don’t have to control every situation, Quinn.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders and shakes me gently. “Let your guard down and tell me what is going on. You push people away before they can have the chance to leave. But what else do I have to do to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere? I’m right here.”
A chill shoots down the length of my body, just like it had the other night while out on the deck with Carter. This is what it was supposed to be all about, opening up and being real. Shit, this is hard. For once, I force myself to look up from my hands.
“I miss you,” I say meekly. “I miss you more than I thought it could even be possible. I have tried to force myself to stay away from you, and to push you away because I know that I’m no good for you. And for a while, it was easier to do than to let you in. You made me too vulnerable. You made me feel. And God, I feel…I miss you,” I gush, unable to hold back any longer. His expression is unchanged.
“I don’t expect things to just go back to how they were in the beginning. I don’t expect you to forget about everything, I know that there is no forgetting. But I’m hoping that maybe we can move on. Somehow. I just want you in my life, Ben.”
Just kiss me, I silently plead.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he hoists himself off of the sofa and disappears down the dark hallway. I know that I deserve it. I deserve to be sitting here alone, wondering what the hell he’s thinking.
“I have something for you,” he says. “It’s not wrapped, because, well, I didn’t know if you’d ever be back.”
Ben leaning over the back of the sofa; his warm breath ruffles my now frizzy hair. My green dress is still wet and stuck to my skin, and my fingers are little shriveled prunes. I know that I must look like a total wreck, and I don’t care.
“What’s this?” I ask. He hands me a thick, black fabric covered photo album.
“Open it,” he says, nudging my hands. I am overwhelmed by the warm, fluttery, feeling that spreads throughout my entire body.
I carefully crack open the book, and gasp at the sight of the first page.
The first photograph in the book is of downtown Atlanta at sunset. The hotels and skyscrapers are illuminated, and the streets glow with the headlights of cars. The sky is cloaked in a rainbow colored haze. Starting with what is left of the deep blue clouds, then fading into rich purple, pink and then the hazy orange and yellow blaze of the fading sun.
“Did you take this?” I ask, tracing the edges of the page.
“Yeah, I took all of them.”
I flip to the next page. There is another photo of a sunset. This one is nothing but fluorescent orange sky against black, shadowed trees. Underneath the glossy photo is Ben’s hard, slanted handwriting.
If I never saw a sunset through your eyes,
I’d never know loss, or wounded pride.
If I never felt love like you made me feel,
I’d never believe that my heart was real.
I feel the tears prick up in my eyes again. Seriously, all I effing do is cry nowadays.
I flip to the next page, and then the next. The entire book is full of sunsets, each one more beautiful than the next. There has to be over one-hundred of them.
“Why?” I ask. He sits beside me and his strong arms envelope me. I close my eyes, as his familiar touch overwhelms me.
“I remember what you said about sunsets being sad. I couldn’t understand what you meant at first, but after you went away, I got it. Being without you made me see things how you must have-the loneliness that the end of the day could bring. I started taking a picture of the sunset everyday. I couldn’t be sure, but I hoped that someday you and I would be okay. I hoped that maybe these photos might help change the way that you saw them too. That someday, sunsets wouldn’t be so sad for you.”
My throat is burning with all of the things that I want to say but can’t put into words. How this is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever done for me. How he was the most special person that I had ever– will ever meet in my life.
“But mostly, I wanted you to know that you weren’t alone for all of those sunsets. I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t leave you, Quinn. I’ve been right here, waiting.”
With that, the tears breach the levy, and spill over onto my face. I try to keep my breath steady as he brushes the salty water off of my cheeks.
“You were always good enough for me, Quinn. You were always enough. Just you.”
“I don’t deserve all of this-af
ter what I put you through…”
“Stop. If being without you for the last few months means that what we have may be stronger, and better, then it was all worth it.”
Ben’s lips softly brush along my jaw, across my damp cheeks and then over my lips, barely grazing them and leaving a tingly trail across my face.
He continues the path for what seems like an eternity. I had dreamt of feeling his warm lips on mine for months.
Just kiss me.
“You’re driving me crazy,” I sigh, breathlessly.
His cheeks turn up in a slight smile. My breath quickens as he continues the invisible trail, extending it along my neck and collar bone.
I glance up at the chiming clock on the fireplace mantel. “Merry Christmas,” I say.
Ben reaches around my waist and pulls me in as close as he can.
“Merry Christmas, baby,” he says.
“So, wait, why aren’t you in Kentucky, right now?” I ask, pulling back to look at him.
“Couldn’t find my damn car keys,” he laughs.
“Are you joking?”
He shakes his head.
“Well crap, Ben. I’ll help you find them! I bet we can get you on a flight first thing in the morning. It’s Christmas, you belong with your family!” I really want to mean it, but the selfish part of me doesn’t ever want to move from this couch– from his arms, ever again.
He shakes his head. “No baby, its Christmas and you are here. This is exactly where I belong.”
I move my lips to his ear and kiss it gently. I’m overwhelmed by how much I missed the feeling of his warm skin and find myself shaking with nerves.
“Don’t go,” he says. His eyes are closed, and as I let my lips linger, he breathes a deep, content sigh, and I seize the opportunity.
“I love you, too,” I whisper lightly in his ear. His dark eyes burst open. Filled with surprise, and beauty.
Ben pulls back from me abruptly, his strong hand tenderly clutching the back of my neck. I can see the devotion in his eyes. It is absolute, unwavering, and just as it has always been.
And then he kisses me.
About the Author
Stephanie Campbell is a Southern California native who now calls Southwest Louisiana home. She’s the mother to three, wife for the last twelve years and self professed young adult junkie. When she isn’t reading, writing or wiping someone’s nose, you can usually find her baking something.
She blogs at: http://stephcampbell.blogspot.com/. Drop by and say hello!
Acknowledgments
This novel would still be taking up space on my hard drive if it weren’t for the constant support from my husband, Chris. This novel never would have made it to even a first draft if I didn’t have such amazing children who believe in me probably more than I believe in myself, and always gave me the time to write. And edit. And edit some more. Hailey, Liam, Finn and Chris, I love you more than I could ever possibly put into words.
Thank you to my earliest readers who suffered through typo-ridden drafts that didn’t make any sense, Natasha Angelino and Shellie Fernandez, and still encouraged me to keep going!
To my awesome crit group who told me to follow my heart, Julie Lindsey, Gabriela Lessa, Alaina Byers, Christie Koester and Meredith Jaeger. So blessed to have these ladies in my life, thank you all.
To my rockstar, writerly friend Jennifer Nelson, I wouldn’t have any sanity left if it weren’t for you talking me down, making me laugh and giving me some of the best gripe fests ever! I adore you! Watch out for her, she’s going to be a big deal, people!
And,
Thank you, the reader for taking the time to read my work. My goal was to reach someone with this story, thanks for letting me in for a while, I hope that you enjoyed it.
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