Ring.
“Hello?”
“Whoa. It rang for literally half a second. What are you doing?”
“Shelly, where are you?”
“I’m at my place. Brody’s working late tonight. Are you okay?”
“No. I mean yes, but no.”
I could hear shuffling on the other end of the phone. “I’ll be there in five.”
In five minutes, Shelly walked through my open door. “You’re pacing. That’s never good. What the hell is going on?”
“Chase’s dad… he’s sick… they called, and he left to go to the hospital. But we kissed… and then he just left… and I… I don’t know what to do now.”
Shelly grabbed my shoulders and stopped me from pacing to look me in the eye. “You kissed Chase?”
I nodded. “We were supposed to get sushi. But I got kissed instead.”
She fought back a smile as she released me. “What happened?”
“We were in the middle of kissing, and I heard his phone. It kept vibrating. I just knew something was wrong. Tanner called to let him know they were on the way to the hospital. I offered to go with him, but he said no. He said he would call. Why didn’t he want me with him? He always wants me with him. Was it because we kissed? Was it because things are awkward now? Was the kiss not good to him? Should I call him? Should I go there?”
“Merr, stop. Stop pacing. Look at me.”
I stopped and looked up at her. Tears began welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. What if I made a mistake? What if the kiss ruined everything? I need to be there for him right now and he doesn’t even want me there.”
Shelly wiped the tears that began falling down my cheeks. “You didn’t make a mistake. He kissed you because he has been wanting to kiss you for the past three months. Life just got in the way at the worst moment. Timing always sucks with these things. Why don’t I drive you over there? We can sit together and wait.”
“Can we? You wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course not. Brody can meet us there after he gets off work. Chase needs friends right now. Do you know what’s wrong with his dad?”
I nodded and looked down at the floor. “He has cancer. He’s dying. That’s why Chase had to come back from California.”
Shelly covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, no. Merritt…”
“Yeah. Let me go freshen up and we’ll leave.”
I blew my nose and wiped my eyes. I pulled a hoodie on over my head and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Hospitals brought back a lot of bad memories. I had to push past them, and do this for Chase. I took a deep breath and walked back into the living room.
“Let’s go.”
Chapter Thirteen: The Job
“Stay with me. Keep your eyes open. I need you to keep your eyes open!”
The voice sounded far away. I could feel that I was moving forward, but I did not know how. It felt like I was floating.
“No, Merritt. Don’t close your eyes! I need you to keep them open. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Stay with me here.”
I tried to listen to the voice and keep my eyes open, but the pain in my head was too severe. It felt better when I closed my eyes. Everything felt better when I closed my eyes and drifted off. The voice drifted off then, too. I began to float away.
I was suddenly startled by bright lights and loud noises. I was no longer floating, but speeding towards two big double doors. There were people all around me, pulling and prodding at me. I tried to speak, but began choking. Blood was spurting out of my mouth instead of words. I was terrified and confused. People were shouting over the sound of a rapid beeping in the background. A sharp pain went through my arm, and I tried to cry out for help.
“Merritt!”
I jolted upright at the sound of my name.
“Merr, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”
“Brody?”
“Yes, it’s Brody. Are you okay?”
I looked around at the empty waiting room. Brody sat next to me, with the same worried expression on his face that Shelly wore every time she woke me up from a nightmare.
“Where’s Shelly?”
He pointed to the front desk. “She’s trying to find out more information.”
I pulled my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket. No missed calls. No texts.
“Anything?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“This is ridiculous,” Shelly exclaimed. “We’ve been here for over an hour, and nobody can tell us anything. It’s like déjà vu. Give me his number – I’m going to call him.”
Brody took her hand and pulled her into the chair next to him. “Chase said he would call her. Give him some time. We don’t know what is going on, if anything. He’ll reach out when he’s ready to.”
“But he doesn’t even know that we’re here! He could have left, for all we know.”
“He would have come through this door. His car is still parked outside. Just give it some more time.” He kissed her forehead.
I was grateful that Brody came. Shelly was wound too tightly for me to handle right now. He would be able to reason with her, if anyone could.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded.
“Your nightmare again?”
“No. A different one actually.”
She raised her eyebrows. “A different nightmare? About what?”
“I don’t even know if it was a nightmare. I think… I think it was a memory.”
“From the night of your accident?”
“I heard someone telling me to keep my eyes open. But I couldn’t. I kept drifting off. Then it got loud, and there were a lot of people. I was in pain. I could hear beeping in the background.”
“It sounds like the Emergency Room,” Brody offered.
“Merr, who was telling you to keep your eyes open? Who did it sound like?”
“I couldn’t make out the voice. It sounded garbled, and far away. Whenever I would try to speak, I would choke. I couldn’t get the words out.”
Brody shook his head. “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, you coming here. I know this place brings back a lot of bad feelings for you.”
“But she needs her memories to come back from her accident. Maybe this is exactly the place you need to be,” Shelly countered.
I rested my head in my hand as I leaned on the armrest of the uncomfortable chair. “I just wish I knew if he was okay right now.”
“I’m sure he’s hanging in there. He’s with his family.” Brody reached out and touched my arm. “We could be here all night. I can stay with you, if you want to stay, or I can take you back home. It’s your call.”
“You guys don’t have to stay. I’m not leaving until I see him.”
Brody smiled. “I knew you were going to say that. I’ll go see if they have any pillows or blankets.”
Shelly scooted next to me while I checked my phone for the hundredth time. “He will call.”
“I hate this place.”
“I know. You’ve seen more of this place than anybody should in a lifetime.”
Brody returned with two pillows and a blanket. He held them out in front of us.
“I’ll just take a pillow. You guys can share the blanket.” I tucked the pillow in between my head and the armrest. I stared at my phone, watching the minutes tick by. 11:06… 11:07… 11:08… My eyelids felt heavy. I let them close for just a moment.
“Merritt, wake up.”
I picked my head up when I heard a gentle voice in my ear.
“Mrs. Brooks?” I blinked a few times to clear my eyes.
“It’s Beverly, honey. What are you doing here? It’s after midnight.”
I sat up. “How is Tim? Is Chase okay?”
“Tim is stable for now. His body is weak, but he’s fighting hard. Chase is upstairs. I can take you to him.”
“He said he would call. I shouldn’t go up yet.”
“Don’t be silly. He would love to see you. So would Khloe, and Tim
when he wakes up. We’d all love to have you with us.”
I looked over to Shelly and Brody. “Thanks for waiting here with me.”
“We will take her home,” Beverly said. “Thank you so much for coming.”
Shelly stood and hugged her. “Let us know if you need anything.”
“You’re too kind.”
I followed Beverly through the daunting familiar doors, and felt a tightening in my chest. I kept my eyes straight ahead, so as not to see anything or anyone around me.
She turned into room 303. I hesitated in the doorway. My palms were sweating, and I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Seeing Chase upset, seeing Tim lying there in bed, I was not prepared for any of it. I breathed in deep through my nose to calm my nerves, and shoved my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt. They couldn’t see me shaking. I had to hold it together for them. I needed to be strong for them.
I heard whispering, and then Chase appeared from behind the curtain that surrounded the bed. With sleep-deprived eyes and flattened hair, he looked exhausted. Still, he mustered a smile as he approached me at the doorframe.
“Are you expecting an earthquake, or are you going to come through the doorway?”
I would have laughed if it wasn’t for the nervous knot in my stomach. “I… I don’t know what to do.”
“Come in. Khloe will be excited to see you.”
I took another deep breath. I saw Khloe when I stepped into the room. She was sitting on Tanner’s lap, who was in a chair next to the window. Her eyes lit up as she hopped off of Tanner, and ran to me with open arms. I scooped her up and squeezed her tightly.
“I can’t breathe,” she whispered.
I pressed my forehead against hers. “How are you doing, my pretty girl?”
“I’m okay. Daddy is not feeling well. He’s tired, so he’s taking a nap right now. You can see him when he wakes up.”
Chase placed a chair behind me. I sat with Khloe in my lap. She leaned her head on my shoulder as she yawned a tiny human yawn. I looked around the room at everyone’s faces. They were all wearing the same tired expression.
“Do you guys need me to get you anything? They have pillows and blankets. I can get you a cup of coffee, or tea?”
“Why don’t you and I take a walk? We can get snacks for everyone,” Chase offered.
“I would love a cup of hot tea, actually.” Beverly held out her arms. “You can give her to me.”
I stood with Khloe in my arms, and placed her in Beverly’s lap. I looked to Tanner, who was mindlessly scrolling through his phone. “Do you want anything in particular?”
He shook his head without saying a word.
Back in the hallway, I kept my focus ahead, like a horse wearing blinders. We walked side-by-side in silence, turning corners and continuing down the next hallway. The pounding inside my head was so loud that I worried Chase could actually hear it.
“How long have you been here for?” he asked quietly.
“Since nine-thirty, I think. I know you didn’t want me here. I was just worried. If you want me to leave, I can have Shelly take me home. I just–”
He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Why would you think I don’t want you here?”
“You said you didn’t want me to come with you when Tanner called.”
“I only said that because I didn’t think you wanted to come to the hospital. I know you’ve seen enough of this place with your accident. I thought it would be hard for you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as I stared up into his beautiful tired eyes. “How is your dad?”
“The doctor said that his body is slowing down. He’s been fighting this for so long. I don’t know how much he’s got left in him.”
I looked down at my feet as we started walking again. There were no words to say that could make this better. To make matters worse, things between us felt awkward – forced. I was unsure of how he felt after our kiss. It wasn’t the right time to bring it up, I knew, but my nerves would not simmer down until we talked about it. I wasn’t even sure what it all meant. Were we physically attracted to each other, or was it more than that? Would he want to be together, or keep it platonic? I tried to stay in the moment, and be present for Chase and his family.
In the café, he picked out a few items for Khloe and Tanner while I filled cups with coffee and tea. We were silent again on our walk back to the room. When we arrived, he stopped just outside the door. “I don’t want to stay in this room anymore. Let’s drop this stuff off and go sit in that area by the big window.”
“Sure.” I walked inside the room and handed Beverly her tea. Khloe was asleep in her arms. I set a cup of coffee on the windowsill next to Tanner. I didn’t bother to say anything, knowing he wouldn’t respond anyway.
“We’re going to be down the hall,” Chase whispered to his mother. “Call me if you need me.”
She nodded her head and reached out for my hand. “Thank you for being here,” she whispered.
I held on to her hand tightly before letting go and following Chase out the door.
We sat beside each other, staring out the big windows in the waiting area. The sky was pitch black in the dead of night, the moon covered by clouds. Chase watched the traffic below coming and going, while I watched his reflection in the window pane.
“What floor were you on when you were here?” His question finally broke the silence.
“Which time?”
“What do you mean? When else were you here?”
“My dad… he had lost so much blood when I came home and found him. I called 911 immediately and they rushed him to the hospital here. I didn’t expect them to, honestly. By the time they arrived, I had already accepted the fact that he was gone. In the ambulance they tried to keep him alive, but I knew he wouldn’t make it. Part of me didn’t want him to make it. It was obviously what he wanted, to die. I told him I loved him, and that I understood. I told him it was okay to leave me. By the time we got to the Emergency Room, he was gone.”
Chase’s eyes were filled with tears. I knew he was imagining how he would handle it when his father’s time came. “How did you do it? You were all alone. How did you handle that by yourself?”
“Obviously I didn’t handle it too well. I ended up in the hospital myself just a few days later.”
“You did the best you could. You’re still doing it now. You wake up every single day, tired from the demons you faced the night before, and you keep fighting. You lost your family. I don’t know how you survived.”
“I don’t know either. Getting through tough times is something that nobody ever teaches you how to do. You either pick yourself up, or you don’t.” I covered his hand with mine. “You will. You have your family – you will get through it together. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you will.”
“You’d think I would be ready for this. He’s been sick for so long, we’ve been preparing for this moment. I just keep feeling like I need more time.”
“Just because you know the outcome, doesn’t make you ready for it. Nothing can prepare you to lose your father.”
He quickly swiped a tear away with his thumb. “I didn’t know you found your dad… like that.”
I nodded and stared out the window at the sliver of the moon that was peeking out from behind the dark clouds. “I had called him on my way home from school that day. I was going to ask if he wanted anything particular for dinner that night. He didn’t eat much towards the end, so I figured if I could make him something he loved, it would perk him up a little. Sounds so stupid now.”
“It’s not stupid. You were trying.”
“He didn’t pick up, which was normal. I didn’t see him on the couch when I walked in, so I checked his bedroom. He slept a lot. I walked right past the bathroom. When he wasn’t in his bed, I realized the bathroom door was half-opened. He hadn’t showered in days, so I was actually excited that he might be in there cleaning up. He was lying in the tub.” I shook my head. “There was just so m
uch blood.”
“Merritt, I am so unbelievably sorry that you had to see that.”
“I didn’t cry. I think I was too stunned by it. I knew he couldn’t go on like that forever. I often wondered how it would end.”
“You didn’t cry at the funeral, either.”
I turned my head to look at him. “How did you know that?”
“I was there. My parents were, too.”
“Oh, God. I didn’t know that. You guys didn’t need to be there.”
“My parents were going. I had just gotten back from California when I heard the news. I felt terrible for you. I knew you my whole life. To watch someone going through something like that… it feels awful.”
“So I guess you saw everything that happened that night.” I looked down at my lap. It was embarrassing to think about how drunk everyone had seen me, let alone knowing that Chase had witnessed it, too.
He nodded. “I did. I wanted to stop you from leaving. I often think about what would have happened if I could have stopped you. Maybe you wouldn’t have been in that accident.”
“I don’t think anyone could have stopped me. I was so angry, and drunk. It was my own fault.”
“I don’t know why we have to go through these things.”
“Nobody knows. But you have me – I will help you through it. I didn’t think I was up for the job when you first told me about your dad being sick. But over time, I understood why you wanted to be friends.”
“What do you mean?” His eyebrows were furrowed. “What job?”
“I couldn’t figure out why you were suddenly talking to me, and offering to drive me to therapy.” I laughed. “I mean, come on. We never spoke all those years in school.”
His eyes tightened. “You think I’ve been talking to you all this time just because my dad is dying? You think of this – of me – as a job?”
“No. That part came out wrong. I just figured you wanted help from someone who went through something similar. Why else would you be talking to me?”
“Gee, Merritt. I don’t know. It can’t possibly be because I have feelings for you. Because you can’t accept something like that in your life, right? No, it must be because I’m using you as my therapist. That makes total sense.” He stood. “Why do you think I kissed you tonight? Did you take that as that some form of payment for your services?”
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