by Cheri Allan
Instead of the back door, as she’d expected, he pulled her up around the house to the front. She’d never been in from this side, and the street façade surprised her. A simple covered porch wrapped around from the front corner to the side with doors to both the living room and kitchen. It was mostly empty now, but Kate couldn’t help but picture a bench or pair of rockers and some potted mums to dress it up. It definitely had potential. Lord, she had to stop looking at this place as if—
“Why are we going—”
“Surprise!”
The door swung open. Stunned, Kate looked over her shoulder first, then back at the small grinning group before her.
“We would have invited more people,” Rachel was saying, “but we didn’t know how you felt about surprise parties, so it’s just us.”
“But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time!” Grace said.
“Happy birthday.” Kate looked up at Jim as he stood over her, his shoulder just brushing hers. He looked nervous and sweet and she longed to grab his cheeks and give him a birthday kiss they’d both remember.
“Can we eat soon?” Carter’s voice piped up from the rear. “I’m starved.”
“What is for dinner?” Jim asked as he pushed Kate through the door into the kitchen. Unlike the last time she was in this room, now cluttered with friendly faces, it felt warm and festive. A handful of decorations hung from the cabinets and doorways. Kate’s chest filled with emotion.
“Did we surprise you?” Rachel wanted to know. “Doug was keeping an eye out for you, but he wouldn’t let us go near the windows, because he thought we’d give ourselves away.”
“You surprised me,” Kate assured them. She caught some silent exchange between Jim and Doug then turned toward the stove. “What smells so delicious?”
“Fettuccine alfredo with garlic bread and tossed salad!” Grace announced. “And it’s ready. So, let’s eat!”
They crowded around Jim’s kitchen table, the quarters tight, but no one seemed concerned that elbows were bumped or napkins mixed up as they eagerly consumed the simple meal. Laughter soon flowed as easily as wine, and Kate found herself caught up in the relaxed camaraderie of Jim’s family.
If only it could last.
“Hey.” Jim bumped her with his elbow, and Kate watched him swallow his bite of bread. “What’s with the long face? We’re doing something wrong if you’re not enjoying your party.”
“Actually, I was thinking I was sorry it couldn’t last.”
“You think this is all we’ve got? I know it doesn’t look like much, but you get presents, too.”
“Presents?”
“Well, present, actually. But it is wrapped. I think.” Jim looked around, nudged his sister on his other side. “Where’s the gift?”
“I thought we’d do cake first,” she whispered.
“No,” he said. “Let’s do the gift.”
Kate pretended not to hear the exchange and made a point of drinking her iced tea as Rachel excused herself from the table and went to the other room. She soon returned with a medium-sized box wrapped in what looked suspiciously like a brown grocery bag turned inside out.
“Why didn’t you put it in wrapping paper?” Jim murmured to his sister.
“I couldn’t find any,” she mumbled back. “I know it doesn’t look like much, but it’s made by a local artisan.” She smiled mysteriously at Kate. “We hope you like it.”
Kate took the box, excitedly tore off the paper and pried open the cardboard box within. Pushing aside the crumbled newspaper, she pulled out her gift. It sat warm and heavy in her palm, the smooth wood silken against her skin. She looked up. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t you like it?” Jim asked.
“It’s... exquisite.” And it was. The carver had caught the delicate detailing of the bird entirely through his own skill. Unpainted, carved from a single wood burl, the patterning and irregularities of the wood caused the finished piece to seem more natural—more alive—than anything she’d ever seen. She didn’t have to ask. She knew—intimately—the hands of the artisan who’d made it.
“This is one of yours.” She met Jim’s eyes, searching for some meaning behind the gift. He only nodded. “It’s beautiful. Truly. But it’s too generous.” She made as if to hand it back, although if he’d gone to take it, he would have found her grip tight on the smooth wood.
“I want you to have it.”
She smiled and hugged it to her chest feeling her eyes moisten with emotion. “Thank you.”
“Time for cake!” Grace announced, scraping back her chair.
“We’ll clear the dishes.” Rachel and Doug began to gather plates noisily. Carter wandered over to help with the cake.
Kate clutched the bird as she and Jim stood in the corner of the room. His eyes were beautiful, unreadable, upon her. “Are you really sure?” she asked. “I love it, but I don’t want you to regret giving it away.”
“It suits you.” He gave a small, uncertain smile that made him look so vulnerable, she held her breath. “I guess you make me think of that burl. Difficult to figure out, but worthwhile once you do.”
She could feel tears burning the backs of her eyes, but didn’t want to make more of it than it was.
“I hope that doesn’t change,” she whispered back, conscious of every nerve cell straining to read him—his posture, his eyes, his expression.
He shrugged his shoulders and his lips tilted in a half smile. “Why should it?”
Kate pretended to study the carving as she blinked away tears.
“It’s a mourning dove,” Rachel chimed in as she walked by with the salad bowl. “They mate for life. I think his choice was very romantic.”
“I don’t know that that’s true—” Jim began.
“I’m sure you never meant—” Kate murmured.
“Happy Birthday to...” Grace and Carter began to sing as they started forward with the cake, Rachel and Doug joining in. Jim was silent, watching her.
“Blow out your candles!” Grace urged.
“Make a wish!” Rachel added.
Kate held the dove tight to her chest and glanced at Jim. He was smiling, his cheeks still lightly pink, his eyes bright, and in that moment—she knew. She knew with a certainty and clarity that might have taken her breath away if she hadn’t already had it held tight in her chest.
She didn’t just lust Jim.
She was head over heels in love with him.
Kate let her breath go in one long sweeping exhale—and blew out every candle.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
____________________
“THANK YOU. THE PARTY WAS a wonderful surprise.” Kate cradled her gift in her hands as she walked back to the cottage, Jim strolling at her side.
“It was mostly the girls’ idea, but you’re welcome.”
She walked slowly, savoring. Soon Susan would pull in the driveway with Liam loaded up with sugar and excitement. Soon Kate would have to tell Jim why her life was so complicated, why she was the last woman on Earth he should get involved with—casually or otherwise.
But now...
Now she had the quiet sounds of evening floating over the water, the faint light of the fading day like a lover’s breath in the sky, and a feeling in her breast she had never known existed.
Until Jim.
She paused, looked at the sky and wondered why she couldn’t have met Jim first. Things would have been so different. So much better. Easier. She wouldn’t have a box of dead husband sitting on her dresser, for one thing.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
She glanced up to see a half-smile hovering about his lips. “I don’t think they’re worth that much.”
“I wish you wouldn’t do that.” The smile was gone now. “I wish you wouldn’t shut me out like that.”
“Do I?”
“Yes, you do. You make a joke, change the subject—or feed me some line about your life being too complicated. I’m a big boy, Kate. I
want you to be straight with me.”
She nodded and looked out over the dark water. “I want that, too.”
“Then why shut me out? I’m trained to handle burning buildings and explosive accident scenes. I think I can handle whatever you were thinking.”
She took a breath and clutched the dove tight in her palms. “I don’t want to scare you away.”
“Do you see me going anywhere?”
“Not yet.”
“Then tell me.”
She licked her lips, as if that might let the words slide over them more easily. She didn’t want to mess this up, but the more she tried not to, the worse it felt.
“I was thinking... I wish I’d met you first,” she finally said.
He was silent, and she blinked away the tears swarming the backs of her eyes. She turned toward the water, not daring to look at the pity she’d surely see on his face.
She was a fool! A fool to let herself fall in love. Nothing could come of it. It was too late. She’d had her chance with Randy. Now she had to forget the fairy tale fantasies and live in the real world.
“Why?” Jim’s question cut through her thoughts, his voice soft.
Why? She couldn’t stop it now as a tear slid in a silent stream down her cheek. “Because he deserved better than I could give him.”
“Are you kidding? Why would you say that?”
“Because I should have loved him. Really loved him. But I didn’t. Not the way I should have. If I had... maybe—oh God!—maybe he’d still be alive.”
“Kate. Oh, sweetheart...” He turned her then, pressing her face into the soft material of his shirt, and a few silent tears soaked into the fabric as he wrapped her in a hug so kind it made her want to weep even harder.
“I thought I did. At first,” she mumbled into his shirt. “I was so flattered. He was very charming.”
She pulled back then and swiped impatiently at her tears. “I was young and infatuated. People tried to warn me. He’s wild, they said. Not dependable.” She swallowed a sob. “I thought I knew better. We were a good match, I told myself. I was dependable. I was responsible. Opposites attract, right?”
She dared a peek at Jim through her lashes. He stared at her, his expression unreadable. She plowed on. “He got a job at a luxury car dealership, and like a fool, I dropped out of college to move in with him. He had big plans, and I was his right-hand gal.”
She shook her head at the memory. “Stupid. I had one semester left to earn my bachelors. One semester, and I threw it away, thinking I was smart enough to change his bad habits...
“But he changed me.” She stepped away and stared out over the lake. “And I let him. I let him take over until there was almost nothing of me left.”
“You left him.” Jim didn’t touch her, but Kate closed her eyes and leaned into the sound of his voice. “You left him. The real you was always inside.”
She whirled then. “But I let him consume a decade of my life! A decade of my life I’ll never get back.”
“You make it sound like it was wasted.”
“It was wasted!”
“You wouldn’t be who you are without him. Liam wouldn’t be.”
“I thought I could change him.”
“I’ve made that mistake myself,” Jim murmured.
A wry smile played about his lips, and Kate longed to touch them, as if some of that sweetness could flow into the empty places inside and make her whole again.
“Well I should know better. I’ve watched Oprah.”
He smiled at her weak joke then pulled her into his arms. She didn’t resist but stayed there, still, breathing in his quiet reassurance as his lips brushed her hair.
“So,” he asked, a smile in his voice, “is that the deep dark secret you’ve been trying to warn me about all this time? You didn’t love your imperfect ex-husband perfectly? ‘Cause I’m thinking I can handle it.”
Kate swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut. There would never be a better time.
“No.” She bit her lip. “There’s something else. Something I should have told you sooner, but I—I didn’t know how.”
He brushed the hair away from her cheek. “I’m sure it’s not all that—”
“I’m pregnant,” she whispered.
“Pregnant?” His hand dropped.
“It’s Randy’s.”
His eyes skittered to her waist.
“I know this is a surprise.”
“You could say that.” He passed a hand over his face then pinned her with his eyes. “Pregnant?”
“I should have said something.”
“You think?”
“I didn’t want to ruin what we had.”
“By being honest? Where would you get the idea that would ruin it?”
“Please, don’t be angry. I know it was selfish, but I can’t undo it. I— I didn’t intend to…” She raised a hand in a helpless gesture. “I never planned for this… for us. But you were so… And you made me feel— Oh God! I knew I was on borrowed time. I knew it couldn’t last. But every time I told myself I’d come clean with you, I’d only end up falling deeper…
“I know. That’s not an excuse. I have no excuse. But please, know that I never, ever meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry.” Her voice caught, and she moved to step past him, but he grabbed her arm.
“Wait. You can’t drop a bomb like that and then walk away.”
“I know it’s a lot to take in—”
“Yeah, it’s a lot to take in,” he said harshly, but then he ran a hand through his hair and looked out over the water, blowing out a long, ragged breath. He took several more deep lungfuls of air as he stared into the distance, the silence drawing out between them. Finally, he looked at her.
His brow furrowed. “What do you mean, ‘falling deeper’?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“It doesn’t matter now…”
“Tell me. I think you’ve kept enough from me.”
She squirmed under his gaze, wishing she weren’t the cause of the confusion and hurt and anger she saw there. It couldn’t hurt any worse than this, could it? When she told him everything, when he walked away because she came with more responsibilities and baggage than any man would sign up for—friend or not—the humiliation of having bared her soul, too, couldn’t hurt more than knowing she’d lied to this man from the beginning, right?
“Please know that I— I don’t expect anything from you. Especially now.” She blew out a breath. “But what I said the other night... it wasn’t a lie. And I know you have no reason to believe me, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, but…” She swallowed and met his gaze. “I’m… I’ve fallen in love with you.”
He went still. “You’re in love with me?”
“I know it sounds crazy. I mean, we’ve only known each other a short time…”
She let her words trail off and sucked in a shaky breath.
He stared at her.
She watched his chest rise and fall.
The blood pounded in her ears.
“Kate. I’m…” He cleared his throat. “I’m flattered.”
“Flattered,” she repeated dully.
“It’s…” His eyes were so unspeakably kind she wanted to die. Flattered?? Oh God! “You know I have feelings for you…” She nodded, reflexively, and forced a smile to her lips despite the fact that her heart was squeezing so tightly in her chest she wondered if it would ever beat again. “But I’ve said those words too easily in the past. I don’t even know what they mean anymore. I don’t trust myself to know what they mean. And now…”
“It’s okay,” she lied, and her lungs, like her heart, clenched tight in her chest. She knew the feeling, knew she was this close to completely and utterly losing it.
“Kate. A woman like you... after all you’ve been through... You deserve more than empty words.”
“It’s okay. Really. I understand.”
She tried to step away as tears swarmed her eyes and
threatened to prove her a liar, but he gripped her cheeks in his palms and tilted her head gently to kiss her brow and a few traitorous tears spilled over onto his fingers.
“I do care about you,” he whispered.
She nodded once, not trusting her voice. It was better this way. Better that he didn’t love her, too. Then only one of them would leave heartbroken.
He sighed against her forehead. “You tried to tell me. Earlier. You tried to warn me you were pregnant.”
“Yes.”
He pulled back, and his mouth hitched up on one side, not quite a smile. “I wasn’t listening very well.”
Her heart beat heavy in her chest. “No.”
He nodded and sighed again, his palm stroking down her arm to squeeze her hand. “A lot of things make sense now. You were right; it’s complicated. But it’s okay. It’s okay. We can get through this.”
“We?” She stepped back. “No. Jim, that’s not why I told you. This is my problem. Not yours. I’ll take care of it. I’ll take care of... them.” She looked at her belly, placed her hand over it, as if it were already visible. The baby was still too small to see, but such a large force already.
He stared at her incredulously. “How? You’re virtually unemployed. Virtually unemployable—”
“Just because I don’t have a degree doesn’t mean—”
“I meant because you’re pregnant, but there is that. I know you’ve been doing odd jobs here and there, but have you even thought about how you’ll get by long term?”
“Thought about it?” It was her turn to be incredulous. “I’ve spent my entire summer thinking about it!”
“Of course you have. Of course.” He stepped away, pacing. “Do you have much set aside? Life insurance? Savings?”
“Some, but—”
“You look about as far along as Rachel, maybe you could share babysitting once the babies are born. That’ll help.”
“I… I suppose...”
“You’ll need a place to live. Any chance your folks are in a position to help out?”
“I don’t think—”
“I’ll bet Grams can let you stay a bit longer here at the cottage. Your Nana would probably let you stay with her until you got on your feet, too, if needed.”
“Could you stop—?”