Late Tuesday morning Layla showed up at the bank, practically spitting fire.
As soon as Ainsley shut her office door, Layla was in her face. “What did you do to Bennett?”
“Me? Nothing.” Panic surfaced. “Why? What happened to him? Is he all right?”
“No, he’s not all right. He resigned from the Rawhide Club.”
Her stomach lurched. “He did? When?”
“Last night.” Layla poked her in the chest. “We’re friends, A, but if you did something to hurt him, I swear I’ll—”
“Hold up. Why do you assume it was something I did?”
“Because he told me it was.”
“Sit and start from the beginning.”
Layla flopped into the chair. “I just happened to be at the club last night.”
“The club was open last night?”
“No. The guys have a meeting every couple months to deal with schedules, new members, any problems. Ben showed up, which he almost never does. But he looked awful. He had bags under his eyes. I think he came in wearing cow-poop-covered clothes. That isn’t the Bennett I know. He gave no input during the meeting. As soon as it ended, he stood and announced he was canceling his membership. He’d appreciated their friendship and support over the years, but sometimes a man had to make a choice and he’d made his.”
Ainsley couldn’t believe her ears. “What did the other guys—his friends—say?”
“What could they say? They were stunned. So I followed Bennett out to his truck and asked him why he was leaving the club. He said being with you changed his life.”
Anger rose. Bennett could tell Layla that, but not her?
You have no right to the anger. You gave him no choice but to keep his feelings from you when you told him it was over.
Layla tapped on the desk to get her attention. “Tell me what happened between you two.”
Despite her distraction, Ainsley gave Layla the rundown. She tried for detachment in the telling, but by the time she finished, the pressure and misery from the past couple of days nearly had her in tears.
“So everything with him was all just an experiment to you and you can just walk away like nothing happened?”
“No!” She jabbed her finger at Layla. “You’re the one who said I should give the club a try. I did. You’re the one who said I should embrace my sexuality. I did. It was supposed to be one weekend out of my life and nothing more.”
“But it wasn’t enough, was it?” Layla said softly. “I had nothing to do with you agreeing to be Bennett’s sub, outside the club for a month. So don’t pretend you were coerced.”
“I know that, Layla. I’m not denying it. I’ve learned…I’ve accepted that I prefer to be submissive when it comes to sex.”
“But?”
“But after seeing how I jeopardized my job with one misstep, regarding Ben, I knew it had to end. All of it.” Even when I didn’t want it to.
“Why? What you do in a private club isn’t anyone’s business but yours.”
“Wrong. What would happen if my coworkers or bosses found out I’m a sexual submissive? That I do whatever Bennett demands of me, without question? That I’m involved with a man who’s a sexual dominant at a sex club? And please don’t tell me it doesn’t matter because it does. Maybe not in all lines of work, but definitely in this one and definitely in this part of the country. And Bennett keeps the Dom side of himself hidden from his family and friends too, so it’s not just me who knows the risks of our preferences becoming common knowledge.”
Ainsley sank back in her chair.
“I get that, A, but don’t you see how much Bennett cares about you? He’s removing the big obstacle that prevents you two from being together.”
“I don’t want that burden from him.”
“Too bad, you’ve got it,” Layla snapped, “and now you have to deal with it. So tell me how you plan to?”
Stung, she retorted, “How long do you think before Bennett gets bored with me and misses the sexual variety that defined his time as a Dom at the Rawhide?”
“Bennett has always been very committed to the club. Making it a place where everyone who’s a member is comfortable because he struggled for years with accepting who he was as a Dom. So for him to walk away for good? I know he’s even more committed to making this work with you.”
That brought tears to her eyes again. “Damn him. I didn’t want this.”
“Didn’t want what?”
Didn’t want to fall for him.
“Ainsley, do you love him?”
Yes. “What if my feelings are from the sex that rocks my world? What if I’ve latched onto the convenience of being with Ben because he lives here? What if I’ve confused submission with love?”
“What if it is love and you’re making all these lame excuses because you don’t believe you can fall in love in a month?” Layla countered.
“That’s not it.”
“Then are you worried Bennett will expect you to become a lifestyle sub like me if you’re outside the club?”
She remembered exchanging harsh words about that very thing the last night they’d seen each other. “No. I know that’s not what he wants. But hearing that he’s leaving the club—”makes me hopeful that maybe we have a chance, “—makes me wonder if he feels pressured to do it.”
“Bennett is a force all his own. He doesn’t do a damn thing he doesn’t want to. He is willingly walking away from the club because he wants you, A, for the long haul. He found something more meaningful than he was getting with random hookups at the club. He found it with you.” She shook her finger at Ainsley. “But don’t for a second think he’ll become some pussified girly man because he’s no longer wielding a whip at the Rawhide. Bennett is a Dom through and through. That part of him won’t change. Ever. He’ll still want a sexual Dom/sub relationship with you, and not temporarily this time.”
“I don’t want that part of him to change.”
“Good.” A long sigh echoed. “I know you, Ainsley. Don’t talk yourself out of what could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you because you’re scared.”
“I am scared. Aren’t you the one who warned me not to fall for Bennett because he wasn’t a long-term guy? You told me I’d be an idiot for taking up with the first Dom I met.”
Layla leveled her with an uncompromising stare. “I was wrong. I can admit it. Can you?” She stood. “Don’t be an idiot. Accept him as he is. Accept yourself for what you are to him. Accept what you two can have together.”
Ainsley watched Layla flounce out of her office. Her friend’s words swirling around in her head.
Accept him as he is.
Accept yourself for what you are to him.
Bennett made no apologies about who he was. He’d given her all of himself while helping her get in tune with a side of herself she hadn’t acknowledged. He’d respected her boundaries, even while pushing them at every opportunity.
And now she wanted to bring those boundaries back in because she was scared? She wanted to use what he was—unapologetically sexually dominant—against him because she was freaked out about what she’d discovered about herself?
Why couldn’t she just accept that she admired the sexual woman she’d become because of Bennett? She liked that he challenged her. She liked handing control to him, knowing he’d never abuse it. She liked how he looked at her, not only the admiring gazes he gave her body, but when he locked his eyes to hers and seemed to see into her soul. He saw the real her. He acknowledged the woman she was—in and out of the bedroom—not just as who she was as his submissive.
Ainsley let her head fall back and stared at the ceiling.
So what to do now?
Call Ben and share the news she hadn’t gotten canned?
Confess she’d fallen in love with him? Not only as Bennett the Dom, but as Ben the man? That she wanted them both?
Or would he believe her confession was only a knee-jerk reaction to her relief at not losing her
job?
Or would he think she’d only come to him because he’d quit the Rawhide Club?
Don’t think about it now. Get back to work.
But the rest of the afternoon was a total wash.
So many thoughts bounced in her brain, she pled a headache to her staff and shut off the lights in her office. Her mind kept drifting to sex, specifically the night she’d shown up at Ben’s house to seduce him with plain old vanilla sex. Intending to prove they didn’t need foreplay in the form of ropes, cuffs, vibrators or restraints. They could get naked, roll around between the sheets, until hungry kisses and fevered touches weren’t enough. Then Ben could pin her body beneath his and gaze into her eyes as he slowly slipped inside her. Loving her as fiercely and hotly as he always did.
It could’ve happened that way.
But it hadn’t.
He’d gotten off. She’d gotten off. It wasn’t bad sex; it just wasn’t great sex.
Afterward, she laid beside him, feeling like she used to before, during, and after sex—awkward. Anxious. Self-conscious.
Then his hot body had spooned behind hers, because he’d sensed her retreat and he hadn’t allowed it. “So while that was fun, what the hell has gotten into you, Ainsley?”
“I came here to prove I can seduce you. We can have sex anytime we want without all the kinky accoutrements.”
“And?”
“And I realized I couldn’t have seduced you if you hadn’t let me.”
He’d laughed. “You accept that I’m a Dom, but you’re still fighting the idea you’re submissive.”
A statement. “Maybe. When I’m with you, when we’re in the moment, I don’t think about anything but how you make me feel or how much my surrender pleases you. But when I’m by myself, or at work, those feelings of…wrongness pop up. Like there’s something wrong with me for loving when you dominate me. There’s something wrong with me for liking that you use cuffs, ropes and handcuffs on me. There’s something wrong with me for wanting to get my butt paddled or to feel the flogger on my skin or the riding crop connecting with my flesh. I wonder why I can’t be satisfied with—”
“Vanilla sex?” he supplied.
“Yes. Then when we have vanilla sex…it’s not as satisfying and I wonder why I want to give up fantastic sex because what we do behind closed bedroom doors isn’t the norm.”
“It’s a vicious circle, angel.”
Then he’d just held her. Stroked her. Let her wrestle with her thoughts, until she’d asked, “Does the level of kink increase the longer a Dom/sub are together?”
“I wouldn’t know.” He’d placed a soft kiss behind her ear. “You’re the first woman who’s tempted me to find out.”
That’s when she’d squirmed away and reminded him she’d only signed on for a month.
That’s when he’d grabbed her, pinned her, tied her up and fucked her twice, reminding her that the month wasn’t up yet.
It hit her then. Ben had been telling her before the loan fiasco, before her disastrous plan to force him into just accepting her friendship, before walking away from the club…that he’d wanted more with her.
And she wanted more with him. She wanted it all.
After all he’d shown her, after all he’d been to her, and now proving—in his typical Dom way—what he wanted to be to her, did she really think she could let him go?
No.
Hell no.
She gathered her things and left the bank early.
Ben’s truck wasn’t in his driveway.
And where were his pesky dogs?
Maybe his truck was in the shop and he’d let the dogs in his haven since it was so cold outside. She shivered as snowflakes whirled around her head and she sought shelter in his woodshop.
Although he’d gotten pissy the one time she’d violated his woodworking sanctuary, she hoped he’d forgive her today.
But what if her making the first move wasn’t enough?
Shoving aside her doubts, Ainsley marched through the door. “Ben? Are you in here? We need to talk.”
No answer.
She flipped on the lights. No sign of him. She knew he hadn’t been in recently because the woodstove was cold. So Ainsley snooped. Animal skins of different colors and textures hung on the wall. Three barrels filled with a smelly solution lined the back wall and she vaguely remembered him talking about the process of tanning hides.
In the main room, various pieces of finished furniture were lined up, ready for assembly. She ran her hands into the grooves his hands had created. The man was amazingly talented. No wonder she’d believed his loan request; he could easily turn his hobby into a fulltime business, despite his claims of just being a simple rancher.
Several hand-carved pieces were spread on the long workbench that looked like toppers for bedposts and chairs. A few wooden sculptures were in different phases of completion. She recognized a small bird, a thick stem of a flower. Another funky cat. She let her fingers trace the jagged edges, not bothering to hold back her tears when she saw three shelves full of finished pieces. All these beautiful works of art were just lying around, gathering dust, not out in view where they could be admired. Cherished. He’d hidden this part of himself from his family too. Was there anyone who knew all sides of Bennett McKay?
You do.
That’s when every doubt vanished. When Ainsley understood she’d do whatever it took to have Ben in her life. To make him understand that she appreciated and celebrated everything about him. Everything he was.
When she exited the building she noticed another car had parked in the drive. Pulling her coat more securely against the Wyoming wind, she hustled toward the house. She looked up when the front door slammed.
Rielle stared back at her. “Ainsley.”
“Rielle.”
“Ben’s not around.”
“So I gathered.” She glanced at the keys dangling from Rielle’s hand. “What are you doing here?”
“Bein’ neighborly.” Rielle smirked. “Oh, it gets your panties in a twist that I have a key to his house and you don’t, doesn’t it?”
Ainsley bit back a retort.
“I see the venom in your eyes. So why don’t you ask me if there’s anything going on between me and Ben.”
“Fine. What the hell is going on between you and Ben?”
“Not a damn thing.” Rielle paused. “Because the man is in love with you.”
Ainsley couldn’t breathe.
“I see you’re surprised to hear that.”
She nodded.
“You’re both idiots,” Rielle muttered. “That makes me marginally less pissed off at you.”
“Why would you be pissed off at me? Because you’ve had your eye on him?”
Rielle rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding me? Ben is a great guy but I’ve never had any interest in him.”
“Still not understanding why you would be mad at me.”
“Because I knew you two were sneaking around. I recognized something was going on between you two the first day at the bank. I watched you two having lunch at Fields. Ben couldn’t take his eyes off you. When he held your hand? And you shook him off when I approached? I figured you didn’t want the Sundance townsfolk to know the new bank president was getting down and dirty with a local rancher. So yeah, I blamed you.”
“Our reasons for keeping our relationship quiet are private. And since you don’t know me, maybe I understand why you’d jump to the worst conclusion first. But you are wrong.”
“Ben is a very private guy. He rarely has female overnight guests. So the fact you were here all the damn time?” Rielle shook her head, sending her baby-fine blonde hair flying against the bitterly cold wind. “I knew it wasn’t casual. And I like Ben. He’s a good guy. I don’t want to see him get hurt. He deserves a woman who isn’t embarrassed to be seen with him.”
“Well, I am that woman.” Ainsley didn’t need to prove it to Rielle; she needed to prove it to Ben.
They measured one another.
“So where is he?”
Rielle’s eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you know where he is?”
“Because Ben and I had a…fight and I haven’t talked to him since last week.”
“You’re here to kiss and make up?”
Snoopy thing, aren’t you Mrs. Kravitz?
Rielle laughed. “Mrs. Kravitz? Did you really just compare me to the nosy, annoying neighbor from Bewitched?”
Ainsley notched her chin higher, because she hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “Yes.”
“Seeing how protective you are of Ben might make me change my mind about you.”
Oh, goodie. That’s what she needed. Rielle’s approval.
“The McKays are taking cattle to market. He’s supposed to be home Friday night.”
So much for getting this all straightened out today.
“Did your fight with Ben have anything to do with the land issues coming to a head?”
“Land issues?” Ainsley repeated.
“Him and his cousins made a fair play for my land by offering to catch up my payments at Settler’s First. I appreciated Ben’s offer. But Gavin’s was better.”
Ainsley squinted at her. “Wait a second. I’m confused.”
Rielle explained and Ainsley felt guiltier and guiltier. Ben been dealing with such a shit storm in his life the last night they’d seen each other and she hadn’t noticed. She’d just added to it.
“But it was the best way for me to save face, keep out of bankruptcy and not be beholden to a McKay.”
Her gaze snapped up. Had she said that to Ben? Impugned his family name? “You are talking about Ben’s brother Gavin, right?”
“Yes. But he isn’t anything like the rest of them.”
“Didn’t your decision cause problems between you and Ben?”
She tossed her head. “Yes, Ben is pissy with me. Which is why I came over and checked on his place. It’s a neighborly thing. You wouldn’t understand.”
Ainsley wasn’t about to back down. “I understand perfectly. You’re expecting the betrayal of your friendship with him will just go away if you show up with a pan of homemade muffins? Wrong.” She held her hand out. “Give me the damn key.”
“But—”
Cowboy Casanova: Rough Riders, Book 12 Page 32