“Is it because when it’s in black-and-white it makes everything more real?” Liz asked.
“I don’t want to read it if that’s what you mean. Admitting these things, saying them out loud, is about as real as it gets. Once you say words out loud you can’t take them back. When you write something down and it isn’t to your liking, you can erase the words.”
“I see. That’s an interesting way of looking at things. Now, tell me, did you think about what I asked you yesterday? Do you have an answer for me?”
“I’m going to smoke a cigarette.”
“Go ahead, it’s your lungs. Are you agitated?”
“Let me worry about my lungs, and hell, yes, I’m agitated. I’m starting to feel like some kind of monster. I bought these cigarettes on my way home from Emmie’s last night. I didn’t smoke them, though. This is the first one,” she said, coughing. She kept on puffing.
“So, what’s the answer?”
“It’s not that easy. I thought about it a lot on my way to Emmie’s house. I knew the answer when I was in the car, and I knew it when I walked around to the backyard. When I left my daughter’s house, the answer wasn’t the same.”
“Well, then, let’s hear it.”
“You asked me what the one thing was that would make me truly happy. Truly is the word I had trouble with. My answer is shameful, and I can’t believe I’m going to tell you what it is. I couldn’t sleep all night just thinking about it. You said I had to be honest and you would know if I wasn’t. Take out the word truly and I can respond.”
“Forget I used the word truly. What’s your answer?”
Nealy licked at her dry lips. She leaned over to crush out her cigarette. “This was my answer before I got to Emmie’s house: I want her to fail if she rides in the Derby. I thought that would make me happy because it would prove . . . a lot of things. I know how that sounds. I hate myself for saying it. It was what I felt. If you want me to justify my response, then this is it. I had to train, bust my ass, go without sleep, and deprive myself of a lot of things. I paved the way. I had to put up with all the bad press and all the bullshit that went along with it. I earned what I got with my own blood, sweat, and tears. She prances in, says she’s going to do it and that’s the end of it. She’s so good, it boggles my mind. She’s just doing it. With none of the negatives. That girl has a will and a mind of her own. They were all wrong about her. She doesn’t need to be kept safe, and she sure as hell doesn’t need to be provided for. But it’s still happening. They were all wrong about that, too.”
“Well, that was certainly a mouthfuI. You said that was what you felt before you went to Emmie’s. Did you have a change of heart later on?”
“Yes. I realized I was jealous of how easy it is for her. It was never easy for me. Maybe I made things hard because I didn’t know any better, or I was trying to prove something. She doesn’t give a good rat’s ass if she wins the race or not. She just wants to run it. I was determined to win, and I did. It was like I had to keep proving myself over and over again. To whom, to what, I don’t know. I’ll probably keep on doing it till the day I die.”
“What’s part two?”
“It would make me very happy if my daughter turns out to be as good as I was. Not better, not worse, just as good as. If you don’t like that answer, that’s too damn bad. You asked for honesty, and I’m giving you honesty. By the way, I offered to buy SunStar from Emmie. She said she would give it to me. I don’t want her to give it to me. I’ll pay her a fair price. She can add it to Gabby’s trust fund. She said she was thinking of selling the farm, so I made the offer. I think that’s why I went there. No, that’s not true. I know that’s why I went there.”
It was Liz Shay’s turn to stare into the fish tank. There was nothing more relaxing or soothing than watching fish swim lazily about. She knew from past experience, if she stared too long at the graceful fish, she’d nod off. “And you want to buy SunStar . . . because . . .”
Nealy lit a second cigarette. “I suppose you’re thinking I don’t want Emmie to have it. I just think it should stay in the family. I can lease it out. It belonged to us, to my brothers and me. We earned that damn place.”
“And twice that damn place was willed to Emmie and not you or your brothers. Emmie doesn’t want it. Your brothers are gone, so that leaves just you. Are you sure the reason you want it is so Emmie can’t get her hands on it? After all, even though she was little more than an infant, she, too, suffered trauma there. You weren’t the only one, Nealy.”
Nealy blew a perfect smoke ring and watched it circle the doctor’s head. A wry smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “It does bother me that SunStar was left to Emmie twice. I guess I wasn’t good enough in Josh Coleman’s eyes. Neither were my brothers. It was that hateful old man’s way of paying for his sin against Emmie. At least I think that’s why he left her the farm. I was shocked when my brothers’ wills were read. I did so much for them. I made it all happen, and then they turned around and slapped me in the face by leaving it to Emmie. Where is the justice to all that? Just tell me that.”
“I suppose they were trying to be fair. Emmie did sign it over to them. But she did it at your urging. You called the shots back then. You were a very powerful woman and still are. Sometimes I think you don’t know just how powerful you really are. The flip side to all that is, your home is Blue Diamond Farms. You will never want for money. You’re world-famous. My God, Nealy, you danced with the president of the United States at the Derby Ball. The president hugged you for the whole world to see. Now, that’s fame. Your accomplishments are legion. You certainly don’t need the farm or the revenue from it. The horses aren’t half as good as yours. Why?”
“Because . . . because she already has half of Blue Diamond and didn’t do a damn thing to earn it. On top of that she gets SunStar and didn’t do a damn thing to earn that either. That makes her better than me and she isn’t. She isn’t. You want honesty, I’ll give you fucking honesty. That’s how I goddamn well feel, and sitting here talking to you isn’t going to change one damn thing. My brothers, much as I loved them, were two tight-asses. If I hadn’t stepped in, they would have lost the farm and ended up working for a weekly wage at some other farm. And what do they do to show their thanks? They kick me in the gut. My mother is buried on that farm. My brothers are buried there. It belongs to me and I want it. If I have to buy it from my daughter to get it, so be it.” Nealy lit a third cigarette. “You still don’t get it, do you? She doesn’t want it. She didn’t earn it. It means nothing to her. Think of it in terms of a very costly gift that will never be used. Just like Blue Diamond Farms. She just takes and takes and takes. She doesn’t give back and when she tries, she screws up and says, ‘Oh, well, I’ll do better next time.’ ”
Liz Shay leaned back in her chair. “I didn’t realize you hated your daughter so much.”
“I don’t hate my daughter. Where did you get an idea like that? I get annoyed with her. I admitted I was jealous of her. But I don’t hate her. She’s my flesh and blood for God’s sake.”
“Born out of guilt.”
“Yes, born out of guilt!” Nealy shouted. “Don’t you dare sit there and tell me I don’t love my daughter. I took care of her. She was always sick. I sat up with her when I was dead on my feet. I didn’t let that ugly old man put her in an orphanage. I did what I had to do. I took her and ran. I did the best I could. If that doesn’t meet with your approval, tough luck, Doctor. I’m leaving now, and I won’t be back. I’m sick of listening to you telling me what I should and should not feel. You aren’t inside my head, and you sure as hell don’t walk in my shoes. Until you can do that, don’t you dare judge me. Don’t you dare!”
Liz Shay bolted upright in her chair. “Nealy, I have never judged you. It’s not my place to do that. All I can do is try to lead you in the right direction. It’s up to you what you do or don’t do. I would hate to see you walk out of here in anger. We’re making real progress whether you want to believe
it or not.”
Nealy offered up a scathing look and left the room. By the time she reached her car, her anger was spent. She turned around and walked back to the office. She poked her head in the door to the receptionist’s office and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow at four.”
“Okay, Mrs. Littletree. See you tomorrow.”
15
Hatch watched Nealy as she rode a horse named Ethereal to the starting gate. He was rambunctious, and she was having difficulty calming him down. He’d never seen anything but perfection when Nealy was handling a horse. Something was wrong. Was it the horse, or was it Nealy? He continued to watch as Lee Lui led Gadfly into the gate. A moment later, Emmie maneuvered a prancing Hifly into the third gate. She looked confident. Lee Liu looked nonchalant sitting atop Gadfly. Nealy looked . . . Nealy looked terrified. Or was it anger he was seeing on his wife’s face? Maybe he was the one who was terrified. Maybe he wasn’t seeing things correctly. He was about to climb down from the makeshift stand when he heard the gates clang shut.
His gaze swiveled to Cordell Lancer, who was acting as a clocker, his starting pistol aimed high in the air. When it went off, a lump the size of a golf ball settled in Hatch’s throat. Nealy is too old to be doing this.
He turned when he felt Jake’s presence. The boy looked upset. What the hell was going on here? The young man shrugged, as he, too, watched the horses race around the track. Gadfly took the early lead and moved like greased lightning, Hifly racing to keep up. In the time it took Hatch to suck in his breath, Nealy was alongside Gadfly and flying down the track; Emmie and Hifly settled into her wake.
“They’re holding back, Hatch. Why are they doing that?”
“Who? What are you talking about, son?”
“Emmie. She’s holding back. So is Lee. Hifly can outrun both those horses. She’s letting Aunt Nealy win. So is Lee.” There was such disgust in Jake’s voice that Hatch dropped the binoculars.
“Why would they do a thing like that? I was watching, and I didn’t see that,” Hatch grumbled.
Jake shrugged. “I can think of a couple of reasons. One, Emmie wanted to give her mother the pleasure of winning. She probably told Lee to do the same thing. I don’t know that for sure, though. Winning is important to Aunt Nealy even if it’s just a training race. Two, Hifly is having a bad day and she didn’t want to tire him. Or . . .
“Or, what? Spit it out, Jake.”
“Or, she doesn’t want Aunt Nealy to see how good Hifly is. There’s a lot of rivalry there, Hatch. I know you think I’m just a kid, but I’m here twenty-four /seven, and I see what’s going on. Hifly could have taken that race by a good six furlongs if she’d let him. Gadfly is no slouch either. He can give Hifly a run for his money. Hifly is tuned to Emmie to such a degree it’s mind-boggling. I don’t think you should mention what I just said to Aunt Nealy.”
Hatch nodded. “What about Lee Liu?”
Jake hung his head. “He threw it, too. Gadfly is neck and neck with Hifly. This is just my opinion, Hatch. Ethereal is a plug if you know what I mean.”
Hatch used both his hands to shield his eyes from the sun as he stared down at the track, where Nealy was offering up a blistering commentary on the race. Even from where he was standing, he could hear the anger in her voice. So it wasn’t terror after all. Anger was better than terror any day of the week. Especially where his wife was concerned.
“I will not tolerate this. Do you hear me? You held those horses back. I saw that little byplay between the two of you. Do you think I’m a fool? There’s no way in the world I could have won. I wasn’t racing to win. I was racing alongside both of you so the horses could get the feel of a strange horse. It’s the run. Those animals were born and bred to run. You have to let them do what they do best, run to win. You didn’t do either one of them any favors, and you sure didn’t do any for yourselves either. I’m ashamed of you both. Do it again, Lee, and you’re out of here. Emmie, if I ever see a shoddy performance like that again, you will rue the day. Now cool down those horses and get out of my sight because you just shamed me, and I’m having a hard time accepting it.”
Hatch looked at Jake, who was grinning from ear to ear. “Aunt Nealy is back in the groove, Hatch. I was starting to worry about her. She hasn’t been herself these last few weeks. Yesterday morning at six-thirty, she raced Gadfly with three other starters. She tied Flyby’s time in the Derby. I was standing right next to the clocker and saw the time with my own eyes. That’s how she knew, Hatch.”
Hatch rubbed at his chin. “When they do these races, does Emmie always hold Hifly back? Look, kid, I know it makes you feel like a snitch, but I really need to know. If she is doing that, I want to know why.”
Jake scuffed his boots in the dirt. Hatch looked down at the boy’s feet. He already had a hole big enough to stick his foot in up to his ankle. He looked miserable.
“I don’t know why she does it, but yes, that’s what she’s been doing for the past month. I’m thinking she doesn’t want anyone to know how good Hifly is. Lee and I were talking about it. He thinks the same way I do. He’s doing it by the book, Emmie isn’t. That’s the bottom line.”
“And Nealy knows?”
“I think so. I talked to my mother about it, and she said it was a mother-daughter thing and to keep my nose out of it. My mom is real smart about stuff like that, so I always listen to her. I gotta get down to the barn.”
Hatch waved him off and waited for his wife to join him. He stuck his foot in the hole Jake had left behind.
“Digging for gold, honey?” Nealy asked, straddling the fence.
“Kind of. What the hell was that all about, Nealy?”
Nealy shrugged. “My daughter is trying to be mysterious is what I think. I’m also thinking she wants to surprise everyone at the Derby. So far she has refused any and all requests from the newspapers for an interview. She took a page out of my book, so I can’t fault her for that.”
Cordell Lancer appeared out of nowhere. “Nealy, can I talk to you a minute?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“It’s Lee. I know you think he held Gadfly back, but he didn’t. The boy isn’t feeling up to snuff. I was wondering if you’d mind if I took him to town to see Doctor Fritz. He don’t look real good to me.”
“Would you rather Hatch or I took him in?”
“No, I think he’d be more comfortable with me. I’m going to have to fight him to go at all. He just keeps saying he has a bellyache and is blaming it on something Jake cooked up the other night for dinner. He’s been peaked these past few days.”
“Then hog-tie him and get him to the doctor. I don’t want him pulling one of Emmie’s stunts and have it turn serious later on. Nip it in the bud now. If he gives you any trouble, let me know.
“The race is only a week away. I’ll work with Gadfly until Lee’s feeling better.”
“What will you do if it’s something serious, Nealy?” Hatch asked, his face etched in concern.
“I’m going up to the house now to see if there are any jockeys available. I shouldn’t have too much trouble. After I do that, I have to leave for town. Liz moved my appointment up today because she has a crisis patient scheduled for my usual time. Don’t ask me how you schedule a crisis appointment. I’m like you; I thought you dealt with it right then and there. What are you going to do, honey?”
“I thought I would go down to the barn and talk to Emmie. You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”
“Nope. See you at dinner.”
Nealy could see the psychiatrist through the glass partition. She was so pretty in a wholesome way, with her short-cropped blond hair, her freckles and engaging smile. She was so insightful it was scary sometimes. It was also scary that she held people’s minds in the palms of her hands. Did she ever make a mistake? Did she ever steer a patient in the wrong direction? Did she sleep at night or did she worry about her patients? As Nealy lowered her gaze to the tropical fish tank she remembered the day she’d stormed out of
the office, only to return moments later.
Hanging one’s guts out to dry was not an easy thing to do. She felt rather proud of herself these days. She’d flinched, she’d cried, and she’d bitten the bullet, but she hadn’t faltered. She’d gone on to fight another day. She wondered what Liz would home in on today. As far as she could tell, they’d covered every single phase of her life. They’d discussed Maud, Jess, Emmie, and her brothers. Hunt, Nick, and Hatch had come into play along the way as a diversion, or so she suspected. It always came back to Emmie, though. Emmie, SunStar, and Blue Diamond Farms.
Nealy felt her shoulders slump at the thought of Emmie and the experience on the track earlier. She was going to have to talk about that with Liz.
Liz opened the door. Today she looked exceptionally pretty and professional in a pale pink suit with a frilly white blouse. Nealy felt dowdy in her ankle-length, loose-flowing dress.
“How’s it going, Nealy? Coffee?”
“Sure. To answer your question, it’s going, but barely.” She quickly recounted the morning’s events.
“Obviously the whole thing upset you. Why is that?”
“Upset is hardly the word. I was royally pissed. Now that I think about it, I’m not really sure why I was upset. I think my first thought was she let me win so I could stand back and say I’m the best no matter what kind of horse you have. Maybe at one time, I would have thought that. She did let me win, but I think it was because she doesn’t want me to know how good Hifly is. She hasn’t forgotten the mistake she made with Gadfly. The horse tolerates her now, but he doesn’t really like her. It could be something as simple as the shampoo she uses that Gadfly doesn’t like.”
“What did you say to her, if anything?”
“I told her if she pulled a stunt like that again she’d rue the day. I was just saying words, but I was angry. At first I thought Lee held Gadfly back, too, but it turns out he wasn’t feeling well. My manager took him to the doctor. Is this something I should apologize for? I can’t seem to make the right kind of decisions anymore. I always feel like I’m under a microscope. It’s like, do I keep quiet, do I say something, or what? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I say the right thing, and she takes it the wrong way? I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.”
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