by Leah Moyes
Sincerely, The Gilford Family.
I scanned the date, this is in two days. My pulse raced. Does this mean everyone? The whole Gilford Family?
Am I ready to see them as if nothing ever happened? With little time to contemplate this, I pondered my thoughts as I moved from the back of the house out the front door. There he was, the messenger, standing upright next to his horse.
He tipped his hat. “Miss Katharine Shelton?”
“Yes.” I answered. I didn’t recognize him, although I wasn’t acquainted with all of the staff at Charlock. “Are you employed by the Gilford Family?”
“Aye.” He pulled the wheat stalk from his lips.
“Is everyone going to be in attendance Sunday?”
“No, Miss.” He stopped to spit. “Mr. and Mrs. remain in town.”
“So Mrs. Gilford is . . . well?”
He narrowed his gaze and leaned in closer, even though we were alone. “Been said through natter that the Mrs. has been laid up and under the charge of a whiz doc in town. She’s not been home for a fortnight.”
“Oh,” my heart sank. It has begun. My delay kept him from his duties. I reached into the pocket of my dress and pulled out a schilling. It wasn’t much, but I knew money always helped. He took it gratefully.
“What say you?” The man urged.
“Yes, definitely yes,” I confirmed. I missed the girls immensely. “One more question, please.” The man stopped with only one boot in the stirrup and waited. “What about Miss Abbott?”
He smiled slyly as if I hid an ulterior motive.
“She be in London as well but with kin.”
“Why would she?” I whispered low to myself, but he answered anyway.
“She . . .” he spoke lower. “Heard she be ‘fraid of Mr. Merritt’s impairments, stay away ‘til he be healed.”
This surprised me, sort of. She wasn’t exactly the nursing type. “But they are still engaged?”
“Yes’m.”
I contemplated all this recent information. It honestly could not be better than this, a chance for me to be alone with Merritt, Lizzy, and Abby.
“Please let Mr. Gilford know I would be happy to come, however . . .” I cautioned as I now looked around myself, “the carriage cannot pick me up here. I will meet it at the abandoned mill down the road. Thank you very much.”
“Good day, Miss.” He tipped his hat and left.
What will it be like riding back onto that property again? To walk inside the house, or see their faces? Thank goodness, the elder Mr. Gilford wouldn’t be present. I’m sure I wasn’t ready for that one yet, but Mrs. Gilford? Did the children know how serious the illness had become?
When I saw Joanne later that afternoon, she never asked about the letter. I think she already knew where it originated from. That is partly why I asked for the carriage to pick me up down the road and not in front of the house. Joanne was the type of person who would support my friendship with Merritt regardless of her circumstances. The other staff, however, I didn’t trust, and the last thing I needed was rumors to circulate. I still had to protect my job, especially if I was going to be here for a while or forever.
Chapter Thirty-one
The walk down to the old abandoned grist mill was short, less than a kilometer. Exactly the distance I needed to stay under the rumor radar. As I slipped on my newly purchased cloak, my hands shook. Why am I so anxious about going back to a place I adore?
Once the final touches were completed on my hair, I slipped out my bedroom door. Still early in the afternoon, I left only a few unfinished tasks while everyone moved to the upper floors with their housekeeping duties. I tiptoed from my small quarters in the back, through the hall and towards the side entrance. I wasn’t even sure why I felt the need to go stealth until my tippet snagged. I turned to free it when I realized the holdup didn’t come accidentally. Heath’s fist held a clump of cloth, and an ugly scowl draped across his face.
“Where do you think you’re off to, lass?” He had manners, but only used them when it elevated his situation . . . and this was not one of those times.
“None of your concern, Heath!” I tugged opposite him; hoping to release his grip.
“It is my concern if you are trying to leg it on your duties to go shag some nob.” My eyes flared, but when I tried to speak, nothing came out. “Yes, missy, I know you’re going over to the Gilfords. You thought you were on the back foot, but I heard. I heard it all.” His disgust lacked restraint.
“You know nothing, Heath.” It made me sick to think he believed me to be that kind of girl, or Merritt was that kind of guy.
“You’re on the pull while his fiancé is gone. I heard everything, you reprehensible slapper.”
Now he pissed me off. “Get out of my way, you bloody arse.” My hand rose from my side when Joanne suddenly appeared next to me. She gently restrained it before it made contact. My lips pulled in at her presence. She was the last person I wanted to know about my departure.
“Heath, you are needed in the parlor . . . at once.” She spoke calmly but firm.
“My issue is here.” His jaw tightened as he faced me directly and continued, “Katharine is evading her tasks to be on the pull. This should even make you barmy, Miss Joanne.” His nose wrinkled as he enunciated each word.
“You’re being daft, Heath.” Joanne glanced over at me. “She prearranged her departure. I’m covering her remaining responsibilities as she sees to a previous employer. All respectable, Mr. Parkins. Leave her be unless you want to pursue this absurd foul up in front of Mrs. Attwood. Do you want me to retrieve her from her pleasantries?”
Heath let go of me and tugged at the hem of his jacket. His smug face jolted back into proper snobbery as he stared at me with revulsion and walked away.
“Joanne,” I pled forgiveness. “I didn’t want to upset you, so I didn’t tell you.” Both of my hands held hers. “I’m sorry.”
“Katharine. We are better friends than that, are we not?” She kissed me on the cheek. “Go about your day and do not dwell on this any longer.”
The barouche waited despite my delayed arrival. I was the only passenger besides the coachman. As we turned up the road towards the house, I gnawed on the inside of my cheek and clasped my hands in a thin layer of perspiration. I missed being here. It always felt more like home, but was I making a mistake allowing this back into my life?
I emerged from the carriage and was nearly knocked to the ground by Lizzy and Abagale. They clung to me like long lost family, and I guess in a way we were. Merritt came to the door to watch the spectacle and grinned with amusement. He stepped forward and kindly offered his arm as my escort. I have missed this certain gentleman. If only he wasn’t forced to marry a bloodsucker, but that was another subject that I swore to avoid at any cost. I didn't want to pollute my first visit back by talking about the velociraptor and her deadly claws. The scars from her nails were a permanent reminder of that night, and her attempt to keep me from saving Merritt.
The evening meal tasted superb. Mutton and lamb smothered in a mint sauce with herb pudding and carrots as side dishes served on the beautiful china I remembered. The spritzer alone revived flavor I hadn’t experienced in ages as the fruity flavor popped in my mouth. It had been too long since I’d eaten this well. Servants are not allowed to dine with their employers; and the meals are consumed in the kitchen or cellar. I missed the way the Gilfords treated me more like family than an employee.
Tonight, I was the only guest of Merritt and the girls. Their current governess, under the family’s insistence, took a long weekend away. Fortunately for me, all the people I didn't want to see were absent.
After supper Lizzy, Abby, and I played cards, I taught them how to play Texas hold 'em while they taught me slap. It felt like I’d never left. The mood fluttered light, and the giggles endless. An hour later, Merritt invited me to walk with him down by the river. Experiencing a piece of the old tranquility put a smile on my face that instantly doused as I
glanced painfully between his gracious eyes and that bloody cane he continued to rely on.
“I’m fine, Katharine,” he tried to assure me. “It’s beneficial for me to move about.”
I took his arm beneath the cool evening sky, but like the gentleman he was, he immediately offered me his jacket. As we approached the path, the sun dipped low, and the scent of pine awakened my nostrils.
When Merritt and I were together, I never felt uneasy. He was a handsome distraction, with unparalleled character, but it was his sheltering mannerisms that made me think of my older brothers. Being the baby sister had its up and downs. They were avid protectors from any outside influences, but at home, they teased mercilessly. Through it all, they toughened me up for life in the city. Little did they know, some of their not so gentle torment probably kept me alive here. Neither place seemed fit for the fainthearted.
“Merritt, are you still helping people?” My eyes flashed to the woods and the secret cave.
“I couldn’t for a while, but yes, I assisted a man last night.”
I smiled, happy to hear that that part of him had not changed.
“Katharine?” He stopped walking and spoke so softly it required me to lean in. “I never sought your forgiveness for the way I acted at the ball, and I deeply regret it.”
“Oh yeah, the ball . . .” My nose wrinkled. “I almost forgot about that argument.” I responded playfully, but his eyes shifted away. “I’m sorry I said anything about the invisible—now visible—Johnna. It was wrong of me to assume you were engaged to her.”
The silence allowed for the noises of the night to amplify. I could sense that he wanted to speak but struggled to find the words.
“Merritt?” Tilting his cheek gently with my fingers, I brought his face to mine. “You must know how much I care about this family. I’d never do anything to hurt you or Lizzy or Abby and never say anything that caused trouble. I—” I meant to continue, but he pressed his own finger lightly against my lips to hush me.
“No need to confess anything, Katharine.” His expression should have appeared relieved but teetered in the opposite direction. “How did you know about Johnna, the night of the ball?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. It was a practice I used to prevent myself from speaking before thinking. I had to be careful how I worded this; I don't think it would come off very well if I said it was the internet. I glanced towards the river instead of him, then fibbed.
“Simply being around the house, I heard the name Johnna mentioned occasionally, so when I was told you were announcing your engagement, I assumed it was to her.” I stammered, “I'm so sorry, Merritt.”
“Don't be.” His tone took on a confidence I’d not heard from him in quite some time. He paused and then picked up a small smooth rock from the path. His fingers rubbed over the same edge several times before he confessed, “I’m in love with Johnna.” He didn’t wait for me to react as he continued to blurt out his thoughts all at once. “I have been since I turned 13 years of age. The year I became acquainted with her.” He smiled with the memory. “She was riding her horse near our home. All I could see were her golden curls flapping wildly across her face, but she never stopped, she only rode faster. I jumped on Captain to join her, but it took everything I had to catch up.” His lips pressed tightly together, appearing as though he fought a tender emotion. I waited for him to finish. It was like he described the very yearning I had for Jeff, but nobody seemed to understand.
“I thought I could do this.” Merritt brushed his hand through his hair, but it fell back impeccably. “I believed I could proceed, and do what they expected of me, but when I saw her the other day with you . . . it was like my heart shattered all over again.” Merritt showed more sentiment in this one exclamation about Johnna than I’d seen the entire time he’d been with Margaret.
“Then why aren't you marrying her, Merritt?” I took off the kid gloves. I was tired of playing the propriety game.
“It's not that simple. She, and I, we come from different places.”
“You mean status? Class?” The frustration in my voice was exposed.
“No, but yes, kind of.”
“Rubbish! So, let me get this straight . . .” I moved in front of him, pulling his hands towards my chest and squeezed. “You’re willing to live a lifetime with someone you barely tolerate, your sisters loathe, your best friend—that's me,” I nodded, “—despises! A woman who has questionable integrity, lacks all compassion, and has no need for charity. A woman who looks in the mirror more than she looks at you and will likely provide a chilly offspring one day that could very well carry on her evil seed . . . simply because she comes from money?”
“Do you have to express it in that manner?” His face cringed.
“Yes, yes, I do!” My body trembled.
“Please don’t be cross with me, Katharine. Not everyone has the luxury of choosing affection over obligation!” His voice rose steadily.
My tone cracked with tension, “Answer me this—is Margaret unselfish and loving? Does she whelm your very soul, Merritt? Do you physically ache when she’s not near you?” My bottom lashes tingled with moisture. This was getting too personal for me. “Do you count the minutes until you hear her voice again? Do you talk about growing old together?” I sobbed the last words out, barely audible.
“Katharine,” Merritt whispered, his hands slid to my arms. “You speak openly of what I should pursue, yet you yourself have locked your heart. I can see it. You want me to find my happiness, but you’re unwilling to locate yours.”
His arms instinctively slid around my shoulders to comfort me as a big brother would.
“I had it, Merritt,” I sobbed. “I had it in my very hands and lost it.” My tears drenched his shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” He rubbed my hair.
I leaned back where he could see my face. “You’re right. I have locked my heart. I lost my chance with Jeff, and yes, I’m terrified to open it again.” I could barely get the words out, “but if the love of your life is within arm’s reach, breathing and alive, don't let her get away. This decision will haunt you your entire life.” I could see in his eyes the fear his father had placed in him. Merritt’s choice to please his family before himself took its toll. I continued, “I’d do anything, anything at all, to hold Jeff one more time. The one person I have loved more than anyone in this world.”
The tears rolled steadily down my cheeks. Merritt pulled out his trusty handkerchief and once again gently wiped it against my skin. “You have that chance, Merritt; you have the chance to change your future. Your parents will not turn their back on their only son.” Merritt cringed at the thought of that possibility. “Joanne is the package deal.” His eyebrows furrowed as I continued, “She’s one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is beautiful . . .” his smile swelled, “she is honest, kindhearted, and full of love, life, and goodness. She is the only reason I am safe and secure right now. And Merritt, there’s no doubt in my mind, that she’d make an incredible mother to your children, and carry the Gilford name with honor.”
My arms remained linked to his, and while that would normally make any woman melt with excitement, the passion that surged through my body was more about the motivation to get him to wake up and hear me before he made the biggest mistake of his life.
I pulled away for more air. At the river’s edge, the last of the sunlight slipped away and cast an ominous shadow across the water. I knew we needed to head back since we left without a lantern, and it wasn't easy managing the terrain at night, but I couldn’t force my legs to move.
Merritt stood next to me and reached for my hand once more. Squeezing it lightly, he whispered, “thank you, Katharine. Thank you for your honesty.”
Silence prevailed as we made our way back to the house. I hoped that what I said really gave him cause to think. The next decision he made would alter his future forever. I knew if Merritt married Margaret, he would find himself in a loveless, unhappy marriage, and ab
ove all, risk the integrity and goodness he had nearly perfected.
When we reunited with the girls in the library, my eyes appeared swollen and red.
“Miss Katharine!” Lizzy cried. “What ails you?” Her arms reached for me. Abby hugged me from behind.
“Nothing. I assure you I am well. Thank you very much for inviting me tonight. It has been wonderful to see you all.”
“Please come back.” Abby’s cheek rested against my back. “Please?”
In my heart, I wanted to, but I doubted I could return if Merritt remained with Margaret. Honestly, with the way I felt about her, I didn’t trust myself. If I ever saw her again. I really didn’t know what would happen. This wasn’t said out loud. I assured them I’d try.
The hour grew late, and the time arrived for me to leave. Merritt asked the girls to bid me goodnight. We hugged, and I gave them each a kiss on the cheek. I then turned to Merritt, who stood so dashing in the fire’s glow. His thoughts seemed to weigh heavily on his mind as he attempted to smile for me. I didn't wait for him to come to me. I wrapped my arms lovingly around his neck and whispered, “Follow your heart. You will know what to do.”
They led me to the carriage. It should’ve been a sad moment. Yet, for all of us, it only confirmed that no matter our separation, we were friends for life . . . or forever.
Before I waved goodbye, I felt the need to say one final thing. “Tell your mum you love her.” They exchanged confused glances when I repeated it. Then I blew them a kiss goodnight.
As the carriage rounded the bend, near the gristmill, the driver refused to let me off too far from home. He must be a father. I smiled to myself. He did, however, respect my wishes, and dropped me off near the stables.
Once inside, I maneuvered quietly towards my room but stopped short a few doors down. I knocked gently. I wasn’t even sure she’d want to see me, but Joanne’s sweet face appeared through the crack. She opened the door and gestured for me to join her. Lighting a second candle, she placed it opposite the first one on the small desk in the corner of her room, which allowed us to see one another.