“Damn skippy, I do. You owe me three grand, Ace.”
“I know,” I said, finally relaxing. “But here’s the thing. I got a business opportunity guaranteed to make you a heck of a lot more than that.”
“And I got a bridge to sell you.”
“Look, Mort, I ain’t kiddin’,” I said, desperate now. “And I ain’t got a whole lotta time to be hanging out on the phone. Hows about this? I’ll give you the address of where I’m at. Pop over here tomorrow morning right around ten so I can show you what I’m talking about. If you hear me out and don’t agree, I’ll give you what I owe yous and you can skedaddle back to civilization.”
“This some kind of a trick?”
“No tricks. Scout’s honor.”
“You ain’t never been a scout and you sure as hell ain’t got any honor, twerp,” Mort ground out. “Lucky for you, I’m a nice guy and I’ll hear you out before I decide how I’m gonna get what you owe me. But I’m warning you, if this is some sort of a joke, you’ll wish you never heard of me.”
The following day I headed down to the alley early to wait for Mort’s arrival. Lucky for me, Des and Donna was down at the old mill trying to head off Armageddon, so I weren’t too worried about being interrupted before I could convince Mort to help me save Blackbird.
“Geez kid. There’s slumming and then there’s slumming. What the hell did you do to end up in a place like this?”
“I got on the wrong side of a certain Warrior and got kicked outta the realm,” I said, actin’ all casual like it weren’t no big deal. I kinda owed Mort a hefty lump of scratch, so I knew he was just trying to press my buttons. “But that ain’t your concern. What you need to worry about is filling a need. You still in the franchise business?”
“Here and there,” Mort answered with a shrug. “The market gets more and more saturated every day.”
“Is that so?” I said, trying to ease back on the big ol’ grin that was forming on my mug. “What if I can offer you an untapped market that’s just chompin’ at the bit to get their hands on a Big Cheezy”
“Big Royal Burger? Are you outta your mind?” Mort scoffed. “Ain’t no one in the world chomping at the bit for anything from that place. You wanna make money, we gotta open a Five Guys or an In-N-Out or something with a cult following. Big Royal Burger is pretty small time.”
“Nah, see that’s what I’m sayin’,” I said, explaining how the cable company keeps showing the commercials. “These folks here ain’t never heard of those other places. They got it in their minds that Big Royal Burger is the holy grail of burger joints and ain’t nothin’ gonna change their mind.”
Suddenly there was a drop in pressure and a loud pop.
“Holy shit! That’s perfect!”
“What the hell is this?” Mort jumped as Nai seemed to appear from outta nowhere.
“What the heck are you doing here, kid?” I asked. “Ain’t you supposed to be in school?”
“Spying on you,” she said with no hint of apology or shame. Not that I’d expect much what with her predisposition toward my kind, but still, the kid could be abrasive. “And I was suspended, so don’t tie your horns in a knot. I was down at the Antique Emporium when I felt the demon arrive, so I jumped out of the Cycle and followed. I have to say, I’m kind of impressed.”
“Well, I am pretty impressive,” Mort quipped, but Nai just rolled her eyes.
“I was talking about Bogie’s plan. You’re looking to open a Big Royal Burger here in Blackbird, right?”
“Look, kid,” Mort jumped in. I probably shoulda warned him about Nai, but I hadn’t gotten that far nor had I expected her to be spying on us. “I don’t know what kind of a mass delusion you is under, but Big Royal Burger ain’t a profitable franchise.”
“Kid? Listen, dickhead,” Nai sneered, mocking Mort’s tone. “This entire town has been brainwashed by a commercial that accidentally got put into rotation in the wrong market. Manufactured demand is still demand. If you’re stupid enough to pass up this opportunity, I’m sure there’s someone with more than a teaspoonful of business sense who will want in.”
“Ain’t no one gonna take a chance on a mediocre franchise,” Mort argued, but Nai just cut him off with a withering glare.
“Dude, you really don’t get it, do you? Yes, eventually that demand will die down, but so what? That happens with everything. Even the top joints. At that point you’ve already made a killing and all you have to do is take away a menu item for a while and create another round of false demand.”
“Wowzers, Nai,” I said with a low whistle. “Never knew you was into economics.”
“Just because I skip school doesn’t mean I never learn anything,” she replied with a haughty tone of voice. “Look, how soon can we get this place going? We already have the commercials in our favor, but we need people to know this is happening and that it is happening soon. We need billboards. We need newspaper ads. We need to start internet rumors! Hell, this place has so much nothing going on that we could probably set up a press conference and have the two local news channels fight for the chance for exclusive coverage. We need to make sure every last person in town is anticipating the opening of Big Royal Burger!”
“Eh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Nai, but I gotta ask, why is this so important to you?”
“You have to ask?” She looked at me like I had three heads. “This should drive off some of our unwanted guests, which could balance a few things. Got me?”
“Huh,” I said, mulling over her not so subtle hints. It seemed like we was on the same page. Even if we wasn’t, I weren’t gonna complain. I needed all the help I could get.
“Now hold on here,” Mort piped up. “This is beginning to sound a bit like a hidden agenda. I already know you ain’t welcome in the realm these days, Hubert. I ain’t doing nothing that makes me look like a traitor.”
“Right,” Nai said all sarcastic-like. “You’re a Discordant. Are you trying to tell me you wouldn’t sell your own mother to make a profit?”
“I’m thinking of the long haul here, kiddo.”
“Ain’t nothin’ like that,” I said, stepping in before it came down to blows or worse. “All we is trying to do is get a few djinn off our backs and you can’t tell me you don’t want to put the squeeze on a couple of them.”
“Uh huh…” Mort eyed me all skeptical-like. “Just djinn? You ain’t trying to pull nothin’ else?”
“Scout’s honor.”
“You already tried that one.”
“Okay, hows about this then?” I pulled out the pamphlet I got from Seth on minimum wage and benefit requirements. Needless to say, they was nothin’ like the hoops business owners in California had to jump through.
“Oh come on!” Mort glanced at the rates and looked at me like I was pulling his leg. “You mean to tell me this is all I gotta pay folks for working out here?”
“Welcome to middle America, buddy,” I said with a chuckle. I could practically see the dollar signs flashin’ in ol’ Mort’s eyes.
“All right, all right. I’ll file the paperwork this evening. You said you got a location?”
“I think you’re gonna like the rates here as well,” I said, showing him the property rental info I’d scoped out the day before.
“You kidding me? Did I say this evening? Hang on,” he said and whipped out his phone. “Bernice, get on the horn with Big Royal Burger. We’re bringing the Big Cheezy to the Midwest… Uh huh… Okay… Hey, Hubert. You got a fax machine?”
As a matter of fact, there was a fax machine in the office. It took me a minute to find the number, but within the next twenty or so minutes, we was receiving the official paperwork from Big Royal Inc. and Mort was off to sign the lease and get the proper permits for the necessary construction.
By the time he got back, we was already to the job fair planning portion and we’d run into our first snag. Part of the franchise agreement required someone to wear the Big Cheezy costume both at the job fair and the grand
opening and Nai wanted nothin’ to do with it.
“Oh for Chaos sake, girlie!” Mort said dropping a stack of flyers on the bar. “I’ll pay you double. Now can we finish up the negotiations? I ain’t got all day.”
All of the sudden I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and we had our second uninvited visitor of the day. Before I even had a chance to think about explaining the situation, Des decided to draw his own conclusions and threw a whammy of a binding spell at me. By now, I shoulda been used to it, but those things ain’t comfortable. Part of the reason I needed to keep things on the hush-hush was that Des weren’t a big fan of Mort, especially not after the last scam he was running back when I was out in LA. I had to do some fast talking.
“It’s true that I invited ol’ Mort here to Blackbird ‘cuz I had a business proposal for him, but it ain’t the kind of business proposal you is thinking,” I explained. “I’m happy to announce that we mighta found a way to take care of at least part of the problem that’s facing us at the moment.”
“And that is?” Des asked, but didn’t let up on the binding.
“Nai?” I asked, using my head to indicate the flyers that was just outta my reach.
“Here.”
“You have got to be kidding,” Des said as he read the flyer. “Of all the hair-brained schemes…” he trailed off, shaking his head, but at least he eased up on the magical stranglehold.
“You asked me to look into something to draw away the djinn,” Nai said. As much as the kid got on my nerves, I was thankful for her presence. I weren’t even gonna fool myself into thinking that me and Mort would still be alive if she hadn’t been there. “You have to admit, it’ll work.”
“Yes, however, I didn’t expect you to enter into business negotiations with small time sleaze balls like Bugsy here,” Des muttered.
“Yeah, that were my fault,” I said, probably foolishly. “Mort’s the only one I know with the disposable income to start a franchise.”
“Yes, but where did that income come from?”
“Hey, that ain’t nothin’ you need to worry about,” Mort said, also probably foolishly ‘cuz I could tell that Des was putting the squeeze on him.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he growled. “I want to see all of the contracts you’ve signed. I want to see all of the plans you have and I swear if I see a single cut corner I will not hesitate to blast your ass into areas of Chaos even Ajhe has never heard of.”
“Okay, okay!” Mort choked out and Des eased up. “No need to get all worked up. I ain’t nearly as optimistic about Big Royal as these two is, but I promise, no funny business.”
“Oh you’ve got that right,” Des said with a grin I wasn’t liking too much. “Now, I believe you were negotiating Nai’s pay?”
As it turned out, having Des on board weren’t such a bad thing. Since we weren’t keeping no secrets, we was able to reach even more folks by having Seth announce the job fair through the unemployment office. By the time we got the tent set up in the mall parking lot on Saturday, I was pretty sure at least half the population of Blackbird was there. Whether they was applying for a job or just gawking made no difference to me. Big Royal fever was spreadin’ like wildfire.
“Four hundred eighty seven applications for twelve open positions,” Mort said, shaking his head at the giant stack of paper at his feet.
“Well, looks like you have your work cut out for you,” Des said with a smile, but Mort weren’t bothered.
“You mean Bernice has her work cut out for her,” he said with a grin, picking up the box. “Ain’t no point in having a personal assistant otherwise.”
“And now we have our work cut out for us,” Des added once Mort left. “I just spoke to Eller. If we’re going to do this, we need to do it now.”
* * *
Des weren’t kidding. When we arrived at the bowling alley, the silence was almost deafening compared to the magical chatter I’d felt last time I’d been out there. And just like last time, Eller was sitting behind the counter with a cigar hanging outta his mouth when we arrived.
“Well demon, I don’t know what you did, but it looks like it worked,” he said, shakin’ his head all mystified. “You gonna be okay with this?” he asked, pulling out the keys to open the trophy case.
“Eh, I’ll hang back over here,” I said, settling in at the bar. No sense in making more enemies than I already had.
“I trust you know what we’re doing here?” Eller asked, eyeballing Nai, who rolled her eyes and scowled in reply.
“I made sure Nai could perform a simple banishing spell before agreeing to let her come along,” Des assured him.
“That’s all he’ll let me do,” she added, not even trying to hide her disappointment.
“Good enough,” Eller said and began the spell to take the ward off the cabinet. I had to admit, I held my breath. There were more than a couple djinn that weren’t my biggest fans and I didn’t put it past a few of ‘em to hide out and maybe try to ambush me. But when he opened the case and they got started on the banishments with no hitches, I breathed a little easier.
“Does this mean we’ll actually get to go bowling once this is all over with?” Nai asked, reaching for the trophy Eller handed her.
“I wouldn’t have suspected you to be a bowler,” I noted, earning me a sneer from Nai.
“It’s not like there’s anything else to do around here,” she grumbled.
“This town never did have much,” Eller agreed.
I nearly couldn’t keep from falling off my chair laughing when only a second later he added, “Hey, you all hear the good news? They’re opening up a Big Royal Burger here in Blackbird.”
“Yeah, who woulda thunk it?” I said, throwing a wink over to Des who looked like he was gonna say somethin’ negative, so I steamrollered over him. “Just you wait. Ain’t nothin’ in the world like a Big Cheezy and a Mondo-shake! I was just sayin’ how much I missed eating there.”
Des rolled his eyes, but kept his yap shut when he realized what I was doing, but it didn’t make no difference. Eller was one smart cookie and it didn’t take but a second for him to make the connection between the missing djinn and the burger joint.
“Is that what you were doing the other day? Is that…” His eyes went wide and he choked a little on his cigar smoke as he looked at the trophy case. “Are you trying to tell me that there are enough folks here in Blackbird anticipating the opening of a fast food joint to forget about all of their other hopes and desires?”
“Well, I admit, the commercials were a bit of added serendipity, but I can be pretty convincing when I put my mind to it.”
“It doesn’t solve all of our problems,” Des reminded us. Always the killjoy, that guy. “But with enough of them gone, once we perform these banishment spells, I’ll get a containment team in here to close the rift.”
“Now hang on. You sure that’s a good idea?” Eller asked.
“Well sure,” I said, kinda confused. “What, you wanna stay stuck out here?”
“Course not,” he scoffed, “but I ain’t banking on the anticipation of any fast food joint being enough to keep people from having strong and unobtainable desires for very long. Once this place is open, I give it about a month before the hubbub dies down.”
“That’s being generous,” I muttered under my breath, but he did have a point. One that I hadn’t stopped to consider.
“You’ll have to allow one or two to get through every once in a while,” Nai noted. “We’ll banish them on our end, but we need them to restore balance.”
“With your mystic abilities and ancestry, surely you’d be able to stem the flow once we’ve balanced the equation,” Des added.
Eller stopped what he was doing and wrote somethin’ down on the same notepad he’d let me use a few days before. He was muttering somethin’ to himself that sounded an awful lot like math, so I tuned him out.
“…adding in the population of Blackbird and the average number of djinn I’d trappe
d per week… Taking into consideration a timeframe of one to three months for the restaurant to open… Adding to that the anticipation of the upcoming holiday season, but also factoring in the frustrations over the stalled economic growth… And the closure of yet another manufacturing giant a couple of towns over…”
Eller’s eyes glazed for a moment and I looked up. Both Nai and Des was looking at him like they ain’t had no clue what he was going on about neither.
“…I’d say I have a less than eight point four percent chance of sustaining status quo without the paradox. I’m afraid there’s no calculable alternative.”
Okay, I mighta been impressed if my head weren’t swimming and if I had any clue what any of that mumbo-jumbo meant.
“And exactly how did you arrive at that seemingly arbitrary number?”
“Huh?”
Alls our heads turned at the sound of Louise’s voice. What she was doing here was anyone’s guess, but it was pretty obvious by the look on his face it weren’t on Eller’s invite. Ten seconds later, Seth came hurtling through the door lookin’ like he ran the whole way. On his heels was Donna and Betty, who was dragging a bored lookin’ Jem.
“Eller, I’m sorry,” Seth panted. “I tried to-”
“Can it, Seth,” Louise snapped, pointing a threatening finger at him. “I’m tired of playing by rules that I had no hand in drafting. We’re going head to head, Eller. Control freak versus control freak.”
“I guess a man can’t get any peace for trying,” Eller said with a heaving sigh as he reached for the trophy that Des had been in the process of handing to him. “Go ahead, child. Have your say for all the good it will do you.”
I looked over at Betty and Donna, hoping for some sort of explanation, but they both just shook their heads and shrugged as if they had no clue what was happening neither. My biggest worry, though, was Jem being there. After all, we was doing all of this to save the kid. Luckily, I didn’t see my uncle nowhere, but the look on Louise’s face had me worried.
“Trust me,” she said, clapping her hands together with a downright predatory smile.
“You’ll thank me for this later.”
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 48