Chapter Twenty
Duff stood beside the injured Balfour’s seat, and with a clear view thanks to the flaming torches positioned about the courtyard, he watched Mairi dance around the bailey with her suitors. While they danced, she struck up a conversation with each man and by the heartfelt expression she wore when the dance was over, Duff wished he had been privy to all that was said.
‘It’s never easy seeing the lass looking worried,’ Balfour said quietly. Duff unclenched his fists and relaxed his stance. ‘Not knowing what’s been said makes it harder still,’ Balfour continued.’ Duff glanced down at the older man. ‘I long ago discovered that being here for her, whether she’s in danger or not, is enough.’
Duff looked back to where Mairi now stood beside her father. ‘You’re a wise man, Balfour.’
Mairi turned and looked straight at them, and lifting her skirts, she approached. Duff straightened and his fingers curled in on themselves once more.
‘That I am,’ Balfour finally said with a smile.
‘Is this a private meeting of my personal guards?’ Mairi’s voice sounded breathless and her cheeks still glowed pink from dancing.
‘It is, Lady Mairi,’ Balfour said, ‘but as you are our purpose for being selected to begin with, you are most welcome to join us.’
Mairi smiled a brilliant smile at Balfour’s teasing and Duff felt his heart stutter in his chest. He tightened his fists.
‘‘Tis so good to see you up and about, Balfour.’ She reached forward and pressed her hands upon the older man’s shoulders. ‘And don’t even think about standing.’
Balfour sighed. ‘Only a another day or two and I will be back to my strong and able self and away from that cursed healing woman.’
‘There is nae rush, Balfour, and we both know how fond of Tavie you truly are.’
Balfour’s only response was a tortured groan.
Mairi’s gaze turned and settled on Duff. ‘I trust you are enjoying the feast.’
‘I am, Lady Mairi,’ Duff lied. How was he meant to enjoy watching her dance with other men when he wanted to hold her in his arms?
‘I am pleased to hear it,’ she said, turning from him and once again speaking to Balfour, ‘May I?’ She indicated the vacant space on the bench.
‘Of course,’ Balfour said. ‘How are you, lass?’
Duff discreetly moved away to give the pair, who looked more like old friends than protector and charge, more privacy to talk. Duff wasn’t her friend. He was here to keep Mairi safe and nothing more. Only one more long night and the start of a new day of guarding her remained and then he’d be free to return to the Borders. Free to return to his lonely life, alone.
The thought frightened him more than he cared to admit, more than he’d ever confess to another. He’d promised Lachlan if he failed in his quest to find out who he was, he would return to Castle Redheugh and get on with his miserable life.
And so he would.
***
Relief poured through Mairi’s veins at Balfour’s speedy recovery.
‘Ah, lass, seeing you is like seeing the sun on the darkest of winter’s days.’
His words almost made her cry. ‘Dearest, Balfour. How I have missed you.’ Leaning down, she pressed a light kiss to his weathered cheek.
‘What would your suitors think if they saw you gifting me with such attention?’
‘But they did not see, Sir Balfour,’ she said using the childhood title she’d given him years before. ‘Therefore my honour remains safe.’
Balfour chuckled at her play on words, but whatever he saw when he looked in her eyes made his grin slip back into a tentative smile.
‘How goes your quest, lass?’
Mairi peered down at her hands, fingers tangled and twisting in her lap. ‘Oh, Balfour,’ her lips pressed together briefly to hold in the plea asking for his assistance. It wasn’t his place to choose whom she should wed. It was hers. When she felt it was safe to speak without begging, she said, ‘It isn’t an easy choice. I’m still deciding.’
‘You are a wise young lady, Mairi, and I have every confidence that when the time comes, you will make the right decision.’ Balfour reached for her hand. ‘Your father holds such faith in you, else he wouldn’t have granted you the gift of choice in the first place.’
His touch along with his kind words made her feel better, made her feel as if she could make the right choice. ‘Now I know why I came to sit with you, Balfour.’ She squeezed his calloused hand. ‘Thank you.’
Balfour’s smile returned, but Mairi was certain his faded blue eyes held a misty sheen about them.
She stayed and chatted a little longer. Talking with him, hearing him jest and seeing him almost returned to good health soothed an invisible wound that she hadn’t realised had been festering since he’d been hurt.
Balfour wasn’t only her personal guard. He’d been her friend, her conscience, her confidant for so many years she was sure he knew more about her than she did herself. He was always warm and welcoming, never judged her, even when she was wrong, kept her secrets and offered her guidance when she felt so alone she was afraid no one would ever find her again.
He was all the things her mother and brother and father could have been, but she was responsible for her mother and brother’s deaths and she didn’t deserve to take up a minute of her father’s time. And she hadn’t, or at least she’d tried not to, despite Balfour constantly telling her she should. She’d simply done her best to lighten her father’s load of responsibilities by taking on as many of his duties as she could. It would never be enough, but it was something.
She stared out over the dancing, cheering crowd, pleased the villagers and castle folk were enjoying themselves. Part of her just wanted to wake up married, the whole confusing choice made and the deed done. Uncertainty swamped her at the thought of what her life would be like once she’d made her choice? Would she bear children? What would their lives be like? So much rested on her choice. But she was the only one who could make the difficult choice and she wasn’t sure if tonight’s confessions from each suitor had made her choice easier or harder. They’d only added confusion because she now wanted to make her own choice from whomever she pleased, not from those chosen for her.
The man standing in the shadows to one side wasn’t helping with her decision.
‘Been to fetch any yarrow lately?’
Balfour was the only person other than her who knew about her secret glade. As her personal guard, he’d escorted her as she’d taken early morning rides to find a sense of freedom she couldn’t find within the curtained walls. Balfour had been with her the day she’d first discovered the ruins, hidden by bracken and brush on the fringe of Gordon lands.
‘Nae,’ she whispered. ‘But I’ve wanted to.’ Desperately. She turned and met Balfour’s kind gaze.
‘Soon, lass.’ He smiled. ‘I’m certain I heard the healing witch whining about how her yarrow stores are becoming low.’ He patted her hand. ‘But now I think it’s time for me to return indoors. May the good Lord save me, here’s my escort.’ Mairi turned to see Tavie and Douglas approaching. ‘And you’ve spent too much time with a wounded old man when there are others who deserve your company more.’
Mairi returned his smile, again in wonder at how he always managed to make her feel better. Was it a skill all protectors had? She stood and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. ‘Get well, Balfour.’ She turned and with a nod to the healer and the steward, she walked back to her father and her three suitors.
Full dark had fallen some time ago but the day wasn’t over and her duties were ongoing. She would return to her glade, but right now she wanted to dance with her father. She did, and then danced again with each of her suitors, though this time she asked no questions and simply made herself enjoy their company.
She sipped her watered wine and listened to each man as they gave their opinion on different matters. From the king, to past battles, to the French and the weather. All shared their opinion
s with care and none imbibed of wine or ale too freely. It was time well spent, for she learned more about each of her suitors and their beliefs.
And all the while Mairi was aware of her temporary protector’s nearby presence. Strong, silent, secure.
Forbidden!
Her fingers curled into the fabric of her gown. What did he think of past battles the men spoke of? Which season did he prefer? Why had he named his horse Duncan?
She looked out into the crowd and spied Iain and the village woman, Paisley, at the edge of the stable, heads lowered and close, as if they shared a secret. A spurt of strange envy swept over her. Would she ever know such a closeness to the man she wed?
Mairi suddenly wished the night was over. Perhaps locked away alone within her chamber she’d be able to concentrate on making her decision, instead of focussing on wants and wishes and people who would never be hers.
She was no closer to making her choice and time was running out.
As if sensing her restlessness, her father said, ‘It has been a long and enjoyable day, but I fear I need to find my bed.’ A round of ayes and nods met his words.
‘I too am ready to retire for the night, Father,’ Mairi said calmly, hiding her relief and her concern for her sire. ‘But first I would like to give my thanks to Ranald, Angus and Ewan for being an important part of this Feast Day and for making it more special.’
A chorus of returned gratitude and compliments washed over Mairi. They really were all gentlemen and were all pleasant, which didn’t help her decision at all.
Her father took her hand and standing, placed it between his. ‘Gentlemen, tomorrow is an important day for all of us, but more so for my daughter.’ Each man acknowledged her father’s words by glancing at her and gracing her with a nod. ‘Please feel free to stay and enjoy the celebrations longer.’
Mairi stood, as did her potential husbands. All three approached and taking her free hand, delivered a kiss to the back of her fingers as they wished her goodnight.
Holding her father’s arm, they weaved their way through the throng to the outer stairs. There was no hurry in either of their steps, as if both were lost in things they wanted to say. Once indoors, her father paused at the base of the staircase. ‘I plan to visit the healing room and say goodnight to Balfour, so will leave you here.’ He took both of her hands. ‘Did you enjoy your day, Daughter?’
Mairi looked up into her father’s eyes. ‘I did, Father. Thank you for holding this day in my honour.’ Rising on her toes she pressed a swift kiss to his cheek.’
His fingers tightened on hers as she lowered her feet to the ground and risked another glimpse into his eyes. The blue depths swam with unshed moisture and Mairi felt the instant prickle of tears behind her own.
She blinked and said, ‘I know daughters and most women don’t have the chance to decide who they will wed and I want to thank you, Father, for gifting me with the final choice in whom I marry.’
Her father squeezed her fingers and peering down at her, studied her face as if committing it to memory. ‘This is a gift, Mairi, but it is also a heavy burden to bear.’
Mairi swallowed. She was suffering its weight, but she was determined to carry it alone until the end.
‘If it is too much, I am here to help and will make the final decision for you, if that’s what you want.’
Did he doubt she could carry it through? Had all her years of being the dutiful daughter been for naught? Did he not believe she had the strength, the will? She would make the final decision alone. She needed to prove to her father that she could do what was required of her when it really mattered.
‘I appreciate your offer, but you have done enough to help me already. The final decision is for me to make, alone.’
He searched her face, her eyes, as if he looked for something in particular. But what?
‘If you are happy to make your choice alone and are certain you have nae concerns of any kind,’ he paused, as if to give her time to admit she did have other concerns. ‘Then I will leave the choice in your capable hands.’ He squeezed her fingers again as if to assure her what he said was true.
But she had an awful suspicion he didn’t believe in her. Why else would he keep pressing her to tell him of something she knew nothing about?
‘I thank you for putting your trust in me, Father.’ She would ensure he never doubted her again. ‘I will see you at the table to break our fast.’
And to make my decision known.
Her father’s fingers tightened about hers once more and she felt a little tug toward him as if he wanted to pull her closer. Instead, he released her. She took one last look into his worried eyes, before lifting her skirts and climbing the torchlit steps.
As she climbed, she heard not a single sound, but didn’t need to see her protector to know he followed. But by all the stars in the heavens she wanted to look at him. Wanted to wait for him to catch up and to feel his arms enfold her. Wanted to rest her cheek upon his chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart. Wanted to hear the sound of his voice caress down over her, easing her fears and telling her everything would be alright.
She reached the landing to her chamber and wasn’t sure anything would ever be right.
He’d be gone tomorrow.
Resting her palms against her middle, she drew a deep breath and released it. Halfway across the landing, she turned. Her protector stopped and looked at her. Mairi stared. Drank in her fill. Couldn’t help herself. It was as if robbing herself of the sight of him only caused her struggle not to look at him to be far greater the next time he was near.
Her heart raced, her belly fluttered and something deep inside her was drawn to him across the landing, as if they were tethered to one another with invisible twine. Even as the thought passed through her mind, she found her feet moving toward him, the urge to be closer to him a need she had no will to stop.
She halted with an arm’s-length between them and again permitted her gaze to temporarily appease its unquenchable thirst. God and Mother Mary and all the saints above. He was the most handsome man she’d ever laid eyes upon. They’d shared such a short acquaintance, yet if she lived to be one hundred she’d never forget him or how he made her feel. But duty was more important than feelings and her torment was almost at an end. She must only survive the rest of this night and he would be gone from her life.
Drawing on her determination to honour her father, she said, ‘I thank you for protecting me and wish you well on your return home.’ Mairi was sure she glimpsed a look of wanting in his dark gaze, but it was swiftly gone. She silently prayed she’d won the battle of not allowing him to see it in hers.
‘The honour was mine,’ he said quietly. ‘I wish you well in your coming marriage.’
His voice was like honeyed mead to her senses. His dark gaze an open fire. They stared at one another across the small distance. His mouth—
The sound of a heavy tread on the stairs below saved her from her wanton thoughts. It was likely her father retiring after bidding Balfour goodnight.
Duff bowed and finally lowered his gaze, setting her free.
Mairi quickly turned and lifting her skirts, headed for her chamber. Her door loomed closer. Her steps slowed. She raised her hand and released the latch.
‘Good night, My Lady.’
His deep voice washed across her nape and down her back like the trickle of warm water. She stopped and closed her eyes to savour the tingle over her skin. When naught but gooseflesh remained, she lifted her lashes, forced her feet to move and without turning to look at him said, ‘Goodnight.’
***
Duff stared across the landing at the closed wooden door, his desperate longing to follow her inside so great, he clenched his fists to fight the urge. Her simple goodnight shot straight to his heart, for he knew it was really goodbye. He didn’t want to leave. Her.
Her wide blue eyes appeared darker in the shadows and her long, fair lashes were tipped with red by the flickering flames from the tor
ches on the walls. Soft pink, the colour that often infused the sky at the setting of the sun, splashed the smooth skin covering her cheeks. Her full lips, lips he ached to taste, rose-hued and slightly parted as she stared at him. Stared at him with the same intense longing he’d witnessed on their morning ride the day before.
God’s mercy. He wanted her. Wanted Mairi more than anything he’d ever wanted in his life. And, if he believed correctly, she wanted him, too. But wanting him wasn’t enough to make her forsake her duty. Tomorrow she’d choose another man as her husband.
The sound of footsteps climbing the stairs had broken the spell they’d fallen under.
‘Do you plan to stand there and guard Mairi all night?’ Alastair Gordon said, joining him on the landing.
He forced a smile for the laird. Alastair knew he’d find a few hours of sleep during the night and then return to his post early in the morning. Whatever he did, it was going to be a long night.
The laird stood beside him and looked at the closed door. After several moments he’d breathed a huge sigh. ‘Are you leaving tomorrow?’
‘As soon as the morning meal is done,’ Duff said.
As soon as your daughter has named the fortunate man.
‘Then come and share a farewell drink with me.’
Alastair turned and started up the steps to his chamber above. Duff paused, torn by his duty to guard the man’s daughter for a little longer this night and his personal invitation.
The laird turned and peered down at him. ‘I commend you on your commitment to your duty, Duff, but Mairi has much to think about and is safe within her own chamber.’ Duff gazed toward the closed door. ‘I will not keep you long,’ Alastair assured him. Duff heard the smile in the man’s voice before he turned and saw it. There would be no time for farewells the morn.
‘Very well.’
Duff climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. He’d been on this level once before to view the weapon room, but had never been inside the laird’s chamber.
Alastair pushed the heavy timber door inward and went inside. ‘Close the door behind you.’
The Protector Page 21