by Rachel Kane
I looked back at him. I was almost unable to speak. “Why?” I finally got out.
He glanced away from me, as though too bashful to maintain eye contact. “I think I’ve spent the entire time we’ve known each other not seeing you,” he said. A worried look at me: “Please don’t say anything snarky in response.”
“No,” I said.
“Sometimes I feel like I only see things when I can touch them,” he said. “My eyes lie to me, my mind lies to me, but my hands never lie. I remembered touching your face, and--”
“Sergio, no, you can’t do this,” I said. I didn’t want to be toyed with. I didn’t want my emotions to be sent into turmoil. I just wanted to be alone and forget everything that had happened.
Didn’t I?
“I was so stupid,” he said. “I thought, if I could sculpt you, if I could show you that I was trying to see the real you, that maybe this would be an apology. I don’t expect anything out of you, Marcus. You don’t have to accept my apology, you don’t have to be nice or anything. But I want you to know that I know I hurt you. Unfairly.”
I ran my fingers over the ice; they skipped and stuck, and I pulled them free. “Do you even understand what you’re apologizing for?”
“Well, I was talking to Rhody--”
“Jesus, Sergio!”
“No! No, listen! It wasn’t like that. I didn’t ask her anything. But she told me something that she thought I should know, and she made me swear to keep it a secret.”
“Which is basically how all gossip works.”
“Damn, Marcus, will you just listen? I didn’t know what happened to you. I was so caught up in trying to protect myself from being manipulated, that I overreacted.”
“When have I ever given you the impression that I care about manipulating people?”
He leaned against the freezer wall and sighed. “I’m not explaining myself very well.”
“Maybe you should stop trying to explain yourself,” I said. “Maybe you try so hard to justify your actions, that you don’t pay attention to their effects. I don’t care why you hurt me. It’s the hurt itself that’s the problem.”
“But if I could just make you understand--”
I was beginning to shiver from the cold in here. “Understand what?”
“That we’re the same, basically. You and me. We’ve both been hurt really bad--in some of the same ways. We’ve picked our own methods to prevent that. You with your self-reliance, me with my self-protection, but they come from the same place, don’t they?”
“So your apology is basically you did it too? You really are terrible at this, Sergio. Look, I appreciate the work you did on my face there. It’s really cool. But you hurt me in a way I haven’t been hurt in a long time. And if all you’ve got to offer me is rationalizations--”
“I was trying to control you,” he said, in a voice choked with anguish.
“What?”
“Not consciously. Not like Xavier. But it’s the same thing. Making you wear my clothes, trying to get you to take money for college, hell, even the first pass I made at you, it was all about control. That’s the other side of the self-protection. I’m so terrified of being out of control.”
“But I’m not a danger to you. I never was. You didn’t have to control me.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I realize that, now that it’s too late. I was trying to hold you so tight, not realizing that what I was really doing was pushing you away. Hell, maybe somewhere in my brain that made sense, that if I pushed you away, I wouldn’t risk getting hurt. But that’s a really fucked-up strategy, isn’t it? Because here I am, hurt.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. He really did look like he’d lost his last friend on earth. The urge to go over and hold him was almost overwhelming.
“Why couldn’t you have said all this earlier?” I asked, pain in my voice. “When I was telling you how I felt about your offer of college, why didn’t you just say oh by the way, this is about controlling you?”
“I didn’t know. I didn’t realize. It wasn’t until Rhody told me about what happened to you that I saw the pattern of people who had hurt you--and realized how well I fit that pattern.”
“It’s not fair!” I said. “All you had to do was not hurt me.”
“I know!”
We stood in silence for a moment. I had my arms crossed, trying to keep myself warm. I could have walked out of the freezer...but I discovered that I didn’t want to. Not while we were getting things out in the open.
“I didn’t break your damned sculpture, by the way,” I said.
“I wasn’t going to ask about it.”
“I mean, I contributed to its breakage. Your bestie Hunter was in here spitting his poison at me, and I took him down. Your sculpture was collateral damage.”
“Hunter did look kind of bad at the ceremony.”
“And you want to talk about being manipulated by psychos, seriously Sergio, Hunter lives for this shit. Why in a million years would you ever listen to him?”
“I don’t know. Because I was mad. Because I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, and needed an excuse to get away from you.” He looked down at the floor. “You punched him?”
“I messed him up. But don’t worry about him; Josh will keep him warm at night.”
“Ugh. Bad decision-making on Josh’s part.”
“I’m sorry I destroyed the sculpture, though,” I said. “Although damn, when they wheeled it out and it looked like people screaming--”
Sergio nodded. “Well, they have been calling my work harrowing lately.”
I looked down at my bouquet. It was covered in ice crystals. I couldn’t stay in here much longer.
When I looked up, Sergio had that intense look on his face I’d come to recognize. I felt tense. Was he about to tell me goodbye? After all, we’d said our apologies. What else was left?
“Here’s the thing,” he said. “I have nothing to go back home to.”
“I think you stole my line. What are you talking about? You’ve got your work, all your friends, everything. I’m the one who’s going to have to start from scratch the minute I get off the plane.”
“Oceanside is full of people who saw how I was powerless against my ex. It’s full of people like Harris and Hunter. And worse, our little circle of friends who aren’t psychos, are all going to hate me because I broke up with you.”
“Yeah, probably you shouldn’t have done that.”
“So I’m going to stay here.”
“You...what? Here?”
“Not at the hotel, I mean. But I think I’m going to stay on the island a while. It’s really beautiful, you know? And I don’t know anybody, so I can start fresh.”
I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “So when I go back...I just won’t see you anymore?”
“You wouldn’t want to,” he said. “Aren’t we back to being enemies again?”
“I don’t want to be your enemy, Sergio.”
“I don’t want to be yours. But I also don’t want to keep hurting you.”
“Then don’t,” I said. “Dude, I’m pretty good at letting you know when you say something that hurts me. When I do that, just...stop, you know? But you don’t have to abandon Oceanside or your friends or anything.”
“Yeah, but I can’t. I can’t see you at Nat and Owen’s. I can’t see you around town. It’ll hurt too much.”
“Wow, you really aren’t good with conversation, are you? I’m saying...”
He kept telling me that the way he saw best, was through his hands. I moved towards him and put my arms around him.
He started, “Do you mean--”
I silenced him with a kiss. His arms slipped around me, and he held me so tight.
When we finally broke I said, “That’s what I mean. I can’t stand not being around you. I can’t stand the thought of going home to my stupid life all alone. I hate being self-reliant. I don’t even think that’s the right term for what I am. I
just shove everybody away and hope they won’t hurt me.”
“If you’re serious about this, you’ll never be able to shove me away again,” he said. “But I promise never to offer you anything of financial value ever again.”
I laughed. “Are you sure? Because I am broke. But yeah, you know what? You offer me whatever you want, and if I’m uncomfortable, I’ll tell you, and you’ll apologize. And if I do something stupid, you’ll tell me--and only me, with no running around to everyone we know--and I’ll apologize.”
“God, that sounds like a lot of apologizing.” He kissed me again. “I wonder what our friends will say when we tell them?”
I shook my head. “Let’s never tell them. Let’s never tell anybody anything ever again. If I never hear another rumor about myself, it’ll be too soon.”
“Good,” he said. “It’ll be our big awkward secret. Although...Marcus?”
“Yes?”
“Can we get out of the freezer? I think I may die of frostbite.”
25
Sergio: Leap Of Faith
The sky was deep blue, and I felt I finally understood what that meant. Deep, like your eye could travel infinite depths into it, like you could just go deeper and deeper and never reach the end. I was standing on the edge of the tall cliff, my bare toes just barely over the side. The wind off the ocean was strong, and I let it sway me back and forth.
“Are you ready?” said Marcus. His skin glowed in the sun. He’d gotten tan recently. The small trunks he was wearing concealed practically nothing, and I found it hard to stand near him without wanting to touch him.
“Not a chance,” I said, my heart beating quickly. I needed him to wait a minute. I had something for him.
We’d outlasted them all. Neither of us was ready to go home, and honestly the days leading up to the ceremony had been such a whirlwind that we felt like we deserved to stay a little longer.
The hotel still had the Presidential Suite open, and we took it, and had days of room service, massages, pedicures and facials. It wasn’t that we needed pampering, but it was such a treat to see Marcus’ reaction to it all. We had lunch out on the helipad, our table right in the middle of the big H painted on the macadam. We’d explored the island, end to end, and Marcus had introduced me to a little ginja bar that kept us busy for an extraordinarily boozy evening.
I’d been working, too. Just carvings, really, working on the volcanic stone you could find here and there on the island. But I could already tell a difference in my work. The peace had come back to it. I could again find the beauty in a long curve of stone, and quiet of mind as I worked it, knowing Marcus was sitting nearby watching me.
Still, there was the matter of the cliff. Even though we’d been back to it a few times during our vacation, we’d never done this before. I looked down. “You’re sure it’s safe,” I said. It wasn’t a question.
“I mean, nothing’s perfectly safe. Just crossing the road could be--”
“I’m not crossing the road,” I said. “It’s more like falling off a building.”
“No rocks. Nothing but clear, gorgeous water.” He smiled at me. “Are you scared?”
“Terrified,” I said.
He shrugged. “Me too, actually.”
“I mean, there could be sharks.”
“You could forget how to swim.”
“Just the force of impact of the surface of the water--”
He asked, “Are you trying to talk yourself out of it?”
I shook my head. “Just trying to understand the risks.”
He took my hand in his. I marveled at the heat radiating off of him. “I guarantee you, what happens to you when you hit the water is going to be so much safer than when you finally tell your parents that we’re together.”
I squeezed his hand. “At least you’ll be there when I tell them.”
“It’s the one thing I look forward to, when we get back. Telling people. Everybody.”
“I thought you said--”
“It’s not a rumor if I tell them.”
I pulled him close, and kissed him. “Here’s to our new life. No more gossip, no more assumptions, no more anything.”
“If you’re trying to distract me, it’s not working.”
“Okay, let me try to distract you one more way,” I said.
“Not again!” he said, laughing. “How do you have the energy for another round?”
“Not that,” I said. I reached into the pocket of my old-man trunks. “I have something for you.”
“A gift?”
I shrugged. I began to kneel, and his eyes widened in amazement when he saw the small box in my hand.
“Marcus, I know we haven’t known each other long, but I feel like we’ve known each other intensely. From hate to love and back again, finally winding up here in this beautiful place. Over the past few days I’ve realized, I’m not ready for this to end. The vacation part of it, sure. We can pack up and go home. But the us part of it...I never want that to end. Will you be my husband?”
I opened the box and he gasped. “Did...did you make that?” he asked.
The ring was dark, smooth volcanic stone. It wouldn’t hold much detail, but I’d polished it until it shone in the sun. “I made it for you,” I said. “If you’ll be mine.”
He held out his hand, a look of awe on my face as I slid the ring on his finger.
“I don’t believe it,” he said. “To go from fist-fights to weddings...you’re right, we have known each other intensely. I’m so shocked. I mean, I love you, Sergio, it’s just that I never expected...someone to love me back. Someone who cared as much as you do.”
I stood and put my arms around him. “I want you with me forever.”
“I will stay with you until the end of time,” he said. “As long as you do one thing for me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
He laughed and faced the cliff again. “Come on. Let’s do it. Let’s take the leap.”
“Are you sure?”
He glanced back at me just once, his ring glinting in the light. “I’m sure.” Then he was in the air, launching himself, his tanned body streaking downward.
I followed. The ocean wind beat against me, and for an exhilarating moment I felt my entire life flash before my eyes, except it wasn’t the life I’d already lived, it was my future: Marrying Marcus, finding a place to settle down. Kids, a dog. A new studio. I saw it all, in an instant. A life of love and joy, being surrounded by people who built us up, who cared. A life with Marcus.
Then I hit the water, and the entire world slowed down.
Blue, it was all blue. The seabed stretched on forever, dotted with shells. Schools of fish, startled by our presence, flashed by. There, almost within arm’s reach, was Marcus, swimming towards me.
The water was cold as ice, but as his arms encircled me, as we swam upwards towards the surface, towards the sun, I felt like I had never been warmer in all my life.
THE END
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More Gay Romance from Rachel Kane!
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