by Amy Daws
“And what’s that?” he barks, annoyed.
My eyes turn to slits. “You’re no different than all the other men that have cast me aside for dead.”
His frustrated eyes turn glossy and panicky. “Of course I’m different,” he croaks. I move to step away from him, but his hand grips mine to the point that I could wince. “No, Vi,” his voice trembles.
I smile sadly at him. “None of this matters, Hayden. Just as I feel unlovable, you can’t accept love. Let’s not make this harder than it has to be.” I move to walk away and he yanks me back toward him, his hand crawling around my waist in a desperate attempt to pull me against his body.
In a flash, Gareth is beside me, gripping Hayden’s forearms so hard I can see his knuckles turning white. “You’re done, Hayden,” he threatens.
Hayden instantly lets go, staring at me like I’ve just committed the ultimate betrayal. And with that, I turn and walk away, holding my head up high and praying to the good Lord that he can’t see my shoulders shaking with my silent sobs.
PLAN A
Well that went as good as fuck all, I think to myself as we pull up in a limo in front of the Bleeding Heart Tavern in Farringdon where the reception is already in full swing. I was moody and contemplative the entire joy ride around London. Thankfully, Leslie and Theo just let me stew. One way or another, I have to get Vi to listen to what I have to say. If I can just get past her thick fucking brother.
All of her brothers did a proper job of scaring me off all week. They parked outside of C. Designs, or drove by over and over and over. Any time I had the urge to walk to Vi’s and beg her forgiveness, one of them was there…staring me down like they wanted to use my head as a football. So, much to my great dismay, I withheld calling Vi and ruminated over it the entire week. I anticipated tonight being the night that I’d get her to hear everything I needed to say.
I never once suspected that she’d bring a bloody bodyguard with her.
Round one goes to Bunny.
We waltz into the tavern and Jaci no K is there to greet us. “Okay everyone, you’re going to follow me. We’re going to enter the reception where Theo and Leslie will cut the cake and then immediately begin their first dance.”
“What about refreshments?” Frank croaks from somewhere behind me.
Jaci cuts him an evil glance. “There is a bar downstairs. You may grab a beverage as soon as the first dance begins. Not before. Not. Before.” Her eyes turn glacial.
“Blimey,” Frank murmurs beneath his breath. “Scary bird.” Leslie giggles into Theo’s shoulder as he whispers something in her ear. The two look like a couple of horny teenagers while we wait for Jaci to walk us down.
“You…boy,” Jaci says, snapping her fingers in my direction. “You will hold the baby during the first dance. The mother of the groom has her down there now. We want her to be able to enjoy her son’s first dance, so you shall fetch her.”
“Her name is Marisa,” I mumble.
“I know!” she snaps back defensively. “Marisa Winifred Clarke. Her birthday is March 11th and she’s got two teeth coming in already, which is unusually early for a three-month-old baby, but not unheard of.”
My brows lift. Round two goes to Jaci no K.
She whisks us down to the lower level, 600-year-old converted wine cellar. It’s apparently where Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon hosted a five-day party in the 1500s. It’s an impressive crypt full of exposed beams and candlelit oval tables. Every table is overwhelmed by spreads of wildflowers, as well as overflowing baskets scattered throughout the cosy room.
Jaci walks us by the filled tables where people have been eating hors d’oeuvres and sipping champagne for the past hour. We pause near the head table at the front of the room and wait patiently as Leslie scoops Marisa up into her arms from our mum. Leslie presses her lips to Marisa’s chubby cheeks, and I can’t tear my eyes away from my brother as he watches Leslie with a fondness that can’t be faked. Christ, he really loves her.
I quickly scan the room for Vi but come up empty-handed. Gareth is sitting next to Benji and what look like the rest of Leslie’s coworkers from Nikon. He scowls at me angrily and I just shake my head. I refuse to let him intimidate me. I don’t care how many bloody goals he’s stopped.
I chug down some water at the head table as Theo and Leslie cut the cake. Jaci no K snaps her fingers and two busboys come fumbling in to roll the cake away. Leslie looks over to me as the music for their first dance begins. I grin happily and stride over, pulling a face at Marisa as I approach. She flails her arms happily when I scoop her into my chest.
We retreat to a safe distance as Theo pulls Leslie against him. “Mummy and Daddy loved you enough to include you in the ceremony, but some things are just better for two people,” I whisper into Marisa’s ear. She lets out a mighty giggle as I nuzzle her neck with my chin. Leslie and Theo look over at me and smile as I sway her along with the notes of Ingrid Michaelson’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” The candlelight twinkles on the two of them, moving together to the music, and I can’t help but think back to the night I asked Vi to dance with me in her living room. My heart sinks.
“Hey,” a voice says from behind me, interrupting my wayward thoughts.
I turn to find Rey standing behind me, looking a little sheepish in a black floor-length gown.
“Hiya,” I say cautiously, recalling our last encounter not going so well.
Glancing down at Marisa, she smiles and reaches her hand out to her in a greeting. “Look, I just want to apologise for the other night at Frank’s. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She looks back up at me and pushes a hand through her long dark hair. “I guess I just still feel protective of you. I’m having a harder time than I thought letting you go.”
I frown and shift Marisa into my other arm. “There’s no need for you to worry about me anymore, Rey. I’m doing fine. I have a very solid support network around me.”
“I know,” she says with a sigh. “I see that and I guess I’m just maybe a little jealous.”
My brows lift. “Jealous?”
“You and I were codependent on each other, Hayden. For a long time…you were my crutch and I was yours. Just because I started going to therapy and you went to rehab doesn’t erase all of our history.”
“I know, Rey. But things are different now. I’m working on my own kind of happy.”
“Liam says you’re not seeing Vi anymore,” she states brazenly.
My jaw clenches. Reyna never was one to mince words. “Liam doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Don’t get defensive, Hayden,” she retorts. “Tell me what happened.”
“It’s complicated, Rey.” I pull Marisa up to my neck and tuck my head on top of her.
“Well, Hayden, I have a feeling you and I are cut from the same cloth when it comes to relationships and letting people in. And if you’re going through what I did last year, I don’t envy you.”
“Thanks for the pep talk, coach,” I reply dryly.
She giggles. “You’ll figure it out. If she’s worth it, you’ll figure it out.”
She turns and begins walking away, but before she gets too far, I call out, “Got any advice?”
She turns her head and purses her lips to the side for a moment. Finally, she replies, “Don’t waste another moment. Wasted moments are hard to overcome.” She smiles knowingly as she retreats, leaving me there holding the only woman in the world who has never doubted for a second my level of devotion to her.
After the dance, dinner is served. I can barely stand watching Vi from across the room like this. Ethan slithers over at one point while Gareth is at the bar and I nearly crawled out of my skin with rage in that brief moment. Thankfully, he got distracted by a properly pissed Julie who, out of nowhere, leapt on his back, and I haven’t seen the two of them since.
Seeing Gareth up at the bar nursing a beer, inspiration strikes. Maybe if I can get through to him, I can get through to Vi. I stride over to
him, wishing like fuck I wasn’t wearing braces right now. Hip or not, waltzing up to a professional footballer in a three piece suit while I’m dressed like Stephan Fry isn’t exactly a confidence booster.
“What the hell do you want?” Gareth drawls and slides his phone back into his pocket.
“I want to talk to you,” I state seriously.
“You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
He moves to walk away, so I place a firm hand on his shoulder to stop him. “The way I see it, you’re the one obstacle between me and Vi right now, so you’re exactly the tree I need to pee on.”
He roars with laughter and lifts his brows at my hand on his shoulder. It’s a silent warning. I move my hand. “Hayden. You’re underestimating my sister. I’m not the one you should be troubling over. She’s got it in her head that you don’t care for her and that shite is an issue for her. A big one. You’re lucky I’m not wringing your fucking neck for causing her this much pain.”
“Well, why aren’t you then?” I ask in a weak moment of flippant defensiveness. I’m tired of the empty threats. The drive-bys. The brooding glowers. Fuck! I’ve had enough.
He closes his eyes for a moment before opening them and glaring at me. “Look, Hayden. I don’t have a mum anymore. All I have…is her.” He points back at the table where Vi is laughing at something Benji just said. “That’s the single most important woman in my life right now. So you’ll forgive me and my brothers for being a bit protective. We liked you mate. You were in…and that’s not a fucking easy feat with Harris brothers. In fact, it’s unprecedented. But you trashed it. You spit on it…on us…on her. You’re not getting through to her again.”
I slice my hands through my hair in frustration. “Don’t you get that is exactly why I’m fucking staying away from her?” I growl angrily. “Caring for people is what got me into trouble in the first place. So protect her all you want, mate. That’s all I was trying to do too. And last week, I thought protecting her involved me leaving her. But that was before.”
“Before what?”
“Before I got a clue. Before I had the wakeup call of my life.” I clench my jaw and eye him seriously adding, “Before I realised I didn’t just like your sister.”
His eyes flash knowingly, but he’s still not convinced. “You should have known that long before now, mate.” He moves to walk away again and I jerk him back…again.
Through desperate, clenched teeth, I add, “This isn’t just a flippant kind of feeling to me, Gareth. It’s something I’ve never felt before. With anyone.” He huffs out a laugh, but I continue, “It’s the kind of love we all bore witness to in that chapel today.”
Gareth’s amusement drops and his jaw clenches, an angry muscle in it ticks ominously. My big mouth refuses to take a hint. “Your sister is mine, Gareth. She’s tied to my heart whether you accept it or not.”
“Is that right?” He squints in challenge.
“She’s my forever,” I add seriously, surprising even myself with that statement.
His glower drops and he leans closer in to me. “Then what the fuck are you waiting for?”
RUINED
“All men are fucking wankers,” Julie snaps, flopping down into the open seat beside me. Her posture and scowling expression are at complete odds with her gorgeous little black dress and perfect hair and makeup. She begins ripping bobby pins out of her updo and tossing them into the centre of the table. “Stupid, spiteful, ball-less wankers. They all shave their balls now because one person got it in their head that it makes their cocks look bigger. All it does is make them look like pussies. The lot of them.”
I bite back the urge to laugh because Julie is obviously not in a joking mood. “Everything okay, Julie?”
She looks at me like I have three heads. “No! It’s not okay! Christ! My life is so far from okay that the word should start with an F and end with UCKED.” She rips the final bobby pin out with a mighty tug and her thick black hair cascades down to her shoulders. She leans into me with a deathly serious look. “Let me give you a piece of advice, Vi. You think women’s lib has evolved our species. It hasn’t. And if you ever get the fucking stupid idea that you want to drop down on one knee and start your happily ever after your bloody self, then you’ve just kissed a three-year relationship goodbye.”
My eyes turn wide. “You proposed to Mitch?”
Pure rage seethes in the blacks of her eyes as she stands back up and musses her hair wildly. She turns to leave but pauses and leans down to add, “Mitch buggered off faster than I could stand back up. If you’re on your knees and you don’t have a cock in your mouth, then you’ve just dug your own grave, my girl.”
She strides off toward the bar and whacks shoulders with Gareth as he comes back toward the table.
“Care to dance?” A male voice utters in my ear. I glance up and take in Ethan’s blue eyes that contrast stunningly against his latte skin. He really is a striking specimen of a man.
“She’s taken,” Gareth booms from behind me.
I turn and frown at his widen stance. “And she can speak for herself,” I snap. I look back to Ethan. “I’m not taken, but I’m also not interested. Thanks anyway.”
“Suit yourself. Jules will be back anyway,” he grins naughtily. “They always do.” I blanch at the blatant innuendo and my eyes catch sight of Hayden storming right this way.
Knowing I’d really rather not be at a table in front of all of my coworkers when Hayden’s caveman comes out, I hop to my feet. “I’m just running to the toilet,” I murmur, holding down the light chiffon fabric that flows a bit too easily as I make haste.
I swerve between the tables and out into the narrow stone-covered hallway that’s barely illuminated by a few flickering candle sconces on the wall. Feeling Hayden’s presence approaching as if I’m some type of psychic channeling into his energy, I tuck into a tiny dark alcove that houses row after row of dusty bottles of wine.
“Seriously, you’re hiding from me now?” Hayden barks as he comes to a stop in the shallow arched entryway.
“Not hiding. Just curious about this bottle here,” I state pragmatically while dusting off a bottle of wine. “Wow 1821, think it was a good year?”
He ducks his head to enter the small space and my heart instantly seizes. His scent, his aura, his presence…It’s overwhelming. He grasps the bottle in my hand and our fingers brush. A sharp intake of air on my part doesn’t go unnoticed by him. His pupils glitter within the grey depths of his eyes as he watches me for a few seconds. “Vi, please hear me out,” he states softly while carefully returning the bottle to its shelf.
“It’s really not necessary, Hayden.” I swallow hard, attempting not to let that tortured, beautifully broken face pull me in. “You said a lot to me that day in Notting Hill. Things that I won’t be forgetting.”
He blinks as if in pain. “Vi, what that lady said scared the shit out of me. Surely you can see why.”
I shrug my shoulders, doing my best not to look like I’ve just been punched in the gut again. “I get it, Hayden. I don’t need you rubbing salt in the open wound.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he warns, his eyes narrowing to slits.
I shake my head, not allowing him out of this one so easily. “Just say it, Hayden. I know it’s me. I’m unlovable or unspecial…or something that makes you not want to jump in with me. Your first impression of me should have been a warning sign that I really was nothing more than a simple distraction. I mean look, you loved Reyna so easily. You told me you fell in love with her and that was after you told me you two knew nothing about each other! How do you think that makes me feel after we’ve shared so much?”
“I had years with Reyna, Vi,” he snaps, raking his hands through his hair in the dim lighting. “Years of time for me to build her up to be more than she ever was.”
“Stop. This is rubbish. You loved her. You said she broke your heart when you said those words to her. I’ve never said those words to any man, Hayden. Only yo
u! Now my heart is broken more than I ever thought possible,” my voice rises with a maniacal giggle. “And, Christ, I’m such a loser thinking I had found someone who could actually love me back.”
“I was lying, Vi!” he shouts, rattling the bottles around us and leaning down to capture my gaze with his. “I was lying to myself most of all. I’ve been lying to myself since the moment I first laid eyes on you at the White Swan.”
He grips my face firmly in his hands and every part of his body trembles with fear as he utters, “Vi, just as you’ve always feared you’re unlovable, I fear that I can’t love you. I am fucking terrified when I look into your eyes and tell you things because I feel like I am being understood. Possibly for the first time in my entire life. But if I can’t love you the way you deserve, what could that do to you? I’m trying to protect you! Don’t you see that? My past…Christ! I just wish my past wouldn’t—”
“Oh, stop wishing away your past, Hayden!” I snap, pulling my face from his grasp. “Start wishing to make the most of your future for a change. You don’t get it. I would have given myself to you. Completely. I would have been yours and let you shove and manhandle any bloke who came within miles of me. Because by you doing that, it meant that you’d be mine as well.” I reach up and brush back a piece of his hair that’s sticking up. The sensation is a punishing stroke on my broken heart.
“Vi, just listen.” He closes his eyes at my betraying caress. “You are in my heart. You’re like a thread tied around it. It hurts and it’s uncomfortable, but it’s embedded so deep that it’s a part of me now. I can see a life with you. A forever life. A place I will want to be sad, angry, happy, delirious. These past few years have been riddled with lows for me. But the past six weeks…all of my highs…have included you.”
“Hayden, stop.” Tears fall down my cheeks as my façade of dismissiveness begins cracking.
“Love me still. Please,” he begs, his hands trembling against my cheeks.
I shake my head, refusing to accept the pain on his face. The pain that he caused me now reflecting back. “I can’t, Hayden. It’s too late,” my voice cracks. I turn to hide my tears and, without warning, he moves into me and yanks my face to his.