Sublime Wreckage

by Charlene Zapata

  "It was nice. Very, very nice." I watch his eyes drift down to my mouth pausing there for what feels like an eternity before bringing them back up to my eyes.

  "Let's get out of here." He takes his hand off my face but it never leaves my body. He slides it down my side then takes my hand. We say our goodbyes to Amanda and Tommy.

  We spend the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon at the creek. I'm really falling in love with this place. The flowers have started to disappear as it gets colder and colder. But the trees surrounding this area have all turned into beautiful fall colors. I know it's the same place but it almost feels different. I can feel the change in the air. The buildup of winter coming. I can't wait to see the beauty Vince described when the creek freezes over.

  "What are you thinking about?" Vincent looks over at me from his rock. We seem to gravitate toward the same spot each time we come here. It's become very comfortable.

  "I was just thinking about turning 18. It's a big milestone. I wish my dad could see me now."

  "I know what you mean. I think that's the hardest part of losing a parent so young. You don't realize everything they are going to miss. It hit me really hard when I moved out and started my own business. All I could think about was how proud my dad would be. But he isn't around to see it."

  "Sometimes I wonder if they can see us. I have moments in my life where it feels like my dad is with me, watching out for me. Do you ever feel that way?"

  "I don't know. Maybe if I let myself believe in something more, maybe I could feel him. I would like to think it's true. That they are watching over both of us. Maybe that's why I love coming to this place so much. It reminds me of my dad and makes me feel close to him even though he's gone."

  We sit peacefully watching the sun glimmer off the water. I think we are both lost in thought. Remembering our fathers together. It's nice to have someone to talk to about my dad. Someone who understands because they have been through something similar. I finally tell Vince my stomach has to have food. He gets down from the rock and walks over to me. I stand up waiting for him to take my hand. It's what we always do. He usually holds my hand leading me back to the truck. But today he pauses, standing right in front of me.

  "Maggie, I need to ask you something. I need for you to be honest with me. Can you do that?"

  "Yes." That's all I can manage to get out. I swallow hard waiting for him to continue.

  "Do you think that friends can have more without ruining the friendship? Because I don't know how much longer I can be around you without kissing you. But I don't want to lose what we already have together. You mean so much to me. I can't picture my life without you in it. So if you think we can't have more tell me before I kiss you." I'm stunned. I never expected those words to come out of his mouth. I mean I know we have chemistry. I know we both feel it but I didn't realize he was ready for more. I don't know how to respond. I want him to kiss me. I want it so damn bad. But I don't want to lose him either. I don't want to ruin what we have. I feel like I'm so cautious with every person around me, never letting anyone get too close. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to let him in. So I do.

  "Kiss me."

  Vincent stares into my eyes for a moment trying to decipher if I mean what I'm saying. Making sure I really want this. I don't know exactly what he sees but I feel him inching closer and closer to my body. His lips are right in front of mine. I can feel his warm breath whispering into my mouth. He wraps one arm around my waist bringing my body flush against his. He puts his other hand on my neck wrapping it around the back of my head so I'm secure in his grasp. I couldn't move away even if I wanted to. But I don't. I want this. I want to know what it feels like to kiss your best friend. My heart is racing in anticipation. Every move he makes seems slow and deliberate.

  I feel him inhale a sharp breath before his mouth comes crashing down on mine. I thought it was going to be a soft, sweet kiss but instead it's full of passion. I wrap my arms around his neck pulling him closer. He kisses me hard and fast. My entire body is on fire. It's like being woken from a sound sleep to burning everywhere. Every place he touches me I feel it deep within my core. I have never experienced passion like this before. It's like we can't seem to get enough of each other. It's consuming every part of my body. I feel his hand grabbing my hair so I run my hands up his neck in response. And then the kiss starts to slow down. He starts giving me little kisses on my lips, then he moves to my neck, then my ear. Is he trying to drive me crazy? Because it's working. I don't even realize it until it's too late but I moan loudly in his ear. That starts the frenzy all over again. His mouth is back on mine devouring it. He tastes so damn good. I want this moment to last forever. Whatever line there was before we both just crossed it. I just hope we didn't make a mistake.

  My body is enveloped into his. I can't seem to figure out where he begins and I end. We start to slow things down. Our kisses become more tender, sweet even. Our breathing returns to normal and I finally open my eyes. I want to see the expression on his face.

  "That was amazing. I have never felt anything like that. Have you?"

  "No." I don't have any other words. The look on his face says it all. He is truly in awe. I move my hand slowly to the side of his face gently running it back and forth over his jaw. "That was incredible. Why did we wait so long to do that?"

  "I think it had something to do with this very stubborn girl standing in front of me. I could be wrong, but as I recall I wanted to go out with her from the first moment we met."

  "I don't remember that. Not even a little." I laugh then lean up and kiss his lips again. Just a small subtle kiss on his gorgeous mouth. "If we start up again we may never leave and I'm starving!" That makes him laugh so hard my body starts to shake. We are still in our embrace when he leans down to give me one last kiss.

  "Okay. Let's go before your stomach tries to eat me!" He takes my hand leading us back to the truck. I decide to move over to the middle and snuggle up next to him as he drives us back to town. I feel good about our decision to take things further. It just feels right. It's always felt right with Vince. I have never wanted to be with someone this badly. I want him anyway I can have him. I thought friendship was all we would have together but now I see the possibilities and it makes me smile.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Just as we are about to pull into Vince's driveway, my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket not bothering to check who is calling.

  "Hello?"

  "Maggie, get your ass home now!" I sit up quickly moving away from Vince. My stomach instantly starts doing somersaults inside my body. Oh no. What did I do? What could she be so upset about? I start racking my brain but keep coming up empty.

  "Yes Ma'am." That's all I say. The inside of the truck is so small that even though I moved away, I can't tell if Vince heard her screaming in my ear. I hang up the phone trying to act as if everything is fine.

  "I gotta get home. Sorry." I can't look at him. I just have a feeling he would be able to see right through me. It would just take one look for him to know just how terrified I am right now.

  "Is everything okay?" I can't lie to him. Not now. Not after what we just shared together. So I say the only thing I can.

  "I don't know. I just have to get home right now." I start twisting my fingers and shaking my leg nervously up and down. Vince pulls up to his house so I can jump out and grab my stuff. I'm back in the truck in less than two minutes. Once we reach the park I quickly get out. I don't want him asking anymore questions that I can't answer. Just before I shut the door I happen to catch the expression on his face. Oh no. Why did I have to look up? He seems so worried.

  "Magnolia, is everything alright? Do you want to go home? I can help you. Anything you need, I will do for you. Anything." I look deep into his eyes and know that every word out of his mouth is true.

  "Vincent please. I can't do this right now. I have to go. I will text you later." I shut the door to his truck hoping that I didn't just do something
that can't be undone. I walk as quickly as possible until I reach my front door. I still can't think of a single reason why she would be so angry. Of course she doesn't always need a reason. But I haven't been home since Friday morning. What in the world set her off?

  My whole body is tense from the anticipation. I have no idea what to expect. I slowly open the front door waiting to be ambushed. It's when I close the door behind me that I hear her yelling.

  "Get your ass in here now!" She's in my bedroom. This isn't the first time she has gone through my things and I'm sure it won't be the last. The question is, what could she have possible found that would cause this strong of a reaction? I'm pretty careful about not leaving anything personal where she could find it.

  The second I round the corner of the hallway she is in my face waving a piece of paper in front of me, screaming.

  "What the hell is this? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you?"

  "No Ma'am." I can't tell what is written on the paper but I notice a letter grade at the top right corner. Written in a bold red ink is the letter A. I still can't place it. And why would she be so upset over a homework assignment?

  "Do you think I don't know what this poem is about? That I'm some kind of idiot? Is this what you do? Spread lies about me to your teachers? Making it sound like I don't deserve your love but giving it to me anyway! Do you think I'm that pitiful that I need your love so desperately?" She starts pointing her finger into my chest while getting closer and closer until I'm trapped up against the wall. She is in my face screaming so loud I think my ear drums might burst. Fear is coursing through every vein in my body. My heartbeat is vibrating in my head like someone is hitting it with a drum stick over and over. I can't move. Not just because she has me trapped but because my body won't allow it. My natural reaction is to freeze. It's like an instinct to stay as still as possible because any sudden movement could make this a whole lot worse.

  The damn poem. I can't believe I even brought it home. Just because she didn't finish high school doesn't mean she isn't bright. Over the years she has dabbled in every subject you can think of including poetry. As my mind is trying to think of what to say she starts shoving me into my room. Probably so she can have more room to swing at me. She is pushing me from behind as I walk in front of her. Before I know it she has pushed me so hard that I fall forward hitting my head on the corner of my desk. Now I'm on my hands and knees trying to brace myself for what may come next. This is the worst possible position to be in with her standing over me. She could easily kick my ribs, stomach, or back. So many options. This is not good. I need to do something. I start to feel the blood slowly drip down the front of my face from hitting the desk. Shit. Think Maggie. Think.

  "It's not about you. It's about Sam." That's a complete lie. Of course the poem is about her. I haven't even thought about Sam in months.

  "What?"

  "The poem. It's about Sam Weston." That seems to have stopped her in her tracks. That's the funny thing about her mind, she can lose complete control within a matter of seconds but she can also get eerily calm just as fast.

  "I thought you were over him? I mean, it's been how many years?"

  "He broke my heart. I don't think you ever get over your first love." Since I can see the storm is over, I decide to fall to my bottom leaning my back up against the desk while applying pressure to my forehead with the palm of my hand. Damn that hurts.

  "Oh. I didn't realize you still thought about him. Is that why you haven't moved on? Why you don't date because you're still hung up on him?" Yeah. That's why I don't date. It doesn't have anything to do with the psychotic mother I live with.

  "Pretty much. I just don't want to get hurt again." She gives a small sigh before turning to leave my room.

  "You really are pathetic Maggie. Swooning over some guy that dumped you two years ago. Get yourself cleaned up and make sure you don't get blood everywhere." She doesn't even apologize for making me bleed. Why am I surprised? Her apologies don't come often. I pull myself off the floor and head into the bathroom. Why do head wounds bleed so much? I look in the mirror to access the damage. The cut isn't too bad once I get it to stop bleeding. I can cover it with my hair if I style it just right.

  After tending to my injury, I go to check on my mother. She decides she doesn't need anything at the moment so I head back to my bedroom. I let out a huge breath and fall backward onto my bed. As I lay there staring up at my ceiling thoughts of Sam start flooding my mind. I haven't thought about him in such a long time.

  I met him at a party and I thought he was really cute. I was pretty shy and didn't know the first thing about boys. He was tall with dark blonde hair, blue eyes and a killer tan. He was in decent shape from playing on the basketball team. Not really my type. Much more Amanda's cup of tea than mine. But he approached me. The fact that a senior was hitting on a freshman was a huge compliment in and of itself. So we started dating. My mother was thrilled that I was finally taking a page from her book and focusing all of my attention on the opposite sex. But after a few weeks of dating things started to get awkward. My mother would flirt with Sam every time he came to the house. At first I just thought it was in good fun but it really started to bother me. She kept putting her hands on his chest and laughing at things that weren't even funny. It made me very insecure. The more time he spent at our house the more brazen she became. Sam never let it bother him. I mean why should he? Some hot older woman hitting on a teenage boy. Isn't that every young guy's fantasy. But he was good to me so I tried not to let it bother me.

  He took me on dates every Friday night and then the usual parties Saturday night. Everyone seemed to think we were the "it" couple. Sam was pretty popular. He was smart and funny. Why wouldn't I fall for a guy like that?

  After about three months of dating things really started heating up. I began having feelings that I didn't quite understand. I didn't recognize it at first but thought that maybe, just maybe what I was feeling was love. The only way I had ever seen my mother show love to a man was by sleeping with him. So I thought that's what I needed to do. I made the mistake of talking to my mother about it to which she responded with "You haven't slept with him yet? Oh get over yourself Maggie. It's no big deal. Stop being such a prude." Of course Sam was all about "sleeping" together. Don't get me wrong, he never forced me to do anything. I made up my own mind.

  It's the biggest regret of my life. I wasn't ready. I mean I had barely turned 15-years-old. We were at his house in his bedroom. His parents were out of town for the weekend so we had the place to ourselves. It seemed romantic. He lit some candles and we started making out. Of course I got all hot and bothered so the next step seemed logical. Like this is the way it's supposed to happen. I will never forget the sensation of losing my virginity. It was painful. I felt no pleasure the entire time his body was on top of mine. The burning as he tore into me was almost unbearable. He tried to take it slow but something just came over him once he was inside me. He started moving so fast the only thing I could feel was pain. Then it was over. Just like that. I remember his heavy body pressing down on mine, pushing me into the mattress as he panted in my ear telling me how great it was. He didn't even notice the tears falling down the sides of my face.

  I lost a little piece of myself that night that I will NEVER get back. When you are so young and naïve you don't realize the impact one tiny little moment can have on your life. How one simple act can alter your entire perception of the world. That night changed who I was. Who I wanted to be. It's like a fog had been lifted from my field of vision. I started to recognize that school was important. That I didn't want sex to define me like it had my mother. I stopped focusing all my energy on my relationship. I tried to explain it to Sam several times. Why I didn't want to have sex again. He just couldn't understand what the big deal was. In his mind we already did the deed so why not keep doing it.

  I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. But in the end he didn't want to stay with someone who couldn't be with him in that wa
y. And it broke my heart. Not because I lost the love of my life but because I finally realized my worth. I grasped entirely too late that I had given my virginity to the wrong person at the wrong time in my life. I should have waited. I was so young. Too young.

  It changed everything about the person I was becoming. Deep in my soul I knew I didn't want to be like my mother. I'm nothing like her and never will be. I guess I needed that experience with Sam to open my eyes to what was really going on. I was trying to lose myself in her not him. Be everything she wanted her daughter to be. I think some small part of me wanted her to love me. Or maybe a big part of me wanted it. For her to finally say the words. I thought if I mirrored her behavior I would have what I had desired for so many years. But that's not what I got out of it. It didn't make her love me. It just made her erratic behavior seem more normal because I behaving just like her. I guess I should be grateful to Sam in some small twisted way. He brought me out of the haze without even realizing it.

  I snap back to reality when my phone beeps. I pull it out of my pocket.

  Please tell me you are ok?

  So sorry I didn't text you sooner. I'm fine.

  Maggie, please don't lie to me. If you are hurt please tell me.

  I'm fine. I promise. Call you later.

  He knows something. I can't hide this from him. I don't know what to do. How do I let him in when I don't have any answers? I don't know how to get out of this situation until I graduate. And I have a feeling that isn't going to go over well with Vince. I saw it in his eyes. He will do anything for me, anything to protect me. But how can he protect me from her?

  Chapter Nineteen

  It's amazing the effect fear can have on your body. When I was with Vince I was starving. Since I've been home I haven't even thought about food. That's why it startled me when my mother yelled for me to get off my ass and make dinner. The rest of our evening proceeded like any other night. I cooked then served her everything her little heart desired. I cleaned the entire house trying to kill time while keeping myself busy. I knew that if I got everything done I could go for a run.