Sublime Wreckage

by Charlene Zapata

  "Well look at you all grown up. When did you get so smart?"

  "I pay attention, Maggie. I notice stuff. I see what you have and how you got there. I want it too."

  "Amanda, I know you are smart. Don't ever doubt that. I'm glad that you can see the value in being friends with a guy. And if I helped you get there then that's great. Now, let's go eat because my stomach needs food in it before I pass out from hunger!"

  "When aren't you hungry? I swear you eat like two grown men!" That makes us both laugh. We head back to our table. After eating enough for a small army we head back to Vincent's house. Amanda wants to hang out for a little bit so I leave her in Tommy's capable hands. I actually have to head home. My mother thinks I'm with my Grandpa and I told her I would be home in the afternoon. I don't even know what she is going to think about the car. And frankly I don't care. It's mine. She can't take it from me. Vince walks me outside.

  "Do you really have to go?" He looks at me with a little bit of hope that I can stay just a little longer. We have been doing this for the last hour. He asks this same question and I give in telling him five more minutes which turns into twenty.

  "Stop it. I can't stay any longer. I really do have to go."

  "I know. I'm just bummed because now you don't need me to drive you around. When am I ever going to see you?"

  "That's what's bothering you? Vince, now I can come see you whenever I want because I have my own car."

  "I know. I'm just going to miss driving you around."

  "I love your Mustang and I love riding in it. So we can still take your car sometimes. Maybe I could even drive it!"

  "Don't push your luck woman." I laugh at his comment. He grabs me in a tight hug then gives me a small kiss on the lips. "Be careful. I will see you tomorrow."

  "Bye Slick."

  I drive away as he stands on the curb watching me. The closer I get to my house the more dread fills my body. I try to think of the best way to tell her about my car. I know this isn't going to go well. I can feel it in my gut. My instincts are never wrong when it comes to her. If I have a bad feeling it's for a good reason. I decide to try the sunshine and rainbows approach. I walk in the house with a great big smile.

  "Hey mom. How was your weekend?" She's sitting in the living room so I walk over to her.

  "Why are you so damn happy?"

  "Well. I have something to show you. Will you come outside with me?"

  "Just tell me what it is Maggie. I don't have the patience for your shit right now." Crap. This isn't good. She's already in a bad mood.

  "Grandpa bought me a car. Isn't that great? Now I have a way to get to school and work and I don't have to use up your gas anymore." Not like she lets me drive her car anyway. Just trying to point out the benefit to her hoping that will make this go better.

  "What? You have got to be kidding me. He bought you a fucking car? You are such a spoiled little brat. He has always given you too much. Give me the keys. I will decide when and if you can drive it."

  "No." I can't believe I just said that. It just came out of my mouth. My heart starts pounding rapidly while I clench my hands into fists trying to anticipate what she will do. She jumps off the couch and gets right in my face.

  "What did you just say to me?" She asks me in such a controlled voice I know this isn't good. But I have to stand up to her at some point. Don't I? It's like my brain and my body are fighting with each other. My body is saying "shut the hell up" while my brain is saying go for it.

  "I said no. It's my car. He put it in my name. So you can't take it from me."

  "You listen here little girl. I'm still your mother and you live under my roof which means you follow my rules! Do you understand me?" Now she's yelling. Shit. What do I say to that? How can I argue with her?

  "Look Mom. He is paying the insurance and he was very specific that no one else drive my car. I can't disobey him. What's the problem with me having a way to get around?" I look her right in the face and start to regret everything I just said. I can see the storm brewing in her piss green eyes. Then I feel it. She slaps me hard across my face. I immediately pull my hand up to my cheek. It's a natural reaction to being hit. Then she hits me again. Slapping the other side of my face so hard that I lose my balance and start to stumble. I grab the edge of the coffee table just in time. I don't want to end up on the floor again. That is the worst position to be in with her hovering over me. I brace myself for what I know is coming. She grabs a huge chunk of my hair pulling my head back so I'm looking at her then she punches me in the face. She splits my lip open again. I can feel the blood oozing out. Great. Just great. Stop hitting my face! I don't want to miss anymore school! She must have read my mind because I feel the next blow right in the ribs. She hits me so hard the wind gets knocked out of me. I lean over grasping the edge of the table trying so hard to hold myself up.

  I don't want to cry. I hate that she makes me cry. If it wasn't for the pain my body is experiencing I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. I absolutely hate the fact that she sees my agony. That she knows what impact she is having on me. The tears just keep coming as I try to focus on her breathing. I'm waiting for her to get winded and give up like she always does. At least now I have a quick escape if it gets to be too much. After two or three more hits to my arm and back she finally stops. She sits down on the couch wheezing from the exertion. I hear the distinct sound of her inhaler. I don't look up. I'm doubled over trying to breathe.

  "You know what, you aren't even worth it." She says in-between breaths. "You want to hear something funny? You aren't even related to that old man. But you have him wrapped around your little finger anyway."

  That gets my attention. What the hell is she talking about? I immediately stand up. My adrenaline is pumping now. I can feel it running through my veins. I don't feel any of the pain. I just focus all my energy on her words.

  "What in the world are you talking about?"

  "You are so naïve Maggie. You believe whatever you're told. Such a stupid little girl. Robert isn't your father."

  "What?"

  "You heard me. Your precious "Daddy" isn't even related to you."

  I can't breathe. I really can't breathe. I fall to the floor on my knees as I start to hyperventilate. I can't move. I want to get up and run. I want to scream but I'm paralyzed. It can't be true. She has to be lying. But why? Why would she lie about this? I know she wants to hurt me. I can take all the physical pain she lashes out on me but this? This will wreck me. This is what will break me. And she knows it.

  "That's right. Take it all in Princess. Think about it. Why do you think we got divorced? He found out you weren't his. He stuck around because he felt sorry for you. Your real dad didn't want anything to do with you." I look over at her and see her satisfaction. She is extremely pleased with herself. Because she has won. She finally did it. She must be able to see the defeat in my eyes. I start to crumble emotionally right before her eyes. I let out the most horrific scream from the depths of my stomach.

  "No, no, no. This can't be true. This isn't true."

  "Oh it's true sweetheart." She is wrecking everything I have, everything I believe in. I can't think straight. All I can think about is the man that loved me. The man that showered me with affection. That man was my father. Wasn't he? I need to get away from her. She's twisting everything. I have to get away right now. I jump to my feet and run out the front door. I pull my keys from my pocket and get in my car before she has the chance to stop me. I lock the doors and start the engine. I take a minute to wipe my face. I look down at my hands now covered in tears and blood. My lip must be bleeding pretty bad but I still don't feel anything. I take my shirt and wipe away everything. I run my hands up and down my pants to dry them off so I can drive. I don't care that I just ruined my clothes with blood stains. I don't care about anything right now. There's only one place I want to be. So I put the car in gear and take off.

  Two hours later I pull up to the cemetery. I have been here so many times the locati
on of his body is ingrained in my memory. I walk directly to his grave and start yelling.

  "What the hell is going on? What did you do? Why did you leave me with that woman? She's awful! She hates me! She wants to break me in two! She wants to tear me to shreds! Why? Why does she want to crush me into a million pieces? Why?" I fall to the ground crying so hard my entire body shakes. I lay across his grave for what seems like minutes but the darker it gets I know it's been hours. I finally sit up exhausted from everything that's happened. Everything I've been through today.

  "Just tell me it isn't true. Please Daddy. Tell me she's lying. I can't survive this. If I don't have you to hold on to how am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to endure my life? I can't. I can't do it without you. Knowing that I was a part of you, that I came from you instead of her, that's what has gotten me this far. I have been able to become the person I am because deep down I knew I was nothing like her. I knew that all my traits came from you. That I was your daughter. There has never been a doubt in my mind. Until now. And she put it there. I hate her. In this moment, I hate her so much. This is the worst thing she could have done to me. The absolute worst."

  I sit at my father's grave until I realize just how cold it is. My body is shivering. I left in such a hurry I didn't even grab a jacket. I have to get out of here. I need answers. I have to confront my Grandfather.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I didn't realize how late it was until I see my Grandfather open the door in his pajama's rubbing the sleep away from his eyes.

  "Maggie? What's going on?"

  "I'm sorry it's so late but I really need to talk to you. It's important." He opens the door to let me pass. I head straight into the kitchen and sit down at the table. He follows me and takes his seat on the bar stool at the kitchen counter. He finally gets a good look at me in the light.

  "Oh my God Maggie. What happened to you? You have blood all over your clothes and your face is beat red and swollen. You look awful."

  "Is Robert my Dad?" I ignore his concern and get right to the point.

  "What?"

  "Is he? Just answer me and please tell me the truth." I have never been this straight forward with him before or disrespectful. But I need answers. Now.

  "Maggie, what on God's green earth are you talking about?"

  "Mom told me that she cheated on Dad and that I'm not his daughter."

  I have never in my life seen this man get angry. He slams his fist down on the kitchen counter and starts cursing like a freaking sailor. "I can't believe that woman! She was warned never to mention this to you. She will never see a dime from me again!"

  "What are you talking about? So it's true?" I can feel my body starting to react to the information. My brain is trying so hard to comprehend what this means while my heart is exploding into millions of devastated pieces. I can't deal with this. I'm going to lose it.

  "NO! It's not true. Oh Maggie. I'm so sorry. I should have clarified. I just got so damn mad! Robert Wilson is your biological father. Your mother did have an affair before they got married but he didn't find out until after you were born. He never wanted a paternity test but your Grandmother insisted he get one. He said from the moment he held you that the test didn't matter. You were his and nothing would ever change that. But the test showed that he was your father. He never wanted you to know that he even took that damn test. He never wanted you to think he didn't want you. Patricia agreed to keep quiet as long as I helped her financially whenever she needed something. That's over. Now tell me what happened to you?"

  I can't speak. I don't have the energy to say anything right now. All I feel is tremendous relief. I start weeping into my hands. Then I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. Comforting me.

  "She hit you didn't she? I had my suspicions but never had any proof. You always seemed so happy when you came to visit. I'm sorry Maggie. I should have been here for you. I should have seen this and taken you out of that situation."

  "It's not your fault Grandpa. I never told anyone. I didn't want to burden you. I didn't have any other choice."

  "Maggie, you will never be a burden to me. There is always a choice. Always. How long has it been going on?"

  "I don't know. Most of my life. When I was younger it would be a spanking with a belt but as I got older she started using her fists. It wasn't all the time but lately it's been happening more and more. I know she is mentally unstable but she refuses to get help. I don't know what her diagnosis would be but I know in my heart she's unbalanced."

  "Maggie, I wish I had known. I would have brought you here. I would have taken care of you. I'm so sorry you've had to live with her all these years. Let's get you cleaned up and off to bed. You need to rest. We can talk more in the morning. You are in no shape to go to school tomorrow. I will take care of everything. You don't ever have to go back there again."

  I decide to take a hot shower to get my body back up to the right temperature. I didn't even realize I was shivering until I felt the warm water running down my body. Thank goodness I always keep an extra change of clothes at his house. After I'm dressed and feeling a little better I go out to the kitchen. My Grandpa hands me some medicine and an ice pack for my face.

  "Do you need to go to the doctor? How bad are you injuries?"

  "I'm fine Grandpa. It isn't that bad. My face hurts and so do my ribs but it will heal. I'm pretty sure nothing is broken."

  "Oh Maggie. She hit you in the ribs? And your face looks awful. I think we should call the police. She can't get away with this."

  "No. I don't want her to be arrested. I really don't. She is still my mother even if I hate her guts right now. I don't wish anything bad on her."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes. I'm sure." I might not have a high opinion of that woman right now but I would never want to see her end up in jail. Especially for something she did to me. There is such a fine line between love and hate. Right now I'm standing on the border of that line teetering back and forth.

  "Why don't you go to bed and we can talk some more in the morning."

  "Ok. Thank you. I love you."

  "I love you too."

  I head down to my room. It's just after one in the morning. I'm so tired. All the adrenaline has left my body. I don't even know how I made it to the bed. I collapse and immediately pass out.

  The next day I wake up trying to remember where I am. I'm still foggy but it all starts crashing down on me. Everything floods my brain until it hurts. Then my body starts throbbing. I love sleep so much because you don't feel anything. I slowly put my legs over the side of the bed as I sit up. I look over at the clock. Crap. It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon. I get up as quickly as I can to get my phone. There are several missed calls.

  I immediately call Vincent. He must be so worried. I bet Amanda called him when she didn't hear from me. I was supposed to pick her up for school this morning.

  "Hello. Maggie?"

  "Hey. I'm so sorry I didn't call you."

  "Where are you? Are you okay?" I can hear the panic in his voice and it tugs at my heart.

  "I'm at my Grandpa's house. I will explain everything later. I'm safe for now. My mom flipped out about the car and things got ugly. I don't want to go into details. Right now I need to figure out what I'm going to do."

  "I will kill her if she hurt you." I know he's telling the truth. I can hear it in his voice.

  "Vince, listen to me. She isn't worth it. Don't do anything until I get back. I'm fine. Really. Promise me you will stay away from her. Promise?" There is a long pause before he answers.

  "Fine. I promise. But only because I know you're safe now."

  "Can you please call Amanda and tell her I'm fine? I just got up and I need to talk to my Grandpa."

  "Of course Maggie. Anything you need."

  "I'll call you later."

  "Maggie?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm really glad you're okay. I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

  "Thanks Vince. I reall
y have to go."

  "Ok. Bye."

  "Bye." Maybe I should have said more but I have so many things on my mind right now. I have to figure out where I go from here. I step into the hallway and run right into my Grandpa.

  "Hi sleepy head. I was just coming to wake you up. I called the school this morning and told them you were out sick. Let's go talk." I follow him down the hall and into the den. "How are you feeling?"

  "Sore but better. I think all the sleep really helped."

  "Good. So what do you want to do Maggie? You are 18 now which means legally you're an adult."

  "What does that mean? What are my options? I really don't want to transfer schools. It's my senior year and I think changing schools in the middle of the year would mess up my grades."

  "I had a feeling you would say that. I know how focused you are on school. I don't want to take that from you. So how would you feel about getting your own place?"

  "What? How? Can I even do that? Legally I mean. Don't I have to live with a guardian of some sort? Plus I can't afford that. I don't have any money."

  "Like I said you are 18 now. In the eyes of the law you're an adult. Your mother doesn't have a choice. If you want to move out she can't stop you. And as for your other concern, I would pay for your apartment." He says this so matter of fact. I'm in shock right now. My own place? Of course I would love my own place.

  "Are you sure? I don't want to take your money. Maybe I could pay you back?"

  "It's the least I can do. I should have been there more. I should have taken care of you. Let me do that now. Please."

  I can't believe I'm getting my own place. We make a plan together. I'm going to rest as much as possible today and tomorrow while he makes some phone calls to line up some apartments for us to look at. Since my mother never really leaves the house we decide it's best to get the apartment first and then go get my stuff. I let him know that I have some friends that can help me. He insists on being there while I get everything. I think he has a few choice words for her that she isn't going to like hearing.