by Lila Rose
“Best fuckin’ word. What’s your number? I gotta jet, but I need your number, baby.”
I rattled off my sister’s mobile and then added, “It was nice seeing you.”
“You, too. Fuck, you, too. Take care, sugar, and we’ll talk soon, yeah?”
“Yes.” I smiled.
Later that night, I ended up telling my sister all about Blue. I think she could tell how excited I was when I talked about him, but I got nothing from her other than, “We’ll see if he rings. Not many men would want such a burden in their life, Rinda. I hope you know that.”
Deflated, I went back to my room, hoping Blue would prove my sister wrong.
I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, waiting for my sister while she ran an errand. It was a month after I saw Blue at the supermarket. He hadn’t called, so I guessed my sister had been right. He hadn’t even showed the times I went to the café again. Why did he act as though he liked me enough to call? Had I said something that night in the supermarket to change it? No, I couldn’t have; he was the one who asked me for my number. I shook my head, attempting to shake the thoughts away.
The sun was shining brightly in the car that late afternoon, so I wound down my window to let the breeze through. The sounds of the outside world grew louder with cars driving by near our parking spot at the side of the road. People walked up and down the pathway beside the car. I only wished I could see it. Unfortunately, like always, my eyes only managed a shadowy outline of things.
I tilted my head toward the breeze more and saw an outline of a building. What that building was, I had no clue.
Soon, I found myself blinking away tears as I thought of my most recent doctor’s appointment, which I had just the day before. Even though I had been seeing that doctor for nearly four years, I still felt uncomfortable around him. His touch left me feeling dirty for some reason. Though, my sister swore he was the best in town and was the perfect doctor to try and help us fix my eyes.
Three years later, and I was still waiting for the right answer.
His words from yesterday ran through my mind. “You’re coming along fine, Clarinda. Just give it time.”
Time was all I had.
Amy still refused to let me work, to let me do anything, really. If I tried, we ended up in an argument. I was born an independent yet shy woman, and I was sick of relying on my sister for help. I was twenty-four, for God’s sake.
I shifted in my seat so my head was closer to the window. I wondered why my sister was taking so long. She said she’d only be a moment.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” I heard yelled in a gruff voice from somewhere close.
Ignoring it, I went back to blinking at nothing until a dark form loomed in front of me. I jumped, hitting my head on the car roof.
“I said, what the fuck are you looking at, bitch?” A shadow of a manly-shaped hand reached in and gripped my hair, pulling my head toward the window.
“Please, please,” I begged. “I wasn’t staring at anything.”
“You wanna be up in my business, watching what went down? I’ll give you a better taste of it, slut.” He shook my head roughly with the hand still in my hair.
I reached up with both hands and grabbed his wrist, trying to pull free. “I didn’t see anything. I can’t see anything. Please, I’m blind. You’ve got it wrong.”
“Bullshit. I don’t give a fuck either way.” He jerked my head again and it banged into the top of the window frame. His stinking, hot breath pressed against my face as he leaned closer. “You are a looker. I think a lesson needs to be learnt.”
“No!” I yelled. “Please.” My body shook with fright.
My hands sweated and my heart leapt from the thought of what could happen. Amy, please hurry, please!
“Shut the fuck up,” he hissed. Suddenly, my hair was freed, and I flopped back ungracefully. My hands felt for the seat as I straightened myself.
What now? Dread filled my stomach. I didn’t know what was going on, why all of a sudden he was silent, but then came the sound of my door being opened, causing me to jump. I threw my arms out in front of me, waving them around.
“No, please!” I cried.
A hand clamped around my thigh, his grip painful. “Come on, bitch. Take off your pants and spread ‘em.” He tugged on my sweatpants. My hands fought his hold.
“Stop, no. Stop. Amy!” I yelled.
He kept swatting my hands away and grumbling about something under his breath.
Then I heard another manly call, and then a thumping sound. The hands which were on me fell away.
“Leave her alone, Henry,” the new person growled.
“Fuck off, Blue. This is none of your business.”
Blue?
“I think it is. The lady doesn’t want to be touched. If you don’t back the hell off, I’ll make you.”
“Shit, she wasn’t worth it anyway,” the first man grumbled.
Silence, and then retreating footsteps. With shaking hands, I felt for the door to close it, but my hands came against a hard, warm wall. Bouncing back in my seat, I retracted them quickly.
“You all right, sugar?” my saviour asked.
Blue. Oh, God, it was Blue.
I nodded. Licking my dry lips, I whispered, “Yes.” I was still tense, unsure if I was totally safe.
The thump of my door closing had me jumping once again. “He won’t bother you again. You waitin’ on someone?”
“My sister,” I whispered.
Does he not remember me?
My heart plummeted. Maybe he didn’t want to recognise me; maybe that was why he didn’t call. I never left a good enough impression on him for him to care.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I bravely asked through the silence.
“I did, Clarinda. I was told you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
My eyes widened. “No…I-I’d never say that, Blue.”
“Fuck. Your sister…”
My heart pounded into my throat as the driver’s side door opened beside me. I turned to it as my sister spat, “What have you done now, Clarinda?”
Tears pooled in my eyes. The adrenaline rush I had was wearing off. “Nothing, Amy. This…” I gestured with my hand in the general direction of the man I had thought of so frequently, “…is Blue. Um, I’ve talked about him. He, ah, just now helped me. Someone tried to attack me.”
She snorted. “You probably brought it on yourself.”
“She didn’t,” Blue growled. My heart warmed.
“Whatever,” Amy responded and started the car.
“You going to be okay?” he asked.
I nodded and looked toward the window. “I think so.” I reached my hand out. He must have sensed I was having trouble finding him, so he placed his hand in mine. I squeezed it, my heart beating faster from the warmth and thrill of touching him. “Thank you,” I whispered. “Can…would you meet me at the café? I’ll be there next Saturday.”
“I’ll be there, sugar. Count on it.” I could hear the smile in his voice. It had my cheeks heating and an urgent need to actually see him. I desperately wished to know what he looked like, what he felt like under my touch. I’d lay awake countless nights debating the colour of his eyes, not knowing if they were light or dark. While I’d heard his smile when he spoke, I was eager to see it and half-expected to find a dimple. Regardless of what he would look like to the outside world, none of it really mattered. His voice alone held me captive. As long as a man was kind to his woman, like my father was to my mother, nothing else mattered.
“Hand in the car. We’ve got to go,” Amy said.
I hadn’t realised I was still gripping Blue’s hand, but once I let go, I felt the warmth from his hold disappear. Reality of what happened slipped into my mind and the smile fell from my face. Before I could say any more to Blue, Amy put the car into drive and took off.
I wanted her to turn the car around so I could find that warmth again, find the safety I felt around a man I h
ardly knew. I curled my arms around my waist, leaned my head back and closed my eyes thinking of the sweet yet hard, delicious tone of Blue’s voice and found some comfort from it.
“What were you thinking, talking to a stranger?”
Sighing, I turned my head toward my sister. “He’s not a stranger, Amy. He did help me.” I shuddered from the thought of that dirty man touching me. “A man was attacking me.”
“Well, what did you do for that to happen?”
“Nothing,” I uttered.
“See, this is why you need me around all the time. You keep getting into trouble, and in the end, I keep having to save you.”
Only that time, it wasn’t her.
However, she was right. Over the past six months, I’d had many little accidents, and Amy had always been there for me. I had to admit—if Blue hadn’t shown up, at least I knew my sister would have. She was always there.
Though, the major accident which had just occurred was the worst I’d ever had…if I could call it an accident. The others before that were small incidents—a trip, a burn, stubbing my toe—and I’d been abused verbally many times on the street.
Still, it all gave me enough pause to really think I would be lost without Amy. It actually made me sick to my stomach at the thought of fending for myself while in my condition. Yes, we annoyed each other, and yes, she could be downright mean, but she changed her ways to fit me into her life when I was nineteen and she was twenty-two. Without her, I wouldn’t have had much of a life at all.
Okay, that wasn’t totally true.
People who were completely blind and saw nothing but blackness still coped. They used their other senses, or had the help of guide dogs. There were many possibilities. I’d even suggested all those things to my sister at the start, told her I wanted to live on my own and learn to live with my disability. She wouldn’t have it.
After what happened a few moments before, I wasn’t sure I was ready to do any of that anymore.
I was scared something like that could happen again.
What would I do if I was on my own, walking down the street, and I didn’t know someone was following me? I could turn a wrong corner and be trapped. I could witness something I never knew I was witnessing and be in a mess like I was earlier. So many things could happen. It was hard being with my sister all the time, but the thought of being without her scared me more.
At least I had my daily outings to the library while Amy worked. Those I really enjoyed, especially since I hardly sat on my own anymore. Not that it bothered me to sit on my own; at least I was able to listen to so many wonderful stories. Until, that was, Julian decided he had to know me. That had been about four months before. From that day forward, I would get several visits in the library from him.
He made me laugh, he made me smile and the world seemed that much brighter with him around in it.
I also met his friend, Deanna, who works there. That had only been in the past two months, and still we hadn’t encouraged each other to talk openly. I was slowly warming up to her, but it was hard because of how snappy and annoyed she seemed to be all the time. The customers usually got a reprieve from her mouth, but if she came over to the table to grumble about something, look out. I had never in my twenty-four years heard a woman swear so much in my life. What was comical about it, though, was when Julian would bait her, she’d get frustrated and tell him where to go…explicitly. Julian didn’t care. I loved to hear their interactions. Anyone could tell the ‘family love’ they had for each other.
At least I have someone who’s happy to see me.
I turned my head toward Amy as she drove. Knowing my sister, her brows would be drawn, her jaw would be clenched and her hands would be tight around the steering wheel. She was annoyed by me, for the attention I received but didn’t want. I was her embarrassment.
Why had she told Blue I didn’t want anything to do with him when he called? Was she jealous? Or maybe she just didn’t want to see me hurt?
I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to ask. It would just end in a fight.
Everything was so confusing. One moment, I wanted to be independent and try to make Amy see I could do things for myself, and then the next, I found myself scared of what it would be like without her.
Confusion didn’t accurately describe the chaos of my emotions.
I wanted to fight back and have my independence, and I wanted my sister to treat me with respect instead of a piece of poo under her shoe…then again, I was scared of so many things, which was why I clammed up so many times and said nothing, even though I regretted it every time.
However, what I was confident about was that Amy wasn’t simply annoyed at me; rather, she truly hated me.
That hurt more than what the foul-breathed man tried to do to me.
My sister, my own family, hated me because I was useless. At least, that was how I felt.
A grumble came from my chest. I was at the compound where my brothers wanted to put together a BBQ for Wildcat. It’d been a month since she’d given birth to Drake and Ruby, so we wanted to celebrate it with them. I was happy to be there, but I couldn’t help feelin’ like shit. I’d just met Killer’s—my brother in arms—new woman, and wished it had been me to lose that bet. Then, at least I would have met Ivy, and it’d be me with a new, serious woman on my arm, instead of the sluts who just wanted biker cock.
I’d been over that scene for some time, ever since Zara came into our lives. The way she was, her craziness and uniqueness had me wanting her in ways I’d never felt before…but she only had eyes for Talon, and the feeling was mutual. I was happy for them, but fuck, I wanted that happiness for me, too.
A vision of Clarinda filled my head, but I quickly shook it off. She hadn’t showed that morning at the café, or since then. Like a sucker, I’d been back a couple of times, just in case. I didn’t know what her game was, but it sure as fuck wasn’t going to be playing me.
Still, her beauty took my breath away.
Shit, I sounded like a fuckin’ pansy. Next, I’d be consulting Julian on what to wear and whatnot.
I needed to get my head together, snap the fuck outta my funk and get the thought of findin’ a woman out of my brain. There weren’t many good women out there; they were rare and I guessed my luck in finding one had run the fuck out.
Clary. Oh, hell the fuck no. I was not going to start pining over some blind bird I’d met a few times. No matter how hard she made my cock from just her voice, her laugh and her looks.
It was just luck I was happenin’ along that day and witnessed Henry, a local druggie, abusin’ her.
I saw fuckin’ red and strode over, ready to break the dick’s neck. It was bloody fortunate for him he quickly backed down.
It was obvious Clary was going through her own Hell, and it was probably a Hell I shouldn’t be involved in. I’d wondered a few times why she hid her bangin’ body behind plain clothes and left her hair scruffy. What concerned me was it also looked like she hadn’t slept in days.
Still, she was gorgeous.
No, I had to get her outta my head. She was the one who stood me up. Besides, there wasn’t any way I’d be seeing her again. I wasn’t one who chased.
Even if I want to.
Christ, no, I needed someone stable.
Jesus, have a listen to yourself. Fuckin’ pansy. Maybe I should just get my arse-crack waxed and be done with it.
Scrubbing my hand over my face, I walked out the back to cooking, laughing and chatting. I made my way over to Talon, Griz, Killer, Stoke and Memphis, who were chillin’ while cooking on the grill.
“You over your little spat, princess?” Stoke grinned. I’d walked off before, after meeting Ivy, saying I’d missed out again on a good woman ‘cause I knew I had, which meant the fucker was teasing me about it.
“Screw you,” I growled low, and my brothers laughed. We stood around while waiting for the meat to cook and talked about business, ridin’ and just shit, really. My eyes kept looking over towar
d the women and kids. They all seemed happy. A sick feeling started in the pit of my stomach as I witnessed the fuckin’ loving looks between partners. Even the new couple, Killer and his missus.
Shaking my head, I looked to the ground. I needed to get out of there and laid.
“Hey, Blue.”
I glanced up to see Hell Mouth approaching with a smile on her face. She was smiling a lot these days, and it was good to see. She was also less of a bitch. That was definitely good to see.
“What’s up, Hell Mouth?” I asked, turning toward her as she stopped in front of me.
“I need a favour.”
“Darlin’,” Griz growled at his woman.
Obviously, she was up to something. Chuckling to myself, I asked, “Oh, yeah, what?”
“You see, my car’s gonna be getting fixed the next few days. I need someone to come to the library to pick me up.”
My eyes widened and then lowered into a glare. I looked to Griz and saw him trying to hide his grin. “Hell Mouth, you’ve got a man for that sorta shit. I ain’t a taxi service.”
She rolled her eyes at me and sighed. “My man is busy.”
“And I’m not?” I questioned.
“Blue, don’t be an arse. Just come get me Tuesday from the library.”
I rubbed the back of my neck as I wondered why there was a sudden urgency to get me to the goddamn library. I looked up at her and smiled. “Can’t anyway. I’m heading outta town for a couple of days.”
Griz, Talon and the rest of my brothers cracked up laughing as Deanna placed her hands on her hips and glared at all of us. Her plan—whatever it had been—had failed.
“Fine, whatever,” she snapped and walked off.
I turned to Griz and asked, “What was that about?”
Chuckling, he replied, “Don’t worry about it, brother. No doubt she’ll keep trying, no matter what.”
“Maybe you should just get it the fuck over with and go to the library,” Talon suggested.
“Nah, I’ll leave her stewing for a while. It’d be good for Griz.”
Griz snorted. “Yeah, thanks, dick.”
Laughter started all around, and once it stopped, Killer asked, “You really goin’ out of town?”