by Mia Ford
“Veronica,” I call out, forgetting about the side effect of danger as I yell. “Veronica, where are you?”
If she isn’t here, she’s dead, my brain unhelpfully reminds me. She’s somewhere else, gone.
Eventually, I fall into a room with a video camera set up in the corner. A sickness floods me as I realize this might be the room where the murders are committed for the world to see. The threatening, blackmailing videos, followed by the decapitations. There’s a rusty, practically blunt knife covered in blood on the floor which might well mean the worst has already happened. Someone has been killed here, someone could be Veronica…
“Fuck!” I scream out in shock. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
There’s no evidence of a recent murder, aside from the knife, but it might have happened. I could be in the middle of this camp while the woman that I love is on the Internet being killed. Maybe this is just another situation where the rest of the world knows something that I don’t. No, I will definitely lose my shit.
“Veronica!” I scream again. “Veronica, where the fuck are you? Are you alive? Veronica?”
I attract the attention of another guy who races into the room. I shoot a bullet through his brain without even looking to see who it might be. I’m not getting into another fight, it isn’t happening. It’ll endanger other people. Others will capture more men if they’ve got any sense and we’ve already gotten a couple anyway. I can’t stand this I just need to keep on hunting. I need to get the answer to my endless questions, even if I don’t like them.
My heart thunders against my rib cage, I fear it must burst free from my chest as I take off again. That torture chamber room just stinks of death, it’s pouring through the walls. The thought of Veronica on her hands and knees, reading out the words given to her by these pigs is almost too much to bear. I need to leave that behind.
The yells get louder, I can hear them echoing through the place which causes me to pick up the pace. The longer that we’re here, the more likely one of our side will end up dead and I’m keener than ever to avoid that.
“Veronica!” I scream out, the desperation starting to get the better of me. “Veronica, where are you?”
“Miller.” I hear Jones’s sharp tone which grabs me. I turn the corner to see him there with a rag doll body in his arms. My heart lifts and skips. Immediately, I feel relief washing over me. “Is this her?”
It’s hard to tell at first, even as I race forward, I can barely see under the dirt and grime, but after a while, I have to shake my head in sheer sadness. “No,” I rasp out. “That isn’t her. It’s not Veronica.”
She’s got the wrong color hair, I can see it under the grime, and her face is much too different. I’m glad that this woman has been saved, no one deserves to be trapped in a place like this, but she isn’t Veronica.
The other guys share a glance. I know what this means. They believe that we’ve either come to the wrong place or Veronica is dead. I don’t want to see that look, I don’t want to lose hope.
“There… there could be others. There could be more people here… She can’t be the only one…”
Jones gives me a slow shake of the head. “I don’t know about that. We searched all the cells we found and there doesn’t seem to anywhere else that people are being held. We need to get this woman back, to save her.”
“No!” I yell, much too sharply. “No, I’m not leaving. Not until I’ve searched everywhere.”
“Miller, I understand your desire to stay.” Jones is talking to me in a tone that’s much too calm. It’s as if I’m a child who needs to be treated with kid gloves. It enrages me, it’s hard to keep myself in check. “But she isn’t here and the longer we remain in danger and I can’t risk it. We cannot risk someone else dying.”
“No, no, I know. I understand that. I don’t expect anyone else to stay. You all leave.”
“We cannot leave you behind. That just isn’t happening. You know I cannot do that.”
I appreciate his kindness but if Veronica has already been killed then there’s no point in me remaining alive anyway. I don’t have a life without her, which is why this is so pivotal. If I can’t find Veronica then this is the time where it needs to be over. There’s nothing else to keep me going. She’s always been my everything.
“I’m staying and you need to go,” I shoot back firmly. “I need to be here.”
Timmy’s head peeks around the corner as he overhears the conversation. “I will be here. I’ll stay.”
“No, Timmy, that’s a death warrant. I can’t leave you here. You go with Jones.”
Just as an argument is about to break out about this, we hear another noise bursting through and echoing. We all jump in shock. There’s a pause, before I take off without a second thought. This might be the break through I’m searching for, and they can all go to hell if they think I’m going now. I pound hard, my feet hitting the concrete so loud my knees ache, but I keep on going. The noises fade in and out, I barely hear them at all anymore, but I keep on going. I strain my ears as much as I can to pick up the tiny little bits.
“Veronica!” I call out desperately. This has to be her now, it has to be. “Veronica, is that you?”
I see a guy with a bullet hole in his back on the floor, spread eagle. It can’t be him making all those noises he’s been dead for a while. Plus, I can still hear them, coming from the other side of that door…
Once I push that door open I’ll know one way or another, I’ll finally have my answer.
25
Veronica
“Veronica.” I can hear him. It might well be in my head, but I can hear him. It’s wonderful, it fills me with utter glee. I almost maybe crack a smile under the sheer weight of her words. “Veronica, where are you?”
I want to scream and shout, I want to yell back to get my answer out to him, even if it isn’t real, but my throat is too dry. My body hurts all over, and I’m too weak and sick to stand upright. I just have to lie here and dream about him. Maybe all of this is a dream, even the gun shots I heard before. It’s all just a fantasy that my brain has conducted to help me get through the last minutes of my life. I haven’t forgotten that today is death day.
I hear a gurgling sound from the other side of the door, it sounds like someone’s wind pipe is being strangulated, or maybe filling with blood. It’s a horrible, sickening sound which makes me feel even worse, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m stuck right here. Even if it’s the guy who’s kicked and attacked me, I don’t want to hear his death. It’s a noise that will hurt me forever. Although forever shouldn’t be too long, I suppose.
I don’t know how long it lasts, but soon he stops making any sound at all. Then there’s an odd silence for a while. Or maybe it isn’t silent, my brain is blocking out the sound, but I enjoy it. It’s peace. I’m at peace again. I slide my eyes closed and I just allow that to swallow me up for just a moment. I think of all the wonderful things I’ve experienced in my much too short life just to give me some nice images to face death with…
But then the door swings open. It slams hard and snaps my eyes back open again. I can’t help it. Much as I want to lay back and let death come for me with my eyes closed, my survival instinct has kicked in. I can’t do anything to defend myself, but that doesn’t seem to register in my brain. I need to see who it is.
“Oh my God, Vernonia.” Oh, I see. I must have passed out. I must still be asleep because the shadow in the door frame looks just like Jordan. This is my fantasy come to life, this is everything I’ve been dreaming about but I knew could never happen. Finally, I’ve snapped and lost the damn plot. But I don’t mind. I love it. I would much rather be crazy and seeing the man I love rather than here alone. “Oh my God I’ve found you.”
The image I’ve invented of him rushes over to my side. He touches me and I can almost feel the velvety touch of his skin. Wow, I really have lost it. I’ve lost it bad that my hallucinations are real. It’s utterly amazing.
“Are you o
kay? Do you need anything?” His words are falling out of his mouth so quickly they’re tripping over one another. “Oh God, you look really hurt. You look injured. What did they do to you? I hate this.”
“I… I…” I can’t get any words out. Dream Jordan pulls out a bottle of water and he tucks his hand gently underneath my head. He lifts it up just enough for him to tip a dribble of water into my body. Enough to hydrate me without actually making me feel like I’m drowning. Once he slides the bottle away, I can talk just a little bit. Enough to get out the words I’ve been so desperately wanting to say. “I love you, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
A tight knot releases in my chest. I didn’t even realize it was there until now. I know this might not be real, but I’ve managed to say the words I didn’t want to die holding onto. It feels good, I now feel like I can die feeling much freer. I’ve apologized, I’ve told him that I love him, and now it’s okay. It can be over. I can go.
“I love you too.” I feel his lips brushing against my cheek. It feels so good that my heart starts beating again. “And you don’t ever have to say sorry to me, Veronica, I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve done you so wrong.” A wetness covers my face. I don’t know if it comes from me or him. “I won’t upset you again.”
I tilt my head back as he scoops me up into his arms. His touch feels so loving and soft that it almost feels real. I could almost fall for it if I didn’t have the knowledge that if anyone has hold of me it’s one of those monsters who’s taking me to my death. Or maybe I’m already dead and this is heaven. It sure as hell feels that way if I’m back with Jordan. This is more of an afterlife than I ever could have hoped for. It’s everything I want.
“Don’t go to sleep,” Jordan murmurs breathily to me. “Don’t pass out. We need to check that you’re okay. You can’t pass out, that’s dangerous. It puts you at risk. I just need you to be okay. Please, keep your eyes open.”
I don’t know why my subconscious feels like it needs to make Jordan say this. Who the hell cares if I fall asleep or not? What does it matter? I’m tired anyway and this is the first time I’ve been comfortable enough to actually get some decent rest. I fall into the darkness that wants to claim me, and I do so happy with the closest thing to a smile on my face that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. As I sleep, I dream. I dream about the old days, about the future I could have had if this hadn’t happened. And it’s glorious. It’s amazing. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and more, it’s bright, colourful, truly happy. After living in darkness for far too long, the colors are almost overwhelming. I feel a little giggle bubbling up inside my throat.
I’m actually happy. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but for now, it all feels good.
***
My body hurts all over, just like it has done for ages now, but as I twist over to get into a better position, there’s a cushion underneath me. For a moment there, I almost forgot that I was dead. I’m in heaven now, and hopefully, if I reach across I’ll be able to hold onto Jordan. I don’t open my eyes as I do, I simply feel around, and soon I find his warm flesh which brings a smile to my face. I haven’t lost him yet.
“Are you okay?” I hear his soft voice whisper to me. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? We aren’t too far away.” I want to ask where we’re going, but I don’t. “It shouldn’t be long now. You’re going to be alright.”
I love the reassurance of those words, they feel really nice, so I soak them in. Things can’t get worse now, I’ve been to hell and back, so I suppose there really is only one way and it’s up. Even if I’m dead.
I try to prize my eyes open to see him, but it’s really hard to do so. The light is just too bright and white. I suppose that’ll happen since I’ve been locked away in a dark place for ages. Well, days probably. It doesn’t matter though. I can remember Jordan well enough to breathe him in, to smell him, to feel him all around me…
I jolt awake again, but I’m still unable to open my eyes. A small groan flies out of my mouth, one that isn’t really linked to anything but must cause a panic reaction within me. That manifests itself in Jordan holding onto my tightly and pressing a palm against my forehead as if he wants to check that I’m okay.
“Are you awake?” he gasps. “Do you need anything? I’m worried about you now…”
“Nughugh,” I gurgle back, settling down for more sleep. I need to rest for days. The exhaustion is strong within me, I can’t help succumbing to it, and to be honest the pain hurts less when I’m asleep. It’s easier to manage, it doesn’t affect me quite so deeply, so I get myself as settled and I try to fall back into a slumber.
I don’t know why I’m still so sore in the afterlife but that’s a side effect I’m willing to take if I get to keep him. I might be able to sleep it off anyway. The more I rest, the better I feel. I want to feel truly well so I can enjoy this time. It might last an eternity or it might be limited. I want to experience it all.
“Okay, sweetie, you rest, but please let me know if you need anything, okay? I need you to be well. I sure as hell didn’t rescue you from that nightmare just to lose you here, okay? I need you to stay alive.”
It’s too late for that, I want to warn him. I’m already gone, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to leave you. I never wanted to leave you. I’m so, so sorry. I should have listened. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I love you…
***
Everything feels different the next time I wake up, like the world has shifted beneath me. I haven’t been concerned about the lack of vision before but now I really want to see. I wish I could snap my eyes apart and find out where I am, but every time I try I’m overloaded with sensations. It’s too much. My system can’t hack it. I would scream if I could, I’d let out a little bit of the frustration that I feel. But as always, I can’t.
There are lots of noises around me which immediately makes me panic. I don’t want to wake up from this dream just to find myself back in that cell, in that situation, it’s just too much. I don’t think I’ll be able to hack it. But I quickly realize that the voices are speaking words I can understand. There are English words flying above me which means I can’t possibly be with those men. They didn’t know how to communicate with me at all. it was all just gruff yelling, crude hand actions, and scripts for me to follow. Some of that barely making any sense. This has to be a good sign that I’m no longer trapped by them. If I remember rightly, they might even all be dead. I don’t know how to feel about that. It isn’t like I want them alive but knowing anyone is dead in this war is too much. After speaking to some of the locals in Afghanistan, I know it’s terrible there too.
“Hospital… urgent treatment… intervention…”
Those words don’t totally connect with me, I don’t know what they mean or what they’re about, but it doesn’t matter. I can understand them and that’s enough. I’m still in my dream, still with the wonderful fantasy Jordan, and that’s good enough for me. Anything else doesn’t matter, as long as I have him. Whatever this strange after life throws at me, the knowledge that I’m not alone is enough. It heals me.
“J… Jordan…” I try to rasp out, but I have that dry throat again. It’s too dry, like cardboard. I need water, but I don’t know how to ask. I try to lift my arm to wave it around, to beg for the drink, but I’m too weak. I guess all I can do is go back to sleep all over again. At this rate, that’s all I’ll ever do.
26
Jordan
I’m numb. Absolutely numb all over. I think I must be in shock. I know that I should be glad to have Veronica here in my arms but the whole situation has me shell shocked. That was a nightmare, a living hell. I might have felt like a freaking superhero going into it, but I don’t come out. I feel hollow, empty, stunned.
I glance down at where Veronica lays next to me almost in a coma next to me and I feel ill. She might not be in that place anymore, but she isn’t out of the woods yet. There are still dangers ahead of her. I know that she needs some serious medi
cal treatment and I’m scared it won’t work out as I want it to. I’m afraid that this is just the start of another horrible journey. In among the numbness, there’s a fear wanting to break free.
“We’re going to have to go to the hospital,” Jones tells me gravely, as if I don’t know. “For Veronica and the other prisoner. She isn’t in the best way either. We’ll have to get a doctor to look at them. I’ve already had my medic look them over, but there’s only so much we can do right now. We need help. They need help.”
“Yeah, okay I get that.” I nod fervently. “I think that’s for the best. Do you have a plan?”
I don’t get to hear his plan because Veronica starts stirring again. Every so often, she jolts from her sleep and she moves around. I have to take those moments to get some water into her. It isn’t easy, but I can’t have her dehydrated, on top of everything else when we get there. She resists a little and sometimes murmurs some incomprehensible words, but then she goes right back to sleep again leaving me helpless.
If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s being helpless. I much prefer to take action, to do something to make things better. I excuse myself from Jones and tend to Veronica. I turn into doctor mode and do all I can.
“Just keep it together for a little while longer,” I murmur into her ear. “It won’t be long and we’ll be there.” The desperation is absolutely evident in my tone. “Just hang on until then, okay? I’ll take care of you.”
“I love you,” she mutters back the clearest words she’s managed so far. They touch me deeply. I don’t know if they’re meant for me but I feel them. It’s the words I’ve been imagining her saying to me forever and now they’re real. If Veronica loves me still after everything then we’ll be just fine. We have to be.
I cling tightly onto her, trying my hardest to keep my tears inside. “I love you too, I love you so much. You have no idea.” I squeeze her hand. “It’s been hell without you, I’ve hated it so much. I never want to go through that again.” I can feel myself panting. “We have to make sure it never happens again, okay?”