by Chloe Seager
The second thing is that damned, unrelenting thorn in my side: my horniness. I’m usually fine with masturbating but…I don’t know… Ever since being with my ex-boyfriend Greg (who I misguidedly dated to get over Leon, which, even though I did like Greg a lot, was an awful idea) I guess I’ve realized that even if boys can be a little bit…um…inexpert at aiding you with your horniness, they still, somehow, manage it just by being there, in a way that is somehow a bit more fulfilling than masturbation.
I know. More fulfilling than masturbation. Who knew?
So now, all I keep imagining is being with someone who is good at aiding you with your horniness, who is not you, and well…it’s a nice thought.
And a little bit incompatible with being alone.
I’ve tried to quiet my horniness by ignoring it. I really have. Sort of like how leaving a baby alone wailing in a room instead of holding it is meant to be character-building. But thus far my horn hasn’t shut up and developed a good, strong personality, it just keeps persisting louder and LOUDER.
The third thing is…UGH. I hate admitting this. The third thing is that even though I have stopped stalking Leon online, I have occasionally stalked him in my mind. Sometimes his name just comes into my brain. Or his face. Or a moment we had together. Just like one of those stupid montage videos they make of you and another person…but IN MY HEAD.
It’s not all the time or anything, but…it happens.
Anyway, this is most likely because I’ve been on my own a bit these holidays. Everything’s probably fine. I’ve got too much time to think, that’s all. Stupid thoughts!!!
Steph’s coming over tomorrow, thank God. I can stop thinking about myself for a bit and just listen to her talk.
Tuesday, 4 November
posted by EditingEmma 16.08
Steph’s Growing Up
Steph just left. I feel a bit emotional.
‘So how did it go with Gracie??’ I started, as she settled down on my bed. Given that Andy is not just any first-proper-boyfriend, he’s also our friend Gracie’s brother, it makes the whole thing slightly more complicated.
‘It was actually really nice,’ said Steph.
I nearly fell off the bed in shock. ‘Really nice?’ I repeated. ‘With Gracie?’
Gracie, My Ex-Frenemy
In amongst a lot of other antics last term, another massive thing to happen was my fight with Gracie. She did something which hurt at the time (i.e. posted my secret blog online and kind of ruined me getting back together with Leon…) but actually, her doing that made me realize just how not worth it Leon was and also that in focusing so much on my terrible love life, I’d failed to notice how terrible our friendship had become. We’re on much better terms now. The other day we all went out together and we didn’t snipe at each other once. (Apart from when she said mozzarella is the best kind of cheese, which is clearly wrong.)
Still, I must admit I’m surprised by her being OK with this. I wasn’t expecting Steph to make it out alive. But apparently, after Steph admitted that she really likes Andy, but said it didn’t have to go any further if Gracie had an issue with it, Gracie apologized to Steph for making her feel like she couldn’t say anything about it!
‘Sacre bleu!’ I said.‘Really?! That’s…so…unexpectedly simple.’
‘Yep…it was…’
‘Was?’
Steph went silent and buried her head in her hands. Then started rocking backwards and forwards on my bed. ‘Oh Emma. Then I RUINED it.’
‘What?! How? What did you do?!’
Steph took a breath and looked up. ‘So after we chatted, we hung out for a bit, and it was all really nice…’
‘Yes…?’
‘Then Gracie wanted to do some work and I said, cool, I’ll go. But then Andy messaged me to see what I was up to.’
‘Right…?’
‘So I said, well actually, I’m in the room next door. And he said…come see me. But by the time we’d agreed this, Gracie was already taking me downstairs to say goodbye and she’d been so nice about the whole thing and I didn’t want to make her feel awkward…so…’
‘So?’
‘So, um, I just sort of…panicked and left. And, um, walked down the street.’
I started laughing.
‘And then Andy was all, where are you? And I turned around and walked back up the street.’
I laughed harder.
‘And rang the doorbell. I thought Andy would answer, but, um…’
‘Oh NO.’
‘Yep. Gracie answered. She looked so puzzled. She asked me if I’d left something.’
‘Oh, Steph.’
‘I knowwwww I knowwwww. It would have been so much better to just tell her the fist time. And I said, um, hi Gracie, I’m here to see Andy. Oh God, you should have seen her face.’
I wiped a tear from my eye. ‘Oh, Steph. You idiot.’
‘I know I know I knowww.’
‘I thought you were so much cooler than that.’
‘So did I.’
After that, Steph marched into Andy’s room, told him she liked him and asked him out. He admitted that since the accidental kiss at Gracie’s birthday party she’s all he’s been thinking about, and then they kissed again. Non-accidentally.
1.) I still cannot believe Gracie is all right with this. It’s a miracle. I’m sort of expecting it to be a big ruse and tomorrow Steph will wake up with meat in her bed spelling ‘Judas’.
2.) I can’t believe Steph just asked Andy out. Just like that. How does a person develop that sort of confidence? I’m still developing the confidence to believe I might one day send a wink emoji in a ‘flirty manner’.
After a few hours Steph got up to leave.
‘Andy’s coming over to listen to some music, wanna join?’
I smiled.‘Oh, no, I’ll leave you to it,’ I said.‘Lots of pictures to edit and all that.’
Steph rolled her eyes. (She will never understand the work it takes to get lighting, filtering and captioning just right.)
I would have liked to go with her. But I got Steph all day. I know I should leave them alone for a bit, and go along next time.
posted by EditingEmma 18.31
I Will Never Be Insta-Famous
After Steph left, I tried to rally and focus a bit on my fashion blog/social media. Unfortunately, much like Steph, my mother does not seem to understand the work it takes to achieve quality posts either.
I came into my room and she had put laundry everywhere.
‘Mum!’ I called out. ‘Mum!’
‘What?’ She huffed into the room.
‘What is this?’ I asked, pointing at the laundry rack.
‘Those are your ridiculous sloth slippers, which you insist on keeping.’
‘No, not the sloth slippers. Which, by the way, are not ridiculous. Why are they drying in here?’
Mum blinked. ‘What do you want me to do with them?’
‘I don’t know. Put them in your room.’
‘My room has my laundry in it.’
I clenched my teeth. ‘Well, I’m afraid I don’t have space for this in here. It’s ruining my canvas.’
‘Your canvas?’
‘Yes.’ I pointed at the bit of white wall behind the drying rack. ‘Unfortunately, because my room is so pathetically small, that bit of wall is the only wall that isn’t covered in furniture, or an embarrassing poster from my misguided pre-teen years, i.e. the only wall remotely suitable for taking pictures of my designs against. And my laundry is now in the way.’
Mum nodded. Finally, I seemed to have got through.
‘Yes, I think I’ve got a solution,’ she said.
And she THREW MY SLOTH SLIPPERS OUT THE WINDOW.
I repeat. MY SLOTH SLIPPERS.
OUT. THE. WINDOW.
‘From now on you can do your own laundry,’ she said, leaving the room.
Great, so now not only am I still miles away from Insta-fame, I’m also sloth-slipperless and I have to do laundry.
Sometimes the divide between the life I’m leading and the life I should be leading only seems to get wider and wider.
posted by EditingEmma 19.19
Took loads of pictures, posted them, got some likes. Standard. I was at a loss for what to do again, so I lay on the floor. It was then I realized that I’d never seen the ceiling from this angle before. And there was a crack in it I’d never noticed. Amazing. Fascinating, when you really think about it. I’ve lived in this room for what, sixteen years, and never seen it? How many other secrets does my old, familiar bedroom hold?
posted by EditingEmma 20.35
Mum came back into my room. I was still picking up various objects and looking at them from different angles.
‘…Why are you staring at that coat hanger?’ she asked.
‘Ah.’ I held up a hand. ‘To the untrained eye it may seem as if I am merely staring at a coat hanger. But really, I’m unearthing all manner of astonishing hidden truths about the universe.’
‘All right, well, sorry to disturb your enlightenment, but have you read this?’ she asked, holding up some mail from college.
‘Uh, what do you think?’ I said, not looking away from my coat hanger.
‘It says they’re doing a fashion show this year.’
‘OK,’ I replied.
Silence. She kept standing there.
‘Well?’ She tapped her foot. ‘Don’t you care? I thought you were focusing on your interests?’
‘I am.’
‘And I thought your interest was fashion?’
‘It is,’ I said. ‘But that doesn’t extend to giving up my free time to school. I’ve not had a brain transplant.’
Mum sighed. ‘Look, love, I know you’re feeling a bit lost…’
‘I’m coping,’ I said.
‘Yes, so it would seem.’ She glanced at the coat hanger. ‘All I’m saying is, this might help.’ She waved the fashion show leaflet at me.
I looked at it.
‘All right, I’ll think about it… Thanks.’
She left and I put my coat hanger down. For some reason I felt like I might cry.
posted by EditingEmma 22.37
Quite Predictably, Watching PLL
What’s wrong with me?! I usually love lying around re-watching Pretty Little Liars, but I just can’t get into it. I’m feeling really strange and unanchored. Mum’s right… I’m supposed to be focusing on my interests, but going through the same cycle of making clothes, photographing them and getting likes just doesn’t seem to be fulfilling me like it used to. I’m supposed to be focusing on my friendships, and all I’ve managed to do this holiday is photobomb Steph and her boyfriend, and spam my friends with pictures of me brushing my teeth.
And I guess…I guess I have to admit to myself…what I’ve really been trying to avoid thinking about…is that maybe… just maaaaaybe… it’s because I don’t have very many friends?
Aghhh. I don’t know… I’ve never been in this situation before, so it’s never really occurred. But it’s suddenly dawning on me just how few people I actually have in my life that I can call up and hang out with. How is it possible that just because Steph’s busy and Faith’s away, I have no one left?! Literally no one. How pathetic is that?! How do I only have two friends in the entire globe?! The entire globe of nearly eight billion people? TWO? Out of EIGHT BILLION?
Is that normal??!!
I’m Robinson Crusoe, sitting out on a tiny island all by myself. And no one’s coming to rescue me.
Wednesday, 5 November
posted by EditingEmma 12.07
PLL Inspiration
This morning continued in much the same way as yesterday. I got up, designed some novelty socks, posted a picture, got bored, put on more PLL. All the while feeling pretty sorry for myself.
It was then, watching a show I’ve seen so often I can genuinely mouth along with certain scenes, that I was hit with sudden inspiration. Right in the middle of watching the same suspects go round and round in and out of suspicion, I had a real, honest to God light-bulb moment. I felt like Thomas Edison himself, on the brink of a massive, life-changing discovery.
I sat up. It suddenly dawned on me… Yes, my entire life is the same TV shows. The same few people. The same activities. But it doesn’t have to be.
Obviously, I’m not going to stop watching PLL. But what I mean is, it suddenly occurred to me that focusing on my friendships doesn’t have to mean only pre-existing friendships. And focusing on my hobbies doesn’t have to mean just designing clothes when I feel like it.
All that I’ve been doing…it’s not enough. If I’m really going to change my life then I need to go even further. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
I know, I know, it’s not my first rodeo… But just because last term was a total disaster, doesn’t mean all my missions will go awry, right? Ladies and gentlemen… I think it’s officially time to begin work on some Brand. New. Resolutions.
posted by EditingEmma 12.29
New Resolutions
ARE. YOU. READY.
So, after A LOT of reflection on all the disasters from last term, I think I figured out partially where I went wrong. Stopping using the internet to torture/alienate myself and actually use it to connect was, in theory, a well-intentioned and worthy mission. However, I think limiting this only to ‘romantic’ connections was my main error… There are all kinds of connections a mere click away from me that are just waiting to be discovered!
This term, I am eschewing love with a firm hand, but I will continue to use the internet to connect, and to improve my life and me as a person. Behold, my new resolutions:
RESOLUTIONS
Spend even more time purely on myself and my own social media profiles.
I will do this by:
1)Not only stopping stalking Leon, but going one step further and actually never referring to him directly. Ever.
2)Not only by keeping on designing and posting on my new fashion blog, but also posting about…wait for it… THE UPCOMING SCHOOL FASHION SHOW.
Now that I’m done finding boys online, spread the platonic love.
I will do this by:
A) Devoting time and attention to my pre-existing pals, but also…
B) Using the internet to SEEK OUT A NEW ONE.
In conclusion, those hobbies and those friends aren’t gonna know what’s hit ’em!!!
posted by EditingEmma 13.09
Phoned Steph to tell her about my resolutions. At first she didn’t say anything. There was just silence.
‘Steph?’ I called. ‘Earth to Steph?’
She took a deep breath. ‘… I don’t even know where to start.’
‘Am I to understand you see flaws in my brilliant plan?’
‘Just a few.’ She sighed.‘OK. First of all, I thought you were going to stop stalking?’
‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Well, I was going to stop stalking Leon… But I never said anything about new buddies! I mean, is stalking for a good cause even stalking at all?!’
‘OK.’ I could practically hear her eyes rolling. ‘Next question. Never mentioning Leon. Like, ever?’
‘Who?’ I asked.
‘Aren’t you sort of giving him more power? Like Voldemort?’
‘No,’ I said.
‘You are. It makes him like this big, scary, lurking thing.’
‘Voldemort was eventually defeated.’
‘Only because Hogwarts faced him head on.’
‘Yeah, well, some wizards got through it by cowering under a bit of rubble. That can be me.’
Steph sighed again. ‘OK. Fine. Leon shall remain nameless from now on.’
I coughed.
‘I mean, You Know Who shall remain nameless from now on.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Last question. A school event?’
I paused. ‘Yes?’
‘A school event, Emma? You?’
‘All right, so it’s a little out of character… ’
Steph snorted
.
‘… but I have sometimes gone to school events.’
So what if a large part of my attendance at My Fair Lady involved hypocritically mocking others for their lack of musical ability? I was still there.
‘I give it three weeks,’ Steph said.
I’ll show her! I’ve already emailed Ms Parker to sign up, and I’m about to get started on…
NEW PALS.
So the concept is a little alien to me and I can’t actually remember the last time I made a new friend… Or, er, how… But how hard can it be, right?! I mean, I have friends. I must have ‘made friends’ with each of them somewhere along the line.
Right…a new friend. A. New. Friend. Hmm.
Maybe for now, I should focus not on the how, but on the who…
And I know exactly where to start…
Hello, laptop, my old friend.
posted by EditingEmma 16.08
Emma’s List of New Bezzies
I’ve spent the last hour drawing up a list of potential new best friends for life, based solely on the Instagram/Twitter profiles of other girls at my college. I have to say…it’s a little bit weird being back here. Internet stalking, I mean. Although obviously it’s completely different this time. In many ways the threat of embarrassment has been completely removed, because there’s so much less that can go wrong. Having said that, it’s sort of harder in a way than when I was looking for a new boyfriend… At least with dating you can look at someone’s picture and know roughly whether or not you find them attractive. But that doesn’t matter with friends. With friends it is literally entirely about personality, which makes this challenging in a different way.
The pool of super-cool ladies seems almost impossibly big. Plus, whilst people put a bit about themselves online, I know from experience it can be a limited view. I mean, Faith posts all those pictures of rocks and twigs and stuff for her art class and we’re still friends. It’s hard to tell sometimes isn’t it?
Still, I’ve done the best I can, based on the somewhat patchy evidence, and drawn up a Top Three.