by Chloe Seager
‘Because I know what you’ve been doing behind my back.’
I frowned. She frowned.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Seriously. You two are free to go out now. I’m not going to stand in the way any more.’
‘Anna. I haven’t been doing anything behind your back.’
‘I saw the messages,’ she said, then added quickly, ‘I was using his timer to bake some muffins. They were already on the screen. I wasn’t going through his phone or anything.’
(Ha. As if she has to explain herself to me, even if she was.)
‘Anna, I haven’t spoken to Leon in weeks!’
‘Please don’t lie, I saw them.’
‘No, really,’ I said, and got out my phone. I rifled way, way far back in my messages, to our conversation that I still haven’t been able to delete. ‘Look, all these are from before summer. Then there are a couple from, um, when that blog went up before half-term. But apart from that zero contact.’
She took my phone from my hands and stared at it. Then she started crying again. I stared in horror for a second.
‘Do you not believe me?!’ I asked.
‘No, I do,’ she said.
Oh God, I thought. Why is she still crying?! What should I do? I sort of wanted to put my arm on her shoulder, but my instincts were telling me it was best not to touch her. In the end I just stood there awkwardly for a bit longer until she stopped. She wiped her eye with her hand and I broke some loo roll off, put some moisturizer from my bag on it and handed it to her.
‘Thanks,’ she said, wiping her barely disturbed make-up.
Then she took one look in her compact mirror, stood up and smiled at me.
‘That’s better. You coming?’ she asked.
‘No. I think I need to sit down for a while.’
‘OK. Bye, Emma,’ she said.
It was all very dignified until she had to squeeze past me and I felt her boobs against mine.
Now I’m sitting here in the stall alone, making sense of the past fifteen minutes. I don’t know what to think. Possibly, I’ve lost the ability to think. In one night, I’ve managed to upset one ex-boyfriend-who-is-lovely-but-I-just-don’t-love, and patch up my other ex-boyfriend-who-I-still-have-feelings-for’s relationship.
Great.
posted by EditingEmma 23.06
Sitting With Adam
I came out of the loos, with every intention of going back inside. But I looked through the door and Claudia and Faith were dancing together, wrapped in their own little love bubble. Andy had arrived and Steph was hugging him. Gracie was chatting to her Cambridge study group. Leon was on stage scanning for someone, presumably Anna. Crazy Holly was teaching her band to octopus dance. Greg was doing lame-dancing with maybe-just-a-friend Shannon. Even Mum was out tonight with the pumpkin carver.
All my friends were off doing their thing, I’d failed catastrophically at making any new ones, and I was still as lonely and pathetically hung up on the same person as ever. In that moment, I’d never felt more like Emma the Unloved.
I really, really wanted to talk to Steph, but I knew I should leave her alone. Just because I’m having a crap night, doesn’t mean I should ruin hers as well.
I looked down the corridor, at Adam, sitting alone swigging his vodka in the gloomy, flickering hallway lights and it just seemed more like where I belonged.
When I sat down next to him, he looked all pleased and moved his Matrix coat out of the way to make room. He’s a little strange (obviously, because he’s friends with Holly) but honestly, I just feel so relieved to not have to be around crowds of people right now. So, I choose vodka with a stranger.
Vodka with a stranger… It could almost sound quite cool and grown up… If we weren’t sitting in my school hallway, and the stranger wasn’t dressed up as Keanu Reeves circa 1999.
I’m typing quite a lot as he talks at me, but either he hasn’t noticed or he just doesn’t care. He’s waffling on about the correct feed for garden squirrels.
posted by EditingEmma 23.38
We moved outside because teachers kept circling the hallway.
And then behind some trees because teachers kept circling outside.
Must they make drinking on school premises quite so difficult?
posted by EditingEmma 00.38
It suddenly got very late when did it get so kate
Adam is not so bad really, he is the vodka bearer.
My horn is telling me to kiss him but I know that wouldb be bad
Very bad
I will not kiss higm, I will not play intyo my sad horn’s trap
My sad sa d horn
posted by EditingEmma 0.45
OH MY GHJOD. WHEN DID I GET TEN MISSED CALLLS.
Oh no no onononoononooooo I must find Steph. STEPPPPPPHHHHHHHG
posted by EditingEmma 01.42
Andy seems very angry like when Graci e is angry they have the same pinkness and botht their lips disappear
Septet is here. STEPH not Septet. Hahah. In a car. When did that happen?
Sunday, 23 November
posted by EditingEmma 12.31
Woke up in Steph’s bed, staring up at Kurt Cobain. What HAPPENED last night? I honestly didn’t think I’d drunk that much vodka. Russian vodka is clearly just as stereotypically lethal as they say it is.
I instinctively turned around for a spoon, but when I put my hand out the other side was empty.
My heart dropped.
It all came flooding back.
I sat up in bed, my heart pounding. Steph’s birthday lunch.
‘Steph?’ I croaked. ‘Steph?!’
I got out of bed. Her special blue mascara was lying out half open on her chest of drawers. I rushed over to her wardrobe… Her favourite leather ankle boots were gone. The house felt deathly still and I could tell they’d left. I knew it, but I really didn’t want to believe it. I picked up the phone.
‘Hello?’ she said.
‘Steph? Where are you? Are you there already?’
‘Yep.’
‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ I whimpered.
‘Um, I kind of assumed, given that you were still vomiting at 4 a.m., that you probably weren’t up to it.’
‘I can come now?’ I said desperately. ‘I can be there in forty-five minutes.’
I started rushing to put clothes on. Crap. I only had last night’s gross, stained clothes. I’d got patches of mud all down my jeans, and on my top as well?! How on earth did I do that? They’d have to do…unless I could I pull off one of Steph’s crop tops?
‘Don’t worry.’ Steph broke my train of thought.
‘Look, I’m so sorry, Steph,’ I garbled. ‘I’m an idiot. I got really upset about…Ugh. Lots of things. I wanted to talk to you about it, but…’
‘It’s all right. You don’t need to make excuses.’
‘No really, I…’
‘Gracie told me about Adam.’
‘Oh my God, NO, it wasn’t like that. It was…’
‘Look, I can’t really talk right now, but Gracie’s probably free.’
‘What?’ I faltered.‘I want to talk to you! It’s your birthday! I want to be there. I can still make it.’
More silence. She cleared her throat.
‘It’s fine, Emma. Andy came with. After he helped you out of the car last night, he slept on the sofa. Anyway, the table’s only for five, so don’t worry about it.’
Silence.
‘Oh…’ I said. ‘I see.’
‘Look, I’ve got to go. They’re bringing the cake. Bye, Emma.’
‘Oh. Bye, Steph,’ I said. ‘… Happy birthday.’
I put down the phone. The huge, sinking stone in my stomach got heavier.
‘What are you looking at?’ I said to Kurt, watching me with judging eyes.
I dived into Steph’s open wardrobe and buried myself in her football kit. It smelled like Steph (like her perfume mixed with the outdoors). I’m not sure how long I lay there for, but eventuall
y I decided it was time to go home and put the muddy trainer I was clutching back in her bag.
What is it with me and smelling people’s things, these days?
I can’t believe I overslept. I can’t believe she didn’t wake me.
I can’t believe this has happened.
posted by EditingEmma 14.05
Oh No
Walked in the door and Mum said, ‘Hi, you’re back early…
What’s this?’
She pulled a twig out of my hair.
And then I remembered.
Running through bushes.
OH MY GOD.
WHYYYYYYY.
So it was after I saw the ten missed calls from Steph. Her parents were supposed to be picking us up at half twelve, and it was already quarter to. I looked out from behind the trees and saw their car in the parking lot. My heart plummeted.
Steph was standing by it, phoning me, and her mum was standing next to her looking a bit concerned.
I remember thinking, even in my very heavily intoxicated state: Steph’s parents categorically CANNOT see me emerging from the bushes, in the middle of the night, with a boy I don’t know. It may as well be my mum watching me emerge from some bushes, in the middle of the night, with a boy I don’t know. But the thing was, the car park was in the middle of where I was supposed to be, in the school, and where I actually was, hiding in some trees.
Things were looking very, very bad for me.
‘What’s wrong?’ Adam asked.
‘I have to go.’
‘All right,’ he said, taking a step out of the trees.
‘NO!’ I cried. ‘I can’t go that way!’
‘Err…’
He looked around him, clearly as stumped as me for another escape route.
I remember thinking, then, that I knew what I had to do. In the moment, I can honestly say it well and truly felt like the only possible option available to me.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I could. I ran like Seabiscuit. I ran all the way around the back of the school field, so that I could re-enter through the back of the school and come out the front like I’d been in there all along.
By the time I got to the car I’d basically nearly collapsed from exhaustion. I was red, puffy and half an hour late. I remember silence on the way back because EVERYONE in that car was well and truly beyond annoyed at me.
Steph said, ‘We saw you running across the back of the field, Emma.’
And then I passed out.
Aggghhhhhh!!! What a TERRIBLE evening!!! So I did get drunk…but Steph still shouldn’t have taken Andy instead of me, right?! I should have just told Steph I was upset about stuff…but I was trying so hard to give her space!
Well, now she REALLY has space!!! Oh God!!
Plus, I keep getting flashbacks of Greg’s pained face as I took my hand away. And a crying Anna. And Leon searching for a crying Anna. And then, to top it all off, I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with a guy in a leather Matrix coat. Aghhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t believe I got so upset I missed the only thing I was looking forward to the whole evening!!! And now I’m even more upset!! I really wanted to go today. I really wanted it to just be the two of us, and her family. Like every year. And now Steph’s there with ANDY.
posted by EditingEmma 16.04
I Can’t Do Anything
This is awful. I can’t even make clothes to distract myself. I accidentally sewed a sleeve onto the boob part of a t-shirt. Kind of like a really pathetic, floppy attempt at a Madonna cone bra. And then when I saw it, I didn’t even laugh.
Andy is in my place right now. My place.
MY. PLACE.
I can just see him there now…telling jokes and making Steph’s parents and sister laugh merrily…talking with them about the news like a real adult…sitting in MY chair and holding hands with MY Steph and…and…eating MY olives. I feel so invisible and sad and betrayed. I’m like…Dickie Greenleaf. And Andy is The Talented Mr Ripley. And NO ONE HAS NOTICED THAT I’VE DIED.
WHY didn’t Steph wake me?!
Ugh. I have so much pent-up frustration. I started doing jumping jacks. Mum came in.
‘What on Earth are you doing?’
‘Jumping jacks.’
She watched me.
‘Why are you watching me?’
‘I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you do physical exercise before. It’s very strange.’
I lay down on the floor, seeing spots.
‘And now it’s over,’ I said.
‘I knew it wouldn’t last,’ she replied and lay down next to me.
We both lay there for a little while, staring up at the ceiling.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.‘Why aren’t you out with Steph and her parents?’
I opened my mouth to speak…then closed it again. I burst into tears. Mum hugged me, but didn’t ask any more questions.
I can’t believe I’m not at Steph’s birthday. I haven’t not been at Steph’s birthday since… Well. Since her tenth birthday. But that wasn’t my fault, because I hadn’t met her yet. Steph’s voice on the phone keeps ringing in my ears. She sounded so distant… She went without me. She didn’t seem to mind that I wasn’t there.
posted by EditingEmma 22.08
Going to sleep in Mum’s bed. She didn’t say anything when I came in, just glanced up from her book and put a pillow out for me.
I want Steph.
But I don’t think she wants me any more.
Monday, 24 November
posted by EditingEmma 07.37
Was RUDELY awoken by my mother, poking me in the back.
‘I told you to get up half an hour ago,’ she barked.
‘I told you I’m not going to school,’ I said, from under the covers.
‘Oh yes, you are.’
‘Oh no, I’m not.’
She tried to rip the covers from on top of me but I clung on like a limpet. Then she BUNDLED ME IN THEM and ROLLED ME ONTO THE FLOOR.
‘How dare you PHYSICALLY ASSAULT ME!’ I yelled, from within my bundle.
‘You’re going to school, even if I have to roll you there myself,’ she said.
She thinks she’s got the upper hand, but I will prevail.
posted by EditingEmma 08.14
Lurking In The Next Street
Waved goodbye to Mum as I left the house. I even thanked her for ‘helping me to see the light’. She looked briefly confused but didn’t seem to smell a rat, which only proves how foolish she is and is therefore basically asking to be tricked.
Now I’m waiting. Waiting and watching in the shadows of Mornington Road. Soon she will go off to work and the house will be mine, all mine. Hmm, now, what will I do with my lovely free day?
I mean, watch Gilmore Girls, obviously. But it doesn’t hurt to pretend to consider other options.
Come on. LEAVE ALREADY.
posted by EditingEmma 08.55
FINALLY. She departs. Excellent timing, because I’ve walked up and down Mornington Road so many times I’m pretty sure the people at number twenty-one think I’m trying to steal their car.
Now… Goodbye, world and sunshine. Hello, darkness and unrealistically fast-paced yet compelling, smart and witty dialogue.
posted by EditingEmma 11.09
CRAP
I’d just settled into a relaxing bath, when Mum phoned me.
‘Hello, love,’ she said. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Er, fine? What’s up?’ I asked.
Panic. Fear. Is this a trick?
DOES SHE KNOW?
‘Just thought I’d give you a bell on your break. Are you OK?’
‘I’m OK,’ I replied.
‘Well, I got you some profiteroles.’
‘Oh, thanks, Mum.’
Ughhhh. No, don’t be nice to me!! Oh God. Starting to feel TERRIBLE about lying. Why did she have to buy me profiteroles!!!
‘All right, I’ll see you at home.’
‘What?! I’m not at home!’
‘I mean later.’
‘Right, yes. Duh. See you later.’
‘I’m not back until seven, but they’ll be waiting in the fridge for you!’
My heart stopped.
‘Err, I thought you were in Hertfordshire today?’
‘I am. I’m just popping them back now.’
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
‘Oh, you don’t have to do that!!! You have more than enough to worry about!!!’
‘Well, I don’t want them to go off.’
‘They’re profiteroles, not raw chicken.’
‘Consuming bad dairy can lead to abdominal cramping and vomiting or diarrhoea. Do you want diarrhoea?’
Unbelievable.
‘No, I don’t want diarrhoea.’
There’s absolutely no point arguing with her about refrigeration or expiry dates.
WHAT CAN I DO?!
posted by EditingEmma 11.15
Great. Just Great.
For the second time today, I’m lurking on Mornington Road waiting for Mum to leave. But this time I have wet hair in a towel and I’m wearing a pink, fluffy dressing gown.
Oh come on.
The same old woman who thought I was trying to steal her car earlier is peering at me out of the window. I waved at her and she held up her phone and pointed at it, as if to warn me that she might call the police.
What crime is it, exactly, that she thinks I’m going to commit in my sloth slippers?!
posted by EditingEmma 11.41
Back inside now. Staring at the profiteroles, feeling empty and hollow.
I was sort of managing to bury myself in Gilmore Girls, but now I feel really, really low.
And I’ve started stalking Steph online. When did that happen?
How did I suddenly get back to Year 11 without even noticing?
posted by EditingEmma 15.05
I’ve looked at so many pictures of Steph it’s like I can’t really see her face any more. Only all her individual features. You know, like when you say a word over and over, like, um…platypus… and it stops being a word and just becomes a jumble of letters?
Platypus. Platypus. Platypus. Plat-y-pus. P-l-a-t-y-p-u-s.
Steph’s nose. Steph’s big brown eyes. Steph’s hair. Steph’s mocha-coloured skin. All the parts that make up Steph.