by Chloe Seager
‘Emma, what are you doing?’
‘Oh well, thanks for noticing, guys, I could have been abducted, blindfolded, pushed into a van and heading towards the M25 by now.’
‘Come on,’ whined Gracie, ‘let’s go home.’
‘Look!’ I said, gesturing to the gate.
Gracie and Faith turned in the direction I was pointing.
‘What?’
‘See that person, leaning by the gate in black? Is that…is that Holly’s friend?’
Gracie’s eyes widened in fear.
‘Maybe.’ Faith squinted. ‘Hang on, let me go and investigate.’
Good old Faith. She walked up to the gate, stood around checking her phone as if she was waiting for someone who wasn’t there yet, sighed and turned around. She’s so collected. If that were me, I’d have been looking side to side all shifty, got my phone out and dropped it, then fallen over attempting to pick it up.
She circled back to us.
‘Yup, it’s him,’ she said.
‘WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!’ I shouted.
Faith shrugged. ‘Waiting for Holly?’
‘Holly went to the post office to pick up her new abstract drumsticks.’
‘Oh God,’ said Gracie, ‘he’s waiting for you.’
‘What are abstract drumsticks?’ asked Faith.
‘I have no idea.’
‘GUYS,’ said Gracie, ‘hello?! Emma, what are you going to do?!’
‘I don’t know. Stay here until he leaves?’
‘How long will that take?!’
‘Um, let me just check my crystal ball.’
Gracie blinked at me three times.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘This is just a bit stressful. What would you suggest?’
Gracie sighed. ‘I guess there’s nothing else to do, is there?’
‘Right. We might as well set up camp, then.’
I put my blazer on the floor.
‘Uh, we?’ asked Faith.
‘You’re not leaving me?!’ I screeched.
‘It may come as a shock, Emma, but there’s actually quite a lot I’d rather be doing than hiding from some weird dude who has a crush on you. You’re the prisoner here. I’m free.’
‘I don’t believe this!’
‘Bye, see you tomorrow.’
She started walking off. I looked at Gracie.
‘And what about you?’ I asked.
Gracie looked wistfully after Faith, then sat down on my blazer.
‘All right,’ she said. ‘But please can you sit there and block out Willie Thomas doing squats.’
‘Deal,’ I said.
posted by EditingEmma 17.30
FREEDOM
I’ve escaped!! Finally!!! After ten minutes of sitting there, I could feel Gracie’s resolve was waning. She was getting all restless and whingey.
‘Ugh, he’s still there!!!’ she said, shifting on her bottom.
We both peered over at him, standing stock-still and staring into the distance. Everyone had gone home by now.
‘How about a game of Boggle?’ I said, in a last-ditch attempt to get her to stay with me.
‘I do love Boggle…’ She bit her lip.
‘Excellent,’ I said, opening it on my phone.
Then she shook her head.
‘No, I’m sorry, Emma,’ she said firmly, standing up. ‘I’ve got to get home. My dad’s making lasagne.’
I knew I’d lost her then. There’s no way I can reasonably compete with lasagne.
‘FINE. GO. I hope you’re happy and full!!’ I shouted.
‘Ughhhhh,’ she said. ‘I feel bad leaving you here.’
‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘Go on without me.’
Then Gracie came up with an ingeniously ingenious plan.
‘Unless…’ she said.
‘Unless?!’ I repeated, clutching at a feeble straw of hope.
‘You could maybe hide under my coat.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Is that it?! Is that your big idea?! Hiding under your coat?’
Then she started walking off.
‘No, no! Wait, wait! Come back! Gracie!’
She carried on walking.
‘I just meant, he’ll probably notice you have four legs! Gracie! Come back!’
She paused reluctantly and sighed. ‘They’re just about to close the gym, so all these guys will come out. I thought we could slip by him in the crowd.’
At that point, I was willing to try anything. Five minutes later, I was shrouded in darkness, hidden under Gracie’s coat. We must have looked like one of those ludicrous fake horses in a play. Except even more ludicrous.
‘Emma,’ Gracie hissed, ‘stop hugging me from behind. You’re so weird.’
‘But it’s so cosy in here.’
‘Willie Thomas is on the move. There are a few other people trailing behind. Do you think five people is enough to mask us?’
‘It’ll have to do,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘It’ll have to do.’
‘You want a Frube?’
I stuck my head out of the coat. ‘I said, it will have to do. Why, do you have a Frube?’
‘Get back under!’
‘OK, OK. Let’s go.’
We began shuffling. It really was incredibly difficult and I kept accidentally kicking the back of Gracie’s feet. It also became increasingly hard to breathe down there.
‘Oh, um, hi, Willie,’ I heard Gracie say.
Making conversation with Willie Thomas on my behalf. Now that’s true friendship.
Eventually, we made it past and waited until we were a safe distance away, before breaking apart and doing a celebratory dance.
‘WE DID IT!’ I yelled.
‘Woop woop!’ Gracie laughed.
‘Shall we go back to yours for a game of Boggle?’
‘I’d like that,’ she said. And then, ‘Are you only asking because of the lasagne?’
‘I do like lasagne.’
posted by EditingEmma 19.51
Ideas v. Reality
I was at Gracie’s, letting her beat me at Boggle and eating tons of food, when suddenly she started babbling about this movie where this hot guy meets a woman in a coffee shop, decides he’s in love with her and waits at the same place at the same time every day to buy her mocha latte, until she agrees to go out with him.
‘It’s so romantic,’ she sighed. ‘That sort of stuff never happens in real life.’
I stared at her, stunned. Truly stunned.
‘You mean, like, someone meeting someone once, and then sending lots of over-the-top gifts to their house?’
‘Exactly,’ she sighed wistfully.
‘And when that person asks them to stop, waiting for them outside school?’
She registered my meaning.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I don’t think it’s really the same with Adam.’
‘Why is it not the same?’
She thought for a second.
‘Because…he’s weird.’
‘I agree. Completely. But…why is he any weirder than that man in the film?’
‘He just…is.’
‘No no,’ I said. ‘You’re going to have to give me a solid reason.’
She shrugged.
‘Is it because he’s less attractive?’ I asked.
‘Um, yeah maybe.’
‘But aren’t most people less attractive than film stars? I mean, is it one set of rules for super attractive people and another set for others? How is that fair?’
She kept thinking.
‘It’s not the attractive thing,’ she said. ‘Adam looks fine. I don’t know… He’s just…creepy.’
‘Based on what?’
‘The gifts.’
‘And if the guy in the film did it?’
‘… Different.’
‘IT SO ISN’T!’ I yelled.
‘It is.’ She nodded.
‘I think,’ I ventured, ‘that if some hot guy you met once actually started turning up ev
ery day trying to get you to go out with him, you’d be really put off.’
‘Not if he was the man of my dreams…’
‘But how would you know? How would you know whether he was the man of your dreams or not, until you actually went out with him? Before that, he’s just some guy.’
Then she got out her little list and waved it at me.
‘So let me get this straight. You’ll double-check the list with the stalker guy, and if he meets all the criteria his stalking is romantic, and if not, his stalking is just…stalking.’
‘Um…yes.’
Evidence: Our ideas of romance are SO backwards.
Tuesday, 9 December
posted by EditingEmma 11.21
The Dreaded ‘Queef’
When Faith came into the sixth form centre for break, I thought she looked a bit…peaky.
‘Are you all right, Faith?’ I asked.
‘What? Oh, yes.’
Silence.
‘You look a bit ill.’
Gracie shuffled away from her.
‘No, I’m OK.’
More silence.
‘Apart from my sick vagina.’ She buried her head in her hands.
Gracie and I looked at each other.
‘What’s wrong with your vagina?!’
She took a deep breath. ‘I can’t even…’
‘What? What is it?’
‘Can I ask you something?’ She looked up, with desperation in her eyes.
‘Yes.’
‘Has your vagina ever…made a noise?’
I suppressed a laugh. ‘What kind of noise?! You mean like, burst into song?!’
‘Obviously not,’ she snapped.
Man, she was moody today.
‘Oh,’ Gracie said suddenly. ‘OH.’
Faith reached over for her hands.
‘Has it happened to you, too?’
Gracie grimaced. ‘In yoga,’ she said.
‘Ohhhhh,’ I said, finally getting what they were talking about. ‘You mean a queef?’
‘SHHHHH,’ whispered Gracie. ‘Emma!’
‘Queef,’ I repeated. ‘What a silly word.’
‘Why?!’ Faith continued.‘What kind of cruel universe is this?!’
‘Did it happen with Claudia?’ I asked.
Faith nodded slowly.
‘Oh God,’ Gracie said, like she was about to throw up.
I blinked at her three times.
‘I know,’ Faith said, putting her head back in her hands.
‘Oh my God, that’s…what did you do?!’ Gracie went on.
I blinked and blinked and blinked.
‘Was it…was it awful?’
By this point I was leaning towards her and blinking so much I practically fell out of my chair. Gracie finally got the hint and pressed her lips together.
‘Faith,’ I said, ‘it’s fine. You love Claudia. Claudia loves you. You’re in an actual loving, stable, caring relationship. It’s not going to be ruined by a queef.’
‘No, I know,’ she said, sitting up. ‘But it was SO EMBARRASSING.’
‘How did Claudia react?’
‘She just carried on.’
‘There you go! See, she doesn’t care!’
‘I care,’ said Faith. ‘I couldn’t relax afterwards. I kept waiting for it to happen again. I’d get into it a bit, but then remember it and tense up. I was like that woman trapped in her car by Cujo, and every time she thought it was safe the dog would rear its ugly head again.’
‘I’m pretty sure that was Stephen King’s intention,’ I said. ‘That Cujo would become a metaphor for a queef.’
‘I didn’t even know it was a thing,’ Faith moaned.
‘Have you never done yoga?’ Gracie asked.
‘And you know what the worst part is. I looked it up, and there’s nothing you can do! It’s irrepressible. Do we not have enough to worry about with our vaginas?! Is there nothing they don’t expel uncontrollably? Blood? Gas? What next? Ribena?’
‘They are troublesome fiends,’ I agreed.
‘You can’t keep it in?’ Gracie paled.
‘No. Because it’s not like a regular fart. It’s just…trapped air with nowhere to go.’
There was a moment’s silence as Gracie digested this news.
‘You’re a real expert on queefing now,’ I said.
‘Knowledge is power. The more I understand it, the less I will fear it,’ Faith said.
I patted her on the back.
posted by EditingEmma 13.08
Lunchtime Awkwardness
Over the past couple of weeks, Steph and I have somehow managed to miss each other at lunchtimes. Either I’ve been in the design room, or she’s been with her football team, and sometimes I’ve asked Gracie to go with me early.
But today we ran right into each other.
I came out holding my tray with Gracie. Steph came out holding her tray with Faith.
We all stood awkwardly for a moment, until Faith rolled her eyes. ‘Guys, let’s sit here?’
So we did.
Faith and Gracie started chatting whilst I remained deathly quiet. So did Steph. I couldn’t help wondering why she wasn’t saying anything. I mean, I knew why I wasn’t…because I was upset. But even if Steph didn’t want to be friends with me any more, surely she’d still be chatting to Faith and Gracie?
Eventually Faith said, ‘So how’s your stalker, Emma?’
Steph looked up from her mashed potato.
‘By the way,’ Faith went on, ‘have I yet pointed out the irony of you, Ms Internet Stalker, getting a real life one?’
‘No, but very helpful, thanks.’
‘What happened yesterday, anyway? Did he go away?’
‘Um, me and Gracie shuffled past him under a coat,’ I said.
Steph frowned, clearly confused as to what the hell we were talking about.
Faith gave a short, sharp laugh. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘No, she’s not kidding,’ said Gracie, wrinkling her nose. ‘It took for ever.’
Suddenly, Steph got up. ‘Sorry, forgot something,’ she mumbled and left. Faith and Gracie were still talking about Weird Adam, and I watched Steph as she retreated from the hall.
Huh. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it seemed like she was… upset?
Was I imagining it?!
I probably was. I bet she really did have to go.
posted by EditingEmma 22.09
What Is The Saddest Thing Someone Could Ever Do?
I think I may possible have just done it.
Aghhhhh. I don’t even want to admit it!!!
OK. I was looking at my Instagram profile, assessing my general aesthetic and pondering which posts were getting more attention etc., etc., etc. And there was the picture of the moose with barely any likes or comments.
And…Mum’s phone was sitting next to me. Out on the coffee table.
… I think you can probably put two and two together.
I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’ve stooped so low. So incredibly low.
I liked my own post.
I LIKED. My OWN. POST.
PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
Not even someone else… PRETENDING TO BE MY MOTHER.
Oh my God. It’s sad enough when the only person who gives a post any attention is your parent. Let alone when it’s actually you, disguised as your parent.
This is an awful, awful day. Who am I?! Why don’t I just make some fake profiles and give myself likes all the time, like the strange people on Catfish? Hell, why don’t I just make an entire neighbourhood of fake acquaintances? What’s the difference between real people and made-up people anyway? God, I’m sickened by myself. Sickened and appalled.
…Especially because…well, I was joking but…now that I think about it…That’s actually sounding like quite an appealing prospect.
I need help.
Wednesday, 10 December
posted by EditingEmma 13.38
Faith and Gracie
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Today, the same thing happened at lunch again. I went early with Gracie, and Faith and Steph just happened to already be there.
I stopped in the aisle, suddenly smelling a rat. ‘You two are doing this on purpose, aren’t you?’ I barked at Gracie.
She bit her lip. Then Faith started waving us over. I blinked three times at Gracie.
‘Hey!’ she said. ‘I haven’t done anything to merit a blink! That was an inadmissible blink!’
‘Yeah, well. That’s what you get for INTERFERING,’ I said, still blinking.
We reached the table. For a while it was much the same as yesterday, i.e. Faith and Gracie chatting away whilst me and Steph stared at our food.
Then Faith asked Steph how it was going with Andy.
‘We’re not speaking,’ she replied, without looking up.
I’m not proud of it, but my heart almost leapt out of my chest in excitement. I sneaked a glance at her, dabbing around at her fishcake with her fork.
‘What happened?’ continued Faith.
‘I…I got some period blood on his bed.’ She grimaced.
There was a silence. Words rose up in my throat. Anger bubbled in my stomach. I tried not to speak…I really did… But I just…couldn’t…hold…it…in…
‘So what?!’ The words burst out.
Everyone stared at me. The seal of our silence had been broken. There was anticipation in the air as we waited for Steph’s response.
‘Well, exactly,’ Steph looked up from her fishcake, into my eyes. The direct eye contact made my already leaping heart start doing the tango. ‘So what, right? But when he saw it he got all weird, and then all overly polite and patronizing, like, Oh it’s OK, Steph. Don’t worry about it, Steph, whilst looking like he was going to throw up.’
‘Oh no.’ Faith shook her head.
‘I think he genuinely thought he was being nice.’
‘He’s my brother and I love him,’ said Gracie, ‘but, oh dear.’
‘I mean, it’s RIDICULOUS,’ Steph went on. ‘The boy spends half his time on video games fake-shooting or watching zombies eat people, and he goes all faint about a spot of blood?’
‘Yes but this blood is different, Steph,’ I said. ‘Because it came from your vagina.’
Steph laughed. It felt really, really good to be laughing together.
It felt really good to be bitching about Andy together.
No no no. Bad thought. Go away.
‘WHY does that make it gross?’ Steph yelped. ‘I mean, he doesn’t find my VAGINA gross. I can tell you that much.’