by Jillian Hart
He was letting the little boy down. It destroyed him. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It had to be done. There was no changing that. He was Sarah’s little boy. The two of them would share Christmas together and all the good times that went with the holiday. The two of them would be a family, a real family.
He wasn’t part of that. Never would be. So he tucked away his own disappointments and secured the emotional perimeter.
Be in control, soldier, he demanded as one set of elevator doors yawned open. He felt nothing, nothing at all as the woman he once loved and the child he did boarded the elevator.
He did an about face and marched away. If he was going to stay in control of his emotions, he had to keep going. He couldn’t take glancing over his shoulder as the doors were closing and seeing the sadness on Ali’s little face. Mike couldn’t take knowing he was the reason why.
At least she survived her run-in with Mike. Sarah looked up from her work. Today’s classwork papers were scattered across the dining-room table. Clarence lay curled on top of a back couch cushion snoozing. The TV was on for noise, tuned to a classic movie channel, and the living room was alight with a black-and-white glow from the screen.
Mike. He had looked exhausted. This last year had changed him. His deployment had obviously been a tough one. Had he had someone to turn to?
She stuck a gold star on Amanda Mayhew’s alphabet worksheet and added a smiley face. She had been the one Mike had turned to during his previous tours of duty. He was a man who kept to himself, who held in his emotions and disappointments, and she knew the pressures he worked under. He was a gifted surgeon, and he gave everything he had to his patients. She knew. There had been a time when she had wanted that kind of commitment from him, too.
She felt shame over that now. Mike’s sincerity and devotion had been one of the things she admired about him right from the start. His desire to save others, to serve others made him the right kind of man, in her opinion. She knew that desire could eat him alive, if he wasn’t careful. He tried so hard. He cared more than most.
Lord, please watch over him tonight. Help him find peace. The prayer rose from her heart without premeditation or thought. She checked Josie Mayhew’s paper, fixed a gold star in the right hand corner and drew a smiley face.
“Noooooo. Noooooo.” Ali’s tortured cry echoed down the hall.
Sarah was on her feet, rushing toward his room. Not another nightmare. Poor baby. She padded into his room. Was he still asleep? “Ali?”
“Sarah!” He flew into her arms, sobs shaking him.
She felt hot tears against her throat as she lifted him into her lap. “It’s all right. You’re okay.”
“Okay,” he said through a sob. “My mama’s all gone.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” She kissed the crown of his head, blinking hard.
Olga Terenkov, the grief counselor at the church, had assured her these nightmares were perfectly normal. There were so many emotions and anxieties children Ali’s age didn’t know how to verbalize.
“I dreamed that I l-lost her.” Ali’s voice went high and thin. “We was in a market and I looked and looked for her.”
“She’s in Heaven watching over you.”
“That’s what the pastor says.”
Pastor Fields. Sarah snuggled her boy a little tighter. “Our minister is very smart. I’m sure he’s right.”
Ali fell silent, breathing hard as he wrestled down his sobs. She started to hum a comforting tune, one her mother had sang to her when she was little. The child in her arms began to relax.
“S-Sarah?”
She leaned her cheek against his soft hair. “What is it, honey?”
“You won’t leave, will you?”
“No. I’ll be right here. I’ll always be here for you.”
“Okay.” Ali sighed, his arms wrapping tighter around her neck. “I think my mama would like that.”
Her eyes burned. The tears she had been holding back slipped down her face. She prayed for the woman she had never known half a world away who had been killed senselessly. She prayed for this child and for the children everywhere who were hurting. She prayed for the soldiers who risked their lives to protect all of them. Hours passed and still she held Ali, hoping her love was enough to keep his nightmares at bay.
The ground quaked beneath his feet hard enough to jar him and rock the monitors. Good thing he had braced himself. The overhead lights dimmed and brightened. The mortar strike had been close. Too close. Again.
“At least there aren’t any bullets this time.” Judging by his tone, Tom was grinning behind his mask. “It’s kind of funny how you get used to this.”
“You ain’t seen nothing yet.” The real concern was getting this bleeding stopped. Liver wounds were tricky. “I’m not losing this kid. Carrie, how’s his pressure?”
“Steady for now.”
That hadn’t always been the case. His patient—Ben Sutton—was just twenty-one years old. Mike thought of his mother somewhere stateside who might not yet know he was gravely injured, Ben had been choppered off the battlefield. He thought of all the people back home who loved and cared about this boy. He thought of the long, good life Ben deserved.
You can’t let him die, Montgomery. The back of his neck burned from what was already a long night of work. The kid’s liver was a mess. “We’ve got to excise this half here. There’s no saving it. Then maybe he’s got a chance. Tom, grab—”
“Doctor, he’s dropping. Fast.”
The monitor flatlined. Just like that. “Don’t you die on me, Ben. C’mon—” But he stood helpless as his team burst to life around him. He was frozen in time, unable to move, unable to make a difference.
You have to save Ben, he scolded himself. Do something. Anything—
Mike shot awake, sitting up in the dark. Where was he? His harsh, rasping breathing echoed in the stillness. Sweat poured off him. His hands were shaking. He’d had the dream again, the one where he’d stood motionless, dreaming that he was unable to help, suspended in time.
That wasn’t how it happened, but the dream kept haunting him. Failure, dark and deep, grasped his soul. He hung his head and tried to still his breathing. He was home now. Gone were the blood-soaked scrubs and young Ben Sutton lifeless on his table. What lingered was the suffocating sense of failure.
I did everything right. He pressed his hands to his face. I did everything there was to do.
But it hadn’t been enough. He hadn’t been enough. He had fought for Ben’s life as if it were his own. No one could have done more. His team had reassured him of that. His commanding officer had confirmed it. Losing a soldier on his table made a piece of him die, too. There had been too many losses on this last deployment; too much of him was missing.
How did he get the image of Ben Sutton out of his mind? Mike rubbed his eyes, threw back the twisted sheets and climbed out of bed. He didn’t know what he needed. He didn’t know what would help.
Just keep walking, Major. He wandered down the dark hall into the kitchen. The ambient light from the microwave and stove clock cast enough glow for him to get a glass of water without turning on the lights. He didn’t want lights. He felt if he stayed hidden in the shadows, his failures would have a harder time of finding him. He knew it wasn’t true, but it helped him to get through the night.
He chugged down the fresh, cool water and tried to swallow another thought as well. There was another glaring reason he wasn’t doing so well this time out. He had an overwhelming need to pick up the phone and dial her number. Hearing Sarah’s voice and her gentle understanding could always soothe him.
He squeezed his eyes shut, set the glass on the counter and willed his mind to stop. He couldn’t allow himself to even think about reaching out to her. He was alone now. He had to deal. He had to stand on his own feet. It didn’t pay to lean on other people.
In the end, you were alone anyway.
Alone, he headed down the hall, knowing he didn’t have a chance in heaven
to get back to sleep. Dawn wasn’t far away.
Saturday morning came too soon. Sarah had managed to grab some sleep on the other twin bed in Ali’s room and the rest of his night had gone smoothly, but she had kept waking up to check on him. She felt as if she were stumbling around the kitchen finishing up the breakfast dishes.
She had made Ali’s favorite breakfast of pancakes with a smiling strawberry jam mouth, two blueberries for eyes and chocolate syrup for hair. He’d been hungry and with his second stack, he made his own faces with the strips of bacon and chocolate chips. Not the most nutritious breakfast on earth, but at least he was smiling. His losses weren’t forgotten, but at least they weren’t weighing on him.
“Clarence loves me.” Ali sat in the middle of the living room floor with the cat on his lap, squeezing him with both arms. The cat lay limp, enduring the public display of affection. “I love him, too. He’s my friend.”
“Yes, he is.” Sarah rinsed the last of the silverware and dumped it into the dishwasher basket. “Only a true friend would let you hug him like that.”
“You know what?”
Uh-oh. She recognized that mischievous look in those sweet brown eyes. “What?”
“Dr. Mike’s my friend.”
Oh, boy, here we go again. She pushed the bottom rack in and closed the dishwasher door. “Mike is very much your friend, but you and I have another busy day.”
“’Cuz we’re seein’ Dr. Mike?” Ali gave Clarence a final squeeze and released him.
“Mike probably has a thousand things to do. He got back from deployment a week ago. Besides, the two of us have plans.”
“We do?”
As if she hadn’t told him yesterday. Thinking about seeing Mike used to have that effect on her, too, it made everything else unimportant. “We have the little matter of doing our shopping and picking out our Christmas tree.”
“We’re gonna put it here.” Ali skipped over to where one couch stood in front of the front window. He spread his arms wide, indicating the exact spot.
“That’s a good spot.” After she shoved the couch to the other side of the room, of course. “We can keep the blinds up at night so everyone going by can see the Christmas-tree lights, too.”
“That’s what Dr. Mike said.”
Somehow she was going to have to get used to the stabbing pains in her chest at the mention of Mike’s name. Ali was not going to stop talking about his hero any time soon. She had to learn to cope.
She grabbed the hand towel from the oven handle. “Turn the TV off for me, please. We’ve got to get started on our errands.”
“Okay.” Ali seemed particularly eager. He hopped over to the remote, hit it and dropped it back on the coffee table on his way through the room. He was moving at a good clip. He must be really excited about getting a tree.
Good. She wanted to make the day as easy as possible for him. Clarence wrapped around her ankles on his way to his water bowl. She ran her fingertips through his soft fur and was rewarded with a rusty purr. She made sure he had some dry food to snack on in his food dish before she gathered up her purse and keys.
Ali breezed into sight with a grin on his face. He had changed into the T-shirt and matching sweatshirt that Mike had sent him several months ago.
“You look handsome. Are you ready to go?”
“Yep.” He stood military straight in front of her, except for that adorable, wide grin, the cutie.
She loved this little boy. Although she wasn’t his adopted mom yet, it sure felt as if she was as she handed him his coat and hat and helped him into both. She thought about the life she had dreamed about with Mike and the future she had expected to have with him.
It was strange how life had a way of working out. He was right. That dream hadn’t been meant for them, but she was beginning to see the wisdom behind God’s plan for her. It might have been hard on her heart losing Mike, but look at what she had gained. A life she wasn’t constantly chasing after trying to catch hold of. She had a sweet little boy to love. She had a family.
Who knew where God’s path would take her next? Wherever it was, it would be good. For the first time in a long while, she believed without doubt. Her faith may be new, but it was strengthening by the day.
While she locked up, Ali knelt down to look at the rocks in the flowerbed. Finding none, he took her hand. As they walked the short distance to the carport in the back, they had a perfect view of Marlon’s house, Ali’s grandfather who had passed away recently. The house sat dark and closed up. A flash of red and white caught her attention.
A realtor sign. The house was up for sale. Somehow that made his passing even sadder. Soon the home would sell and new people would move in, as if to erase the memory of the terse curmudgeon who had lived there. Marlon was all bark and no bite, she had learned. She had cared for him. Underneath his gruffness, he had been a good man.
Ali didn’t notice the sign. He was staring straight up at the sky, watching for helicopters flying on training missions from the post.
“Sarah?”
“What is it?”
“We’re gonna get a big tree, right?”
“A big tree, sure. Just not a gigantic tree because it won’t fit in the living room.”
That made him giggle. He clapped his hands together bounding up to the SUV. “Okay, a big tree!”
“Think of all the lights we can put on it.” Sarah unlocked his door.
“A hundred.” Ali climbed into the backseat. His shadowed eyes hinted at his tough night, but his smile was bright and full of promise. “A hundred hundred! A zillion.”
“I don’t know. A zillion is an awful lot of lights.” Sarah couldn’t help joking as she helped him with his car seat buckle. “I know I don’t have that many lights in storage. We’ll have to buy more.”
“Lots more. Flashing ones.” He grinned, all buckled up.
She laughed, shutting the back door. “Oh, no. Not more flashing lights.”
“Yep! They’re the best.”
“I don’t know about that.” She kept her voice light, so he would know she was joking with him. As she slid behind the wheel, she saw his cute button face in her rearview mirror and her heart squeezed with an ever-deeper love. “I was planning on white lights. The kind that don’t flash at all.”
“Sarah!” Ali shook his head. “Don’t you know the flashing ones are better?”
“I suppose you’re right,” she agreed, starting the engine. “But if we want a zillion lights, we are going to have to put buying them on our errand list.”
“Okay.” Ali sounded so eager. He clapped his hands again.
She remembered being five and going with her parents and older sister to get their tree. She backed out of the driveway into the street. “You can pick out your ornaments, too.”
“I want soldiers like Dr. Mike.”
How did she know? Sarah tried not to roll her eyes as she drove down the street. A military theme would be an interesting complement to her precious porcelain ornaments she had collected over the years. Ornaments, she realized with a start, that were ones Mike had given her. While her mother had started the collection long ago for her, Sarah added to it yearly. And when she and Mike had become serious, he had always bought her one as a surprise during the Christmas season.
Well, maybe she would keep those wrapped up in their storage boxes another year. She would see how many boxes of glass ball ornaments she could fit into her budget. The fewer reminders of Mike the better.
“Wait. This isn’t the way to Dr. Mike’s!” Ali’s cheer was gone.
When she checked the mirror, she saw him swiveling around, looking around. Gone, too, was his calm. Distressed, he struggled against his seat belt.
“Sarah, you go the wrong way.” Emotion thinned his voice. He sounded so small and vulnerable. “We got to get Dr. Mike.”
Mike? Where had he gotten such an idea? Sarah checked for traffic and pulled over to the curb. “Honey, Mike is busy doing his own stuff. Why are you cr
ying? Here, let me get a tissue.”
“He’s supposed to come with us.”
“Did he tell you so?” She remembered the night when she had been visiting with John in Whitney’s room. Ali and Mike had been alone chatting for a bit. Maybe they had discussed it then? It was the only thing that made sense.
“Yes. He said—” He hiccoughed. “When we was puttin’ up the lights—”
“On the house?”
“Yes. He said we was gonna put the tree at the window. He s-said it. He did.”
“Okay. It’s all right.” She wedged herself between the front seats to gently wipe away his tears. She couldn’t imagine Mike making that promise, so it only stood to reason Ali had misunderstood. It wouldn’t be the first time. He wanted to spend time with Mike so badly, was all. She hated the heartbreak on his face. He needed Mike. It was that simple.
I need your help to ease out of his life. He’s more dependent than I thought. Mike’s words came back to her. Typical Mike. Relationships were easy for him, simple, black and white. She had always been the one trying so hard, she could see that now. She could recognize it easier looking at Ali, all tears and heartbreak. He had grown to love the man who had stepped into a protective father role when Ali had been alone in a wartorn part of the world, and now Mike just thought he could waltz away. No harm, no foul.
Well, she had a thing or two to say to the man. She had always kept her cool. She was the one who tried hard to see the other side of every argument most of the time. But not now. She grabbed her cell and made a call.
“You just forgot, right, Sarah?” Ali sniffled. “You gonna turn around now so we can see Dr. Mike?”
“Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of it.” She waited for the phone to connect, her heart pounding. No answer. So she pounded out a text message. Town center at eleven o’clock. Ali needs you. Don’t be late.
She didn’t add that he had better be there. Mike Montgomery was a good man in countless ways, but she was not going to let him get away with making her little boy cry. Mike Montgomery had finally met his match, and the poor man had no idea.