“Sit down, Ford. I think it’s time we had a talk.”
I caught my breath and whirled again toward the refrigerator, trying to gather my thoughts. I grabbed another bottle and as I came close to him, tossed it. He caught it reflexively and twisted off the cap. Unwilling to let him take control of the conversation as though I was an errant child, I said, “What do you want?”
His eyebrows went up. “I might ask the same of you, son. You’ve chosen to move in as a neighbor without so much as letting us know you were alive. Your mother and I have been worried sick.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, I can tell.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’ve been on my own now for years, and you haven’t reached out with so much as a finger to find me.”
“Where’s Bernie?”
“Dead. Screwed one too many asses.”
“Ford…” he growled the name, his jaw tight. “That man was a part of this family, and he gave up his life for you.”
I took a swig of my beer. “Yeah, you’re right. In fact, he was more of a father to me than my own.”
My father winced, though it seemed not entirely authentic. “So, that’s where we are, is it?”
“You could say so.”
“What’s with this Sansabri charade?” His voice was stern no matter how casual he was attempting to sound. A man of his profession should be better at passive interrogation.
“Think about it. It’ll come to you.” Nothing escaped him. He was toying with me.
“Well, just from observation I’d say that you went to a great deal of trouble to get next to the family without our knowing about it, although I’d say you wanted to get discovered. If you didn’t, you’d have stayed in Mexico. Second, I’m wondering why you felt the need for stealth. We’re your family, and you belong with us. If I’d known where you were, I’d have come looking for you long ago.”
“Oh, really?” My sarcasm was thick.
He sat forward in his chair. “Ford, it all happened in the space of an afternoon. You got out of the institution and were on the run. We knew they would come looking for you at home first. We had to be accounted for, so the only person who could take you was Bernie. In fact, he volunteered, and we trusted him implicitly. There was no other choice. I set up a quick route to get money to you, and we didn’t have the time to work out contingencies. I’m guessing when he died, you were without funds. All you had to do was get word to me.”
“Sure, right. You gave me a big calling card with instructions how to do that without getting picked up by the Federales, right?”
He sighed and leaned back again. “I guess you had a tough time of it, son. I’m sorry for that and yet in a way, you had to go through that. It wasn’t your fault. Your mother and I did a piss poor job of preparing you for life outside our neat, safe little circle.”
“Well, at least we can agree to that,” I stated. “You had enough presence of mind to lock me up, didn’t you?”
His eyes narrowed. “Hey. You made choices that took that out of my hands. That was the judge’s doing.”
“And you mean to tell me, given the LaViere name and fortune, you couldn’t buy my way out? Get off your moral high horse and be real, Father. You simply didn’t give a shit!”
“Not true! Damnit, no, I wasn’t the best parent. I admit that. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t care. It’s two different things. I loved and still love you, as does your mother. She asks me about you all the time. I’d already screwed up so bad and had no idea how to undo it. All I could think of was keeping everyone safe. I didn’t want you institutionalized again.”
“Keep the big crazy kid away from the sweet innocent babes, is that how it went down?” My voice held a deep bitterness. My phone dinged then, and I looked down to see a message from Liane: Breath and keep your dignity.
Her abilities were unbelievable.
“So what changed?” he was asking.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, something has changed. One day you’re spying on us from beneath tree branches and the next you’re getting your birth certificate and driver’s license — coming out, so to speak. What prompted this sudden change of heart?”
“You’ll meet her.”
He slapped his thigh then. “You’re my son, there’s no doubt about that. It’s always a woman that brings us to our knees.”
I let his remark pass. I wouldn’t play his game. We drank in silence, each contemplating which move would protect our queen.
“Will you come down to dinner? Come see your mother and the twins?”
“Not yet.”
Sadness crept into his eyes, but he wiped it away quickly. “I see. Want this kept quiet?”
“I do.”
“I won’t be able to keep it from her forever. She doesn’t deserve that, Ford.”
“I go by Hawk.”
“Hawk, then.” He smiled. “You always did want to be one, as I remember. So how long do I have to keep quiet?”
“I’ll let you know.”
“She must be damned special.”
I felt her mental hug. “You have no idea.”
“Alright, have it your way. I’ll keep this between us for now, but it won’t be forever. Your mother deserves to know you’re safe. It killed a part of her when you left. Believe that or not, it’s your choice. I’m the bastard in all this, son. Give her the love she remembers from you. You two used to be pretty close, as I recall.”
“You leaving now?” I suggested, mockery dripping from my voice.
He stood and walked out the door. There were no parting words.
My hand was shaking a bit when he left. I hadn’t been prepared for that. I’d wanted it to be better rehearsed, set on my terms, not his. I would never underestimate him again. I tapped Liane’s number, and she answered on the first ring.
“I knew you were calling,” she said. “I already had the phone in my hand.”
I nodded. “I came home to find my father in my living room. He’d had people watching for me, and someone called him when I applied for a replacement birth certificate.”
“You didn’t see that coming?” she asked, and I was a bit embarrassed.
“No, I guess I was thinking more about you and my businesses than what traps would be sprung.”
“So, it’s over? You’ll go over and make up?” she asked, hope alive in her words.
“What do you think?” I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, but it was still dripping about the room.
“I think you’re forgetting I’m on your side, Hawk.”
I scrubbed my face with my hands. “You’re right, I’m sorry. He made quite an impact on me. It’s been a long time.”
“So, you asked for some time, I take it?”
“Yes.”
“Want me to go with you, when the time comes?”
“Of course.”
“Will you come see me tonight? I’d like to make you dinner.”
“I’d love to. I’ve promised Diablo a run, then I’ll shower and be over. What can I bring?”
“Why don’t you stop by the bakery and bring a big, thick humble pie?”
It took me a second to catch on. At first, I thought it was a British thing. “Very funny.”
“I’ll bet you’re smiling.”
“Yes, you’re right.”
“Good, then skip the pie, and I’ll have dinner waiting.”
The line went silent. I loved the simplicity with which we communicated. She displayed no artifice, no agenda but was simple and direct. I loved that woman beyond belief.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Liane
I waited for Hawk wearing my favorite jeans and a soft, pearl-pink sweater. It was a good color for me, contrasting with my hair. I knew it made me look cuddly. I was right. He was no more in the door than he had his arms wrapped around me. I made comfort food for dinner. Everything I could do to lessen the blow of the day would be good for him.
“Thank you, but I’m more about getting you through today.” I kissed him, then ran my hand down the muscles in his forearm. I tried not to get too close because I knew my touch would inflame him and I wouldn’t sleep with him until we were married.
“We’re eating on the patio. I think it’s still warm enough.”
He nodded and went outside while I gathered up the plates with dinner. I’d made roast beef with baby potatoes, carrots, pearl onions and gravy. I had a dish of baked macaroni and cheese, and there was chocolate cake with chocolate cream frosting for dessert.
“Fit for a king,” he declared, and that made me proud. I’d only ever cooked for Dad before, and it was nice to have a reason to make a full meal. “C’mere,” he said and pulled me down onto his lap and kissed me. He kept his arms around me in a hug, and the warmth felt wonderful. “So, how was your day?”
“Nothing very interesting. It felt good to cook for you. I really enjoyed that. Mostly I was worried about you.”
“Hmmmm…” he said and kissed me again.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not too much to talk about. He wants me to come down and see Mother, Mark and Marga.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“You’ve never mentioned their names before. Have you decided to go?”
He kissed the side of my face, brushing the hair back from my temple. “Well, I’ve got a pretty strong incentive to do so, wouldn’t you say?”
“I don’t know how strong I am, but I’m powerful with love.”
“That’s a nice way to put it, Liane. You always have such a nice way of putting things.” He was silent for a few minutes and then said, “I have an idea.”
“What’s that?”
“What if I were to invite you to take a trip with me for the week? You can have a separate room, no problem, but I’d like to spend some dedicated time with you alone. I know I have some changes in store and to be really honest, right now I don’t have a damn clue how to go about it. If I decide to see the family, I’d like to have some idea of how to behave. Having you in my life will go a long way toward that.”
“I have to work, Hawk.”
“No, you don’t. Quit your job. I’ve got plenty, and it will all be yours before long anyway.”
I stiffened. “That’s not who I am. I pay my own way. I may not make as much as you do, and my work may not seem important to you, but it is to me.”
“Huh. Do you know that I just realized I don’t have a clue what you do?” He seemed stunned.
“That’s because you never asked. I guess you thought I just donated my time at the Y.”
“I’m an ass. Tell me what you do.”
“I’m a zoologist at the Louisville Zoo.”
He stared down at me. “No kidding? How did you happen along that path?”
“I’ve always had a kinship with animals and plants. Dad said he didn’t care what I studied at college as long as I graduated, so I took something I liked. I made good grades, and the zoo here had an opening. There I was… right place at the right time.”
“Would you show me what you do there sometime?”
“Of course! I also write grants, mostly for the zoo or for organizations that focus on preserving wildlife.”
“My God,” he said. “Who’d ever thought I’d fall for a tree hugger?”
I playfully slapped him, and we both laughed. “Be careful — trees are alive and can hear you, you know. You may not want to alienate them all at once.”
Hawk responded by tickling me until I screamed. “So, you can’t take a week off? Not even for me?”
“I need to give them a little more notice than that. Anyway, don’t you think we should straighten out this stuff with your family first, then you can ask Dad?”
“You’re right. I’d much rather have you in the same room if we go away. Where would you like to go on our honeymoon?”
I hugged him tighter. “Oh, my… haven’t given that any thought. How about you?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment and then suggested, “How about Italy?”
I smushed up my nose. “Too old and smelly. Lots of bodies in the canals and catacombs.”
“Okay, then… how about China?”
“Ewwww... no, thank you.” Inspiration struck. “I’ve always wanted to go to Australia. Any possibility?”
“Of course! I suppose you’ll want to be among the wildlife?”
I nodded. “Would you mind?”
“As long as I can stay with you and you’re beneath me at night, I’ll sleep in an ice hotel in the Artic.”
“Huh. Never thought of that one. It’s a possibility,” I teased, only to be tickled again.
I slid off his lap and carried dishes into the kitchen. Hawk tried to help, but I took his hands and put them at my waist. “I can get these. It’s a small kitchen. I’d like you to run along now and get some sleep. You look exhausted and tomorrow, I’ll drive up, and we’ll go see your family together. We’ll get it over with. What do you say?”
Hawk sort of rolled his head back, drawing in a deep breath. “You’re determined on this, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“Are you always going to be this stubborn?”
“If it comes to your welfare, yes.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow then. Don’t get all dolled up. Mother will likely be in jodhpurs and mucking boots.” He gave me a kiss, and I knew he wanted more, but I pushed him toward the door.
“Goodnight. See you tomorrow.”
Hawk
I barely slept that night. All the nightmares of my childhood came back in one flickering silent movie that kept playing over and over in my head. I tried to get up and chase them away by turning on lights and the television, but it was no use. They were determined to rise to the surface.
It was then that a thought occurred to me. I grabbed my phone and texted Liane: You’re doing this, aren’t you?
Liane: Yes, it’s for your own good.
Me: It doesn’t feel good.
Liane: You need to let them surface and tomorrow you can set them aside forever.
Me: You’re really sure about this?
Liane: Yes, you trust me, remember?
Me: I’m trying to. This is hell.
Liane: Hell always beckons before the light triumphs.
I couldn’t argue with that logic. I’d lived that tale over and over.
Me: I need to sleep.
Liane: Okay, I’ll stop. Sweeter dreams.
The sun must have risen earlier that next morning because I barely remember lying in bed before it was glaring into my swollen eyes. I washed my eyes with cold water before stepping into the steaming shower. I dressed with care; not fancy, but in well-fit clothing that I knew Mother would approve of. Although they weren’t expecting me, I knew I had to make a good impression.
Liane showed up shortly after I poured my coffee and I made a hot tea for her too. It wasn’t too much trouble to stock tea for the Keurig, after all. We sat in silence and watched the trees swaying in the morning breeze. It seemed to give me some courage, as did the tiny hand that was in my palm at the moment. We finished eventually. I sighed and stood up, and we walked out the door and got into my car. We drove the few thousand feet to the drive of Carlos Acres and pulled up before my parents’ house.
I rang the bell. It didn’t seem right to simply walk in. I was so nervous I thought I would vomit, and if it weren’t for the comforting encouragement from Liane’s hand, I probably would have.
Mother opened the door, a look of curiosity on her face. “Yes? Can I help you?”
I stood there for a bit and then raised my sunglasses. Mother still didn’t recognize me. I guess it was the scars.
“The hotel is right down the road there. Just go about another half mile and you’ll see it on your…” Her eyes widened, and she gasped, her hand moving up to clutch at her
throat. She swallowed and tears sprang to her eyes. “Ford?”
I nodded and she just stared at me, her green eyes glinting with unshed tears. She lifted a hand and reached out to touch my chest. “You’re real,” she whispered and I nodded again, stepping away from her touch. Her fingers dangled there, hovering in the air before she brought them to her mouth to stifle a sob.
Over her shoulder, I saw Father coming down the stairs. His lips tightened and he hurried the rest of the way down. He was by Mother’s side in an instant.
She looked up at him, then back at me, the first tear streaking down her cheek. “He’s here. My prayers. All the prayers…” She took a step in my direction.
Flashes of memory came to me then. This woman singing to me. Chasing me in the yard. Playing games. I remembered us eating popcorn while watching endless movies. The time I once painted her toenails and got polish everywhere. Going for rides on the horses. Swimming. Making cookies. The time she squealed when she caught a fish. It was an assault on all of my senses.
Her smell.
Her laugh.
The way she hugged me so tight.
The way she was hugging me now.
I looked down at the top of her head, my hands by my side, and became furious at myself. No! This woman sent me away. Had me drugged. Bought the idea that I was crazy. Chose her other children over me.
Placing my hands on her shoulders, I pushed her back until she was at arm’s length. “Don’t touch me,” I told her and let her go. “You gave up that right long ago.”
Her face crumpled and Father pulled her to his chest. That’s when I noticed a young woman had approached, standing on the sidelines, looking at me curiously. I knew she had no clue who I was or why her mother was so distraught.
“Marga, go get Letty and tell her to bring some refreshments.” Father frowned at me. “I’m glad you came. It’s time this game came to an end.”
Marga just stood there. “Who are you?” she asked.
Father answered for me. “This is Ford.”
I nodded, and Marga gasped. “Ford? My brother Ford?”
“Yes,” I said, and she called out for Mark, who came bounding down the stairs.
When I saw Mark, it was instant dislike. I saw before me the young man who was where I should have been. Had it not been for him, I would still be the favored son; the one they would have searched for low and high. Instead, I was some sort of foundling, suddenly appeared on the doorstep to be invited into the family. He smiled at me and put out his hand to shake, but I was slow in shaking it. Beside me, Liane was gripping my arm, urging me to behave.
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