Brian farted again as if in answer, and made a noise that was either sweet relief or a laugh, hard to tell which.
Todd answered Asia while fanning the air in front of his face. "This whatever-it-is happened over at the college a couple weeks ago. That's how we knew to feed him Spam. It was like, how do I explain it... you want to eat brains, but the people with brains were all turned to zombies, so the people left unchanged were the ones who only got in by way of a sports scholarship or their parents are stupid rich or something. They didn't have a brain to use. So, if you know anything about zombies from books or movies, we were kinda screwed, not having any brains available to eat. Sucked, really."
I saw my chance with her flushing down the drain with every word Todd spoke.
She looked at me while speaking to Todd, a frown creasing the skin between her eyebrows. "So, you're telling me you two were turned into zombies? I'm supposed to believe that?"
All I could do was nod like a bobble head.
Are you both okay, now, um..."
"I'm Todd, he's Oscar. We're fine, thanks," Todd supplied, since I couldn't seem to speak at all.
"Yeah. Okay." She looked off into the distance. I could only imagine she'd run screaming any second. Probably hadn't yet because her brother needed her here.
I sat back against the air conditioner and sighed. So gorgeous, and I didn't have a chance in hell anymore because I'd been a zombie. Story of my life.
"Oscar? Did the fumes get to you?"
Todd laughed. "He's fine. Or he will be, once he quits looking at you. He thinks you're hot."
My face flushed again. If I could have disappeared, I would have. Instead, I shot a look at Todd that said 'I will kill you later.'
It was Asia's turn to flush. "The feeling's mutual. I'm just having a hard time with this whole 'turned into a zombie' thing."
Luckily, Brian let out a long, stinky fart that had all of our attentions diverted.
"Oh, gurk." Todd fell over his own feet while backing away.
"Holy..." was all I managed to say before my throat closed up and my eyes watered.
"Good grief," Asia lifted the hem of her smock to cover her nose and mouth as she turned away.
Finally the stench dissipated enough so that we could breathe again. "Why hasn't he passed out yet?" I said aloud to no one in particular.
"I was thinking about that, too. Right now, we're on the roof of a huge building, out in the open. When this happened to us, we were in the cafeteria with a bunch of us in an enclosed space. It could have been the concentration of fumes."
What he said made sense, in a disgusting sort of way. I didn't want to think about how many other peoples' farts I'd inhaled that day; instead, I looked around at the view. There was definitely more aeration up here than in an enclosed building. How were we going to fix this for him?
From the parking lot below, voices could be heard. More particularly, one person's voice and shuffling noises. Brian stayed where he was, making gurgly noises of his own while the other three of us crawled to the edge of the roof and laid flat, looking down on the scene unfolding below.
"Come on, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go back to the facility. Your chariot awaits, let's go, everyone load up please. One at a time, no fighting back there." An orderly — or assisted living coordinator, as my grandma tells me they preferred to be called — led a group of five or six elderly people from the bingo hall toward the bus. They each carried a brown paper sack, most of them clutching it with both hands as if it were going to escape. Apparently it was easier to carry a bingo dauber in a bag than in a pocket or something. Maybe it was their lunch, who knows. The coordinator continued to direct the group to form a line.
As they waited patiently for the person before them to climb the three stairs back onto the bus, a thought began to formulate in my mind. I waited until they'd all boarded and the bus left the lot before I spoke.
"Brown paper bags." I looked at Todd to see if he was thinking what I was. The quizzical look on his face said he wasn't.
"Brown paper bags," I repeated as I headed for the ladder. "If we can't bring the cafeteria to Brian, we'll bring Brian to the cafeteria." Stopping, I rolled my eyes at myself. "Reverse that. Bring the cafeteria to Brian. Be right back."
As I descended the first ladder, Asia's voice floated down to me. "Aisle seven."
Less than a minute later I had the package of brown bags under my arm and was stepping out onto the roof again. Quickly unwrapping the package, I pulled out a lunch sack, shook it open and handed it to Todd. He took it without thinking.
"What are we going to do with – O, dude, no way." Holding it out toward me, Todd shook his head.
"You owe me," was all I said, as I darted my eyes toward Asia and back.
He sighed and shook his head. "We're even after this."
I nodded once.
"Asia, will you help me here please? I need you to hold his head still."
"What are you going to – oh. Yuck." Slowly and with a look of disgust on her face, Asia moved behind Brian and held his head. "Are you sure this is going to work?"
"As sure as we can be," he said.
Todd put Brian in a pretzel hold again, using one hand to hold his wrists and the other to position the bag. It wasn't long before Brian got that same goofy look on his face, and a moment later let loose with a long fart.
"Wow, lucky the bag was in place for that one. Quick, close it and hold it over his nose and mouth; hold his head tight, he's not going to like this." I directed from several feet away.
As expected, Brian struggled. Not for long, though; the concentrated stench rendered him unconscious in short order, and both Todd and Asia stepped back.
"Huh. It worked. I have to say I had my doubts." Todd high-fived me. "Good thinking."
"Now what?" Asia stood with hands on hips, frowning down at her brother.
"He'll sleep it off for a few hours, probably, would be my guess, then he'll wake up with a doozy of a headache. After that, he should be fine."
"Dude, it took us longer than that to wake up."
"Yeah, but we'd been sick for days. Asia, did Brian have any other viral symptoms like the fever, sweats, body aches, stuff like that when he came to work this morning?"
She shook her head. "He was normal."
"We got to him before it took a good hold on him. Stands to reason he'll recover sooner."
Todd thought about that for a second before nodding. "Okay, yeah, makes sense, if he has the same thing. He didn't get sick first, he went straight to zombie mode."
We both thought about that for a minute. I shrugged my shoulders. "All we can do now is wait and see. Asia, you'll keep an eye on him, right? Call us when he wakes up so we know what happens?"
"Yes. I hope he wakes up before it's time to go home tonight. Mom'll be mad if he's late. Oh, I know. If he's not up yet, I'll tell her he's staying with me and that I'm helping him study. She'll like that." Pulling her bottom lip through her teeth, she looked down at him. "If he's going to sleep for a few hours, he can't stay up here on the roof. There's a couch in the ladies restroom at the back of the stockroom. He can sleep there. I'll cover for him with the boss. My only question is how we're going to get him down from here."
"Already on it." In one swift move, Todd picked him up and put him over his shoulder. "Let's get him down there before any Spam escapes out either end."
They made it down and to the couch without incident. As Todd laid Brian down, a telltale stomach gurgle had them all rushing out. The latch clicked shut as the gaseous cloud was let loose. "You might want to put an 'out of order' sign on this door," I suggested.
"Good idea." Asia went off in search of a piece of paper.
"Man. That was close."
"Yeah."
Asia returned with a sign for the door. She taped it up, then took a key ring down from a hook on the wall, locking the door.
"Alright, takes care of that. Let's get the supplies and head for The Pharmacy."
Todd headed into the store.
"I'll catch up in a minute," I said. He waved without turning around. Looking at Asia, suddenly I didn't know what to say. Good thing she did.
"Oscar, I would like to get to know you better. If you don't have a girlfriend, that is, and you want to, too." Her eyes twinkled under the fluorescent lights.
Swallowing hard, I nodded. "No, no girlfriend here and I would like that, too."
Her smile lit her face. "Good. Here, let me have your phone."
Taking it out of my pocket, I handed it to her. After putting her number in, she handed it back. "Now you'll know it's me calling with updates on Brian, and after that...you can call me for a date."
"I will." The smile on my face as I turned to go was a mile wide.
"Oscar?" The voice of an angel.
"Yes?" Turning back, I found my face inches from hers.
"Thank you for helping my brother." She kissed my cheek. As she leaned in, the scent of cucumbers washed over me. She smelled delicious.
"Anytime." My smile widened. It could have been the kiss, or the smell, or the mental flash of wishful thinking that shot by on my brain's daydream movie screen, or all of it combined; whatever the cause, I didn't care. A beautiful woman had not only given me her number, she'd kissed me. I was in heaven.
She squeezed my hand, and we walked through the swinging doors into the store.
"It's eight o'clock. I have to open. Talk to you soon," she smiled and walked away.
I stood where she'd left me for a few seconds, then took a deep breath. My thoughts turned toward what still needed to be done.
Several aisles over, I found Todd pushing a cart. "Dude, about time. Did you at least get her number?"
"At least." I smiled.
"Right on." He slapped me on the back, then pointed at the cart. "Got all this, what else is on the list?"
"The list? Oh, right." Pulling it out of my pocket, I scanned the cart then the page. "You got it all. Let's go. Wait, we might need these too." A package of brown paper lunch bags went into the cart, followed by disposable spoons. "Okay, now we're good to go."
The cashier wasn't Asia, and even though I'd just left her a few minutes ago, I was disappointed. We paid for our groceries and loaded the bags in the bed of the truck.
I hopped in and dialed my phone. While I waited, I looked around at the growing number of vehicles in the parking lot. There was more activity now; somehow, the sight of people going about their day, blissfully unaware of what was going on around them, made me feel better.
"Yo."
"Hey, Merlin. Oscar. What's happening?"
"Big O. Uh, pretty busy here. What's up?"
Those few words confirmed Oscar's assumption, that things were bad all over. He got right to the point. "I'm going by The Pharmacy on my way, you need anything?"
A few seconds passed in silence while Merlin processed the meaning behind what Oscar had not said, as well, in those few words. As far as the unsanctioned off-campus laboratory was concerned, it was never mentioned while talking on the phone. Instead, it referred to as a stop along the way, not a final destination. The chem students didn't always want the professors hovering over them while they worked on projects not approved under the current curriculum. They weren't doing anything illegal, but they also didn’t want to share their ideas with the scientific community until they were proven and patented, either. If anyone with power at the college caught wind of The Pharmacy, the whole thing could blow up in their faces.
"Do they have Spam there?"
So much was said in so few words. There was only one reason Merlin would be asking for Spam.
"I've been to the grocery store already. Got some."
"That's pretty much it."
"Alright, man, see you in a few."
Oscar clicked 'end' and looked at Todd. "The problem is there, too. Merlin knows we're coming. Take a left on Main."
*~*~*~*~*
A few minutes later we were standing on the sidewalk in Aspen Grove, in front of Tofu 4 U.
"You're kidding." Shading his eyes, Todd stared up at the sign above the door.
"Best. Front. Ever." I said, unloading the bags from the back of the truck. "Here, grab some of these."
A bell above the door chimed as we pushed through. Three people sat alone at individual tables, hunched over wooden bowls containing unidentifiable substances. None of them looked happy; I wouldn't, either, if I had to eat the grey and white glop they were pushing around with their forks.
The only visible employee stood behind the counter; at their entrance, she turned around and waved her hand, encompassing the entire seven tables. I took that to mean, 'sit wherever you want.' She turned her attention back to the television, turning the volume up. I took that to mean, 'I'll get to you when I get to you, what's your rush.'
"It's back here," I pointed with my chin.
Todd stood rooted to the spot. "Shh. Listen." The news anchor was shuffling papers nervously, talking from the heart instead of reading what was on the prompt. Her wide eyes glistened as if she were about to cry, or had gone crazy. "Aspen Grove Medical Center is at capacity. Anyone in need of medical attention who is able to drive themselves is directed to go to Oklahoma City or Shawnee for treatment. Only people arriving by ambulance are being admitted at this time." She looked left, then right, then back at the camera. "Listen, they say it's just a fever, but the camera man tried to eat my brain. It's an epidemic. Get out whil—" and the station went black. Someone had obviously pulled the plug on her. Maybe the camera man.
"Dude."
"Yeah, I heard. This way." The door at the end of the hallway was labeled 'Janitorial Supplies.' Shuffling both bags to one arm, I knocked on the door, and when it opened I motioned Todd to follow, and started down the stairs. "Close that behind you." I uttered the same words I'd heard the first time I'd been brought here.
"Glad you called," Merlin said. "So, listen. The majority of the people downstairs have turned. There's only me, Axle, Missy, and Peoria who haven't turned. Axle turned last time, like we did. Missy and Peoria, well... no chance of them turning. We have everyone else locked in the lab. Axle is keeping an eye on the girls; they're pretty freaked out about the whole thing."
"How many people are locked up?" Todd asked.
For the first time, Merlin realized there was someone other than Oscar following him down. Stepping down off the last stair, he turned and blocked the way.
"Merlin, this is Todd. He's a friend of mine, and helped with the last outbreak. He was the one who was in the cafeteria kitchen making the Spam soup. Todd, meet Merlin."
Todd set one of the bags down and the two shook hands. "Any friend of Oscar's," Merlin said.
"Yeah, same here."
Turning back, Merlin punched in a code on a small panel and the lock clicked open. The grey metal door swung inward, opening to a large white tiled room. Rows of lights swung gently from the ceiling, chasing shadows from every corner. Metal tables in two rows ran down the center, covered with microscopes, glass slides, beakers, and tools of all shapes and forms. In the far corner stood a bubbling contraption with hoses and dials, reminiscent of the moonshine still my great-grandfather had in the backwoods behind his property many years ago. When I'd been here the last time, there was a folding screen between where I stood now and the still.
"Is that—" Todd started.
"No." Merlin threw over his shoulder as he continued across the room toward a large window on the far side. "You aren't a chem major, are you? Welcome to The Pharmacy."
I shook my head more to myself than anyone and followed Merlin. The still was forgotten the moment I saw the activity on the other side of the glass. "I thought you said the girls weren't in with the rest of them?"
In the middle of the table in the middle of a circle of zombies sat Missy and Peoria. Dressed in their cheerleading outfits, they hugged each other and cried. Walking — patrolling — a ring around the girls were probably twenty zombies.
; He sighed loudly. "They weren't. I told them to stay out here, but they're fixers. They'd been talking about being able to help their boyfriends if they could talk to them. Probably figured they knew better, and when I walked away they took that chance to get their boyfriends out of there and fix them. They must have talked Axle into opening the door..."
"Uh, isn't that Axle?" Todd tapped his finger on the glass and motioned toward a far corner of the room. There against the back wall was another un-virused person. He heard the tapping sound and looked up at us, shrugged his shoulders in an 'oops' gesture and mouthed the word 'sorry.'
"Damn. Can't anyone follow directions anymore? Useless No Brainers," Merlin muttered.
"Okay, at least they're contained. How do you suggest we get the Spam in to them?"
Merlin's brow creased as his eyes narrowed in deep thought. "I'm not sure. This place was built with a lot of scenarios in mind, but not this one. I mean, who knew, right?"
Inside the room, other than the zombies and brainless people, were a metal table bolted to the floor, a bench on either side, recessed lighting, and a security camera blinking its red light up in the corner. Halfway along the top of the side wall was an air vent.
"I've got an idea. If we can somehow get the Spam up into that vent," Todd pointed at the metal grate, "we can throw it down inside. That should take care of it."
"Okay..." Not wanting to ask the question, I waited. Turned out I didn't have to.
"How are we going to get it in the vent, and into the room?" Merlin scratched his head.
A smile split Todd's face. "Oscar. He'll probably fit."
"You think so? That's a small vent."
"Sure. He's a wiry guy. Not like either of us would be able to, right?"
"Hey, I'm right here, let's not talk about me as if I weren't. There's got to be another way." I didn't like this idea, not one little bit.
"No, it's perfect. Let me get the diagram." Merlin rushed off and left me with Mr. Bright Idea.
"Thanks a lot."
"Yeah, now we're even for making me hold the bag."
I'd forgotten about that. The all-encompassing stench Brian let out watered my eyes and I was ten or twelve feet away. The memory was priceless. "Touché, my friend."
All Things Zombie: Chronology of the Apocalypse Page 21