by Richard Fore
Sabrina laughs. “That’s totally awesome. Definitely very high up on the nerd scale. But don’t feel bad. Some of us girls like me love our nerds.” She tugs the bottom of her shirt to emphasize its message. I smile at her. “Now, you can still take my test, if you want an official nerd score,” she adds.
“Take the test,” says Chris. “See if you can beat my score. I’m going to go browse the Magic cards.” He walks away with rigidly straight posture, a man on a mission.
“He did pretty well, scored in the twenties,” says Sabrina. “But before we begin, you are a Star Wars fan, right? I could give you a few other subject tests, but it works best for Star Wars. Plus, I won’t like you as much if you’re not into Star Wars,” she says as she makes a mock frowny face.
“Don’t worry about that. I can tell you that Skywalker was originally Starkiller, and that Jaina was born before Jacen. Oh, and I was actually conceived the night my parents saw The Empire Strikes Back.”
“Uh-huh. You stole that from The Simpsons.”
“God, you’re beautiful.”
Sabrina laughs and runs a hand through her hair as if she were unused to receiving such a compliment. “Well, it would seem that you are up to my challenge. So here’s how it goes. You have to name for me as many characters from the movies as you can, but they have to be characters whose names weren’t actually given in the movies themselves.
“Take the Emperor, for example. In the films he’s always just referred to as the Emperor. The name Palpatine is never mentioned. So he would count. Now, no one from the prequels counts, because those really sucked. Nor does any character that only exists in the special editions, because I’ll keep my wolfman thanks.
“You get one point for every character you name. One character is a special case and you get five bonus points if you identify why. Now, if you name someone who is actually referred to by name in one of the films, then you lose a point. Stump me with at least one character from each film and you get a bonus prize. But I’ve been giving this test for awhile now, and so far no one’s ever done that. Ready when you are.”
“What’s the bonus prize?”
“Let’s wait and see if there’s any chance you’ll win it first.”
“Fair enough. Well, I guess I’ll start with characters from Episode IV. Davin Felth springs to mind.”
“Who’s that?”
“He’s the stormtrooper who says look sir, droids in the desert.”
“Really? You got a source to back that up?”
“It’s in The Essential Guide to Characters. Later on he joins the rebels.”
“Hmm, well okay I’ll take your word on that. So you managed to stump me on your very first try. Not bad. Keep going.”
“Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan harass Luke in the cantina. I used to know a lot more of the guys in there but prequel bitterness has made me care a lot less than I used to.”
“I understand. That’s three.”
“Porkins, the big guy in the Death Star assault. Was he named in the movie?”
“Yes. Biggs says cover me, Porkins. I’m afraid that’s going to cost you a point. You’re back down to two. But don’t feel bad, because he costs lots of people a point.”
“Darn, I don’t recall that. Well, uh, on to Empire, you’ve got Bren Derlin.”
“Who?”
“He’s the rebel in Echo Base that’s played by John Ratzenberger. Says that the gate must be closed even though Solo hasn’t returned yet.”
“Cliff Clavin was in The Empire Strikes Back? Wow, I guess there is always more to learn. Unless you’re just messing with me.”
“Look it up, he’s in there.”
“I will. You’re back to three. And you’ve stumped me for a second time. You’re almost there.”
“So what’s the grand prize?”
“It depends on how cute I think the testee is.”
“What will I get, then?”
“I dunno. What would you like?”
“Well, let’s not jump ahead. I still have to stump you one more time. Let’s see, for Empire the only other ones I know for sure are the bounty hunters Vader hires to find the Millennium Falcon. There were six of them. 4-LOM and IG-88 were the two droids. Dengar was the human, Bossk and Zuckuss were the aliens. And last but not least there was Boba Fett. Now his name wasn’t said on film until Jedi, although he was actually introduced in the Holiday Special.”
“Alright, Boba Fett is the special case. That gives you five bonus points which brings you up to fourteen total. Impressive, most impressive, and you’ve still got one film left. I hope you can stump me one more time.”
“Are you a big Boba Fett fan?”
“Of course! What kind of question is that? Cool helmet, rocket pack, what’s not to love? Plus, he’s pretty sexy. He’s got that mysterious quality going where you’re just dying to know more about him.”
“Yeah, I mean I like him and all and he looks cool, but his end is just a few steps above Darth Maul’s gee-I-wonder-what-the-Jedi-knight-is-doing-I’m-just-gonna-stand here-and-die death scene. Plus the way he was treated in Episode II made him lose a lot of his appeal.”
“See, I like to think that Boba was just so badass that the only way anybody could take him down would be by accident instead of a face to face confrontation. Plus, it’s not like he was killed by Jar Jar. There’s no shame in losing to Han Solo.”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way. Maybe you’re right. Now carrying on to Jedi, you’ve got Salacious Crumb, Max Rebo, Sy Snootles, Droopy McCool, Oola-”
“Every guy always gets Oola. I don’t know what it is with guys and green women, but they sure do like them. Trek has the Orion slave girls. Batman has Poison Ivy.”
“That’s just programmed into our genetic code. We have Orions and Twi’leks now. The ancient Greeks had their wood nymphs. Now they may not necessarily have had green skin, but the whole nature theme is definitely there. There are echoes of that even today. Tinker Bell wears a green dress. Guys just go for the green.”
“Interesting theory. You’ve got nineteen points, by the way.”
“Well, the pig-like guard in Jabba’s palace was a Gamorrean. Do races count?”
“Certainly not. There’s a separate test for alien races. Come on, I know you can stump me one last time.”
“Nien Nunb, Lando’s copilot.”
“That gives you an even twenty. But that’s an easy one.”
“Ephant Mon, the elephant-man.”
“Twenty-one. And I think I know every denizen of Jabba’s palace, so you won’t have much luck there. Let’s see now… oh I got it! When Vader brings Luke before the Emperor, those two royal guards the Emperor dismisses, what were their names? I’m sure by now they have names of their own and intricate back stories. So what are they?”
“You’re probably right that they have their own history and names at this point, but I’m afraid I don’t know what they are.”
“Actually, I think that they are some of the few remaining characters to not have had their names revealed yet. So make some up and I’ll be merciful and count them anyway. After all, you wouldn’t be trampling on canon any worse than Lucas has.”
“I’m drawing a blank. What’s the prize, anyway?”
“Whatever you want it to be.”
“I’m not very good with names. And it seems like it’d be a hollow victory to win by cheating.”
“Well, phooey… but alright, you’ve got a sense of fair play. I can respect that. Good to know that you’re a virtuous paladin.”
“Perhaps to the point of naiveté,” says Chris on his return. “How’d he do?”
“Twenty-one,” says Sabrina. “Although we sorta stopped playing when he couldn’t stump me a final time. But I’m convinced he’s a legitimate nerd.”
“That he is,” says Chris. “Who’d he stump you with?”
“Davin Felth and Bren Derlin, aka the guys who say look sir, droids and the gate must be closed, respectively,” says
Sabrina.
“Did you manage to stump her thrice?” I ask Chris.
“No. But it’s a shame I didn’t. I was going to have her work a shift as slave Leia if I had.”
“No way!” exclaims Sabrina. “I don’t even like to expose my navel. A white gown and hair buns sure, but no metal bikini. I don’t even wear a bikini to the beach, I wear a tankini. And something tells me the owner wouldn’t be approving a slave Leia costume, either.”
“What do you have against your navel?” I ask.
“Are you kidding? Look at me. I’m a pale little runt. I joke with my mom all the time that she should have had another daughter because she’d almost certainly grow up to be some statuesque sculpted in bronze amazon-valkyrie hybrid since I got all the inferior genes.”
Much like Jessica, Sabrina is a girl who fails to recognize her own beauty. I can only hope that in Sabrina’s case her low self-esteem isn’t attributable to regularly rendezvousing with one of the Scott Squadron.
“You shouldn’t feel that way, Sabrina,” I say. “I remember the first time I saw you in here, I thought you were much too pretty to really be a nerdy girl. That’s why I didn’t talk to you at first. I figured you were just some cutie working here because you needed a job like so many female Gamestop employees. I didn’t realize how sweet you really are.”
Sabrina blushes. “Ah, it seems that a certain adventurer remembered to pack his potion of impress fair maiden for his quest today.”
“It’s just the truth, that’s all.”
“So you’re definitely flirting with me,” Sabrina declares. “But I don’t know, maybe you’re just a compulsive flirt. I know!” She covers her eyes with her right hand. “Quick, what color are my eyes? If I’m really such a cutie you’ll have noticed.”
I smile at Sabrina with a look I wish she’d have seen. “They’re as green as the light that gives the Lantern Corps their power,” I say.
“Good answer,” she says, lowering her hand. Sabrina looks at me, the floor, and then me again.
Chris shakes his head at me.
“So Chris,” says Sabrina, “I’ve noticed that you don’t ever seem to buy any Magic cards here.”
Chris looks at me as if I should be the one responding. “That’s right,” he says finally. “I don’t buy my cards here. See, that’d violate rule number one: always hide your true strength.”
“I thought rule number one was don’t be Icarus,” I say.
“That’s for dating,” says Chris. “This is Magic. Now Sabrina, I like you and all, you’re a nice girl, but let’s face it, you’re loyal to Dave. I empower my deck with cards bought from you and you’re going to go straight to the boss man with my game plan. I don’t want him knowing what cards I stack my deck with until I unleash them in a maelstrom of necromantic assault. If he knew what I was buying he could better prepare himself with his heretical mixed deck, you see?”
“Chris, I don’t think Magic really works like that,” says Sabrina. “Whenever a new expansion is released, it’s no secret what’s in the lineup. We know every card for every subset, it’s not like you can surprise us with cards never before encountered. So buying your cards in clandestine fashion isn’t going to be giving you any kind of tactical advantage. I suppose if you knew precisely what cards your opponent is playing with you could customize your deck to exploit the weaknesses of the opposing deck, but Dave has so many cards it’s impossible to make so accurate a prediction as to be beneficial.”
“No offense,” says Chris, “but you’re just a laywoman. You have the shortsighted vision of someone trying to grasp concepts of compelling intricacies that take many years of studious study to master. I don’t expect you to understand. In fact, the fact that you don’t understand is all the proof I need to know I’m right. I was tapping a Royal Assassin alpha back when you were still in Rainbow Brite pajamas combing the tail of your favorite My Little Pony. Whereas other men may keep a photo of their sweetheart in their wallet, I keep a Magic rulebook. You face me on the table and you’re gonna be on your knees begging not to be slain by the Lord of the Pit before you can even draw enough land to make your first summon. So don’t criticize my strategy, baby. Marvel at its awesome might.”
“Several things,” says Sabrina. “One, I’m twenty-two, not sixteen. Two, I’m not so preoccupied with you that I’m going to rush over to Dave to tell him what Magic cards you bought from me. Three, last week when I played against you with a blue deck I won.”
“Okay, blue ranger, okay,” says Chris. “So you’ve dipped your toes into the pool and gotten a taste of the blue. But blue’s overpowered. It always has been. Everybody knows it. No pros play blue. Only newbies. Because pros assemble a deck with skill and precision. Newbies play blue because they can’t handle the challenge of mastering a real color and just go for the quick fix. You want proof just take a quick look at the Power Nine. All three that are colored are blue. Totally unbalanced. Totally unfair.”
“Wrong again,” says Sabrina. “No newbie could ever afford cards from the Power Nine, or have any idea what they even are. You’ve been traversing the planes so long it’s driven you mad.”
“I can see that you’re beyond any semblance of rational debate,” says Chris. “I will take my leave of you now.”
“Dave’s in the back,” says Sabrina.
“Thanks,” says Chris. He disappears into the back room.
Sabrina turns her attention back to me. “Your buddy is quite a character. I enjoy playing around with him, but I’d love to see him spew some actual fanboy rage sometime.”
“Just be around him long enough and I’m sure you’ll get the chance. Or you could just badmouth the Flash if you want to get it over with.”
“I have done that, sort of. We were talking once and I said that one of the problems with a lot of the DC heroes aside from Batman is that they don’t have a prominent rogues gallery. He tried to defend Flash’s villains but I just don’t see how a guy who specializes in throwing boomerangs is gonna be much of a match for someone who can easily outrun speeding bullets. Superman is at least vulnerable to kryptonite. Unless you’re Professor Zoom or someone else who also has super speed it just seems to me like the Flash would be invincible. And talking apes and rainbow-themed rogues do not make for the most formidable nemeses regardless of any given hero’s powers.”
“So you’ve got it bad for the bad boys, then?”
“Only in the sense that they have to be there in order for you to see how good the good ones really are. So are you a Magic player like Chris?”
“I used to play back in high school. Not so much anymore. You a serious player?”
“Just casual. Some people don’t approve of casual play, but that’s the way I like it. Picked up most of the history by proxy. I don’t even have my have my own cards, I just use Dave’s.”
“I thought he was your father.”
“Oh, yeah, he is. But I like to downplay that. I don’t want people to think I’m like Sophia Coppola in Godfather III. I want them to think that I attained this lofty position on my own merits.”
“I don’t think you’re like her at all. She brought that film down. You make this place much better.”
“You must enjoy making girls blush. You going to follow through or do you just flirt with every girl you meet?”
No, I only flirt with an unresponsive best friend and one of your co-workers. “Do you bat your eyelashes at every other nerdy guy who walks in here?” I ask.
“Face it Sabrina, he’s afraid of hitting the jackpot,” she says.
Chapter 5: Dateless Assemble!
The auditorium Chris and I are sitting in appears to be occupied by around fifty guys all looking to buy a date. It could seat another hundred. A dozen bachelorettes are to be auctioned. While I have a particular girl in mind, any of the twelve could serve my purpose.
“How do you handle a disappointing date?” I ask Chris.
“I’m used to disappointment. I bought a 32X and a Virtu
al Boy. It rolls right off of me.”
“I can see the Virtual Boy. We were younger in those days and the promise of being able to immerse yourself into a truly virtual world was mighty tempting. Before its release I kept thinking that by looking into that eyepiece and seeing nothing but a game screen I’d be able to completely detach myself from the shackles of the flesh and blood world. Then I played one on display for about ten minutes and told my mom to get me Earthbound for the SNES for my birthday instead. One of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Still have the cartridge and the player’s guide.”
“Well, I bought into the hype and got one. All I can remember playing is Teleroboxer and Nester’s Funky Bowling and then trying and failing to trade it to one of my friends. First for some Game Gear games, then for some comics, but he wouldn’t budge. I almost told him to just give me a picture of his sister’s feet for it, but I didn’t want to expose myself like that to him.”
“His sister have nice feet?”
“Oh yeah. Our families spent a Fourth of July together at the lake and she’s running around in this little stars and stripes bikini and she even has her toenails painted red, white, and blue. I was feeling so jingoistic looking at those patriotic toes that I wanted to ride my bike down the road to where this English couple was vacationing and beat the tar out of their boy, Simon. And I usually abhor violence.”
“I see. What about the 32X?”
“I was only twelve years old when it came out. Now see, I had an original model Genesis, the bigger one that had the headphone jack and volume control. I also had an original Sega-CD, the bulky model that the Genesis sat on top of. Put together that already made for a pretty tall console. And then the 32X came along, another Genesis add-on, promising to turn the 16-bit Genesis into a 32-bit system. To my little mind, the 32X was going to double the power of my Genesis. All the hidden abilities of my Genesis games were going to be unleashed by the 32X. I mean I know now that it’s just a worthless add-on that plays its own worthless games, but back then I thought it’d make Sonic the Hedgehog 3 even more awesome. Like I’d be playing Sonic and just be in awe of its enhanced graphics and I thought I’d be finding new top-secret zones with even more rings and getting even higher scores.