by Richard Fore
“I guess Chris just felt bad about what happened in Minus World and wanted to save us the grunt work,” I say.
“Well, they went to the trouble, so let’s head in and get this party started.”
“Wait a second. What do you think this Jimmy guy is going to be like?”
“Well, Chris told us Jimmy’s at Berkeley studying bioengineering and that he’s got an extreme case of furry fetishism. He’s also close friends with Chris Cartwright, and other than myself I’m not aware of any friends of Chris’ who are entirely normal. So, I’m expecting Jimmy to look and act like Professor Hojo from Final Fantasy VII, I guess.”
“See, that’s exactly what I was thinking. But now it’s my guess that we’re going to be wrong. I think we’re going to walk into that tent and get a complete one-hundred eighty degree swerve just like in every sitcom that’s ever been made.”
“What?”
“You know, like how every sitcom has an episode where one of the characters is dreading having to meet someone from their past they haven’t seen in like twenty years. And they go on and on about remembering said person being unattractive and unsuccessful but then when they finally meet the person again at the end of the episode, it’s revealed that the person has since gone on to become a beautiful doctor or lawyer or something like that.
“Caroline in the City had an episode like that where Lea Thompson has to meet this dork from high school named Willard. She dreads meeting him throughout the whole episode but then he turns out to have become a handsome orthopedic surgeon. I bet that’s what’s going to happen here. Jimmy’s going to turn out to be this outgoing pretty boy not at all like Professor Hojo.”
Seth tilts his head at me like Michael Myers studying Bob’s corpse after pinning him to the wall in Halloween. “You watched Caroline in the City so much so that you’re instantly able to recall those specific plot points from that particular episode of it?”
“Well, no. I mean, yeah. But I just had a thing for Lea Thompson. After all, she was Marty McFly’s mother. And the actress who played Annie was pretty hot, too.” I recall that Seth is particularly taken with the idea of threesomes. “I fantasized a lot about having a threesome with them both,” I say, hoping it will justify my watching the show.
“You know, fantasizing about a threesome with Xena and Gabrielle, that’s normal. Everybody does that. Straight women do that. But with the two female leads from Caroline in the City? Okay, look, just forget it. I’m going into the tent to be with the normal guys.”
Seth unzips the entrance and heads in without announcing his presence. I would have tapped on the front or said something before going in, I’m sure of it.
“Welcome guys!” exclaims Chris. “We’ve got everything you’re going to need for the next twenty-four hours,” he says, extending his arm like a model from The Price is Right.
The tent interior is one big room. Two sleeping bags are laid out (perhaps two of us are expected to always be awake and keep watch) while in the right corner sits a cooler, opened and fully stocked. A television and space heater are hooked up to a small generator. There’s also a PlayStation 2 next to the television.
“You can thank Jimmy for all the electronics,” says Chris. “He brought the generator.”
“Thanks, dude,” says Seth. “Looks like we’ve got enough amenities here to have completely ruined the point of camping in the wilderness in the first place had we actually done that instead.”
“No problem,” says Jimmy. “I just wanted to help make the time pass a little faster.”
I’m immediately disappointed with Jimmy’s normalcy. With average height, average weight, average posture, average vocals, average clothing, and no glasses Jimmy is neither reminiscent of Professor Hojo nor does he strikingly reverse those expectations.
“I’m betting you did most of the setup work for the tent, too,” I say. “I doubt Chris has that much patience and skill with such things. I know I don’t.”
“Pitching the tent was a team effort,” says Chris. “Anyway, guys, this is Jimmy Shannon. Jimmy, this purple-haired fellow here is Seth McClain. He’s in a band, The Prisoners of Zenda. Seth’s their lead singer and guitarist.”
“Nice to meet you,” says Jimmy, shaking Seth’s hand. “I dabble in music myself. I play the ocarina.”
“Because of Ocarina of Time?” asks Seth. “I tried to learn to play that because of The Legend of Zelda. I couldn’t make a go of it.”
“No, not because of Zelda,” says Jimmy. “It was because of Vandal Hearts.”
“You’ve played Vandal Hearts?” asks Seth.
“Of course,” says Jimmy. “There weren’t a whole lot of other options for turn-based strategy games for the PlayStation before the coming of Final Fantasy Tactics.”
“I think Vandal Hearts is a great game with one of my favorite soundtracks ever,” says Seth. “Sadly, it’s little known. Jadranka Stojaković sure has a hell of a voice though, doesn’t she?”
“Beautiful,” says Jimmy. “I love the vocals she did for the game. In fact, she’s the one who got me to really appreciate foreign music.”
“Took me a long time to find out she was singing in Croatian,” says Seth. “Lots of misinformation out there back when the game first came out.”
“I kept hearing she was singing in Japanese,” says Jimmy. “But I’d heard enough J-pop to know that was BS right from the beginning.”
“Okay, that’s about enough of that,” says Chris. “I don’t know anything about any Croatian songstresses and I hate being left out of a conversation. So, Jimmy, this other fellow here calls himself Justin Bailey.”
I turn and stare at Chris like he just walked in on me tying a noose around my neck. “You know?”
“Yeah, I know,” says Chris. “I know the whole story.”
“Look, I don’t think this is the best time for this, Chris,” I say.
“Oh, I think now is the perfect time, Justin,” says Chris. “You see, Jimmy, Justin here recently paid over one-hundred fifty dollars, part of which was his friend’s money, to win a date at a bachelorette auction with a girl he subsequently stands up. And then lie about it to the same friend.”
Jimmy looks at Chris with confusion. Seth stares at me with a look that’s one third I pity you and two-thirds but you deserve this.
“Jimmy and Seth,” I say, “I, too, have played and enjoyed Vandal Hearts. I don’t suppose you’d care to instead hear about my conflicting thoughts on the sequel?”
It’s 8:30am. Seth appears very relaxed, puffing on a cigarette with his legs outstretched. Chris has finally taken a seat next to Jimmy after bounding around the tent like a pinball. Jimmy sits Indian-style, having listened to the three of us (mostly Seth and Chris) brief him on my history with Jessica and Sabrina and my bidding on Samantha Anderson. He never asked any questions or made a single comment but listened with great interest, waiting to share his thoughts until after he’d heard the entire tale.
“And that brings us to the present,” says Chris. “He told me that he’d had coffee with Samantha and that they parted on neutral terms. Said that he was in the process of gearing himself up to ask out Sabrina as soon as she gets back from vacationing with her family. But then I found out that he is a deceiver and called him out on it in front of you guys because I felt it was the right thing to do. Tough love, ya know? And now, he is to explain himself to this tribunal.”
The three of them all look at me, eager to hear what I could possibly say in my defense. I appear to get the most sympathy out of Jimmy, although I don’t know if this is due to him feeling a sense of kinship towards me or simply due to the fact that we’re strangers.
“I want to know how you found out about all this, first,” I say to Chris.
“Sure, that’s easy enough,” he says. “I saw a girl in the dining hall that I thought looked like Sam. Then I saw the Watchmen button on her book bag and I knew I was right.”
“So Samantha really has a Watchmen button?” I ask.
“Yeah, she really has a Watchmen button! Did you think I was lying to you when I told you that? So I saw the button and knew that it was her. And I walked right up to Sam’s place in line and asked her who she sided with at the end of Watchmen, Rorschach or the others. Sam smiled at me. Said you first. I told her I sided with Rorschach without question. Sam said ‘Me too’, which is good, because any other response from her would’ve been grounds for ending things right there after I asked her about the supposed date you took her on. So then I introduced myself. So did she. Then I said I recognized her from the bachelorette auction because my friend was her winning bidder.
“Sam’s expression turned cold. ‘Your friend’s an asshole’, she said. So I asked her what happened. Sam said you stood her up. Said she waited around a half-hour for you to show up, called you once and left a voicemail and then went home. Sam sent you a text the next day wanting to know what happened. Said you never responded to her and she wrote you off, but was baffled. You paid one-hundred and sixty dollars to take her out, and it seemed like you actually wanted to do it from the conversation you had with her, and then you just bailed. She was pretty mad.
“So I apologized on your behalf. Said I hadn’t talked to you about what happened but that you are a very shy person and probably just lost your nerve, that she shouldn’t take it personally. But I also agreed that what you did made you an asshole. Then I looked down at Sam’s feet.
“She was wearing sandals. It’s pretty cold out now and any girl still wearing sandals in the autumn months must be pretty comfortable with her feet. If a girl thinks hers are too big or whatever and is resistant to having them touched, she often won’t wear sandals at all, let alone sandals in the cold. So Sam must be comfortable with hers. Now yes, they were a little battle-damaged due to her years of ballet, but she’s been off that for awhile, and they’re starting to look pretty good again. Now I wasn’t able to see her soles, and those are the most important part of a girl’s feet, but I liked what I saw. Sam might not be a Van Tassel, but she’s definitely got some rubbable and kissable little tootsies.”
“Van Tassel?” Seth and I both ask.
“Yeah, a Van Tassel,” says Chris.
“You haven’t told them about your Van Tassel expression?” asks Jimmy.
“I guess not,” says Chris. “Guys, a Van Tassel is a girl with exceptionally attractive feet. Like we’re talking best in show. So named because of Katrina Van Tassel from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. She’s described by Washington Irving as having a tendency to wear a provokingly short petticoat to display the prettiest ankle and foot in the entire country.
“Now, Sleepy Hollow is set in seventeen-ninety, and according to the U.S. census that was taken that same year, there were a total of 3,893,635 people living in the United States, about half of whom we can guess were women. So obviously there were far less women back then than there are now so there wasn’t nearly as much competition, but it was still no small feat for Katrina Van Tassel to posses the absolute most beautiful feet in the entire newborn country of America.
“My mother has an edition of Sleepy Hollow from the early nineteen-hundreds on display in an armoire in our dining room. When I read it as a teenager I was always taken by the passage describing the beauty of Katrina’s feet. So in honor of Washington Irving, a fellow foot fetishist, I call any girl with truly beautiful feet a Van Tassel.”
“Back in the olden days it was considered scandalous to show off your ankles,” says Seth. “I think Irving’s point was to make the Katrina character flaunt her sexuality as opposed to him actually having a foot fetish himself.”
“No,” says Chris. “Because I feel a sense of kinship in Irving’s other writing, too. He shared my enthusiasm for feet. And if it was done just to make Katrina be a little scandalous with her behavior, then she could have worn the short petticoat without Irving specifically stating that she had the most attractive feet in the entire country.
“But anyway, when I was looking at Sam’s feet I had an epiphany. I told her that since you weren’t willing to take her out that I’d like to. Right there in the cafeteria I asked Sam out. And she said yes. Yes, she said. Sam gave me her number. And I’m going to call her. Then as she was leaving Sam said she’d like to meet my friend Justin Bailey again so she could tell you off. I didn’t know what to say that at first, but finally I said that I might be able to make that part of our date. Sam laughed and told me to call her and then said goodbye.”
I had foreseen nothing like this happening. Worst case scenario Chris actually starts seriously dating Samantha which could lead to all sorts of recurring awkward encounters. I wish Professor McMullan had never surmised that I was single and given me that newspaper because of it. I wish I didn’t give off so obvious an aura.
“So why Justin Bailey for an alias?” asks Chris.
“More importantly, why an alias?” asks Seth.
“The man obviously likes his Metroid,” says Jimmy.
“Jimmy’s right,” I say. “The name Sam reminded me of Samus. And I was only ever planning on seeing Samantha the one time so I didn’t think using my real name mattered.”
“And in the end you couldn’t even do that,” says Seth. “What if the date had gone well?”
“It wouldn’t have,” I say.
“But I loaned you some of the money,” says Chris.
“I paid you back.”
“Nevertheless,” says Chris. “And your whole little spiel about using Sam as a springboard to asking out Sabrina is just a fable you’ve spun as well. I think that you’re in love with Jessica. That’s what I think. You won’t ask out Sabrina, who I know is interested in you, because you’re in love with your best friend. Jessica’s also the reason you keep self-sabotaging other potential dates. You need to accept that you’ll only ever be friends with Jessica and start focusing your efforts on Sabrina the Grail Girl.”
“Grail Girl?” Seth and I both ask.
“You handle this one, Jimmy,” says Chris. “It’s your expression.”
“This Sabrina of yours is a cutie who works in a comic book store,” says Jimmy. “She has interests atypical of most women. That makes her a Grail Girl, as in the Holy Grail. Grail Girls are to be quested after just as the Knights of the Round Table quested after the Holy Grail. Yet you fear to undertake the quest, even though you know you would likely succeed in it. Why do you not wish to drink from the proverbial grail that is Sabrina?”
“Because I’m not Sir Galahad,” I say.
“He is definitely not Sir Galahad,” says Seth. “Galahad had courage.”
“Now, there also exists the opposite of a Grail Girl,” says Jimmy. “They are called Ring Girls. A Ring Girl is a girl who goes to the midnight premiere of The Return of the King with her boyfriend and when the first scene begins with Smeagol and Deagol discovering the One Ring, said girl turns to her boyfriend and asks ‘Is that the Ring?’”
“I take it that you personally overheard that comment being said,” says Seth.
“Sure did,” says Jimmy. “The girl sitting right behind me said that. Obviously, she had never seen either of the first two movies or read the books if she had no idea that she’d just witnessed the One Ring claimed. So what business did this Ring Girl have being at the midnight show given that she’s that ignorant of The Lord of the Rings lore? I wanted to stand right up and order her to leave the theater. But I didn’t. I just sat in my seat in disbelief. She really had no clue what the One Ring was.”
“Probably just some cute chick the guy convinced to see the movie with him,” says Seth. “Frankly, I admire his ability to get a non-fan to go to the midnight premiere.”
“Still, would it have killed her to watch the first two films beforehand?” asks Jimmy. “There were plenty of actual fans that couldn’t get tickets for the midnight show, and here Ring Girl is asking the stupidest question imaginable during the film’s very first scene. But my point is, and this applies to all of us, is that we should always s
trive not for a Ring Girl, but for a Grail Girl.”
“Very true,” says Chris. “I’m setting up a date with a girl who has a Watchmen button on her book bag, a girl who seems to actually understand Watchmen, even. But come on, Jimmy. You brought The Lord of the Rings up. And you know why you did. It’s time for you to share some of your counsel. Lord knows Seth and I have already tried. But maybe Justin Bailey here will listen to an outsider. Maybe what he needs is some wisdom from The Red Book of Westmarch.”
“The Red Book?” I ask.
“Of Westmarch?” Seth asks.
A slight look of irritation forms on Jimmy’s face.
“They’re just messing with you, Jimmy,” says Chris. “They know what The Red Book of Westmarch is.”
“Yeah, the book in which Bilbo Baggins recounted his journey to the Lonely Mountain,” I say.
“And the same book in which Frodo Baggins would later recount the War of the Ring,” says Seth.
Jimmy looks calm again.
“That’s right,” says Chris. “The Red Book of Westmarch is Middle-earth’s equivalent of an omnibus edition of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. But you see guys, for Jimmy, The Red Book of Westmarch is much more than mere fantasy fiction. It’s a way of life. For Jimmy has long believed that any event in life can be analogized to a scene from either The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings, and that such an analogy will lead you to the correct course of action.”
“It’s true,” says Jimmy. “When I was a child back before I could read on my own, my father read me The Hobbit as a bedtime story. I was entranced. So naturally, the first novel I ever read on my own was The Lord of the Rings. After that I read what little else Tolkien had published during his lifetime that featured Middle-earth. And I tried reading some of the books that recount the history of Middle-earth that were edited by Christopher Tolkien, but to me he’s always come across as an arrogant bastard that thinks he’s the Son of God, and I really couldn’t care less about his own personal thoughts and commentary on Middle-earth.