by Richard Fore
“Looks like the first guy is going to refuse!” says the Blitz. “That means I won the bet. I forget Delilah, does that mean you spank me or I spank you?” Delilah doesn’t look back but gives Blitz the finger.
As successful so far as the Devil in the desert, Delilah grabs my head and shoves it into her cleavage. She lets up and pushes my head away hard before ignoring Chris and Seth completely and heading over to the Gaia Guys. Jimmy looks at me and I look at him, and we each take a step back from Chris and Seth. A faction has been formed.
“Without any anthropomorphic effort on Delilah’s part you may as well be a eunuch, Jimmy,” says Chris.
“And her boobs weren’t big enough to suffocate you to death, Justin,” says Seth. “Plus, you’re just plain not right in the head.”
“Delilah could have had a kitsune quality,” says Jimmy, “and I still would have said no. They’re offering us a single session of meaningless sex in exchange for sacrificing our place in line. I get enough no balls of string attached sex on my own without their help.”
“And I just want a PS3,” I say. “We’ve been camped out here for twelve hours waiting for this. I’m not just going to walk away to have sex with some prostitute!”
“Don’t think of them as prostitutes,” says Seth. “Think of them as sexual philanthropists. And we’re not talking about local hot chicks you can meet anywhere. I’ve heard of the Bunny Ranch. It’s filled with gorgeous women, a lot of them pornstars. Professional women that’ll cater to our every desire. Anything we want them to do. No inhibitions. All of our fantasies come true!”
“Each and every one of my litter of twenty-seven Felicias was my fantasy come true,” says Jimmy.
“And none of my fantasies involve a bunch of other guys in a waiting room waiting for their number to be called,” I say.
“Silence, vestal virgin!” says Chris. “What do you think you’re going to do with that PS3, huh? There might be a price drop by the time Metal Gear Solid 4 finally rolls around. Do you really think that Genji: Days of the Blade is going to make you happy? That it’ll give you what you need? Cuz it won’t!”
“Who are you to refuse Delilah Summons?” asks Seth. “Her threesome scene with Ava Devine is the stuff of legend!”
“I’d like to hear from the Gaia Guys,” I say, desperate to add to my side.
“Hey Gaia Guys!” shouts Chris. “What have you decided?”
Will emerges from his huddled conversation with Lance, Eric, and Seth and approaches us. “Our Seth is a definite no,” he says. “The rest of us, we’re undecided. How about you?”
“Split down the middle,” says Chris.
“Your Seth is an idiot!” says our Seth.
“There is some concern in our camp that this is a sinister prank,” says Will. “That once we depart the line the Blitz will renege on the offer and we’ll be left with neither PS3 nor girl.”
“He wouldn’t do that,” says Seth. “He’s a prick on his show, but he’s not dishonest. It’s a legit offer.”
“Look at that,” says Chris. Down the line Delilah is playing with the hair of a female line member. The girl pushes Delilah away who retaliates by slapping the girl on the butt before moving on to the next group. “Looks like the offer applies to the boys and the girls.”
Our Seth smiles at the display of girl/girl action. Jimmy remains distant, as if in his mind he were already playing his first PS3 game.
“What are you leaning towards?” I ask Will.
“Well, to be honest,” he says, “I could use a good fling. But I got my PS2 on launch day, and it’s lasted a lot longer and given me much more pleasure than any relationship I’ve ever had with a woman. I gotta plan for the long haul, so I think I’m going to decline.”
“Frankly,” says Chris, “I expected better from a guy named after one of my favorite underrated SNES protagonists.”
“Take a hike, you second-rate Link wannabe,” says Seth.
Will appears distraught. “I’m with you, Will,” I say.
“As am I,” says Jimmy. Will nods and returns to his group to perhaps face a similar assault from Lance and Eric.
“Look, guys,” says Chris, “this should be my decision. I’m the reason we’re here. If I hadn’t attacked that bat-poser Kevin the three of us would be sitting inside Minus World right now and Jimmy wouldn’t even be here! When you read as much fantasy as I do, you come to believe in destiny. Can’t you see this is fate? Don’t you get that we were meant to be here tonight to receive this offer? So I say let’s blow this popsicle stand and go get a free lay!”
Jimmy’s expression changes immediately to the same one worn by Archimedes the moment before he shouted eureka. “Chris has a point,” he says. “In The Hobbit, when Bilbo and the dwarves reach Lake-town, Thorin then informs the Men there of his intent to defeat the dragon Smaug and reclaim his rightful place as King under the Mountain.
“It is said that the Men of Lake-town sang songs of prophecy that the dwarves would one day return, and when they did, gold would flow in the rivers. Some years after the defeat of Smaug, Gandalf and Balin visit Bilbo and tell him the new Master of Lake town has made the town prosperous and peaceful with the dwarves and elves. The Men speak that the rivers now run with gold.
“Bilbo then remarks that the prophecies came true in a fashion. Gandalf tells him of course they did, that Bilbo should not disbelieve in the prophecies simply because he had a hand in bringing them about. Gandalf says that while he is very fond of Bilbo, he is just one little hobbit, and that his adventures and escapades did not occur solely for his own benefit, but that fate was guiding him in completing a purpose that was greater than himself. That must be what is happening now. Chris in his anger saw to it that the four of us would be brought together here tonight. We were meant to be here and have this choice be given to us. All of us. Whose idea was it to come to this particular store?”
“Mine,” I admit.
“You see?” asks Jimmy. “After being banned from Minus World, of all the stores you could have picked you chose this one, where Delilah Summons would come to wreck the best laid plans. I’ve never been in a brothel, never interacted with a lady of the evening. And most certainly you haven’t, either.
“But Bilbo Baggins was not a burglar when Gandalf first came knocking on his door, and yet it was he who stole back the Arkenstone from Smaug. Frodo Baggins never wished to bear the One Ring, but destiny gave him that role. He was meant to carry it. Just as we are now meant to sacrifice our place in line and go to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Perhaps the women there shall help us. Perhaps we shall help them. Regardless, fate requires our presence there.”
“No,” I say. “As John Connor told Kyle Reese to tell Sarah Connor, the future’s not set. There’s no fate but what we make for ourselves. I don’t believe in destiny.”
“If you go by Terminator 3 then there is such a thing as destiny,” says Chris. “Even the machines felt that way.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not going by three,” I say.
“Oh, so you’re saying Three sucked, then?” asks Chris.
“I’m not saying Three sucked,” I say. “I’m just saying I don’t believe in destiny or fate and that I can decide for myself whether or not to walk away from this line and go to some whorehouse instead. And I’m choosing not to,” I say.
“What do you think, Seth?” asks Chris.
“About what? If Terminator 3 sucked, or if something akin to a mystical energy field controls our destinies and is guiding us to the Ranch?”
“Destiny,” says Chris.
“Well, I think that there is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it’s up to you to make it happen.”
“What the hell, man?” asks Chris. “Isn’t that what Jenna Elfman said in that dumbass Jennifer Love Hewitt movie?”
“Yeah, it was Can’t Hardly Wait,” says Seth. “But to speak of it with such bile you sure thought of it pretty quickly. Or did you see that back in the same period
of your life when you saw She’s All That in the theater and cried at the end when Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cook kiss, and you told the male friend you went with who was also misty-eyed that the two of you could never speak of that night again?”
“You son of a bitch!” shouts Chris. “I was drunk and vulnerable when I told you that and you promised you would never tell anyone!”
“You son of a bitch!” shouts Jimmy. “You said you were never going to tell anyone about that!”
I look at Chris like he’s just been denounced as the killer at the end of a mystery novel. His eyes dart back and forth between Jimmy and I while he wonders who to address first. “You’ve got to understand,” Chris says settling on me, “it was simply the fact that ever since I first saw her I’ve always seen that special sparkle of talent within Rachel Leigh Cook that lead me to see She’s All That. Surely, you too see the sparkle within her, right?
“I mean, you’ve always been a Tifa Lockheart man. You have to be, what with her being a busty babe in a tank-top. No whiny flower-power Aeris Gainsbourough for you, right? I mean Aeris has the most overrated death scene in the history of videogames! And surely you as an appreciator of Tifa’s bounciness can see that only one such as the gem that is Rachel Leigh Cook could have done justice voicing her in Final Fantasy Advent Children!”
“She did okay, I guess,” I say.
“You’re not fooling anyone with your anti-Aeris spiel, Chris,” says Jimmy. “You wept when Sephiroth slew her and you know it. And you want to know something else? Aside from Kristanna Loken having a really nice ass, Terminator 3 completely blew.”
“What the hell would you know about nice asses you furry little freak?” asks Chris.
“Back off, he’s right,” says Seth. “Kristanna sports a fine ass, and I dig the fact that in real life she loves the ladies as well as the guys, but the movie did suck. And you have the same blood on your hands as Jimmy. Don’t act like you’re so sexually normal.”
“Women naturally have toes!” says Chris. “It’s healthy to want to suck on them! Suckling is one of the most important instincts we humans are born with!”
“Yeah, but we’re meant to suckle on breasts, not toes,” I say.
“Screw you, man!” says Chris. “The tit titans you admire are so deformed I doubt any of them even could nurse! Of the four of us, I alone can stake a claim to normal sexual interests.”
“Why don’t we all calm down before we reach our limit breaks,” says Jimmy. “A minute ago we were talking about taking a journey that would allow all of us to freely indulge in our respective curiosities.”
“No, Jimmy,” says Chris. “I think it’s time for Seth to reveal himself. No more hiding.” Chris takes a step closer to Seth. “When you wake up in the dark, what unfulfilled urge torments you? What psychosexual perversion is the source of your silent suffering?”
“Nothing. I’m normal,” says Seth.
“I could beat it out of you,” says Chris.
“Ha!” says Seth. “Tell me, what other Freddie Prinze Jr. rom-coms have made you weep like a woman?”
With that, Chris lets loose a mighty roar and rushes at Seth, who dodges him like Little Mac avoiding Bald Bull’s charge. Chris falls headfirst into Will’s tent, almost bringing it down. The Gaia Guys, Delilah Summons, the Blitz, and everyone else stare at us. Pleased that a genuine opportunity to do so has finally arrived, I shrug as best as I can in imitation of Benjamin from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest.
Chris and Seth made up as soon as Chris was able to stand. Although all of us worked to straighten out Will’s tent, everyone else continues to look at us like we’re mad. Seth is conversing with the Blitz over the nuts and bolts of the trip, while the three of us work to take apart Chris’ tent. I have not formally agreed to go yet, but the tent and our supplies belong to Chris and Jimmy, who are both keen on disbanding camp in the presence of the Blitz as a show of good faith.
“Here’s the deal,” says Seth, having returned to us. “We each get one complimentary party which constitutes spending up to and including an overnight session with one or more women, ending in ejaculation. Condom use is required for intercourse and oral sex. Essentially it’s anything goes, but each individual girl has her own will do/won’t do policy.
“Cost of travel is included and it’s quite a ways away, but it’ll be a road trip. They’re not flying us out. It should take around six hours to drive there. Blitz also said at least one of us would have to go on his show to talk about our experience. I volunteered.”
“Is anyone else going?” asks Chris.
“No,” says Seth. “Everyone else is staying.”
“I haven’t agreed to go yet,” I say.
“We can go over the weekend,” says Jimmy. “I have to drive back to California, anyway. You guys can keep the gas money for yourselves. I’ll drive my car and you guys can take one of yours, and we’ll meet up at the Ranch. I guess that’s where we’ll part ways.”
“I haven’t agreed to go yet,” I repeat.
“Then stay here with the Gaia Guys,” says Chris.
“We’re all going,” says Seth. “Listen to Jimmy. We’re meant to go.”
“I believe we are,” says Jimmy. “All of us.”
“I’m sure whichever girl you end up picking will have dealt with less experienced guys than you,” says Seth. “And there’s going to be a smorgasbord of women there. There’s bound to be someone you’ll gravitate to.”
“Do you really think that Genji: Days of the Blade is going to make you happy?” asks Chris again.
Chapter 9: In the Pale Moonlite
The six-hour drive to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch passed uneventfully. Jimmy drove his car while Chris and Seth alternated driving Chris’. It was decided by them at the beginning of the trip that I was never to be allowed to drive, lest I turn back around like a frightened sailor aboard the Santa Maria holding the apocryphal belief he’d sail off the edge of a flat Earth.
For the first third of the trip I rode with Chris, who spoke to me of his unwavering faith in Christopher Nolan’s casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker where so many others had doubt, as well as his fears of Ryan Reynolds being cast as the Flash. After the two hour mark we broke for lunch and I then switched places with Seth and rode with Jimmy, who assured me that I would survive the coming Dawnless Day, although it would push me to my limits. For the last third of the journey I rode with Seth, who told me how tired he was at having Chris badger him to reveal a secret sex fetish he doesn’t actually have.
The exterior of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and the road leading to it were lacking in the apocalyptic deviance I expected. I imagined a battered road lined with flaming garbage cans lit up as brightly as runway lights guiding us to a place reminiscent of the Titty Twister. The actual Ranch however looks more like a nondescript motel you’d only notice because it’s the only building around to notice on a lonely stretch of desert road.
Seth, our de facto leader, walks ahead of us as we enter and enthusiastically informs the front desk attendant that we four are under the patronage of one Jerry Reeves of Lux Radio. We’re directed to a large open area that Seth assures us is where the lineup happens, where we shall select the girl(s) of our choice from a bevy of beauties. Seth gazes ahead longingly like a child taking one last look at the empty space beneath his Christmas tree before going to bed on Christmas Eve. Chris stares at the floor looking somber, perhaps at the ready to do a foot appraisal. Jimmy has a small duffel bag slung over his shoulder which he taps with his finger.
“What do you have in the bag?” I ask Jimmy.
“A few pieces for costuming,” he says. “I’m always prepared wherever I go for a couple of different contingencies. I’ve got ears and tails for a fox, kitsune, and cat.”
“Aren’t a fox and a kitsune the same thing?” I ask.
“No,” says Jimmy. “Asian women have a unique facial structure that requires a different set of ears to complete the transformation than ears for a
non-Asian woman.”
“He’s right,” says Chris, who I’m surprised was even listening. “They have that anime eye thing going.”
“I’d have thought you’d have kept your costume pieces in one of those custom briefcases with the indentations like assassins use to hold their gun and silencer,” I say.
Jimmy laughs. “Too conspicuous.”
“I’m going for a threesome, that much I’m sure about it,” says Seth. He appears to have spoken solely out of frustration with waiting, although we’ve only been waiting for the lineup for the past thirty seconds. “And I’m leaning towards a blonde and a redhead, but I dunno, maybe I should just go totally golden.”
“Cutest feet for me,” says Chris. “Hopefully the same girl won’t have the nicest feet and possess a kitsune quality. And have the biggest boobs of the bunch, too.”
“The bustiest one isn’t necessarily who Justin should pick,” says Seth (it has been made clear that I am to be referred to only as Justin for the time being). “Because then he might just forego sex altogether in favor of pure breast play. He needs a devourer. A man-eater. One who savors not the hunt but the kill. Hopefully Delilah Summons came back.” Seth speaks as if I’m not here and is uninterested in any possible protestations.
“I think he should choose whoever he’s most comfortable with,” says Jimmy.
Fifteen or so women enter the room and the lineup begins. The four of us all stand side by side like the original X-Men staring down the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Only today the threat is a sisterhood. One girl whom I notice immediately even bears a resemblance to Emma Frost. She is a blonde in a white negligee, although she lacks the bust and judging from her friendly smile it would seem the wickedness (I’ve never approved of Frost turning face) to truly embrace the role of the White Queen.