Your Princess is in Another Castle

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Your Princess is in Another Castle Page 28

by Richard Fore

“Wow.”

  “Yeah, you know, World of Warcraft? People aroused by acronyms like to call it WOW.”

  “Oh, I know what it is. I was just saying wow because I can’t believe a guy would pick WOW over a girl. Usually guys just take MMOs by default. When you actually have a choice, you should always choose the girl.”

  “Well, that’s not what Danny did. And it’s hard to compete with WOW. It’s never not in the mood, it’s always on, and you never run out of new and exciting things to do together when you’re with WOW. But unfortunately, just like in real relationships infatuation with WOW can turn into dangerous obsession. That’s what happened with Danny. And it all started out innocently enough. Danny had always been into first-person shooters, but then a couple of his buddies got into WOW. And eventually, Danny joined them.

  “At first it was only an hour or two a day for Danny, the same amount of time he had been spending climbing the leader boards in his shooters. But it gradually got worse. First, he started showing up late for our dates. Then, he started redirecting where our dates would be held, from public venues to solely within his bedroom. And not so we could enjoy any intimate moments together. Oh, no.

  “The only thing we’d ever do is watch some Red vs. Blue machinima, with me on his bed and Danny in his gaming chair. I even tried sitting in his lap once, but he just shoved me off, saying he was concerned about the structural integrity of the chair with my added weight and that it wouldn’t be cheap to replace if it broke. And then after two or three Red vs. Blue episodes, Danny would just kiss me on the forehead and send me home so he could play more WOW.

  “Then, he started ignoring me completely. He’d cancel dates altogether and he quit even returning my calls and would only send me half-sentence texts. And after awhile, even those stopped. Finally, I talked to Danny’s mother, and she told me that I wasn’t the only one he’d been ignoring. He had stopped going in to work, so Best Buy fired him. He had quit going to class, too. Danny’s mom said the last straw came when his birthday was coming up and all he asked for was this little plastic tube that was designed for the sole purpose of being able to urinate into it without having to get up from your computer to go to the bathroom.

  “Danny’s family and I agreed on staging an intervention for him, but he was in total denial that he was addicted. In a last ditch attempt to save him, his parents cancelled his WOW account. And I created a diversion by getting Danny to come to my house under the pretense that I wanted him to help me setup my own PC so I could join him in WOW. This allowed his older brother to upload a virus into Danny’s computer that crashed his hard drive. But his younger brother wasn’t satisfied with that, so he took a baseball bat and smashed Danny’s computer to pieces like he was destroying the copy machine from Office Space.

  “I went back to Danny’s house with him and he flipped out when we confronted him about what we’d done. He said we weren’t going to stop him from playing and he took off in his car. Later that night, the police called his parents and said Danny had been arrested for trying to steal a PC from Best Buy. His parents reluctantly paid his bail and convinced the Best Buy management not to press charges after the situation was explained to them. And they knew Danny had been a good worker once. But Best Buy had a condition: that Danny be sent to a rehabilitation clinic specializing in internet addiction. That was the last time I’ve heard from him, when he’d written a snail mail letter to me from inside rehab.

  “In the letter, Danny asked me to buy him a copy of The Burning Crusade WOW expansion the day it comes out since he won’t be able to buy it himself. So he hadn’t been cured yet when he wrote me. To Danny, I’m still just the other woman he sees on the side. But Danny never fell for another player. There was never an elven seductress who came and stole Danny away from me. There were no online mistresses. At times, I wish there were. It would be easier for me to understand it all that way. But it was always about World of Warcraft itself for him.

  “I didn’t write Danny back and I’m not waiting for him. I hope when he leaves rehab he’ll be cured, but I’m not holding my breath. The whole ordeal is a sad situation but it makes for a good breakup story and I think the fact that I can laugh at it now means I’m over it and Danny. I’m ready to date again now. And my dad knows the whole story, so you can understand why he wouldn’t want me to have my heart broken all over again by another MMO addict.”

  “I understand. And you don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got far too much Raphael in me to ever want to join any massive multiplayer online communities.”

  “Actually, it’s massively if you want to say it properly. Sorry, but I’m a gal who likes her suffixes.”

  “Well, there you go. That’s how little I know about MMOs. And I’m a guy who likes his prefixes.”

  “See what I mean about you being like Raphael? Leonardo would say he likes one thing and Raph would vouch for the opposite just for the sake of being difficult.”

  Our server returns and sets down our pizza. Sabrina smiles. “Pizza time,” she says. “It wouldn’t be a true turtle-related conversation if it weren’t over some pizza.”

  As she prophesized, Sabrina did indeed eat very little during the meal. I’ve been lucky so far in avoiding any awkward pauses during the post-dining conversation phase of our date, as Sabrina and I have kept the dialogue alive through our rapid-fire questioning of each other regarding nothing in particular. But now Sabrina is looking at me with quiet curiosity.

  “I just realized something,” she says at last.

  “Uh-oh, you’re not about to give me an excuse so you can bail on me, are you?”

  Sabrina laughs. “No. I just realized that you’ve been holding everything with your left hand. You’re a lefty.”

  “Yep,” I say. “Most right-handers tend not to notice, though. They just assume everyone else is like they are. That winds up making us lefties a pretty underrepresented bunch. From the videogame world we have Link, but I don’t think there are any southpaw superheroes. And Sinestro is the only left-handed supervillain I know of.”

  “Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern, he wears his ring on his left hand, same as Sinestro. And since you’re a Link fan, you should cosplay as him sometime. I think you’d make a very cute Link, plus being a lefty makes you well suited for him.”

  “Maybe if we ever go to a con together and you go as Princess Zelda.”

  “Sure, that’d be fun. I love going to cons.”

  “Cool. I just thought of another question for you, though.”

  “Shoot.”

  “If you were writing a dating profile, what would your headline be?”

  “Fangirl seeks fanboy. Yours?”

  “Lost cause seeks deus ex machina.”

  Sabrina laughs. “A bit desperate perhaps, but the Latin adds a touch of sophistication. So, what made you finally ask me out, though? I’d about given up on you since I was sending out hints with all the subtly of dropping an ACME anvil on top of your head, but you still weren’t asking me out.”

  I decide to spare Sabrina an honest accounting of the events leading up to my asking her out. “Well, you left me with little choice. I just gave up on thinking you were going to ask me out.” That sounds much saner than the truth.

  “You were right to give up on that idea. I wasn’t going to.”

  “Why not?”

  “Chris asked me not to. He said that you having to ask me out would be a good experience for you. One that you needed. So, I agreed I wouldn’t. And I think Chris was right given how much resistance you put forth. But I’m also kind of a shy gal myself. I’m glad you did finally ask me out, though.”

  “I can’t believe Chris did something that.”

  “You can’t? Seems just like the kinda thing he’d do to me.”

  “Well, I’ll have to let him know how grateful I am he did that the next time I see him. But how come you’re so shy, though? You must realize how in-demand beautiful geeky girls are. We male nerds suffer from the same female deficit
that all the guys up in Alaska do.”

  Sabrina blushes. “Well, I do get flirted with a lot at work, yeah. But most of the time the guy is neither as charming nor as cute as you are. And I wasn’t always the adorable angel I am now. I was pretty gawky looking back in high school, and I don’t mean in an Ugly Betty lose the glasses, braces, and get a different haircut and suddenly you become the hottest girl in school way, either. I got teased a lot. And I was very meek and bookish so I didn’t even have many fellow nerd friends.”

  “I wasn’t very popular in school, either. Except for two brief instances in seventh grade and my junior year of high school.”

  “Oh, yeah? What were those?”

  “Well, in seventh grade my entire junior high school experienced a month long intense fascination with pogs.”

  “Those milk cap-like things?”

  “Yeah, those. I don’t remember what started it, but suddenly pogs became all the rage at school, so much so that they transcended all social groups and forged an unholy alliance between jock and nerd alike, and we played each other with total impunity.”

  “I remember pogs being big for awhile. In fact, I can remember getting some Happy Meals that had Power Ranger pogs as the featured toy.”

  “Yes, but it wasn’t just Power Rangers, there were also Happy Meal pogs from the much less popular series VR Troopers. So, the gist of the game you played with pogs was you and your opponent would make stacks of the cardboard pogs and then take turns dropping your slammer, which was a special kind of heavier pog made of rubber or plastic, down onto the cardboard stacks of pogs to scatter them, with the player keeping any that landed face-up on his turn.

  “I became quite popular because during my previous summer vacation, I had visited a comic book store where I purchased some pogs and a unique metal slammer that I was told was illegal to use in formal tournaments. So, I was in to pogs back before they became popular, and my possession of an illegal slammer gave me some notoriety as the kid to beat at school. And I also took on a few apprentices, so all of a sudden I found myself training the popular guys wearing Coed Naked and No Fear t-shirts on how to play pogs.

  “All was well until a few bad sports lost some games and they threw all their opponents’ pogs into the air out of frustration. All the other kids then started grabbing them in what our school administration dubbed pog riots. So it didn’t take long before pogs were banned from our school altogether. And after about a month of having to play in the shadows all the jocks lost interest in them, and Magic: The Gathering was just hitting its stride with the geek crowd, so pogs disappeared, along with my popularity.”

  “I can totally picture the junior high you standing atop a pile of slain opponents, triumphantly holding up your illegal slammer. That’d make for a great Frank Frazetta painting.”

  I laugh. “That would have, for my illegal slammer was awesome. It was the color of gold. It was beautiful. I still have it. I keep it as a memento of my days at the top of the junior high school hierarchy.”

  “So, how’d you become popular again in high school?”

  “Dragon Ball Z. It had been airing awhile in syndication, but it really took off after it started airing on Cartoon Network. Then DBZ hit the mainstream and once again there was something that brought jocks and nerds together. You had star athletes wearing the same Vegeta t-shirts as geeks. I became popular again because I had some bootleg tapes of uncensored Japanese episodes that hadn’t been aired yet in the USA, so I was able to give people early glimpses of Goku transforming into a super Saiyan and the arrival of Trunks. But like with pogs, Dragon Ball Z was a mainstream fad. And other anime series like Neon Genesis Evangelion couldn’t be expected to hold the interest of jocks.”

  “I remember when DBZ hit the mainstream. It makes sense what with all the action it had. But you’re right, some franchises are destined not to be in the mainstream. And the Neon Genesis Evangelion anime is one of them. I’d hate for there to be a live-action Americanized Evangelion movie. I think Star Trek is another franchise that can’t be mainstreamed. Although, I’ve heard rumors about a new movie that will feature young versions of the original crew that’s supposed to be an edgy new take on the franchise that will supposedly appeal to the masses. You know, that this ain’t your daddy’s Star Trek type nonsense. I can’t say I see such a concept actually working.”

  “Me neither. But that’s good, though. It gives us a movie we can not see together on opening night and instead we can just watch Wrath of Khan again.”

  “Not seeing the new Trek together sounds like a fine choice for a future date.” Sabrina rests her chin on her hands. “So, now I want you to tell me something that you really hate. And it can’t be comic book, videogame, or George Lucas related.”

  “Well, that pretty much rules out most of the answers I could give that could be turned into impassioned speeches. Although there is one thing, though. Dolphins. I’ve always hated dolphins.”

  Sabrina looks at me in horror like I just deliberately hurled a mint condition copy of Action Comics #1 into a tar pit. “But dolphins are like the teddy bears of the sea. How can you hate them? I mean what are you, a Care Bears villain? Do you just hate cuddliness in all its forms and want it wiped off the face of the Earth?”

  “I knew I shouldn’t have said that. You’re a girl. Girls love dolphins.”

  “Well, of course. I went through the same phase of wanting to be a marine biologist just like every other little girl does. And dolphins are so cute. And friendly. Everybody loves dolphins. You’d better have a pretty compelling reason for harboring such hatred for them.” Sabrina folds her arms in contempt, awaiting an acceptable response from me.

  “I do have a reason. And it’s precisely what you just said. Everybody loves dolphins. They’re the most overrated creatures on Earth. Now, don’t get me wrong. They are cute. And I loved Ecco the Dolphin, but come on. Every can of tuna fish you buy always says that it’s dolphin safe. But why? Why are tuna considered expendable and dolphins not? Oh, well, it’s because dolphins are cuter and smarter, of course. So, why don’t we just install a giant fence on the ocean floor permanently segregating dolphins and tuna like it’s an undersea Auschwitz?

  “Now, whales I understand. A lot of species of whale are endangered. So, I get why they’re protected. But it just sickens me that the same person who would go into a Red Lobster and hungrily stare at the lobster tank, deciding the fate of the lobsters within with the same level of indifference as a Roman Emperor deciding the fate of a felled gladiator with but a gesture of his thumb would look at me like I was a murderer if I dared to order a dolphin entrée.”

  Sabrina gives me a puzzled expression, wondering just how serious I’m being while also perhaps fondly remembering a once adored trapper-keeper with a dolphin on it from her schoolgirl days. “Okay, well, I can see how you might be a little irked at the preferential treatment dolphins receive over other aquatic life. But there has to be more to it than that. Were you viciously attacked by a school of rogue bottlenoses during your first swim in the ocean or something?”

  “I may have experienced a childhood trauma venturing into the ocean blue that involved a certain aquatic mammal that forever altered my view of their species.”

  “Well, if you did have a run-in with some dolphin brutes, it’s a shame that Aquaman wasn’t there to help you. That would’ve been one of the few times he’d have really been useful. He could have called them off.”

  “You know, I realize that Aquaman gets a lot of hate. His portrayal on Super Friends and his powers make him an easy target. Cartoon Network, even comics fans, they all make fun of him. They act like Aquaman’s useless out of the water. But he’s not. He has superhuman strength and his abilities aren’t dependant upon his proximity to water.

  “And of course, there’s also the old joke that Superman can do everything everyone else on the Justice League can do and more. But Superman is still just one man. And if he’s battling Darkseid on Apokolips or visiting the bot
tle city of Kandor, then you’re just gonna have to do without Superman for awhile.

  “And just how cool would someone like Spider-Man be outside of his preferred big city environment with no skyscrapers he can use to websling off of? What if he were in the Great Plains? Or the desert? Yeah, Spidey is still superhumanly strong, but so is Aquaman. So Aquaman gets a bad rap. He’s the victim of popular culture’s self-fulfilling prophecy that he’s worthless. I doubt most people who bash him have ever even read an Aquaman story, anyway. I admit that I used to be like that. But then I gave Aquaman a chance. And I realized that he stands on equal ground with the rest of DC’s finest.”

  “I’ve never really thought about Aquaman like that before,” admits Sabrina. “Perhaps I’ve been too hard on him. Maybe everyone has. Maybe he does deserve some recognition. Unfortunately, his name has also been tarnished by some pretty lousy merchandising. They made an Aquaman game for the Gamecube and X-Box and it was terrible. It got some of the worst reviews ever and further solidified Aquaman as a joke character.”

  “That’s true, but it’s not like Superman’s track record in videogames has been all that super, either. Shall I describe the flaws, both graphical and mechanical, of Superman 64 for you?”

  “Touché. You know, I think maybe one problem with Aquaman is that he doesn’t really have a symbol. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, they all have their iconic emblems. But Aquaman doesn’t have one. Neither does Martian Manhunter, and just how popular is he?”

  “Aquaman is definitely lacking iconic imagery. He does have the A on his belt, but that’s neither particularly distinct nor inspiring.”

  “Yeah, definitely not unique, because Apocalypse sports an A on his waist as well. And certainly not inspiring. You don’t see people wearing t-shirts with Aquaman’s A on them. And I know firsthand from working in a comic book store that more people buy t-shirts depicting their favorite hero’s symbol than shirts that depict the hero themselves.”

  “True. And the only Aquaman shirts I’ve ever seen have been of his cartoonish depiction on Super Friends. And you wear one of those not because you like Aquaman, but rather because you’re reveling in Aquaman’s perceived lameness.”

 

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