“I thought I did.” She sighed with frustration. “Now I’m not so sure. I accused Luke of being selfish. But I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the one who’s selfish.”
“Why?”
Her throat thickened and she was forced to swallow before she could speak. “Grandfather, does loving someone mean you have to sacrifice everything that’s important to you? That you should change who you are just to make the other person happy?”
“No. It’s a half-and-half thing, honey. That’s what kept me and your Grandmother Callie together until the day she died. Having enough respect for each other to meet on middle ground.”
Her grandfather’s simple, yet sage, advice hit her slowly and then regret followed at a much swifter pace. She’d not met Luke in the middle, Paige realized. She’d not even told him she’d loved him.
No, she’d been too afraid to admit her feelings to Luke. She’d not wanted to give him the chance to reject her. She’d not wanted to admit, even to herself, that she’d given her heart to him and in doing so, set herself up for a giant hurt.
Straightening back around on the step, she gazed thoughtfully out toward the shadowed barn, then on to the dark fields beyond. To leave this place and her grandfather would tear a hole right through her. But losing Luke was already tearing an even bigger hole.
She couldn’t let things end between them this way, she decided. She had to try to meet him in the middle and pray he’d be willing to do the same.
“I’ve made some mistakes, Grandfather,” she said quietly. “But I’m going to try to right them.”
“You will, granddaughter. I have no doubt about that.”
*
Luke wasn’t sure how he got through his shift without making some sort of catastrophic mistake. After his talk with Chet, his mind had been consumed with Paige and how he was going to convince her that he wasn’t the coldhearted bastard she’d walked out on a week ago.
Somehow his professional training had overridden his emotions and he’d managed to deal with the steady influx of patients without the slightest hiccup. But now, as he drove as fast as the speed limit would allow toward the McCrea farm, he was trying to choke back a fear such as he’d never felt before.
Over the years Luke had made plenty of mistakes. He could admit to that. But none of them had come close to the blunders and missteps he’d made with Paige. At this point he could only wonder and hope that he’d not waited too long to right his wrongs.
This time, when he finally pulled to a stop in front of the McCrea farm house, he recognized an upheaval had taken place in him this past week. Now as he gazed out the windshield at the old house, with its rusty roof and raggedy yard, there was no feeling of disdain. Instead, a sweet dawning settled over him as he finally understood he was looking at a home. A real home. One that he desperately wanted.
By the time Luke had exited the car and started walking toward the house, Samson was bounding across the yard and scooting under the gate.
Luke squatted on his heels to greet the dog and laughed as the animal slapped a happy tongue against his face.
“Hello handsome boy. You’ve not gotten a girlfriend yet? Well, don’t feel bad. I’m not sure I have one, either. But we’re going to try to change all of that—for both of us.”
He gave the dog a few more strokes on his head and down his back before he started on to the house. By the time he’d reached the front steps no one had bothered to come out, which could only mean that Paige and her grandfather were out of earshot and hadn’t heard his car drive up.
Luke looked down at the dog for help. “Where is she? Can you show me?”
The dog yelped, turned in a circle and took off in a trot behind the house. Luke followed and was striding across the barnyard behind Samson when he spotted Paige in the chicken pen, tossing out scratch grain to the hungry red hens.
She spotted Samson first and then her gaze drifted beyond the dog to include him. For a moment she appeared to freeze in place and then after staring at him for what seemed like eons, she threw out the last of the scratch and left the pen.
His heart pounding, Luke stepped forward to meet her halfway across the dusty ground.
“I started to knock on the door, but Samson showed me where you were,” he explained.
Her jeans had been washed so many times the knees had busted through and the hems had unraveled. A hot west wind whipped her red hair around her shoulders. She wore a baggy T-shirt with Nurses Rule written on the front.
She looked natural and real and perfectly wonderful.
“I didn’t hear you drive up,” she said.
Her voice was trancelike and the can of chicken feed was clutched tightly to her breasts, as though it was a shield. Luke figured his unannounced appearance had shocked her.
“I should have called. But I…didn’t want to give you time to get prepared.”
A faint frown marred the smooth spot between her brows. “Prepared for what?”
He swallowed. “For me. I wanted to catch you off guard. Before you had enough time to think up all the horrible things I needed to hear.”
Clearly dazed, her head swung slowly back and forth. “I don’t understand, Luke. And I don’t know why you’re here. But I’m glad you are. You’ve saved me driving all the way to Tahoe this afternoon.”
It was Luke’s turn to be confused. “Why were you going to Tahoe?”
The same emotions that were whirling through Luke like a fierce tornado crossed her face. Anguish, fear and hope were all there for him to see.
Her voice barely above a whisper, she said, “To see you and—”
“Chet told me you were leaving Tahoe General,” he interrupted. “I can’t let you do that, Paige. The two of us were meant to be together. At work—at home. Wherever life takes us.”
Her lips parted with shock. Then suddenly she dropped the can of feed and stepped toward him. “Luke, are you—what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’ve been stupid and selfish and blind and—”
She pressed a forefinger against his lips to stop his list of self-recriminations. “Luke, do you love me?”
The need to haul her into his arms overcame everything and as he gathered her close, he buried his face in the side of her hair. “I love you madly, completely. More than anything,” he whispered huskily. “I should’ve shared my feelings a long time ago.”
Her arms slipped around his waist and held on tightly. “And I should’ve told you how very much I love you, Luke. But I was afraid to lay my feelings out to you. I thought you only cared about having an affair and I guess my pride just wouldn’t let me say the word love to you. And then when you saw the farm and—”
“Paige, I need to explain—”
“No, Luke, I’ve been wrong. It was selfish of me to expect you to give up your nice home just for my sake. This isn’t your style and it’s certainly not what you want. If—”
This time Luke used his forefinger to halt her words. “Hang that damn house. It’s going on the real estate market!”
“Luke! That isn’t—”
“Wait, Paige! It’s important that you hear me out. There’s so much I need to tell you. So much you need to know about me before you can understand everything I’m about to say.” Lifting his head, his gaze scanned the barnyard. “Is there some place we can sit?”
“There’s a bench behind the chicken house.”
She took him by the hand and led him over to the small shade of a pinyon pine, where a rickety wooden bench was steadied against the trunk of the tree.
After they sat down close together and Samson lay at their feet, Luke reached for her hand. She squeezed his fingers, but he could see plenty of doubts shadowing her silver gray eyes.
Before he could say a word, she began to speak. “Luke, ever since I walked out of your house I thought I was right. I thought I was doing the only thing I could do. But I was wrong. I didn’t realize it until last night. Grandfather said when you really love someone you me
et them in the middle. I wasn’t doing that. I’m so sorry. I—”
She paused as his hands came up to cradle her face. “Oh, Paige, I wasn’t even meeting you a quarter of the way. But since that day you left I’ve thought a lot about what you said—about me appreciating the blessings I had. That hit me right in the gut. Because you were right. So damn right it hurt.”
Her gaze delved deeply into his. “You’ve told me about growing up poor. How you wanted to make things better for your parents. That’s nothing to feel guilty about, Luke. I know that deep down your intentions were good.”
With a rueful shake of his head, he said, “Somewhere along the way, my intentions got misguided. My parents were simple folks and they were happy and contented. I was the one who wanted to change their lives—because I wanted more, or so I thought I did. Anyway, after I got through medical school, they wanted me to return home to West Virginia and build a practice in our little hometown. It made them proud to think of their son helping their friends and neighbors. But I kept putting them off and instead took a job at a hospital in Baltimore. Secretly I wasn’t about to waste all those years of hard work and money in some poor little town where I’d have trouble making enough wages to keep my head above water.”
Her sober gaze continued to scan his face and Luke could only wonder what she was seeing and if she’d ever be able to look at him with pride.
“So all these years you’ve believed you let your parents down.”
He groaned with misgivings. “I did more than let them down. I killed them!”
Frowning, she shook her head. “Luke, they had a car accident. You weren’t responsible for that,” she said gently.
He draw in a deep breath and looked down at Samson. The dog was closely watching the both of them and the pitiful waste of the past years hit Luke even harder. No pets or family. No close friends or anyone to love. He’d locked his emotions away and pretended the security was worth it.
“I was responsible—even though it was indirectly. And it all began with a young teenage boy by the name of Curtis,” he told her, as memories of those days at Oceanside Medical Center whirled though his mind. “He’d been admitted to the hospital with a wheezy cough and the chief physician for the IM department swiftly diagnosed the boy’s problem as asthma. At that time I was only beginning my residency, but I was just arrogant enough to speak my mind.”
The corners of her mouth tilted upward. “Imagine that,” she said.
“Yeah, imagine me, a doctor just barely out of his internship and from a poor family, arguing with a chief physician. But I felt my duty was toward the patient. I was confident Curtis was suffering from a heart ailment and I told the doctor so.”
“What happened? He didn’t think you were experienced enough to diagnose a disease?”
His hand shook as he raked it through his hair and though he would’ve never wanted Paige to see him in such a vulnerable state before, now that hardly mattered. He was finished pretending that he was cool and unflappable. Done with trying to hide his feelings.
“Dr. Weston promptly told me my theory was overblown hogwash and ordered me to keep my mouth shut or I’d find myself working in some third world country.”
Paige gasped. “He must have been an egotistical maniac.”
Grimacing, Luke said, “He was the sort that never wanted his word to be questioned. I despised him and everything he stood for.”
“So what did you do?”
“I went home and discussed it with Andrea, my wife. At that time we were happy or it seemed that way to me. We’d married while I was still in medical school and she’d worked hard to help me get to where I was. Up until then I thought she’d stuck to my side because she loved me. But later—well, after the incident at the hospital, I started having doubts. You see, she wanted…no, she practically demanded that I keep my mouth shut and not make waves. She argued that I couldn’t afford to lose my job over one little patient. Besides, the boy’s parents were happy with the diagnosis. Especially when it appeared the asthma could be handled and he’d be able to play sports.”
“Oh. That must have hurt. That your wife didn’t side with your feelings.”
He sighed. “It did. But I wanted her to be happy so I gave in to her wishes. That was the biggest mistake of my life, Paige.”
“Oh, please, don’t tell me the boy died, Luke,” she said in a stricken voice.
“No. But close to it. Two months after Dr. Weston sent him home with asthma medication, the boy’s heart suddenly stopped while he was playing basketball. He survived, but suffered severe brain damage.”
“Oh, Luke. I’m so sorry.”
He pressed her soft hand between the two of his while thinking her heart was full of love. Love that he didn’t deserve, but wanted desperately.
Clearing his throat, he said in a raw voice, “That was one time I wished I’d been wrong. But it happened and the damage couldn’t be reversed. After that Dr. Weston continued to remind me to keep my mouth shut and how the hospital didn’t need a malpractice suit to mar its perfect reputation.”
“He must have been a real sweetheart,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“He was a rotten apple all right. But what did that make me? I should have stood up to him.”
Her eyes were full of understanding as they studied his face. “It made you human. And in all probability I doubt your superiors would have paid much attention to your opinion anyway. In fact, they would’ve probably thought you were trying to butt in and outshine your boss.”
“You could be right,” he glumly agreed. “But after that the situation at the hospital became impossible. And home was even worse. I began to see Andrea’s true colors and they were hardly pretty. Finally, things between us stretched to the breaking point and she took great pleasure in telling me she only married me because I was going to be a doctor. She wanted the money and social life that went with the profession. She hadn’t guessed I was going to be a bleeding heart without a spine.”
Paige reached for both his hands and squeezed them tightly. “Oh, Luke, when I finally woke up and realized my ex-husband was not really the person I thought I’d married, it was like having my feet knocked out from under me. I felt angry at him and myself for being so stupid. I imagine you felt the same way.”
He sighed. “Stupid, yes. That’s how I felt. So I ended up divorcing Andrea and resigning from the hospital. I wanted to put it all behind me, go home and regroup. I called my parents and told them I was coming home. They were ecstatic and insisted on driving to Roanoke to meet my plane. That’s when the accident happened.”
Her eyes suddenly misted over with tears and in that moment Luke understood that all the pain and tragedies he’d been through had led him here for a reason. And that reason was to love Paige, to make a life with her that would be meaningful and fulfilling.
“You didn’t cause their accident, Luke. You must realize that by now.”
He stroked his fingertips gently over her cheek. “You’re helping me to see that, my darling. And I think my sister is beginning to forgive me. I heard from her yesterday—the first time in months. She’s going to have a baby.”
Paige gave him an encouraging smile. “That’s wonderful news. You’re going to be an uncle.”
His eyes locked with her as he cradled her face between his hands. “I want to be more than an uncle, Paige. I want to be a husband and father. I want you to be my wife. I want us to have those babies you’ve longed for.”
Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. “Luke, are you serious? Really serious?”
Smiling, he slipped off the bench, kneeled on one knee and pressed her hand over the region of his heart. “I love you, Paige. Love you madly. Will you marry me? Will you let me live here with you and your grandfather? Where we can teach our children about the things that are really important in life?”
A tiny groan sounded in her throat as she leaned forward and began to plant euphoric kisses all over h
is face.
“Yes! Yes, I’ll marry you!” she responded in a breathless rush, then pulled back, her expression anxious. “But Luke, your house—your home on the rim. You—”
Shaking his head, he stood, then drew her up and into the tight circle of his arms. “That was never a home, Paige. I was just using that place as an excuse not to make a commitment to our relationship. Because I was afraid to reach for something as special as you. Afraid I would lose all over again.”
“That day you came to the farm. You looked sick at the dinner table. You wanted to leave,” she reminded him.
Closing his eyes, he pressed his cheek against hers. “I’ll tell you why I looked sick—why I wanted to leave. Because I suddenly saw all the mistakes I’d made with my family. All the wonderful things I hadn’t appreciated and was so desperately missing in my life. Yet even then, I was too frightened to admit it to you or even to myself. I wanted to run back to my big house on the rim and pretend that’s all I needed. But when Chet told me you were leaving—this time for good—I realized I couldn’t keep running.”
She shifted her head until her lips found his and as she kissed him, sweet joy poured into him, until there was no room for dark memories or regrets. Paige’s love had lifted him out of that misery and into the light.
“You’re home now, Luke,” she whispered softly. “Where you’ll always be loved.”
Luke felt something nudge his leg and looked down to see Samson was trying to garner his attention.
“Uh, there’s one more little problem we need to deal with, Paige. Samson still doesn’t have a gal pal. I told him we were going to correct that as soon as possible.”
Laughing, she grabbed his hand and began to tug him toward the house. “Let’s go find Grandfather and tell him there’s going to be two weddings around here.”
They’d taken two steps before he pulled her to a stop. “What about your grandfather? Is he going to mind having a doctor in the house?”
Her Kind of Doctor Page 17