by M. D. Melai
I was deep in thought when I turned the corner of a building and slammed into something hard before it wrapped its arms around me. I knew instantly who it was. The scent of his cologne was unmistakable.
“It’s going to be okay Lily,” Emilio whispered in my ear. “This isn’t your fault.” He pulled me in closer as I grabbed a fist full of his shirt and I clung to him as tight as I could. The tighter I pulled him in, the tighter his arms became around me.
I had cried when I told my father goodbye, but I hadn’t cried for his death until that moment. I buried my head in his chest and let every emotion flood out of me.
“Shhhh,” his soothing voice whispered in my ear.
Time meant nothing to me as I stood there wrapped up in Emilio’s arms. Eventually, he turned and pulled me into his side.
“Let’s go home,” he murmured.
Emilio brought me to the curb and motioned to a black SUV that pulled up in front of us. Then he opened the door for me and I climbed in.
Benito’s and Violet’s faces were staring at me when I looked up. They both looked sad and concerned at the same time. Violet immediately handed me a bottle of water. I took a sip at first and then downed the rest of the bottle before Emilio even made it into the car. I hadn’t realized I was so thirsty.
He had walked around and was climbing into the seat beside me when I remembered he was hurt.
“Emilio, oh my gosh I’m so sorry,” I said looking at him as he struggled to get the door shut. I could see where I had left a puddle of tears on his shirt. “My brain didn’t register. Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
He half smiled at me. “Nah. I'm pretty tough,” he said as Benito started to pull away.
I thought we were going to head back to the hospital, but we didn’t. We headed out of the city, back home. No one said anything for a long time. Benito kept eyeing me from the rearview mirror and Violet angled herself so she could see me out of the corner of her eye. I knew they were both worried.
Violet was worried for a different reason than everyone else. I could see it in her eyes. She was hoping I wasn’t going to spiral out of control. I told her before I left that Roman’s death almost sent me over the edge again. My own words were on repeat in my mind, so I could only imagine they were doing the same in hers.
I couldn’t take the silence anymore, so I finally spoke up.
“How did you guys find me?”
Emilio reached up and flipped my locket in his hands.
Right. I should have known.
“Oh,” I said.
“I let you go for a while,” Emilio said as he took my hand in his. “I just tracked you, but you started to get further and further away, so I thought it might be time to come and get you. Lucas was pissed I had even let you go. I knew you needed it though.” He sighed for moment before he continued. “I had just told Dante I was leaving when Benito heard and volunteered to drive and, of course, Violet said she was coming.”
I nodded my head slightly.
No one spoke again after that. When we pulled up to the house, everyone was already back home. Dante stepped out onto the porch to greet us, taking Violet into his arms as soon as she walked up to him.
I helped Emilio up the stairs and into the house. He was still in bad shape. He winced a few times, but didn’t complain. I couldn’t imagine the pain he must be in physically, much less mentally. He should have never left the house today.
When he was steady, I let go of his arm and headed up the stairs. He grabbed my hand and I turned to look at him.
“I’m fine,” I said, squeezing his hand. His eyes searched mine before he squeezed my hand and let go.
I was halfway up the stairs when I remembered I hadn’t seen Lucas yet. I stopped and turned, knowing Emilio would still be there.
“Where’s Lucas?” I asked.
I saw, for a fraction of a second, the pain I had just inflicted by asking him that question, but he recovered quickly. “Since your brothers are busy and I’m out of commission right now, he is taking care of some business for us. He said he would call you as soon as he could.”
I turned without another word and headed towards my room. I could feel Emilio’s eyes as they followed me the rest of the way up the stairs until I disappeared from his sight.
As soon as I was in my room, I shut the door and slid down the back side of it as my legs gave out from underneath me. I felt like crying, but the tears wouldn’t come, so I sat there and stared out my window from across the room. My mind was unfocused and my thoughts jumbled.
A knock at the door startled me. I hurried to get up off the floor, but I wasn’t fast enough. Violet nailed me in the middle of my forehead with the door, which made me lose my balance and fall backwards.
“Lily, I’m so sorry,” Violet said as she stood in the doorway.
I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing. It started off softly, but kept progressing louder and louder.
I looked up to see Violet looking at me with pure shock on her face, which made me laugh even harder. I could barely catch my breath.
“Lily?” she asked, her eyes wide and cautious as she approached me.
“Violet?” I laughed back sarcastically.
“Dante!” Violet yelled.
“I’m sorry,” I laughed, waving Violet off.
Dante came rushing into the room moments later and took one look at me.
“What the hell is wrong with her?” he asked.
“I hit her with the door on accident and she just started laughing. I think maybe she is in shock or took something, I don’t know.” Violet rushed her words out.
Dante grabbed my face and I tried to pull it out of his grip, still slightly laughing.
“Liliana?” he began. His eyes were wide and looking straight into mine. “Are you in shock? Did you take something?”
In an instant I stopped laughing and stared at him.
“I didn’t take anything,” I said as I struggled to push myself away from him. Dante let go of my face and I pushed myself up off the ground. I felt lightheaded instantly and started to drop back to the ground, when his hand flew to my arm and caught me. “I swear I didn’t,” I said, defending myself again.
“Then why are you laughing?” he asked as he helped me to my bed, and Benito came barreling through the door.
I just looked at them for a moment before I began. “Oh, I don’t know. I mean our father was shot in the head a few days ago. Today we made the decision to turn off his machines, and then I watched him die! Then Violet hits me in the head with the damn door. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, so why not laugh it off?”
Dante wrapped his arm around my shoulders as Violet sat beside me, and Benito knelt in front of me.
“We are all hurting,” Benito said as he took my hand in one of his. He placed his other hand on my chin and tilted my head up so I would look at him. When I did, he continued. “We will all need to work together to get through this. We need to be strong for mamma and each other. It’s not about the fall that defines us, it’s about how we rise from the ashes. Pops wouldn’t want this. He wouldn’t want us to be crying over him. He’s probably up there right now shaking his fist at all of us and telling us to get our shit together.”
We all laughed just a little at that, because it was true. He probably was.
“We will all be okay and make it through this together,” Benito said, kissing my cheek. I took a deep breath and shook my head. I didn’t know if I could agree to that, but I was going to try.
***
I woke up the next morning to Emilio’s light snores. He was propped up in bed beside me in a sitting position. My head was using his lap as a pillow and we were still holding hands. I had woken the entire house up in the middle of the night with my bloodcurdling screams. Emilio had told everyone else to go back to bed and that he would stay with me.
I didn’t want to bother him, so I slowly and carefully crawled out of bed. My phone alerts light was bli
nking feverishly, so I grabbed it and some clothes from my dresser as I headed towards the bathroom.
I checked my phone as soon as I laid my clothes on the counter. I had two missed calls and three text messages just from Lucas. I had fallen asleep before he was finished with work. The text ranged from ‘I'm about to leave,’ to ‘are you awake?’ and finally ‘when you get up, call me. I love you.’ I shot him back a couple of texts that said I was sorry I had fallen asleep and that I hoped to see him sometime today.
After that, I sat down my phone and looked into the mirror. I looked worse than I did yesterday. I didn’t think my skin color could become any paler than it already was, but it did. I had dark circles around my eyes and a knot on my head from where Violet had hit me yesterday. It wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was also bruised.
Eventually, I made my way into the shower and let the hot water soothe my pain. It lasted for only a few minutes, so I hurried through my shower and quickly got dressed.
As I was putting on my makeup and fixing my hair, I thought about what all I had to do today. Dante, my mother, and I had to meet my brothers in the city by eleven. We had an appointment at the funeral home to discuss the funeral arrangements and pick out my father’s casket. My father’s parents were buried in the city at the family plot, so there was no need to return to Toronto.
“Lily, you okay?” Emilio’s voice broke through my thoughts. He was knocking on the bathroom door.
“Yes,” I choked out. “I’ll be out in just a minute.”
“Okay, I was just checking on you. You have been in there for a while.”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay just fifteen more minutes and I will be out.”
He didn’t answer me back.
I did the final touches and made my way downstairs. My mother was sitting at the breakfast nook eating a bowl of oatmeal, and Violet was making a bowl of cereal.
“Want one?” she asked.
I really didn’t want to eat, but I nodded that I would take one anyway. We joined my mother at the table as soon as our bowls were made. You could hear a pin drop in the kitchen as we sat there. My mother looked just as beautiful as she always did, just sad, and for the first time, I could see an inkling of dark circles developing under her eyes. I could only imagine what last night was like for her.
Dante and Emilio came down the stairs about the time we had finished eating. Violet got up, took our dishes, and put them in the sink before she pulled everyone out to-go mugs and filled them with coffee. A few minutes later, we all loaded into the car and headed into the city.
We small talked on the drive there. My mother was asking what we thought about certain things. Did we want roses, carnations, or lilies? She said she had loaded a suit in the back this morning, but she didn’t know what color tie to put with it, saying she brought several along with her.
My head started spinning and I felt like I was going to be sick at any moment. I couldn’t handle this. How was I supposed to make it through this? I placed my elbows on my knees, put my head in my hands, and stuck my finger in my ears. I needed just a moment of silence. I took a couple of deep breaths and I wished I wouldn’t have eaten breakfast this morning.
I could hear the mumbling of everyone voices, and when I felt Violet lightly tap me on the shoulder, I looked up.
“What do you think Lily?” my mother asked.
“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.” I felt bad. I should have been listening.
“Do you think we should play just instrumental, or use the church choir?”
“Either one sounds good to me.” I tried to smile, but I think it came out more of a grimace.
My mother was a planner, and I knew she was just trying to get ahead of all the questions the funeral home personnel was going to ask, but why couldn’t she wait and ask my brothers for their opinion too? I was going to have to go through all of this again when we arrived, and right now I was barely making it through the first round.
“Instrumental I think,” she said mostly to herself.
I was thankful when we pulled up to the funeral home and my brothers were patiently waiting there. Benito opened the door for my mother and helped her out of the car, before taking the lead. Everyone else followed behind, Dante and I at the back.
I wished that Violet had been beside me, but her and Emilio were instructed to stay in the foyer. My mother just wanted it to be the family, although to me, both Emilio and Violet were.
I did okay through the introductions, but as soon as we walked into the room with the caskets, I felt indisposed. My heart started racing and my breath hitched as I tried to breathe. I turned to Dante and wondered if my face mirrored his wide eyes. He calmly moved out of my way as I passed by him and headed straight for the front door we had just come through.
As soon as Violet saw she jumped up, but Emilio grabbed her arm.
I surged through the front doors and bent down for a moment, trying to catch my breath. I was about to spiral into full blown hysteria when a hand landed on my shoulder. I screamed and jumped back, falling over onto the sidewalk.
“It’s just me,” Lucas’s voice rang out. “It’s just me.”
I looked up to see him standing there. He reached down and quickly helped me back to my feet. It was the second day in a row I had landed on my backside.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay,” I huffed out. My heart felt like it’s about to burst through my chest. “I wasn’t expecting anyone to be out here.” I looked up at him. “What are you doing out here anyways?”
“Emilio called me this morning and said you would be here and that you would probably need me,” he said looking at me. “I’m sorry I’m a little late, but I got held up. It seems it’s a good thing I did.”
“I’m glad he called you,” I said as I wrapped my arms around him. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “Why don’t we get out of here for a little bit? I think you need a break from reality.”
“What about them?” I said nodding towards the door.
“They will be fine. You need this break, and I will personally take the blame for you.”
I texted Violet immediately and told her to let everyone know I was okay, and that I would be back later. Then Lucas stuck out his hand for me to take, and the moment I did, I felt relief.
Chapter 24
Lucas ended up taking me to Central Park. It was beautiful. All the colors were vibrant since right now everything was in bloom. It was a warm spring day and the sun felt good on my skin.
When we had first arrived at the park and got out of the car, Lucas had gone around to his trunk. A few moments later, he pulled out a t-shirt, athletic shorts, and my tennis shoes.
“Here,” he said as he handed me everything. “Put these on. We’re going for a run.”
“How did you get these?” I asked bewildered.
“I just had a hunch that you were going to need them today.”
I slightly smiled as I crawled into the backseat of his car and quickly changed. This was exactly what I needed at the moment. Running always made me feel better, more in control, and it allowed me to let go of the stress in my life.
After we ran a couple miles, we started on our cool down, and slowly made our way back to walking. We didn’t talk for a while. He just held my hand, and I was happy about that. I think just being outside helped clear my head.
After a while Lucas spoke up. “Are you doing okay?”
I turned to look at him and then I looked at the ground. “As well as I can be, I guess.”
“Fair enough,” he said, squeezing my hand. He remained quiet for a few more minutes before he began again. “When my parents died, it was really hard on me. I was so young. I didn’t know how to handle it at first—”
I cut him off. I already knew where this was headed. “I don’t need a therapist, Lucas.”
“I’m not playing
therapist. I’m just saying I know how hard it is, and if you need someone to talk to, then I’m here for you.”
“Thank you,” I said as I let go of his hand and went to sit on a bench. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. It’s just I would rather not talk about it right now. I promise if I do need to talk, then I will let you know.”
That statement seemed to satisfy him.
We sat on the park bench for the rest of the afternoon. It was calming to watch the people in the park. No one in that park knew who I was. They didn’t know I was living one of the worst days of my life.
I watched as they played with a frisbee and football. Some were running, and some were riding their bikes. There were a few picnickers, and then there were just couples, like me and Lucas, just out for a nice stroll.
Most people probably wouldn’t have found it so calming as they watched others go on about their daily lives while their lives were falling apart, but something about knowing that life does go on helped in that moment.
As I sat in the park, I didn’t think about how sad I was, how mad I was, or even how I might lose it if someone looked at me the wrong way. I was just focused on being calm and enjoying the moment.
By the late afternoon, Lucas’s phone started going off and he said it was time for us to go. My mother was spending the night with Benito, so everyone was heading back to my house to help get her packed.
I asked Lucas if he was coming and he said he still had more business to attend to in the city and that we were meeting Dante close by to exchange me.
When we pulled up behind Dante’s jeep, Lucas got out and went around to open my door.
“I’ll call you later?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“And in the meantime if you need anything, you’ll call me?” he asked as he leaned in and kissed me with all the passion he had in that moment.
The kiss ended just as fast as it had started. Lucas pulled away and gave me a small smile as he turned and climbed back into his charger. I stood and watched as he left, wishing he could stay with me.