Without looking at the Professor, I can tell that he’s the angriest he has ever been. He is not cross with me yet. The room is full with the spirits of men he has recently killed. I’m afraid as usual that I’ll lose control of the air around him. He yanks off his belt and throws off his shoes. He is too wound up to sleep. I’m going to have to tread carefully, but he’s not in the mood to listen either.
‘How many are dead now, oh wise Molly? Tell me how many are dead because of me?’
‘I have a son,’ I tell him. Children might calm him. ‘I want to visit him. Will you take me in your car?’
He flops onto the bed.
‘A trip. I’d love to see the sea too,’ I’m pretending that he is a normal man and that this is a reasonable thing to ask him.
There’s a bed squeaking next door. This makes him more annoyed. ‘FUCK, you ARE a halfwit! I come in here screaming about the men I’ve killed and you want to take me on the trip to the seaside with your child?’
‘Wouldn’t it be nice?’
‘No.’
‘I do lots for you.’
‘You do?’ His lips clench together. ‘You are a whore, who doesn’t do any whoring!’
‘That’s not my fault.’
I’ve poked the wrong cross dog. The belt in his hand lashes out. It misses me and hits the brass end of the bed. He swipes again with it as I scurry up onto the bed and into the corner. The leather reaches my back with a crack and then another. It stings like fuck. I even use that word.
I hear him say, ‘I’m sorry.’ He isn’t sorry at all.
I’m so tired of people. I turn and point at him. ‘I curse you. I call on the darkness to come for you.’
He slumps to the floor.
‘You don’t deserve my help. Fuck you!’
‘Don’t, Molly. Don’t use those words. It’s not like you.’
‘I call on death for you now – for hurting me.’
He doesn’t speak for a few moments and when he does it’s a whisper, ‘How will it happen? When? Let it be soon.’
‘It will be when you least expect it.’
‘Here?’
I get up off the bed and look down on him where he’s sitting like a little boy on the floor. ‘I won’t let death take you when you are here with me. I’ll keep you safe if you promise to never hurt me again.’
‘Call off the curse?’ he begs.
‘If you promise to help me get my son back.’
‘You have my word.’
His word is not worth much, but it is all that I have.
‘I need a husband and a home.’
‘I can’t marry you. I have a wife.’
‘To get away someone will have to marry me.’
He shrugs. ‘Where is your son?’
‘You’ll help me if I need it?’
‘Yes. But…’
‘You’ll help?’
‘What are you thinking of? You’re a mad woman.’
‘You’ll know when you’ll be able to do something for me.’
‘I will do all that I can, if you lift your curse? Sing to me,’ he says as he hauls himself onto the bed and pulls off his shirt. ‘Make me better.’
I don’t have to sing for long. He nods off and I fall asleep sitting like an idiot on the chair. I don’t hear him leaving until his shoes hit the stairs.
‘All good?’ Peggy asks him when I listen from the landing.
‘Never better, Peggy. Never better.’
‘Good.’
Peggy has been washing the floor, waiting on him. She says, ‘I aim to move premises. Know of anywhere?’
‘Why move, pretty lady?’
‘I aim to get more girls. More quality customers like yourself. I also have a sideline business…’
‘Sideline? You never said.’
‘It’s not worth mentioning. But if I got better premises?’
‘That’s right. You went inside for selling babies.’
‘I didn’t sell them… I helped…’
‘Course you did.’
‘I don’t go near children any more.’
‘What is this sideline business then?’
‘I give women… relief from… being in the family way.’
‘Fuck! You’re a butcher?’
‘’Tis easy for the likes of you to laugh. Some women are desperate.’
‘And you do them a good turn? A handsomely paid one?’
‘There’s hardly any coming these days. With me here and all… I’m not as respectable.’
‘Respectable, eh? You want to go upmarket?’
‘Yes.’
‘You want to get the bastards out of rich bitches?’
‘I used to be a midwife. I know my stuff. I like number 34, but I think I could be better. Make things better for myself and Molly.’
‘Do you now? Molly mightn’t want to go with you.’
‘Molly is my family.’
‘You whore out your family? You’re some doll, eh?’
‘Molly chooses…’
‘Leave it with me. I’ll see what I can do. I might find other ways we could do business. Whore like you with brains and ambition? Who knows what we could do together.’
The angels better tell me their plans soon. I’m starting to panic and I don’t know why. Things might have to get worse before they get better. Why are things never good and easy for long?
37
Tess takes to teasing me that everyone ‘loves me best of all’. I know it used to be true about Peggy being softer on me than the rest. Peggy, though, is less fond of me when I’m a threat to her. Like Violet, when I was weak and helpless, she accepted me. When I started to get a power all of my own, this got in the way. Mammy resented me all her life and Aunt Bredagh too. The only true loves in my life are a dead dog, a man called Dr Brady and small Jane O’Shea.
‘They all love Molly.’
‘Shut up! That Professor doesn’t love me,’ I say to Tess. I can’t eat my porridge.
Tess giggles on.
‘He only loves himself, Molly darlin’…’ Peggy says. She looks terrible. Her nightmares must be bad again.
‘None of them want ta marry.’ I’m trying to work out a plan. A time and a way to get out from under everyone’s control. I need to be free as bird. Soar away, high into the sky, make my way over an ocean. I’ll have to go on the waves and let them help me get far, far away from all of this mess.
‘I’m not married… now,’ Peggy adds.
‘Cause no-one is asking ya.’ I am being cruel. I want to hurt her. I can’t help myself saying again, ‘Cause you’re old and no-one is asking ya.’
Tess really laughs and Peggy flings the dishcloth at her.
‘One man did ask me once. Mick Moran was his name. God bless him. The other fecker wasn’t a choice, I’ll grant you that. But being married isn’t all sunshine, Molly.’
‘I wanta be married,’ I tell her because it’s true. Marriage is what all good women want and need. I’ll need a father for Fionn and the babies I aim to have. It is normal for a woman to need and want a husband. Everyone should have someone to love them. Even me.
‘They’ll not want your Fionn,’ Tess chirps in. ‘Men only want their own children. Like lions, they don’t want another lion’s cubs. And Irish men want virgins.’
‘Like Our Lady?’ I say.
Tess laughs again and looks over at Peggy who says, ‘Irish mothers want good girls for their sons. You’d want a nice quiet girl for Fionn.’
‘I want Fionn for myself.’
‘Exactly.’ Tess shrugs and eats her porridge.
‘If men think we’re bad, why do they want us?’ I poke Peggy to annoy her even more. ‘Why do they tell me Molly is their favourite?’
Tess sighs. ‘They want us. But don’t want us.’
‘The Professor says he needs me.’
‘He needs you for a quick poke, Molly. He doesn’t need you forever. He doesn’t need to marry you,’ Tess says.
‘But… I
’m good…’
‘You are good, darling, yes. It’s them that are bad. Christ, at this hour of the morning it’s all very confusing.’
‘All is bad.’ The mug in my hand gets a clunk onto the table.
‘Yes. All is shit.’ Peggy has her hands in her hair.
‘But you said you’d make it all better?’
Tess sneers. ‘She lied to you. Nothing ever gets better.’
I get up off my chair in one movement. It topples over. Tess is right. Peggy lies to me a lot.
‘I didn’t lie, Tess,’ Peggy starts but I’m out the door. I stand to eavesdrop in the hallway.
‘It’s desperate that we need her. They all want Molly,’ Tess grunts. ‘Professor, the soldier, the sailors. Jasus, if a candlestick maker arrived he’d want her too. The rest of us need a chance. None of them ask for me any more.’
I hear Tess wash her bowl.
‘Did you get any letters recently?’ Peggy asks her.
‘Bitch,’ Tess spits. ‘Don’t you take the post in most mornings off the floor? You know they don’t want to know about me.’
‘Jesus. Sorry for asking.’
‘Sorry. Just I heard ya say to the Professor you’re thinking of moving.’
‘Course I’d take you, Tess,’ Peggy lies. ‘Sure, you are like the furniture.’
‘Are you taking the old furniture? There’s nothing much in this place.’
I wonder if Peggy had no use for me, would she bother to take me with her? It is then that my shadows remind me that I might not want to go with her. How will I escape? I wish they’d tell me. I’m getting tired of waiting.
38
‘They’re fighting,’ one of the girls shouts. ‘Fuck’s sake. Drunk they are. Do something, Peggy.’
A male voice shouts, ‘She’s got a gun.’
‘If you don’t shut up, I’ll use it,’ Peggy shouts, her blonde hair sticking out in all directions. She looks funny. ‘There’s to be no men here overnight. Shut the fuck up, or get out.’
I had been enjoying a bath, until Tess started telling tales on me. ‘She was in the tub again, Peggy. Getting her boyo to carry up buckets of our hot water – them sitting on the warm plates on the range for the morning.’
Tommy is standing with a bucket and him in his jocks, looking like he’s been caught stealing the sweets from daddy’s tin on the mantlepiece.
‘Get back to your beds the lot of ye,’ Peggy hollers and cocks the rifle higher. ‘There should be no men here at this time of night.’
I tug on Tommy’s arm and we go back into my room.
‘It isn’t even loaded,’ some fella says.
Peggy screams, and fires the gun. The noise rings in my ears and I find a feather sitting on the floor in my room. The angels tell me this is the start of things. The bullet lodged in the wall will start the events that will take me away and get me better days again.
In the morning, there’s a garda, a man of the law, in number 34, asking about the shot and the rifle. Peggy is on edge. She’s lying about where she got the rifle and there is talk of the Professor and my ears open wide.
‘Professor bothering ya at all?’ the sergeant asks.
‘Who?’
‘Arrah now, Peggy.’
‘No. He’s good to number 34.’
‘Is he now?’
‘Would you be jealous, sergeant?’
‘Course not.’ He pulls at his jacket and makes the buttons all stand in a neater row.
‘If you could tell me anything, the law would be grateful.’
‘I may be many things… but a snitch is not one of them. Now, I’ve work to be doing.’
‘’Tis me who should be cross, Peggy. Me, who helps keep things all quiet at the station for number 34. Don’t be dragging attention here again, now. Do you hear me?’
Tess starts on at Peggy when the sergeant leaves, teasing her about him ‘having a soft spot her’.
The day goes on and I take a trip to the chapel and the canal. When I come back, Tess is all delighted to tell me, ‘Tommy was here. All wet. The Professor threw him in the canal and told him to stay away from you.’
My mind and heart is in a spin. If Tommy stops calling, I’ll have no-one to help me get away. I’ll definitely have no-one to marry me. What if Tommy stops coming and won’t rescue me like I hope he will?
39
‘This Tommy fella. What’s so special about him?’ Peggy is asking. ‘When we got out of “The Joy” he helped pull you out of the dark place you were in. He is soft, I suppose, and handsome, but is there more between you?’
‘He makes me tingle.’
‘Tingle?’
We are peeling spuds for the midday meal.
‘He wants to marry me.’
I’m not lying as such. Tommy did ask me in a fit of sin one night. I hadn’t answered him but Peggy doesn’t need to know that. Peggy is worried. Like Aunt Bredagh, I’m part of her income and the Professor wants me here in number 34.
‘Has he means to keep you? Does he work?’ she asks.
I’m being cruel to her. I want her to worry.
‘Did you meet his friends or family yet?’ Her head bows low trying to get my attention at the sink. ‘And Fionn? Does he want him?’
‘Course.’
I never lie. I hate it more than anything. I’ve never once mentioned Fionn to Tommy. The angels told me not to bother. It hurts my stomach to think he wouldn’t love me any more if he knew about my child. Tommy does love me, I know he does, but he’d care too much about the ‘look’ of things. He has an idea, too, about my healing as I rub his sore muscles some evenings. I told him a little about being able to see people’s air. He thinks I’m touched, of course, and wants to protect me. He is a sweet fellow and no more than myself, he’s controlled by his terrible parents.
‘The Professor likes you,’ Peggy says at me. What does she want me to do with him? I don’t understand her. If she cares about me at all, why is she forcing me to be with him.
‘He’ll not marry me,’ I tell her. He can’t be my escape to happy days and love. He might be her way of getting out of here but he’s not mine.
‘He likes you and he’s a dangerous man to make angry.’
I take the knives and forks from the drawer and the plates down from the dresser. Does she care about anyone other than herself? I want to stick a fork in her eye.
‘Did you tell the Professor about this young fella?’
What does she take me for? A complete fool? Of course she does. Molly the halfwit, that’s me.
‘The Professor is jealous,’ she says, taking me by the hand. ‘Men get angry when they’re jealous. People say he does terrible things to those who make him angry.’
I can’t let her touch me. I pull my hand away and want her to know exactly what she’s leaving me with. I unbutton my blouse and turn around.
‘Did the Professor do this? Did he do this?’
She is blind like Daddy was. She doesn’t want to see what’s before her.
‘What happened? What happened, darlin’?’
‘He doesn’t love me and did this.’
‘Did you ask him about love? But you don’t love him?’
‘I might if he’d marry me and help me.’
‘You won’t ask him again?’
‘No.’
‘Good girl. You’ve got me. I’ll always look after you.’
‘You said you’d make things better.’
‘But it takes time. Time to make enough to move us out of here. Molly, you cannot fall out of favour with the Professor or we’re stuck and in trouble too.’
This all sounds far too familiar. My memories come flooding back. Daddy telling me to be good to him and Vincent. Mammy jealous of me and hating me for making her look bad, Daddy thumping me, Aunt Bredagh screaming, Vincent naked, Violet cross with me. I sing a bit to take me away. I need to get to the ocean.
‘He is a powerful man,’ Peggy says. ‘If anyone can get us out of here to something
better, it’s the Professor. And you can make it happen.’
‘He’ll not marry me,’ I tell her again.
‘No. But he likes you. He got angry, that’s all. He’ll want you in a nicer place. Just leave the asking to me.’
‘Fionn too. He’ll let me get him too.’
‘Yes.’
She is lying to me.
‘Tess?’ I ask knowing if we get out of here, she has no notion of keeping Tess around for long.
‘And Tess. Of course I’d take Tess too. But let me do the talking. You don’t want the Professor to hit you again. He was bad to hit you,’ she whispers. ‘It was wrong.’
‘I won’t see him again? You make it all better?’ I need her to say she will look after me, protect me, care for me like she’s promised. But no.
‘If we’re to get him to take us somewhere nice then you need to keep him sweet on you. And you need to get rid of that young fella, too, that keeps calling.’
Peggy has let me down yet again. ‘No.’
‘Okay, Molly… but the Professor might get rid of him if you don’t.’
The Professor better not touch my Tommy. I couldn’t bear it.
‘Let me do the thinking and the talking,’ Peggy says.
She reminds me of Aunt Bredagh. And I’ve always wanted to kill Aunt Bredagh!
40
Tess is plaiting my hair. I don’t really want her hands in my hair but she insisted. She’s trying to be friendly because if we leave number 34, she will need a home with us.
‘I hate what we do,’ Tess says.
‘I like doing it,’ I admit. I never did think I’d like a man humping me, but I thrive on controlling them. I grow stronger with them panting and begging, and throwing money on the bed. It’s not that bad at all but I do feel sorry for Tess if she doesn’t want to do it.
The Healer Page 13