Dr Brady is lost in emotion, his lip trembling. His hand searches for mine to hold. He perches on the bed and mumbles, ‘Vincent’s child?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sweet Christ, Molly darlin’ girl…’ He’ll rub my skin away with his thumbs if he doesn’t stop. ‘They never said. Lord love ya, child. We didn’t visit as we were told it wouldn’t be possible. Did you give birth in prison?’
‘No. He was born in number 34 Mountjoy Square. He is a fine boy and is in Cavan.’
‘Why must you get a ship? What’s all this about?’ He looks at the bandages. ‘We let this happen to you. We should…’
‘Take me away now, please?’
‘You’re right. Let’s get you home.’
44
Violet Cottage is just as I remember it. Jude’s room has a long train set and many more books in it. They’ve plumbed an inside bath, sink and toilet, but the house still smells the same. It is musty with a hint of Violet’s perfume, smoke and baking. My Jane O’Shea almost squeezes me to death. She sobs and squeezes, then sobs some more.
‘Talk is that things were bad for you?’ she mumbles. ‘We tried to find you. I promise we did.’
‘Dr Brady has called a man he trained with in Cavan and we’re going there soon,’ Violet says over the tea she’s pouring. ‘He knows of the address you gave us, Molly.’
‘It wasn’t spelled right.’
‘It was good enough.’
‘Peggy wrote it for me. I watched it over and over and still it wasn’t right, but I know how to get there.’
‘This woman, Peggy?’ Jane starts.
‘Took care of me, as best she could.’
They look at each other. I wonder what they know. How badly will they think of me if they know all that I had to do?
‘There’s plenty of talk about the place you were in. It’s filtered all the way here. Father Sorely knows the priests in Dublin. They’re saying that this Peggy Bowden is the one who sold babies to America and…’
‘That’s her. She’s from Sligo, but I don’t know from where.’
‘I do,’ Jane says. ‘She’s from out near Mayo. Her husband died and she took off to Dublin to be a midwife.’
‘That’s right.’
I don’t like them thinking badly of Peggy. It hasn’t been easy to think nice thoughts about her myself but still, I should ‘stick up for her’ but in doing that I might also make things worse. I’m never good with words.
Violet makes a noise in her throat.
‘Was it a whore-house?’ Jane asks me outright. She has always loved gossip and wants to know what it was like. She is waiting on me to fill her in.
‘It was a whore-house. Yes.’
‘That’s terrible!’ Violet begins and stops herself. ‘After all you went through. You didn’t have to – please tell me you didn’t…’
‘I was well-treated… mostly, I was grand.’
Jane cries. Violet starts on about the sins of the flesh and how I’ll need to be blessed, churched and confessed to please Father Sorely. ‘The things you must have seen, the horrors. I can’t imagine the suffering. Oh Molly. I am so sorry.’
‘I hurt someone,’ I tell them.
Both stop their sobbing and wittering on.
‘I cut him like I cut Vincent. I was angry.’
‘Oh no!’ Jane starts crying again.
‘He’ll probably tell his mother and she’ll make me pay.’
‘Prison again? No?’ Violet shrieks. ‘You can’t go back there.’
Jane clutches her hanky to her mouth to stop her making a total fool of herself.
‘I was safe in prison.’
Violet paces the floor now and leans with her fingers splayed across Jane’s shoulder. They have become closer and rely on one another now. ‘There is talk of women going missing from number 34. What else are you running from? The hospital took a lot of convincing to let you out. The worry we have for you is worsening. Lord save us, Molly, what are we to do?’
‘I just need to get away from it all. I will to go for the boat as soon as I can.’
‘Run away?’
‘They won’t believe me. No matter what I say.’
Both women know that I’m speaking the truth. Women like me have no power. I’ve fallen even further in the eyes of everyone. Violet and Jane don’t want to think of what I may have had to do to survive in such a place.
‘It wasn’t that bad in number 34,’ I tell their minds. ‘The walls looked after me. Peggy did her best with what she was given.’
‘You never complain. Never get angry with us.’
‘I got angry with Tommy. I was so mad. I needed to get away and have Fionn. I didn’t know how I would do it. Poor Tommy.’
‘The man you hurt?’
‘He made excuses about not helping me.’
‘We all did that,’ Violet admits.
‘I had to help myself.’ I lift my bandaged arms. ‘I used my gifts to help me.’
‘What will this Peggy woman do now?’ Jane asks.
‘She will probably tell them that I’m to blame and try to run like I did.’
Jane puts down her china cup with a clink into the saucer. ‘She wouldn’t?’
Violet is back walking the tiled floor.
‘Dr Brady will know what to say,’ Jane says. ‘This Tommy might not do anything.’
‘There’s a woman missing. Went there to be “seen to” as she was in the family way. What do you know of her, Molly?’ Violet asks.
‘I know nothing. Peggy came to talk to me in the bath about needing help with something, but I was away with the fairies.’
‘Help with what?’
‘I don’t know. There were bad men starting to come about number 34.’
‘I bet there was.’ Jane fills up the cups. ‘And women, too, no doubt. They can’t blame you for anything when you think of the dirty divils that were bound to be there and doing all sorts.’
‘Thinking of a dirty divil. Is Bredagh in Sligo?’ I ask. ‘She’s not going to hear that I’m home?’
‘She was in Dublin, that’s the last we heard about her. Your father’s much the same but has lost his job. Bredagh’s boys are all doing well for themselves, fair play to them. All got good trades and are hard workers. They don’t seem to have much to do with her either. No word at all about what’s what with her.’
‘When can we go to Cavan?’
‘Soon as Richard finishes work and he’ll drive.’
‘A son?’ Jane smiles. ‘You brave girl.’
‘Fionn. Fionn McCarthy.’
‘I don’t like that surname now, Jane,’ I say. ‘I need a new one for my new life.’
‘Fionn Brady?’ Violet suggests and her eyes brim up. ‘You should be a Brady.’
‘Molly Brady,’ I say it aloud. ‘Molly and Fionn Brady.’
It never occurred to me that I should be a Brady – not ever. Now that it’s said, it brings a peace with it. Dr Brady bustles in ‘What have I missed? I’ve told them that I’m all finished up for today. Some have only come in for nosiness anyhow. Can Jude stay with you, Jane, while we go to Cavan?’
Violet starts to tell him my long tale of woe. I smile at Jane and sip my tea. Here in Violet Cottage, I finally have a family. I am home. Yet I know in my heart that it will not be my home for long. Life is not good or fair sometimes.
45
Once we get to Cavan town, I know how to tell Dr Brady each turn and twist in the road. The laneway to the farm has cattle on it and my patience is thin when we reach the door. A toddler appears with blonde curls and a crust of bread in his fist. He’s filthy but smiles at us as we get out of the car. He’s all I see but he hides behind the skirt tails talking to Dr Brady and Violet. They’re doing the niceties that I should be at. Then the little hand comes out to meet mine and he’s back in my arms and has his little nose pushed unto mine.
‘Would you look at that?’ the big woman says. Her breasts heaving in agony at Fionn coming to me.
‘I knew it wouldn’t be long until we’d see you.’
‘I’ve to take him now.’
‘That was the deal.’ Her apron’s getting twisted in her hands and Fionn’s messy hands are in my hair. ‘I’ll be fine with it once I know that he’s safe.’
She talks at the doctor. ‘I’m glad he’ll be living with you nice people.’ He gives her an envelope of money and shakes her hand over and over. Violet nods and looks around as the woman says, ‘He’s the best child. Not a bother on him. He gets dirty every day but sure that’s what boys should do. I’ll miss him.’
‘There’ll be more people who come. You know nothing of where he is.’ My voice is harsh again at her. I do want to hug her tightly and thank her with every ounce of love I have but I have no time for all of that. Instead I go on like Peggy would, ‘He’s to be safe from bad people now. Please don’t say where he is.’
‘As long as you let me know in time what’s what with him. I’ve grown so… fond…’ Her voice breaks. ‘I’ve toys and clothes you must take…’ She goes inside. I can’t go with her. I want gone but Violet’s nose gets the better of her and she goes in after her to ‘help’.
It takes forever for them to come out and I’m in the back seat with Fionn who hasn’t taken his eyes off me, or his bread and hands out of my hair. The woman asks for him and I hold him out of the car towards her but pull him back quickly. She might refuse to let me have him. I’m cruel but I can’t risk her holding on to him and not letting go. My Fionn doesn’t seem to mind when he gets driven away with strangers. He sits on the seat and looks up at me and I promise him, ‘You’ll have a home now and be safe. I’m your mammy.’
‘She was the nicest woman. He’s been a lucky boy.’ Violet’s back is to me. ‘She was crying, didn’t you notice?’
‘I couldn’t.’
‘We’ll have to let her know how he is. She wanted us to wait until her husband was in from the fields. It was harsh of us to leave her like that. It wasn’t fair.’
‘Life is not fair.’ Dr Brady says what I’m thinking. ‘Look how Fionn came to Molly and didn’t even cry. He’s not distressed. He knows his own mother and that woman back there was handsomely paid for looking after him.’
‘It’s not all about money,’ Violet says. ‘I’ll pray for her and write to her often. Imagine if we lost Jude?’
There’s a knot in my stomach. They won’t want Jude to leave them. I should have thought of this. I have seen in my dreams that we would all be on the boat together. The Bradys and even Jane are on a large boat, with our hairs blowing in the wind and us standing waving at an empty shore. It’s not like me to see things that aren’t right. Yes, we are waving goodbye to our old lives and welcoming in the new. Jane has a new hat, Violet has Jude by her side and I’ve Fionn in my arms.
‘I need to get us away. The urges are strong,’ I tell them.
‘But go where, Molly?’ Dr Brady asks. ‘Why can’t you stay in Violet Cottage? I know the gossip about Fionn will be hard, but we’ll manage for a bit.’
‘I have to go.’
‘Go where?’ he asks. ‘Where can a lone mother go with a child?’
‘I can’t heal in Sligo. I can’t make life bad for you again. I need to go.’
There is not much talk, as Fionn starts to cry. He nestles into my neck where he used to lie and I hum to him. He sleeps and no-one wants to wake him or talk about us leaving.
46
Jude is at a friend’s house but will run home soon. Jane is like a cat with kittens. She doesn’t know who to get settled in first. Fionn cries when we take him out of the bath and Jane soothes his tears as she dries him. I like to have the past washed off him, and if I’m truthful I’m glad the kisses of another mother are gone too. Violet is all chat about the woman who minded him and how she must be heart-sore. I can’t answer her, as I can’t let that guilt in. I simply can’t take on more sorrow.
Jane says, ‘I’m away home,’ and she waves back to us, all the way to the gate. Dinner is a lovely roast, usually served on Sundays at midday but we’re all hungry. Fionn lies across my lap and plays with a toy wooden tractor.
‘The child is nothing like his father. He’s so like Jude,’ Violet mutters. My fork cracks off my plate as I flap it down with annoyance.
Dr Brady grits his teeth at me and smiles. He would never give out to her.
‘Do you ever cry, Molly?’ Violet asks me. ‘You only cried the night you came here and the time… Vincent…’
‘DON’T!’
I shock Fionn. He holds his hands over his ears like I do.
‘Don’t mention that beast again.’
Violet continues eating. My shout didn’t bother her much. ‘I just want to know what goes on in your head?’
‘I’m not a halfwit.’
Dr Brady’s mouth is full and he tries to come between us with some words.
‘I know that!’ Violet says quickly. ‘I just mean your son is home and you are safe and you barely flinch.’
‘What can I do other than say thank you? I said it twice.’
Violet doesn’t look like she remembers it.
‘I’m grateful to you both,’ I say.
‘I don’t want you to feel obliged in any way,’ Violet says amid mouthfuls and slurps at her milk. ‘Richard and I have talked about this. We want to keep Fionn here, even if you cannot stay. We are getting on in years, but with Jane we’ll manage. Jude will love him and be a great help.’
Dr Brady’s eyes won’t meet mine. His air is on fire with worry. I can tell that Violet does mean well. She’s trying to find a way of me bettering my reputation if that’s at all possible.
‘Wherever you go, you won’t need to be known as a… well, you don’t want Fionn to be a…’
‘Bastard?’ I ask her.
‘Molly, don’t use those words.’
‘That’s what you mean?’
‘Yes. But not in front of the child.’
‘He’s almost sleeping now.’ Fionn is like a rag doll across my lap, breathing peacefully, his tractor in his fist resting on the dining chair next to us.
‘No matter where you go there will be questions, about you being alone, with a child.’
‘I’ll say that his father was an animal and forced me–’
‘Dear God, I hope that child is asleep.’
‘Fionn will never leave me again. Ever.’ I start to eat and the conversation stops until the clock in the hall starts to chime that it’s seven.
‘Eating at this hour of the night will give us heartburn,’ Dr Brady says. ‘It was worth all those miles to see your son.’
‘Thank you for Dublin and for today.’
He nods at me as Violet starts to stack the plates and take her temper out on them. When she’s out of the room and on the way to the kitchen I go to move.
‘Don’t disturb his sleep.’
‘I must help her. She’ll get crosser.’
‘Violet is only thinking of a solution. But, if the guards were to call and ask questions, we might have some bother explaining where he came from. I’ll say to her that all that will take too much time to sort things. That you need to go soon and will have to take him with you.’
‘I do need to take him with me.’
‘Were things that bad in Dublin?’
‘I don’t need people to find me. I need to go somewhere where I can figure this out.’
‘Scotland or England?’ Dr Brady suggests. ‘It’s across the sea, but not too far? The men go over and back to the potato picking and the building work. There’s many a hard worker around here who could help us find you a place.’
There is a light in my soul at that suggestion.
‘We’ll get you a worn wedding ring that fits and with a new name, Molly Brady, a good few pounds in your purse, and a place to live, you’ll be fine. I’ve contacts over there and there’ll be no need to work for a while at least. We could visit?’
He’s making my head sore with the plans. I rub my templ
e and a tear drops when I lean forward. Another comes and another as I see a feather at my feet. ‘Thank you. The angels are happy too.’
47
‘No church or law-man needs to know anything at all.’ Jane is lecturing Violet in the kitchen. ‘No-one needs to tell them a thing.’
Jude never left my side all night and even when I had to put Fionn to bed in the little bed set up in his room, he came, too, and insisted I sleep in his bed and he’d sleep on the floor. He is tall now as I look at him in the long breeches he wears. He’s complaining about having to go to school, which I’m told is unusual but he wants to be with us. I wonder, has anyone told him we won’t be here long.
‘Don’t be gossiping about me being here when you’re at school.’ I fix his collar and pull his jacket on him. ‘I don’t want people knowing that I’m here.’
‘Why? Is it cause you have a baby?’
‘Yes.’ I can’t lie to him like everyone else does. ‘I don’t want my father to know anything.’
‘Right. But you’ll be here when I get back?’
‘But we go tomorrow. I’m getting a lift in a truck taking men back to London.’
‘You gonna build the roads too?’ He shows me his teeth with the laughing he’s doing. ‘Why can’t you stay?’
‘I can do my healing over there. You’ll come visit.’
His arms circle my waist and he hugs me tight into his cheek and then is gone like lightning out the door and down the lane. ‘He’s a great runner.’
‘He’s the best son a woman could ask for,’ Violet says. ‘We’re blessed.’
‘He has always been blessed.’
Fionn is hungry and Jane spoon-feeds him. Although both Fionn and I want to do it, I know she’s enjoying it.
‘We wanted to have you here full-time as a child too, Molly. We did,’ Violet says.
‘It’s fine now.’
‘What’s past is done,’ Jane says, trying to ease the tension. ‘Dr Brady’s writing that letter of introduction to someone he knows in Cricklewood. I know a lady who runs a shop over there. She used to anyhow. Half of Ireland lives in London.’
The Healer Page 15