The place, I imagined, would not be as beautiful or inviting because a wedding within a prison should not be anyone’s dream. I was notified by my attorney, or so to say Roy's lawyer, that I could bring the food and drinks and also some guests for the ceremony. In fact, if I had not known that it was a prison, I would not be so disappointed because I realized that the place was not so bad.
I bought not only my dress, but Roy’s suit as well. He was already handsome, but I made sure to take care of everything personally. I had been notified that we could not get out of the ceremony and go directly to the honeymoon, because we would have to wait for a hearing with the judge so that Roy could then leave the prison. This hearing had no date and I hoped it was not too late or too early, only on an appropriate day so that when Roy got out of there, he wanted me to be a part of his new life.
To think of it, I was again taken by a despair that was already part of my life, but at the same time shaking me every time that it knocked on my door; the fear of rejection. While Roy was rejected by the country through a fragmented system, I had a great chance to have my plot foiled and be rejected by him. Although I had always felt rejected during my life, whenever I thought of a new rejection, pain welled up inside of me.
The rejection wakes the ghosts that lurked within me, giving them permission to play with me and bring to my memory all the events that I tried to delete from within myself. These ghosts seemed to make a deal with each other and do everything to torment me with bad memories, and always left me totally unstable, feeling like the lonely and rebellious child that one day went and did everything in order to receive some attention.
I discovered that one of my biggest problems was the fact that instead of killing my ghosts and figuring out a way to stop them, I simply ran away from them, escaped and left them a half-open door, through which they, from time to time, could access. When they returned, they brought with them tools that were able to end my structure. And they left me with a feeling of helplessness that could almost suck the certainty of a better future out of me. And wouldn’t that certainly be merely a defense mechanism that I used to deal with my present, escaping from my past and projecting a future that, according to my expectations could improve?
I've waited so long for this improvement, I realized that the future has become the present and the present, the past several times, and yet it seemed that nothing has changed, not even the emptiness inside me, nor the hope of a happy life. I felt like those illegal immigrants who found that when they get the green card everything will change, but then they eventually realize that they are still just immigrants, but now with some rights that are just excuses to add obligations. It sounded funny, but once you are legalized here in the US it seemed that the salary decreases. It was as if the role gave you the ephemeral feeling that you belonged somewhere, that soon you end up realizing that you not only did not belong in the United States, but also felt a stranger in your native land in the country of origin and ended up losing your identity and building another, where you do not even know what your emotional citizenship was.
As an immigrant, I got lost in the time of emotions, problems, frustrations, delusion and let forth a will to win against circumstances that ended up confronting me from time to time.
When my ghosts decided to wage a war inside my mind, only my hope can, if not beat them, at least wage a battle against them.
I have lost my migratory identity. I did not even know where I adapt better, but as my emotional identity, or was I just a romantic who still believed in utopia?
Was it because I allowed my soul to sink into a sadness so great that I did not let myself leave? Maybe I'll be marrying Roy simply to try to build a happiness that I never achieved before?
What can I do to win the heart of Roy? He did not promise me anything. He did not declare himself to me, but the fact of having received an indecent proposal from his mother, told me that something else could happen between us, more than just a marriage of convenience, in which we would try to cheat the immigration system. How will we revenge this country and feel smarter than the immigration agents?
Amid this game of questions and answers, I continued planning an imaginary future in which the protagonists in my view would have a happy ending. But would there be greater misfortune than that of which I carry at the moment? I concluded that worse than to suffer for love is to carry a void inside, without knowing how it will be filled. When we suffer, you suffer for something or someone. It even appeared as if suffering gave reasons to live. You think you can at least overcome it, but when it's just empty, it appeared as if life was meaningless and the only thing you have left is to crave the end of it, not to get rid of suffering, but the void.
But finally, it looked like I have rediscovered a reason to live: to plan a future with Roy and get him out of prison. Like a bride waiting for the groom to come back from the war, I hoped Roy gets out of prison and comes to me. I want him to realize that he acted wrongly during our adolescence age, but now he can fix a past mistake and do things in a different way.
It is true that man is the product of the environment. Roy was no longer with his childhood friends. Was he still influenced by them? And what if in Roy's mind his naughty little friends of adolescence continued to live? I think not. He was in a strange land, he was considered part of a minority, and his view of others, of me and himself must surely have changed.
I knew Roy cannot wait to get out of that place. I knew he and his attractive looks did not fit in there, but who knows by Divine Providence, God himself allowed him to end up there, so he could realize my existence? Are these thoughts I've been having unfounded or are they dreams of the teenager who was still alive within me?
I've heard that time heals all wounds, I think that's why I hoped that this would cure me, but time has passed and the wounds were deeper still, and today seemed to hurt even more than before. These wounds were even opened when people asked me naively and politely how I was. To hear someone ask me if everything was okay with me, I answered lied so, but simultaneously analyzing my heart, I realized that things were still bad.
The fact that Roy was arrested by immigration, has brought me a certain revolt against the immigration system of the United States. At this point, I would like to make a proposal to change immigration to the country, but I confess that I was audacious, for how could I, who could never quite manage my feelings, propose any change in an area that was not of my life?
Is that why we suffered so much with the rulers, as we elected people that could not manage their emotions, making bad decisions that ended up harming an entire nation? I have observed across the country people fighting for immigration reform, saying all the time that illegal immigrants such as Roy, deserved amnesty and should be given the right to have the immigration document. But if not for the fact of this immigration problem, would I once again have been placed side-by-side with Roy?
3
In two weeks it will be our wedding. I was super excited and confident that a marriage certificate will change not only Roy's life, but also mine. I cannot stop fantasizing how my reunion with him will be. Because I think I forgot to mention, I had not seen him for more than a decade. That my feelings for him, was all along stuffy, repressed, but as I was never tired of looking for happiness, despite the sadness I carried within me, I think now with the rebirth of my love for Roy also comes a chance of achieving happiness that I so longed for. I have made a few phone calls and told some people in a two-week span that I will officially become Mrs. Roy, but made sure to warn them that it was only circumstantial. What I did not mention to anyone and hid inside my emptiness was that deep down, I thought me and Roy would end up together, happily ever after. People know that it is common among immigrants, to marry in order to assist in some official capacity. What they do not know, is that there are people like me, who think as a habit, an opportunity for happiness. And what will be with this type of happiness?
Where is it right now that it is not within me? It appear
ed that for a long time I have experienced many places and people, and they were always detaching from me, as if around me, there was a sign saying DO NOT STOP. True happiness decided not to stop near me. All that fate could offer me, was that it appeared to exclude me from happiness and instead of it, chose to present me with a lot of emptiness and loneliness.
But this void will soon be filled. I could reach my goals. I grew. I'm an adult and now among the goals of achievement, added to my list, in capital letters, was the name of Roy.
Finally the day I had desired for so long has arrived, my wedding day, but also the day of my reunion with Roy. So much time has gone by that I did not know if he has changed, because ten years in my mind, felt like it was only yesterday and today, everything could be different. For the same girl he despised in preadolescence, now came to meet him, and dressed as a bride, bringing him a letter of freedom. I met with Nancy at the hotel. She of course was glad to see me, for I would be giving her son the opportunity to get out of prison and stay in the United States.
Everything was already scheduled, the hairdresser, makeup, etc. I as Roy’s bride, wanted to be beautiful for him because I hoped to win him at the moment of yes. My producer, made me the way I always dreamed of: beautiful on my wedding day.
I did not take a limousine as I did not think it made sense to go to a prison in a limousine. I went to prison, which was the location of my wedding. Where I could be acquiring the right to be a wife of my great love. When we got there, Roy was ready and everything was ready for our ceremony. It did not look like a prison, I think that was why I associated the rustic walls with a castle and once again I became a princess, after all, in the end, Cinderella ended up with the prince.
Words would not be able to describe my excitement to see Roy again after so long. I had to hold back tears because although I wanted to impress the people present, I would not want Roy to find out that I was hopeful of him.
Roy was handsome. Time had only caused him to become even more handsome and attractive. My heart was pounding and I was trying to live completely in that moment, lying to myself that it was true and that one day I would tell my story with a happy ending. We went to the person who would officiate out our wedding. Roy took my hand and told me:
“You look beautiful, Sophia.” And I believed it. For the first time in my life, Roy complimented me and revived in me the hope of us being together.
The officer wedded us. We both said YES. That moment could not leave my memory, when the officer finished the ceremony and said, “Now, the groom may kiss the bride.” Roy gave me a soap opera kiss. At the time, I thought he'd never kissed anyone like that, with such intensity. Yes, it was true, I was now earning the kiss I had so longed for in my teens. Again, I lied to myself, saying to my emotions that he felt something for me. I really deceived myself with the kiss and ended up forgetting that he had just been for the pictures, to make our wedding album and convince immigration that both our marriage, as well as our love was true. I thought they would believe it, for even I who was a key part of that plan, came to believe that this marriage could be true.
To Roy, the value of this marriage was fifteen thousand US dollars. A value almost stipulated here in America when someone married for papers. For me, the value of this marriage was a transformation that I thought would happen within my emotions when I conquered him.
I was privileged to spend the rest of the day inside the prison with Roy. We talked about various subjects. We reminisced about the people who studied with us, parties, teachers, tests, competitions and other things, but my passion nurtured by him in my teens appeared to be a taboo, a subject that could not be mentioned, but that was what mostly occupied my mind at that moment.
With a heavy heart, and as it darkened, I had to say goodbye to him and again got a kiss which only served to mislead the immigration officials as much as my heart. I left there with Nancy, full of hope, which further increased when Nancy told me out of nowhere:
“How I wish you and Roy would truly get together.” I laughed and inside me, I thought, everything was conspiring to my advantage.
I denied within myself that I was playing with fire and could end up burning myself. Inside my mind, I began to plan all my future next to Roy. The possibility that he does not stay with me, in my imagination was almost nonexistent. Yes, it existed in reality, but not in my mind, my imagination, where I wrote the chapters of my life and when modified in a while to make them more interesting and adapt them to the circumstances.
Now I was a true married woman who waited anxiously for her husband to get out of prison and to join me.
A few days later, I received the lawyer's phone call saying that Roy’s hearing with the judge had been scheduled for December 18. I immediately thought that this date would not be coincidence but life offering me a Christmas present.
Everything was already arranged. I would spend a month in Florida and live in the same house as Roy, to convince immigration officials that we were together. This meant that he was released from prison on the 18th, and that we would spend the Christmas together. What could be a better present?
I could not wait for the 18th, the date that now meant that I will see my husband Roy again. Deep down I wanted to go back to my teens with him, now married and show everyone that we were together, but when I thought about it, the reality tried to wake me from my dream, as if not allowing me to remain in my illusion, telling myself that everything was just made believe. In those moments, I saw reality as my enemy, who hated me so much that I was not allowed to even dream. To be with Roy for me was not meant to only achieve a desire I had as a teenager, but it seemed to have extended to the point that I began to find it as the solution to my problems. I believed that when Roy would fall in love with me, my whole life would be different. The fact of thinking about winning Roy’s heart, seemed to remove from me that void that was replaced by depression and fear of everything going wrong. I confess that while I waited for the hearing, the only thing that occupied my thoughts was the hope of being able to stay with Roy.
Is it possible that the solution to my life, would be the feat of completing an almost impossible task, which was to win Roy’s heart for love and with the expectation that along with his love, which I did not yet have, he might fill the void in my heart?
I was once again entering a trap set by my own mind, imprisoning me to a feeling created by myself, that not only could end up destroying me but also disillusioning me?
And the fact that I have not revealed my plan of conquest to Roy, was already a dishonesty of my mind that not only planned but also made me bluff. Was I being fair to Roy or deceiving myself, as I attracted him to my dreams without communicating to him that today the desire of my heart was that he became mine?
Was the love of my heart just an escape from myself? Another scam my mind directed to my emotions, deceiving me, trying to convince me that a corresponding passion could change my life, filling my void with happiness granted by the love of a man? Would I be rationalizing?
To what extend would it be normal to let my imagination fly and the illusion take control of me, not realizing that at any moment, reality could show me that fairy tales exists only in fiction? Was I the only person in the world who would rather create a magical world trying to live reality? Why does life have to be so cruel to me as to give me not only pain, but also to my doubts, the uncertainty of the future? Is there something missing in my life besides Roy? Could he really be the solution to my life and fill the void of my heart? Had I been created to suffer, to cry and at the end of life have a desperate diary of a bitter person, who had no chance to change fate or rebuild the future, unable to change the past?
4
The moment that seemed to be like an eternity finally arrived. That was the second time I would be seeing Roy and he would appear before the judge, and will be asked asking to remain in the country, for the mere fact of being in love with me and that he could not go back to Brazil and be away from me. I knew none of thi
s was true, but this lie was good enough for my heart, and my hope was overjoyed.
Our future was in the hands of the judge who had the authority to decide if Roy could stay here or would have to return to Brazil. Therefore, the judge also had the right to decide my future and my happiness. Would it be fair for my happiness to be found in the hands of a person who did not know me, and that could decide my future? All these simply because Roy was actually not born here and when he spoke it seemed to bring a stain through the accent, revealing the fact that he was not from here.
How many lives has this judge sentenced to unhappiness, making decisions for them that not only influenced that momentary situation, but that could also bring side effects that could last a lifetime?
Roy’s cause had become my cause. His fate would impact mine. What the rulers of that country decide on the migratory life not only impacts the lives of immigrants but also people like me, who in one way or another are involved with an illegal immigrant and feared that they may be deported at any time.
I was lost in my thoughts, trying to express a calm that I did not have. Roy thought I was like this simply because I was trying to get around immigration,but he did not know that for me, our marriage was real. While I awaited the judge's decision and wondered how my life would be if Roy were deported, the judge slammed his gavel and gave Roy the right to remain in this country and apply for his green card. For Roy, the American dream had not reached the end. For me, I gained more time to evade my imagination and added chapters to my love story with Roy.
We left there, all happy, especially Nancy, who would no longer have to worry about her son inside a prison. Roy was radiant because he had regained freedom. As for me, after I entered the car, I became thoughtful. Roy would not have to pretend anymore that he was with me. We were no longer being observed by immigration officials and he in turn treated me very well, but without love, without passion and it made me feel rejected and neglected.
When I Wake Up Page 2