Who'll Kill Agnes?

by Lea Chan

  A slight guffaw from Lester momentarily interrupted the attorney who gave him an annoyed glance.

  Mr. Parkins continued, “Mrs. Henley employed me a few years ago to make out her will. Now before I get to the heart of her wishes, I would like to inform you of the secret safe in her bedroom. She didn’t think any of you knew of its existence,” he paused and studied the expectant faces around him.

  His audience seemed to have stopped breathing in anticipation of what he was going to say next. The eerie silence was broken only by the tick-tocking of an antique grandfather’s clock standing steadfastly behind the attorney who inhaled, exhaled, and said, “She kept a copy of the will in that safe along with some family jewels, which she said were heirlooms previously owned by old Miss Hilda Briar, her aunt, who resided in this house until her death.”

  Audrey gasped then clamped her hand over her mouth.

  Parkins resumed his speech, ignoring her, “Miz Agnes fully expected to live a long time. In fact she anticipated outliving her husband and her younger sister. She said she was a nutritionist and knew how to eat healthy.”

  He paused, recalling the previous day’s inquest and wondering if perhaps her state of mind had deteriorated in the years since she had visited him. He also speculated that eating Mark Robeson’s cooking, if it was anything like his father’s, could not have been very salubrious.

  Keeping his thoughts to himself, he turned to Lester and said, “Therefore in keeping with the laws of this state Miz Agnes Briar Henley left the minimum required for a spouse, which is the sum of four thousand dollars, to her husband Lester Henley.” Not pausing, he continued rapidly, “The rest of her estate is to go to her dearly beloved son, Kevin Henley.”

  An audible gasp escaped from everyone’s lips except Kevin who sat mute, almost trancelike, and Bernie who clenched her fist, raised it, then brought it down sharply to her side and screamed, “Yes! Yes!”

  Lester literally collapsed. Never had he expected anything like this.

  Observing his father’s reaction, Kevin rushed to his side terrified that he might have a heart attack.

  “Dad, Dad, please! I knew nothing about this, I swear! I couldn’t have!”

  The lawyer intervened, “That’s all right, Mr. Henley, if Agnes didn’t tell anyone about the safe and its contents, then I’m the only one who knew everything.” He turned to Audrey. “Old Miss Briar was your aunt, too, did you know about her safe?”

  “No, my goodness no, and I knew nothing about family jewels.”

  Audrey appeared as devastated as Lester because, it seemed, she had just learned of jewelry that should have belonged to her.

  Lester could not move. “Son, you and Mark help me to my rooms. Then, get-get me a sedative. I can’t believe your mother did this to me.”

  “But, Dad, nothing’s going to change. You’ll always live here. I-I think maybe we ought to send for a doctor. You don’t look good.”

  “No, no, just get me upstairs. For gawd’s sake don’t call no doctor.” He was embarrassed and humiliated and couldn’t face any more outsiders observing his loss. But he was wobbly on his legs as Kevin and Mark supported him out of the room and up the stairs.

  Parkins turned to those remaining, “Ladies, I don’t know what else to say. Please tell Kevin to contact me tomorrow at my office and I’ll go over his mother’s holdings with him. They’re quite considerable you know.”

  As he picked up his briefcase, he scanned the faces of the remaining occupants of the room and realized he should have left his last remark unsaid. Bernie was beaming and would no doubt immediately inform Kevin. Audrey was fuming and Penny appeared in shock, although why she should be affected, Jefferson couldn’t comprehend. He left the room and let himself out.

  Bernie was indeed jumping with joy. “Geez, can you beat that? Family jewels! And now they’re mine! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”

  “Shut up, you little fool!” snapped Audrey. “I’m going to contest that will. Those jewels should be mine.”

  “Well, maybe Kevin will give them to you,” suggested Penny.

  “Over my dead body!” retorted Bernie.

  “Penny, you little dunce, you’re not family, so stay out of this!”

  “Audrey! Please!” exclaimed Penny, disheartened. “We’ve all got to calm down. Wait until Lester feels better, then we’ll decide what to do next.”

  “Whatever we decide, it’s got nothing to do with you,” Audrey insisted stubbornly.

  Bernie intervened, “You mean whatever Kevin decides. Don’t you go worrying none, Penny. And, Audrey, I think you’re in shock just like poor Lester. Maybe you need to lay down, too.” To herself she thought that sooner or later she would get rid of both of them and she would be the only woman here, lady of the manor just like in her romance novels. She smiled mysteriously.

  Audrey glared at the two women, then stormed out of the room. Standing in the hallway she knew she had to regain her composure. She couldn’t afford to alienate Penny just yet. She needed her as an ally. And Penny needed her support even more. As for Bernie, well, something had to be done about her but Kevin was in control now, and he, for incomprehensible reasons, doted on the little nincompoop. She went upstairs to her room to calm down and plan her strategy.

  Misinterpreting Bernie’s smile and her statement, Penny said, “Thank you, Bernie, you’re very kind.” She also left the room, grateful for the friendship she had always had with Kevin and now, apparently, with Bernie.

  Alone in the library, Bernie turned slowly around, surveyed the luxury that would be hers, and again raised her fist and shouted “Yes!”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  As the cocktail hour approached, a calmer Audrey and a subdued Penny found themselves once again in the library.

  “If ever there was a day for drinking, this is it,” stated Penny.

  “There’s nothing to celebrate,” moaned Audrey.

  “That’s not what I meant. Just the opposite in fact. Drown our sorrows, that kind of stuff.”

  “Oh, well, in that case,” but she had already poured herself a stiff drink. “Although I don’t know why you would care one way or the other, Penny.”

  Bernie burst into the room not giving Penny time to respond. “Celebrating already, huh?” she asked cheerfully.

  “Oh, shut up!” cried Audrey.

  Penny quickly intervened, “Where’s Kevin, Bernie? Why doesn’t he ever join us in here?” She knew the reason but felt she had to say something to prevent the two in-laws from fighting.

  “You know this is his favorite time to lay out in the sun,” said Bernie. “Besides he prefers beer, not cocktails, or hard liquor.”

  “Lie out,” corrected Penny.

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind. He could still join us in here whether he drank beer or root beer.”

  “And miss the sun? Nope, he says this is the only time of day that he doesn’t burn. Damn, he’s got the whitest skin I ever seen and all it does is freckle. I mean I have real white skin, too, but I tan easy.”

  “Yes, Bernie,” said Audrey wryly, “you’re a golden goddess.”

  “Well, thanks,” she replied, oblivious as always to the sarcasm. “Ya know, there’s something about Lester that’s been bothering me.”

  “Oh? And what might that be?” continued Audrey in the same tone.

  “Do you think he’s got oldtimers’ disease?”

  “What? Oh, do you mean Alzheimers?” said Penny.

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “What put that idea into your little lame brain?” sneered Audrey.

  “Well, because he’s always calling the cops by names that aren’t theirs. You know, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello. Then he thought they were twins. My gawd, Donovan is too old to be Metson’s twin.”

  Audrey just gaped at her while Penny exploded with laughter. “Oh, Bernie,” she cried, “you’re delightful! Just what we need to lighten our moods.”

  At that moment Lester stumbled into the r
oom.

  “Well, oldtimer, up and about, eh?” said Audrey.

  “Audrey!” exclaimed both Penny, who was appalled at Audrey’s lack of compassion, and Bernie, who was shocked to think she would ridicule him, especially if he did have that disease.

  “Lester, what are you doing here?” cried Penny. “You shouldn’t have come down.”

  “I-I needed a drink,” he panted weakly as he sank into an easy chair.

  “You mean you don’t have any alcohol in that suite of yours upstairs?” asked Audrey, incredulous.

  “Naw, I did have some but I drank it the night after Agnes died. Thought I was celebrating,” he mumbled as tears rolled down his face. “Besides, with her gone I can come down here and drink any time I want, morning or night. No need to hide it in my room anymore.”

  “Yes, but sometimes it’s convenient to have a bottle by the bedside. Sometimes I need a swallow or two just to go to sleep.”

  “Oh lordy, Audrey, don’t go sounding uppity like your sister always did. It was okay for her to have a bottle of gin for medicinal purposes, as she called it, but not me. Of course I hid mine from her.”

  “Oh, henpicked, henpicked!” shrilled Bernie, the new matriarch of Henley House.

  Lester turned and glared at her, open-mouthed. Very seldom had there been conflict between father-in-law and daughter-in-law.

  “Henpecked, you nitwit!” shouted Audrey.

  “Whatever,” said Bernie, “all right, we’re all here, and I want to let you know that darling Kevin told me while ago that everyone is to stay on just as before. Everybody will be provided for.” To herself Bernie mused but not if she had anything to do with it. Well, maybe Lester could stay. After all, he was Kevin’s dad and now she could henpick-peck him. Smiling at her thoughts, she said, “So, let’s drink to drinking whenever we want and to a future without Agnes.”

  At which, inexplicably, Lester again burst into tears. Penny rushed to console him. Audrey and Bernie downed their drinks.

  “What are you carrying on about?” said Audrey, as she gave him a napkin to blow his nose. “You wanted her dead.”

  “I-I wanted a future without Agnes. But I-I also wanted a future full of security and self-respect. Now the whole town’s going to know that I’m dependent on my son.”

  “How is anyone going to know what Agnes’ will said?” asked Audrey. “Now that Bernie has said that we’ll go on as before, no one else needs to know. Let’s make a pact. We’ll discuss this with Kevin and I’m sure my precious nephew will agree that no one is to reveal the contents of Agnes’ will. We’ll live as we always have and the rest of the town will never know.” She added to herself, until that damn will was challenged but in the meantime…She left the thought unfinished.

  As if reading her thoughts, Bernie exclaimed, “What are you talking about? Right after the reading of the will you said you were going to contest it, whatever that means, so you could get the family jewels. But a contest wouldn’t mean you’d win.”

  “Oooh, you little idiot, no, no, I’m sorry Bernie, I-I’ve had time to calm down. Forget what I said. Right now we all have to go on as before and hold our heads high in front of the community.”

  “Dammit, Audrey, you’re getting more like Agnes every minute,” complained her brother-in-law. “But you’re right. We should keep quiet about this. Everybody agree?”

  Audrey and Penny quickly nodded yes. Lester turned to his daughter-in-law, “Bernie?”

  “Sure, I won’t tell nobody,” she smiled complacently, remembering the phone call she had made to her mother while Kevin was tending to Lester.

  “What about Mark?” asked Penny. “He sat through the reading of the will, remember? We’re so used to him now that nobody even thought to ask him to leave.”

  “He belongs here as much as you do, Penny,” said Audrey caustically, “and he certainly makes more of a contribution to this household than you do.”

  “Oh!” cried Penny, shooting Audrey a murderous look and wondering why she continued to turn against her so vehemently.

  Startled by Penny’s expression, Audrey remembered that she couldn’t afford to lose her as an ally, not yet anyway. Besides, she had her own suspicions about Penny’s little innocent act. She may not have had a monetary motive to wish Agnes dead but she would have had a vengeful one.

  “Now, cut it out you two!” shouted Lester, recovering some of his previous energy. “Penny’s right. We got to talk to Mark. Bernie, go see if he’s in the kitchen.”

  After she had left, Audrey took a deep breath and smiled sweetly at Penny. “I-I guess the day’s events have caused emotions to overcome reason.”

  “Oh,” said Penny, confused. She wondered if that was Audrey’s way of apologizing.

  “Damn right,” said Lester. “We got to start thinking.”

  Bernie quickly returned with Mark. Lester and Audrey explained the situation to him.

  “Now, Mark,” asked Audrey confidently, “will you help us to maintain appearances and the confidentiality of the will?”

  “Of course. No problem,” he responded affably, thinking of the phone call he had made to his father as soon as he had left Kevin in Lester’s room and returned to the kitchen.

  “All right then. It’s all settled. Life goes on,” said Lester in a much-restored mood. “I’ll talk to Kevin, or better yet, Bernie, you handle him. He’s as much upset by this business as I am.”

  “Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of my sweetie.”

  Glancing out the window and gazing upon a peacefully dozing Kevin, who was lying in the fading sunlight, Audrey mused wryly that he didn’t look so upset, the little bastard!

  Despite Audrey’s cynical appraisal of Kevin, dinner was again a rather melancholy affair due to his silence. Whether his deportment was the shocking result of being the immediate heir to his mother’s fortune or of still being in mourning for her, the others couldn’t decide. Something about the dinner hour produced a sadness quite uncharacteristic of him, or so perceived Lester, Audrey, and Penny.

  Mark tread lightly around Kevin as he served a ridiculous concoction composed of ground beef, a can of pork and beans, a package of macaroni and cheese, and instant mashed potatoes, all mixed together with dollops of ketchup. The mess was accompanied by a traditional green salad.

  “Damn, Mark,” complimented Lester, “this is the best dish you’ve cooked up yet.”

  Audrey was too preoccupied to quip one of her usual caustic remarks. She ate her meal, not really tasting it. She wondered if Bernie had said anything to Kevin and if she had, what had he said? No matter what Lester’s opinion was, she knew they couldn’t leave their future to Bernie’s control of Kevin and why was Kevin so quiet?

  Penny wondered if reminiscences of past family dinners when good-naturedly he teased his mother brought about Kevin’s mood. After all, Kevin was never irritated by his mother’s pomposity, she thought.

  Although he was enjoying the meal, Lester worried about his son. Damn, he didn’t want the kid to be so sad. Who would have thought he’d mourn her like this? Ah well, Agnes had been dead only a few days. He would come out of it.

  “Say, Penny,” addressed Bernie brightly, not in the least intimidated by her husband’s melancholy. “Why don’t you fix one of your Aunt Hazel pies? Give Mark some time off?”

  All eyes suddenly riveted to Penny who could only blurt, “Huh?”

  Mark came to her rescue. “Say, that’s an idea. I’d appreciate it. I could spend more time with my dad.”

  “Oh, well,” sputtered Penny, “I didn’t know anyone knew about that.”

  “Hell,” said Lester, “everybody in this town knew, I betcha, except Agnes. Damn, I remember those pies you used to make at the Southern-Star Restaurant in Connor’s Corner. Damn tasty!”

  “Lester, I think Penny would prefer not to remember that,” Audrey quietly reprimanded him.

  Glancing at his son, he mumbled, “Oh yeah. Sorry.”

  Not understanding the und
ercurrent, Mark asked, “Well, would you Penny?”

  “Oh sure, of course,” she replied doubtfully.

  After dinner Bernie told everyone that she and Kevin were going to their room to watch television. As usual, Mark took care of the dishes and the cleaning in the kitchen. No one volunteered to help him. Penny and Audrey returned to the library, selected reading material, and went upstairs to read in their respective rooms. Lester entered the empty library, mixed a drink, turned on the TV, and sat down to watch ESPN.

  Later that night when everyone was ensconced in his or her room, Lester, Audrey, and Penny pondered their own individual fates.

  Although his scheme had worked perfectly, Lester was falling into a deep depression caused by the treachery of the will.

  “I wonder which one of them did it. And it was all for nothing! Of course, Kevin ain’t going to throw me out. But damn! I got to know which one of those women killed Agnes. It could’ve been any one of them. They were all around here, more or less, during the critical time. I got the impression each didn’t really know what the others were doing, but yet, they were eager to cover for each other. Maybe that was because each one thought she’d be blamed because she’d drawn the X.”

  He smiled ruefully. He’d certainly outsmarted himself. “Or was it the other way around? Did they do it together? Oh so kindly offering to fix Agnes’ salad and her so pleased at their concern? Oh what a funny thought! But no, Bernie couldn’t keep a secret like that, could she? But Audrey’s always snapping at her and Penny. And why would they conspire? Did they find out that they’d all drawn the X? Then why didn’t they get mad at me? Oh damn! I got to know. This is killing me.”

  Audrey was overcome, not so much with panic, but with rage, rage at her sister and the injustice of losing her aunt’s jewelry to that piece of trailer trash who was Kevin’s wife. In a way, the turn of events was poetic justice. Agnes had finagled Aunt Hilda into leaving the jewelry to her, and then Agnes had unwittingly left the pieces to her detested daughter-in-law.