by Dee Tenorio
“You don’t know what the hell you’re doing with Penelope, do you?”
His doleful glare didn’t have any effect on Josh. “If you think this situation is anything like when Miranda was pregnant, you’re wrong.”
Josh just grinned.
“I’m not looking for your advice.”
“But you need it,” Josh said, still looking like a know-it-all asshole. “You need something anyway. You’re a wreck.”
He was, galling as it was to admit.
“So you going to tell me what the hell is really going on or do I get to just sit here and enjoy watching you squirm?”
“Sadist.” Which was no surprise to anyone. Josh’s ability to torment perfectly innocent probies and ranked men alike was legendary. “Things are just a little complicated right now.”
“Which means you’ve slept with her.”
“Chloe’s my kid, of course I’ve slept with her.”
“Recently?”
Raul glared.
“Well, that’s an affirmative if I’ve ever seen one.” Josh put his feet down and finally sobered up. “Let’s break it up a little, see if we can’t figure out where your sad little mind is failing you. Are you worried about Chloe?”
Stupid question.
“How she’s taking all this?”
No, that much Raul wasn’t concerned about. “She’s taken to my family like a duck to water.”
“And to you?”
That one he wasn’t so sure about. “She likes me.”
“Have you talked to her this week?”
Just a call on Monday, that Chloe had made to his cell to ask about his work schedule. He’d told her he’d be off on Thursday and they’d planned to do something then. “Once.”
Before the stark declarations of paternity. Damn it. An uncomfortable suspicion took hold in his gut. “The little rat planned this.”
Josh scowled, sensitive as always when it came to kids.
Raul waved him off. “If you knew the kids in my family, you’d know calling them rats is the least we could do.” Especially his kid. “She’s scheming again.”
“Any idea why?” Josh was used to schemes. Miranda always had a plan going for something.
“Not a clue.”
“If I know her, you’ll find out soon enough. But I don’t think that’s your problem anyway. You worried about taking care of her? Being a parent?”
“At first,” Raul admitted, because Josh knew all about his issues. The whole break with his family had started because they’d wanted to box him into a role as a husband and father. They’d had a future expected of him and the prospect of it had chafed. He hadn’t wanted to be in that box. Never wanted to be held down. Putting other people’s wants first wasn’t exactly his strong suit. At least, it didn’t used to be…
“Not anymore?”
“What?” Raul blinked back to awareness. “No, keeping her safe and not throttling her myself before she turns eighteen scares me shitless. But—”
“But it’s not the scariest part,” Josh finished for him.
In his mind, Raul again remembered looking down at Penelope as he bent to kiss her goodbye. The hurt when she’d turned her face so he’d only touched the barest corner of her lips. Lips he’d nearly bruised with passion. Stubbornly, he’d matched her movement, kissing her so thoroughly it was all he could do not to strip down and get back in that bed with her. That was what scared him. His inability to let her build walls between them. His anger at every small rejection.
“You’ve got it bad,” Josh said. “I mean, I always figured you did, but this is impressive. I wouldn’t have thought Pen had it in her.”
Raul almost growled. “Had what in her?”
If Josh picked up that accidental double-entendre, he’d kill him.
Thankfully, Josh had more brains that that. “Courage, I guess. It’d take a strong woman to put up with all your shit, that’s for sure. I didn’t think she’d be willing to give it another try.”
Just tonight, Raul. Doing this won’t change anything.
She’d meant it when she’d said that. And when he left, she knew he’d meant it when he’d disagreed. “She’s not.”
And that’s why he’d been seething ever since.
Josh just watched him, then his direct gaze flickered down to the ground. “You can’t blame her, Raul.”
He shouldn’t, but he did. And it didn’t make any fucking sense.
“She always loved you, man. Unquestioningly. No matter what you did, who you were with, where you went. I know you were good to her, in your way. You didn’t let anyone tease her. You protected her. You did your best to respect her, I know you did, so stop looking at me like that. No one said shit to her about it, but everyone knew she never had a chance with you. You were too wild and the last thing you wanted was to find some nice girl to settle down with. You were gonna break her heart one way or another, and we all knew it. Everyone except Penelope.
“You don’t know what she was like after you left. Hell, I barely recognized her. She put on a brave face, sure, but she was like a ghost. Like someone had ripped out her heart.”
And they both knew who that was. Raul’s fists tightened so much his knuckles cracked.
“She got out of town almost as fast as you did. Next thing we knew, she was pregnant. People figured she ran out and did something stupid. She didn’t hide from it. Kept her chin up and people respected that. But she was never the same. And now here you come, expecting her to be the same girl you left behind, and that’s bullshit. Pure, unadulterated bullshit.”
The urge to tell Josh to get out thrummed in his blood, but Raul knew his friend was right. It was bullshit.
“I don’t mind telling you, you’re probably the worst thing that ever happened to her, except maybe her mother.”
“Don’t go there,” Raul warned, his voice gruff. Not that he was particularly happy about defending Lorna, but Penelope had demanded he show some respect and he would.
Josh didn’t seem to mind. He had a fish to fry already. “Remember what you told me, back when Miranda first got pregnant?”
He did, but hearing it now was not what he wanted.
“‘How many women stay in love with the asshole who knocks them up and leaves them to raise his kids alone?’ That’s what you said. And you were right.”
“This is different. I didn’t know I was the father. You think I wouldn’t have done something about it if I had?”
“No, it’s not. You just don’t want to admit it now because the shoe’s on the other foot. Right now, you’re expecting her to just throw herself down and worship you like she always did. Well, she won’t. She doesn’t want to love you, Raul. Loving you is like hitting herself in the face with a hammer over and over again—it just makes her bloody and stupid.”
“Thanks.” The sarcasm dripped all over Raul’s desk. “Really.”
“You remember what else you told me?”
“Something tells me you’re going to tell me anyway.” And make me wish I’d kept my big mouth shut.
Josh leaned forward, blue eyes intense. “You told me to figure out what I wanted from her.”
Oh, fuck, that wouldn’t help. “I know what I want from her.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Her!” He stood up, needing to pace but he didn’t have the space. “I want her, damn it. Every day, every night, that’s all I can think about. Being with her. Talking to her. Listening to her. I want her to stop being so fucking polite and yell at me. I want her to say what she thinks instead of what she figures won’t make me mad. I want her to stop pulling away from me. I want her right fucking here, all the time, and all she wants is to get away.”
Josh stayed silent while Raul kicked his trash can across the room. It made a resounding boom where it hit the corner and clattered to the linoleum floor, rolling itself into the filing cabinets with a quiet little clack.
“I know I’m probably asking the obvious here, but did you
think to ask yourself why?”
“Why what?” Raul put his hands on his hips, still glaring at the trash can. One side was dented, making it look like a half-crushed soda can. Maybe if he stomped on it once or twice he’d get some satisfaction out of it.
“Why you want her so bad.”
No. He hadn’t wanted to ask why because he didn’t want to know the answer. Knowing the answer would mean becoming everything he’d sworn to himself over and over that he would never be. Trapped in a box. Locked into a future mapped out for him by his family long before he was even born. Just one more of those breeding Montengas who were happy enough just to get by.
But in his gut, he already did know. He’d known for a long time.
“I wasted it, didn’t I?” He put his hands on the side corners of his desk, feeling as if his gut had been kicked in. “She loved me and I just…threw it away.”
“Yeah, you did.” Leave it to Josh not to pull any punches. But he didn’t belabor the point, either. “If you want it back, you gotta do more than just demand it.”
Finally, some hope. “I’ve gotta earn it.”
“And you’ve got to make sure she knows why you want it. She’s not going to risk her heart or her daughter’s unless you put something on the table. She needs to know how you feel first this time.”
Raul scoffed, half laughing, just imagining how that little scene might go. “No way in hell she’s going to believe me.”
Josh clapped him on the back. “That, my friend, is why God invented groveling.”
But where to start. Standing in his office wasn’t going to help any damn thing. “How bad is it out there?”
“Well, no one has shotguns, if that’s what you mean.” Josh frowned as Raul dragged his coat on. “Where’re you going?”
“Shaky Jake’s.” Everything stopped and started at Shaky Jake’s. “Keep an eye on things, all right?”
“Oh, hell, no. Randa would skin me alive if I missed this.” Josh was already following him out of the office.
Shrugging the shoulders of his coat into place better, Raul decided to ignore him. Instead he walked out to his truck, rolling his eyes when Josh hopped in on the passenger side. Poor bastard, he must get out less than Raul realized if this was his idea of can’t-miss entertainment. “I’m not even sure anything is going to happen. I’m just going to find out what people are saying.”
“Right. With your temper?”
Raul gunned the engine and roared down the road. It was only three blocks to Shaky Jake’s, but he’d keep the truck at full throttle if it would just shut his friend up. “People change, you know. I’m not the same asshole I was when I left.”
“I know,” Josh yelled, grinning. “You’re a new and improved asshole. Squeaky clean and vanilla-scented now, right?”
“I really hate you sometimes,” Raul grumbled, pulling up in front of the restaurant and not remotely giving a shit about the no parking sign. They both got out, Josh more than willing to let Raul lead the way into the town watering hole. He strode through the door and everything stopped.
Utter silence.
Impressive, considering the place was full to the gills on a weekday evening. Quarter to five, it wasn’t even happy hour yet and there was standing room only at the bar and along the tables. How many times had he been one of them, listening like a chepa to stories of what was happening around town. He’d found some stories amusing. Some sad. A few even bothered him enough to set a few folks straight.
He’d never had the weight of all those questions on him, because even when he’d been the subject of rumor and innuendo, he hadn’t cared. It had all slid off his back like water off a duck. But it hadn’t been that way for Penelope. It had stuck to her all the years he’d been gone, been something she’d overcome. Something she’d withstood. Damn if he was going to let that happen again.
“Looks like you’re on, Mr. Vanilla.” Josh clapped him on the back, but Raul was too busy trying to decide what to say to feel pushed. He’d torn up the road to get down here. Time to put up or shut up.
He nodded at people, inching past them on his way to the bar. When he finally got to the polished mahogany surface, he couldn’t help a regret for what he was about to do to it. Or what May Belle Butner—the owner—would do to him when she caught him.
With a quick heft, he hopped on top of the gleaming bar and stood to his full height. Unfortunately, all the stunned expressions followed him.
“I need everyone’s attention for a sec. Can everyone see me okay?” he asked, which was stupid really, because they wouldn’t tear their eyes off him if a car drove through the picture window. He clapped his hands self-consciously, doing his best to ignore Josh leaning near the door. “So, by now I’m figuring all of you have heard that Chloe Gibson’s my daughter.”
“Among other things, you lucky bastard.”
Raul clenched his teeth, forcing himself not to look around and figure out what jackass had just said that. “Well, since I’ve known most of you all my life, I think it’s pretty safe to say that’s about the only thing any of you have heard that’s true.”
If he’d thought the place was quiet before, now he could practically hear the beer froth bubbling away.
“Since I have you here and I know everyone’s going to talk, I’d rather you all talk about the truth. And the truth is, Chloe’s my kid. Which, if any of you’ve gotten to know her, you’d understand why I’m proud of that. What I’m not proud of is that I missed out on her until now because I was an idiot. I was selfish, thoughtless, reckless and careless. I hurt people before I left this town. I hurt Penelope.”
He looked around, surprised to find the full figure of May Belle standing in her kitchen doorway, arms crossed, watching him like a hawk. He’d have thought she’d have been on him like a banshee for where he was standing, but her clear blue eyes were fixed on him, waiting.
“She didn’t deserve the way I took advantage of her all those years ago and she doesn’t deserve to have all of you speculating about her now because of it. She’s still the good woman, good mother and good doctor you have trusted for years. Nothing you found out today is going to change that.
“I have a lot to make up for, to Pen, to Chloe, and I’m asking you all as a personal favor, allow me to make it up to them. Don’t make this some dirty scandal everyone in town talks about for the next thirty years. Don’t make Chloe grow up with that on her head. I’m the one who screwed up. I’m the one you should be bitching about. I don’t care what you say about me—hell, we all know I’ve earned it. Just please, keep Chloe and Penelope out of it, all right? That’s all I ask.”
He nodded at May Belle, then dropped down off the bar at the only open space he could find—next to old Ben Friedly. There was always a space there. Before Raul could move, Ben’s gnarled hand caught his arm in a surprisingly strong grip. What fifty years of working in the sun hadn’t etched and colored, sixty years of four beers a day had crackled quite nicely, but the old grumpy codger was still kicking. Raul looked down at the way-past-eighty-year-old man questioningly.
“That was pretty damn brave of you, boy.” Ben’s voice was as deeply grained as his lined face.
Raul sighed, relieved when people started murmuring around them, conversations going off in other directions. At least, while he was standing there. “Think it’ll work?”
“Not a chance in hell.” Ben cackled. “But maybe they’ll give you three a little room to get your business worked out. Don’t worry. You three will be fine. Lotsa folks older than you have had kids on the wrong side of the blanket.”
Raul bristled at the prospect of anyone holding his mistakes against Chloe.
A bristle Ben shrugged off. “Don’t let it bother you, boy. If anyone gives that little girl any trouble, she’s more than got the gumption to tell ’em where they can stick their opinion.”
Raul almost stepped aside, but then it occurred to him that Ben Friedly spent most of his time right there on the stool and had done so fo
r the last twenty years at least. “How exactly do you know Chloe, sir?”
Ben’s dark eyes just glittered up at him. “Son, you just worry yourself on keeping that pretty doctor of yours. You got your hands full with that already. Chloe’s three steps ahead of you on everything else and believe me, you ain’t got a prayer of catching up.” Ben slapped the back of Raul’s arm in clear dismissal, grabbing a pretzel from a bowl to suck off the salt.
Raul almost pushed it, but at the last second, he thought the better of it. Some things…some things a father might be better off not knowing.
{{{
Penelope pulled into her driveway with a groan. She’d been looking forward to coming home, sliding into a tub of hot water and trying to put this whole day behind her. Oh, it had started out all right. She’d woken up to sunshine and she hadn’t even been hugging her pillow the way she’d caught herself doing since the night Raul had been in her bed. She’d thought it was a good omen.
It had been. The day was pleasantly busy, even if most of her patients had more curiosity than illness. Rebuffing vague questions was far easier than treating actual sickness.
At least until Chloe got off the bus and came into the chock-full office. Penelope could still see the whole thing in her mind, even though she’d replayed it a thousand times or more already.
“Hi, Cara!” Chloe bounced in, backpack slung over one shoulder while Penelope dropped a patient’s file on her receptionist’s desk.
“Hey, kiddo, good day at school?” Cara half stood, nudging the candy bowl Chloe’s way.
“Pretty good. No one got detention today.” Chloe snaked a butterscotch out like a mongoose after an egg. It was in her mouth before Penelope could complain.
“Sounds like y’all are stepping up your teacher detection skills. Where’d you get that?” Cara’s curious question had Pen lifting her head, some part of her heeding an inherent alarm.
Too late, she realized Chloe was lifting her medal with a too-pleased smile on her face. “It’s a present from my father. Isn’t it cool?”