by Nevada Barr
Through the panic of asphyxiation came a piercing realization: her earlier prayer for death was bogus. Regardless of where she’d landed, she wanted to stay alive. A line from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, a play her husband, Zach, had starred in Off-Broadway, reverberated in a voice she’d thought lost to her, something to the effect that life in a box was better than no life at all.
Air returned in a trickle, and Anna sipped greedily till her lungs expanded. With oxygen came pain. Her shoulder throbbed down to her fingertips. She’d not let go of the Stokes, and her left hand was pinned beneath the metal. During the fall, she had become wadded up. Knees under chin, arms down around her ankles, she knelt in a ball on an unstable surface. As she fell—or, more likely, as she landed—her headlamp had been lost. Darkness was absolute, viscous. Of the three sources of light she’d been cautioned to carry, two were in her sidepack, somewhere above her. If above still existed.
Frieda’s lamp had been extinguished as well. Anna could not tell which direction was up and which down, whether they had landed on the bottom of the Pigtail or were caught partway down. She had no idea if she bled or was whole, if Frieda was with her or gone. Only sound remained to keep her company; a distant grumbling as if the people the earth had swallowed for her supper didn’t agree with her.
For half a minute Anna was unable to move. Blindness, dizziness from the blow to her head, left her with a sense of disassociation. The pain in her shoulder, fingers, the cramping in her thighs, were distant echoes from a body she had once inhabited. The only true sensation was stark terror. Fear if she moved she would fall again, farther this time. And fear that she was alone and would die alone in the dark.
Anna was never to find out if this panic would have passed on its own, if she would have been able to function again without help. A light came through the dust storm of night and touched the wall several yards above her. “Down here,” she managed. Her voice was so tiny she could scarcely hear it herself. Fear she would be passed over, the search plane would never again fly near her life raft, sent a spurt of adrenaline through her veins. “Down here,” she yelled so loudly she wondered that she didn’t set off another fall of rock.
Lamps began appearing, brown muted smudges that came and went in the haze like will-o’-the-wisps. Shouts and cries accompanied them, but none reached to where Anna crouched.
“Light,” she shouted. “Get me some light down here.”
“Hang on.” Oscar Iverson’s voice cut through the fog, and she was comforted. She could hear the scramble of feet and lines. A fine rain of dirt pattered down on her helmet.
“Frieda?” she ventured. There was no reply. Keeping her right hand clasped tightly on a projection of stone above her shoulder and moving carefully so as not to dislodge them should their perch be as precarious as she feared, Anna worked her left hand from between the rock and the Stokes. The pain was intense but not unwelcome. It clarified her thoughts, burned through the mind-numbing terror. When her hand was free, she pulled the glove off with her teeth and began a tactile exploration of the territory beneath her.
Between her knees was the cool Plexiglas of Frieda’s face shield. Anna wiggled her fingers under the edge and felt the warmth of her friend’s throat. Without help from her eyes she sought the carotid artery the way she’d been taught years before at a trade school for emergency medical technicians, feeling first for the hard shell of cartilage that protected the esophagus. Nothing but too-pliant flesh met her touch. Risking the fall, she released the stony projection and brought her right hand down. Using her left to hold the shield up, she felt Frieda’s face. There was no stickiness of blood or slippery ooze of mucus or cerebral spinal fluid leaking from nose or ears. With gentle strokes, she checked the exposed parts of Frieda’s skull and forehead. She seemed to be all in one piece. Anna’s fingers tapped gently down over feathery eyebrows to touch Frieda’s eyelids. They were wet.
“Frieda?” Anna said softly. There wasn’t a flicker of response. She moved a fingertip lightly down the lid to the bridge of the nose. Not blood but tears: Frieda’s eyes were open. Anna’s fingertips rested on the sclera.
“Frieda?” Anna said again, and heard a note of hysteria in her voice. “Get Dr. McCarty down here,” she yelled.
“Almost there.” Looking up she could see the boots and butts of two cavers descending in a halo of murky light. When she looked down again the illumination had spread. In diffused sepia tones, like those of an old photograph, she could make out the barest outline of where they had come to rest. Katie’s Pigtail bottomed out a foot or two below the wide shelf where the litter had landed. The Stokes was at an angle, propped in the ell where wall met floor. Lines tangled around it, some vanishing into the dark like snakes fleeing the scene. Anna had landed on top of the litter, her knees on Frieda’s chest.
In the swaying shadows she could see Frieda’s face. The shield had become detached from her helmet on one side. Anna lifted it off. Eyes open, lips slightly parted as if she meant to speak, Frieda stared at the limestone wall. Where her esophagus should have been was a shallow depression the size of a saucer. That was why Anna had been unable to find it in the dark. It had been crushed, smashed flat when Anna’s knee had driven through the soft flesh of her throat.
“I killed you,” Anna said tonelessly.
“We’re almost there,” came Iverson’s voice. “Take it easy.”
“I killed her,” Anna told them. “I killed Frieda.”
8
WITH THE GIFT of light, Anna found the courage to move. Her left arm was useless. Even if it wasn’t broken, the pain was so great her muscles lacked all strength, and she couldn’t put any pressure on it. Keeping the weight off Frieda with her right arm, she got free of the Stokes and knelt by her friend’s head. With her weak hand beneath Frieda’s chin, Anna pinched her nose closed and tried to blow air into her lungs. The trachea was too damaged. No air could flow through. Twice more she tried, then Oscar and Peter McCarty arrived.
“Crushed esophagus,” Anna said, and, “Emergency tracheotomy?” She’d seen Jane Fonda do it once in a movie about a doll maker. It was not sanctioned for EMTs by any state board in the continental U.S. Pocket-knife and Bic-pen procedures were frowned upon by a litigious society not given to trusting the kindness of strangers.
In this instance McCarty echoed Anna’s thoughts verbatim. “We’ve got nothing to lose.”
She moved back, making room for him. Lines weaving through gear and metal tied Anna and Frieda together, and Anna knew it would always be so. She no more blamed herself for ending Frieda’s life than she would have blamed a rock that had effected the same end, but together they had traversed the Pigtail. Together they had shared the terror of the ropes giving way. Together they had fallen. Anna had not only been there at the moment Frieda’s life had winked out but, however unwillingly, had been the instrument of her death. That connected them.
“She’s gone,” Dr. McCarty said. “There was too much trauma. The spine may have been snapped.”
An involuntary shudder rattled Anna’s frame. Graphic images, the mechanics of her kneecap cracking Frieda’s bones were too much. To her embarrassment, she started to cry, not a quiet flow of seemly tears but salt water and snot and great gulping sobs. Her heart and mind felt as if they had burst, swollen tender blisters full of poison. She could no more stop her weeping than she could have stopped the litter from falling.
Arms went around her. Hands removed her helmet. Fingers stroked her hair. A voice murmured in her ear. Still, she could not stem the tide of emotion. Grief she could have borne with silence if not dignity; she’d done it before. Pain she could carry without undue complaint. Even the shock and the fear might have been tenable. It was the helplessness that unmanned her. An overwhelming sense of being utterly lost.
“I’m going to give her a sedative,” she heard Peter say. From the movement against the top of her head she realized it was he who held her.
“Not till we’re out of he
re and have camp set up,” Oscar returned. “She needs all her wits about her for the climb out.”
They spoke as if she wasn’t there. With her tears she had abdicated. At least in the minds of men. They didn’t understand tears; the difference between giving up and stepping down for a moment, collapsing and crying “I can’t go on,” then, refreshed, lifting one’s burdens and pressing onward.
Anna fought free of Peter’s protective embrace and mopped at the mess on her face with the tail of her tee-shirt. The coarseness of the gesture went unnoticed by the three of them. There wasn’t a clean hanky for a long ways.
“I’m okay,” she growled. An untimely case of the hiccups robbed her statement of its force. “Just a bad patch there. Frieda—” Tears yet unspent rose in her throat and eyes. Anna stopped trying to talk and breathed in slowly till they receded. “Frieda’s dead?”
“Dead,” Peter repeated.
“Can we get out of here?” Anna asked. “Out of the cave?” She kept her voice dead-level. She expected the answer to be “no” and did not want them to know how desperately she needed it to be otherwise.
“I don’t know,” Oscar said. Peter turned his head to listen. His light fell on Iverson and Anna saw his face. Age had settled on him with the layers of dust. She wouldn’t have thought his seamed, mummylike skin would have the elasticity to tell any more tales of use, but it was there. Exhaustion pulled at the rims of his eyes, responsibility pinched his thin lips, shock sucked the blood from his tanned hide, leaving it more gray than brown.
Seeing him this way could have further demoralized her. Oddly it had the opposite effect. Had he been a paragon of strength, she might have been tempted to fall apart and let him pick up the pieces. Recognizing his humanity brought to the fore a playground sense of justice. It wouldn’t be fair to fall apart. It wouldn’t be kosher to make him carry her load.
“Okay,” she said. Given the context, the word was meaningless. She intended only to buy herself a little time, to indicate she heard and understood, that she could be relied on. Whether the last was true or not, she didn’t know.
With meticulous attention to detail, proving to someone—herself, probably—that she was still a viable member of the team, Anna began unhooking herself from the Stokes. Her fingers now opened and closed, the wrist and elbow moved without too much pain. Apparently her shoulder had only been badly bruised. She didn’t mention that or the blow to her head to Peter McCarty.
Distracted, he didn’t press her. He asked questions about her and Frieda’s fall but was easily satisfied. They had yet to hear what had occurred up near the rockfall. The doctor might have his work cut out for him. Anna could see the lack of confidence in the uncomfortable shift of his blue eyes and the uncertain, almost childish, crimp of his mouth. McCarty wasn’t an ER doctor or a television hero. He was a gynecologist on holiday. Chances were good he had less experience with emergency medicine than Anna, Oscar, or Holden. But he had the M.D. after his name, and in the eyes of the world, that made him responsible.
He and Oscar had rappelled down using two short lines Oscar had been carrying to rig the ascent at the end of the Pigtail. They anchored to a formation that grew out of the wall above like a petrified rhinoceros horn. Anna watched as they strapped on their ascenders for the climb back up. Her gear resided with her other two light sources under Zeddie’s care. If Zeddie still lived.
Peter worked in grim silence. Understanding Anna’s need for information, an imposition of order—or maybe just needing to talk—Oscar told her everything he’d seen, heard, or surmised.
“Peter and I were right above you and Frieda,” he said. “We heard that . . . that noise . . . and looked up. Something let loose in the pile of rock up by the Distributor Cap. I heard it more than saw it. Kind of a weird shift in the shadows, but I could tell it was coming down. I think it started off small. Then a ton of rock hit the boulder we’d anchored you guys into. It must have shifted.”
That would have been the first short drop.
“I thought that was it, but something big got torn out,” Oscar went on.
The second grinding.
“The anchor boulder hopped. I mean hopped,” he said. “Like it had come to life. It staggered, rocked backward, then hopped, hit the bridge, and went down.”
Anna’s leviathan.
“After that the dust got so bad I had to turn away, put my arm over my face. Didn’t see much for a while.”
“Holden?” Anna asked. He’d been on the stone bridge directing the operation.
“Don’t know,” Oscar said, his voice suddenly hard. “He’s fast. He may have got clear.”
“Anybody else hurt?” Anna pressed.
“Like I said, I don’t know,” he snapped. Strain came across as irritation. After a moment he went on, his unspoken apology accepted. “Most of the others went ahead. They must have gotten clear. The Distributor Cap is solid. I’m betting this was a local slide.”
Peter McCarty was locking his ascenders onto the rope. He had said scarcely a word since he’d pronounced Frieda dead.
“Will you be okay with . . . You know, here?” Oscar asked almost as an afterthought. “As soon as I’m up I can send down my climbing gear.”
“Thanks,” Anna said. “I’ll be here.”
They left her a flashlight, and for that she was grateful. Watching them walk back up the wall of the chasm, she hugged it to her chest as if it were a magic wand.
Alone again, she crawled over to where Frieda lay. There was nothing with which to cover her face. By the light of the flashlight, Anna closed her friend’s eyes and folded her hands on her chest. They wouldn’t stay put, and she had to hook the elbows against the frame of the Stokes to keep them in place. Why it was important, she wasn’t sure, but it was. Death required ritual, even ritual that wasn’t completely understood. Anna found herself wishing she knew the words of the last rites. All that came to mind from a distant and spotty religious training were the first lines of the Twenty-third Psalm. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.” The sentiment was apt, so she spoke the words aloud. They were all she could remember. The rest of the psalm was inextricably tangled up with the Charge of the Light Brigade.
“Sorry,” Anna whispered. “It’s the best I can do.” Clicking off the light she sat cross-legged near the Stokes, one hand resting on Frieda’s shoulder, and listened to what was going on above.
Remembering the drop, then watching the men climb, she estimated they’d fallen close to thirty feet. Dust was thick in the air but had ceased to boil and twist like a live thing. In increments almost too small to note, the lamps were growing brighter. Sound, human notes, were discernible, but just barely. They seemed far off and impossibly lonely.
“I’m scared, Frieda,” Anna admitted. “I wish you were here.” Tears came again but quietly this time, a steady stream of sorrow cutting channels through the dirt on her face.
One of the lines used to descend began to snake up the wall. The slithering frightened Anna till she shined her light on it and knew it for what it was. Half a minute later came the call “Heads up.” She used her light to follow a burgundy sidepack, streaked with mud, down the rock face. It came to rest a few feet from the foot of the Stokes. She made no move to retrieve it.
“Got it?” came a call.
“Got it,” she shouted, and continued to sit and stare as if it were an alien object for which she could not fathom any practical use.
Now that the time had come to reenter the fray, take up those burdens she had righteously eschewed abandoning, she wondered if she had the wherewithal to do so. There was an undeniable appeal to sitting in the bottom of the ditch with Frieda, unmoved and unmoving, letting emergencies be dealt with by others. For a bit she indulged this desire, finding deep wells of self-pity to justify inaction.
“Shit,” she said finally, that being as close to a personal philosophy as she could muster. “I guess I’m not dead yet, Frieda.” She pri
ed herself up from the rock and retrieved the pack.
Oscar’s gear was a rotten fit, but it was a short climb and it would suffice. Once she was rigged she turned back to Frieda. It was time to say good-bye. She doubted they’d be alone together again. And, soon, Frieda’s soul, if such a thing actually existed, would take flight, rise effortlessly through the layers of bedrock. It crossed Anna’s mind to kiss her friend, but it wasn’t something she would have done had Frieda been alive. It seemed impertinent to do it now that she was dead. Anna racked her brain for a gift to leave her with, but the dead are hell to buy for. The answer came in a flash of insight a superstitious woman might have taken as a message from the Other Side.
“Taco,” Anna said, naming Frieda’s middle-aged golden retriever. “I’ll take care of Taco,” she promised. “As if he were a cat.” She waited a few seconds more, but there was nothing left but a hollow mountain and the smell of dirt.
9
FOLLOWING THE LIGHTS, Anna left the standing rope to Frieda in place and edged along the chasm. While she picked her way over the precarious goat track, a shouted dialogue echoed from one end of the Pigtail to the other. Besides registering that probably more people had survived than not, she paid little heed. Her attention was taken up by the placement of each foot. Ambient anxiety had settled on one thought: that she would fall again. And, though she’d gone beyond where the Stokes lay, there came with anxiety the horror that she would again land on Frieda. Knowing the fear was irrational did nothing to dispel it, and Anna crept and clung like a lifelong acrophobe.
At the end of the rift where the lights pooled, she joined Holden, Oscar, Peter, and Brent. When he saw the anchor shift, Holden had leapt from the bridge. Protected by the stone, he survived the landslide. In his Texas drawl he admitted, “The first step was a doozy.” Rubble flowed into the end of Katie’s Pigtail, burying the exit through to the Distributor Cap. By the time the slide was over, a mountain of dirt was between them and the way out. The fall created a stairway of rock down into the rift. Holden had been able to crawl up to the lip of the Pigtail.