by Taryn Plendl
v
We settle into a routine of being together. We eat together, watch TV together, and sleep together. With Ian’s help, the next two weeks fly by free of nightmares. He hasn’t had them either, and day by day, we form a friendship that would be hard to define if we ever needed to explain it.
“You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow Ally.” Ian says over dinner. “What?” I am shocked. I didn’t realize I needed to go back. “Yes, it is a post op appointment with the surgeon.” “Oh.” I say, biting my lip. “Do you need me to take you, or do you want to drive yourself?” He asks as he helps himself to more meatloaf. “Umm, I don’t have a car.” I mumble. “Really?” He seems honestly surprised. “Ally, how can you not have a car and live out here? What if you need to get something? Go somewhere?” Great, he looks concerned now. “I don’t go anywhere.” I say simply. “What do you mean you don’t go anywhere? I take a slow breath. “Exactly what I said. I. Don’t. Go. Anywhere.” Ian puts his fork down and grabs my hand from across the table. “When was the last time you left your house Ally—I mean before the surgery?” I look down at my plate, trying to think of a way to answer this without him seeing how crazy I am. I have a million things running through my head, and then I feel a small squeeze on my hand. Looking up into his dark eyes, I say “Before the surgery, I hadn’t been off my land for almost 2 years.”
“Shit Ally!” He gasps, and I pull my hand away from him—like I had been burned, as he stares at me. He takes his hands and runs them through his hair. I can tell he is trying to sound calm, and it just pisses me off. “Look Ally, I didn’t mean…” Standing up, I carry my plate to the trash and scrape it. “Stop it Ian! Look, I don’t need your pity, and I don’t need you to tell me I’m screwed up! Trust me, I am well aware of it!” Standing and walking toward me, Ian softly says, “Ally, I didn’t mean that, it just surprised me, that’s all.”
Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath. “Ally, I just wish I knew why. I wish I could understand—know why you choose to be so alone.” “Choose?” I can’t help it, everything he says right now just infuriates me. “You think I choose this?” I say swinging my hand around my surroundings. “Why are you out here Ian? Did you choose this? Choose to be alone and tortured?” He looks like I just hit him. I take a break, try to calm down, but I can’t. “If you think I am here, like this because I want to be, you haven’t learned a damn thing about me in the past 2 weeks!”
“Damn it Ally!” He bangs his hand so hard on the counter that it makes me jump. “That’s just it! I want to know more about you! I want you to trust me enough to tell me what happened to you.” He walks toward me and reaches out. At first I think he’s going to touch my face, but instead he reaches to the right side of my head and slowly drags his finger across my scar. He is so close to me that I can feel the warmth of his breath on my forehead as he looks down at me. “Please Ally, trust me. What happened? Why are you here like this?” Without taking my eyes off of his, I reach up and move his hand away from my head, dropping it back to his side. “I’m here—like this—because I didn’t die when I had the chance.”
Chapter 24
~Ian
I watch her turn and walk to her bedroom. I am stunned. I stand there, by myself in the kitchen for at least ten minutes before I feel the need to get away. I pull on my boots and walk out the door. I walk across the gravel drive without a destination in mind, until I come to a large tree stump, feeling crushed, I let myself just drop down.
I put my head in my hands, and for once I don’t feel like crying. She’s right, why am I out here? The sad part is that I think I did choose this. I chose to be alone and wallow in my grief. I chose to stop living after I lost Laney. I chose to turn away from everything and everyone I ever knew.
Here is a woman, who I genuinely care about, who didn’t choose this. I don’t know why she is this way, but I do know whatever it is, it was bad—maybe even horrific. Somehow, she fought past whatever it was, and continues to do so every day. She didn’t give up like me.
I either need to get to living or get to dying because this just existing thing I’ve been doing since Laney died, just isn’t cutting it anymore.
***
I don’t know how long I have been out here, and just how cold it is, until I feel my coat around my shoulders. I slip my hands into the sleeves as Ally sits down next to me. We sit there in silence for what seems like hours, when I finally reach out and take her cold hand in mine. “I’m sorry Ally.” I feel her lay her head on my shoulder. “I know Ian, me too. I just can’t…..not yet.” I squeeze her hand. “When you’re ready Ally, I’ll be here.”
***
I take Ally into town for her appointment the next day. The surgeon is very pleased with how she has healed, and gives her permission to slowly start exercising again.
I am more aware at what a huge step it is to have Ally here, away from our houses, so I don’t push any extra stops on her. When we are finished at the doctors, I drive us straight home. On the drive back, the snow begins to fall, and by the time we are pulling into the drive, it looks like a full blown white out.
I have been sleeping at Ally’s house since she came home from the hospital, and now that she is better, I feel almost sad at the thought of returning to my own home.
Nothing inappropriate has ever taken place between Ally and I. Other than occasionally holding hands, we have always kept it platonic. She is not the first woman I have ever shared a bed with, but she is definitely the first friend I have shared a bed with. I keep telling myself that I am sleeping with her to protect her from her nightmares, but I think it might be as much for me as for her. As crazy as our issues are, being with Ally has always felt so easy.
***
“Let’s get you inside.” I say as we park in front of her house. I walk around and open Ally’s door, and help her out. I start to walk up the stairs, but before I make it to the top, I feel a cold smack in the back of my head and snow trickle down the neck of my shirt. Stunned, I slowly turn around and find Ally standing by the car with her eyebrow raised and a very poor attempt at an innocent look. Smiling, I cock my head to the side, “Really? Really Ally? Do you really want to play this game?” I say as I leisurely walk back down the steps toward her. She is calmly backing away from me, as to further the gap between us, then I lunge and she screams.
Turning, Ally begins to run, laughing hysterically, toward a large tree about twenty feet away. I grab a handful of snow, forming a solid ball as I chase her. Launching it in her direction, it smacks against the tree as she springs behind it just in time.
Before I can take cover, she hits me square in the chest with another frozen ball. I decide a full on pursuit is in order and begin to charge, and as she peeks around the tree again, she screams when she realizes how close I am. She runs around the other side of the tree and attempts to pass by me, but I reach out, grabbing her coat, and swing her back around. Her momentum puts me off balance and we stumble backwards until I fall flat on my back, dragging Ally right on top of me.
“Oooh.” I hear her gasp as she lands, prone, on top of me. Looking up, I see her wet, snow covered hair cascade around her face and mine. I can feel her heart beating wildly through both of our shirts, and I see something in her eyes, longing, making me want to pull her down and kiss her cold wet lips. I shift under her and grab her waist underneath her coat, trying to ease her closer, but as I grip her sides, she winces. “Oh shit Ally, did I hurt you?” I say as I set us both upright. She doesn’t say anything. Realizing what I almost did, I quickly stand and pull her up. “Come on, you’re going to catch a cold out here and then I’ll have to drag you back into town for the doctor.” I say as I pull her towards the stairs.
When we get through the door, I peel her coat off of her and have her balance by leaning on my back as I pull her boots off. I do the same and then we walk into the living room. Her cheeks are flushed from the cold and her hair is wet with snow matted in it. “Ally, you need to get in the s
hower and warm up.” I’m going to get a fire going and then do the same.” She nods and turns toward her bedroom.
I walk over to the fireplace and start building a fire. Damn it Ian! I scold myself. What am I doing? Ally is my friend—the only friend I have had since Laney died. I won’t allow myself to mess this up by crossing the lines of friendship.
Once the fire is roaring, I grab a change of clothes and head to the bathroom, thinking I may need a cold shower rather than a hot one.
Chapter 25
~Ally
What are you doing Ally? I question myself as I stand under the hot water. What started as a harmless game turned into me coming close—too close to kissing Ian. It is a good thing my body protested in pain when it did, or I may have messed up the only friendship I’ve had in over three years.
His eyes were so dark as he looked up at me, and his lips looked so soft. I felt his warmth on every surface on the front of my body as I lay on him. I have slept with this man for two weeks and never touched him like that. Technically I am well enough to be on my own now, but the thought of Ian going back to his own house leaves a small void in my heart. I love having him here. My life went from letting absolutely no one in, to essentially having a roommate—that I felt so comfortable with almost instantly.
There is very little that is right in my screwed up life. I won’t allow myself to mess this up with Ian. He is my friend, that’s it.
***
“Hmmm, what is that smell?” I asked as I came around the corner. Ian turned around and smiled. “I made beef stew. Ronnie brought everything we needed when he came last.” I sat down at the breakfast bar and watched him move comfortably around my kitchen. “Can I help?” I asked. Shaking his head, “Nope.” As he put a couple of things in the sink, Ian turned and looked at me. “How are you feeling?” He asked as he furrowed his eyebrows. “A little sore.” Smiling as I remembered our earlier snow ball fight. “I know better, I just couldn’t help myself.” Ian’s mouth quirked up. “You’re lucky you’re an invalid, or I would have been forced to bring out the big guns.” He laughs as he flexes his biceps. I laugh, “You’re right, we wouldn’t want that!”
When I look back up, Ian is regarding me with an inquisitive look. “What?” I ask, feeling kind of nervous. “Nothing…I umm, I just like to hear you laugh. It’s nice.” He turns around to dish up our bowls, without expecting a response.
***
Dinner was great, and as we clean up the kitchen, I take a look out the window. “Wow Ian, it’s really coming down out there!” He walks over to the window and looks off to the left. “Man, I can’t even see my house.” I sneak a look at him, “I guess you aren’t going to make it home tonight.” I turn and walk away so he doesn’t see my face. “Yeah, I guess not.” He says very softly, and my heart falls just a little at what sounds like disappointment in his voice.
I walk over to the couch and look at the fire that Ian built. “Good job on the fire Ian.” I say as I prop my feet on the coffee table. “Yeah, it feels great, doesn’t it?” He says as he comes and sits on the other side of the couch. “Do you want to watch some TV?” I ask handing him the remote. “No, I think I want to talk.” I look at him, trying to figure out where he is going with this. “Oh? What about?” He turns toward me. “Well, I just realized that I don’t even know how old you are.” He says smiling. “We’ve gotten to be pretty good friends over these past couple weeks, but we managed to skip right over the basic information.” I laugh, “I guess we have, huh?” He nods. “Well?” He waggles his eyebrows at me. Smiling and shaking my head, I answer him. “I’m twenty-two, as of August. You?” He smiles, “Twenty-four. March birthday.” I take the next question, “Siblings?” He shakes his head. “Only child.” I nod, “Me too.” He asks his next question. “Where did you grow up?” I look at him, biting my bottom lip a little, “Umm, Denver. What about you?”
I can tell he noticed my pause before the last answer because he is watching me closely, the way he does when he’s trying to figure something out. “Colorado Springs.” He finally says. Still watching me, he asks, “Your parents? Are they still in Denver?” I start to shake—first my hands and then my entire body. “Ian?” I whisper, and I see him fly across the couch to me, pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry Ally. Shit! I’m so sorry baby.” He says as he rocks me. I close my eyes and press my face into his chest. Breathe Ally. Come back. Come back. I tell myself over and over. I try to concentrate on Ian—his arms around me, his voice soothing me. I try to list what I know is real—the smell of the fire, the sound of Ian’s voice, the smell of freshly laundered clothes from Ian’s shirt.
Slowly the trembling subsides and I begin to pull away from Ian. “Ally, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to….I didn’t know.” I try to smile at him, but I know it doesn’t look right. “It’s okay Ian. Should we watch some TV now?” I ask, as he continues watching me. He nods, reaching for the remote, but not letting me go. He places a pillow on his lap and pulls me down so my head rests on it. Turning on the remote and flipping through the channels, he starts to run his fingers through my hair as he searches for a show.
Chapter 26
~Ian
I pushed her too far. I was hoping to get a little more from her—find out more about who she is, and I took an innocent and fun conversation and made it traumatic for her. I’m such an asshole!
I’m hardly paying attention to the movie that’s on. I’m so distracted by how soft Ally’s hair is against my fingers, how much I love how she curls her hands underneath her chin when she lays down. Her little giggle as she watches silly sitcoms and movies, and her laughter. I have heard her laugh more and more in the past few days, but this afternoon was the first time I ever saw playful Ally. I hope when I close my eyes, I will see her playful face again in my mind.
“How’s your stomach feel Ally?” I ask as soon as the credits come on. She sits up and looks up at me, stretches a bit and smiles. “Not bad, considering you threw me down in the snow today.” With that she stands up and walks to the bathroom, and to add insult to injury, before she closes the door, she sticks her tongue out at me. I burst out laughing.
***
It is somewhere around 3:00 a.m., and I have finally finished the last of the documents I needed to edit. I close my laptop and pack the paperwork back into my folder. Before I seek out Ally, I decide to stoke the fire. The snow has slowed down, but it is still falling, and the accumulation has been significant. This is my first big snowstorm since moving here, and I am a little excited to see what we have to deal with when the sun comes up. I better ask Ally what kind of snow removal equipment we have up here.
I stop at the kitchen and grab a couple cups of coffee and go looking for Ally. “Ally?” I holler as I walk down the hallway. She doesn’t answer, and for a minute my heart beats faster as I wonder if she may have fallen asleep. When I don’t find her in her bedroom, I walk to the last door in the hallway. I haven’t ever been in there, but having looked everywhere else, I can only assume she is in there.
***
I knock and don’t get an answer, so I open the door and peek in. There she is, sitting at a workbench with headphones on and her iPod next to her. I lean against the door jam and look around the room. There are small buckets all along the shelves on the wall. Each of them is full of everything from colorful glass to stones, to what looks like broken pottery. I see the bag of grout that I brought from the hardware store and on the other side of the room is a large tool chest. I don’t want to scare her by walking up behind her, so I try to call her name again, this time much louder. “Ally!” She drops the tool she had in her hand and turns. When she sees me hold out the coffee, she smiles and pulls her earphones off. “Hey.” She says as I walk to her. “What is all of this?” I ask, handing her the coffee. She takes a sip and looks around. “This—is my hobby.” She smiles. God I love her smile! “Hobby? Geez Ally, this looks like more than a hobby, this stuff is amazing!” I hold up a round mirror surrounded by navy
, turquoise and crème colored glass. The pattern is so complex, and must have taken hours to place these tiles like this. “What do you do with all of the pieces you make?” I ask, leaning over her as she uses a glass cutter to shape the broken pieces to the right shape and size for placement. It’s fascinating to watch her work. “I sell them at an art boutique in town, Ronnie delivers them for me.” She seems almost embarrassed as she looks up at me. “Hey,” I say softly as I reach out and lift her chin with my finger, “These are really good Ally, you should be proud of yourself.” And there it is again…that smile.
As impressed as I am with what she is doing, I can’t help but just watch her instead. She digs in a bucket, pulling out several pieces of glass, throwing some back and keeping others for reasons unknown to me. As I watch her work, I realize that when she is really concentrating on something, she gets these two little lines between her eyebrows, and she bites her bottom lip. It’s so cute, and warms my heart to see her so relaxed.
I sit down—still watching, and can’t help but laugh as she tries repeatedly to blow a strand of her hair out of her face, watching it fly up and then land right back on her nose, and then laugh even harder when she turns and glares at me. “Okay, okay.” I say as I stand up and back away. As I walk out of the door, I swear I hear her giggle.
***
The sun is just starting to come up when Ally comes walking down the hall. Sitting down in front of the fireplace, she angles her head, looking out the window. “Wow, that’s some serious snow, huh?” I stand and walk to the window. “Do you have a snow blower?” I ask, looking over my shoulder. “Yes, it’s in my garage.” She says as she lays back and stretches her hands over her head. I raise my eyebrows and smirk at her, “You mean the garage with no car?” She looks over, rolling her eyes at me, “Ha, ha, Ian.” Her tone is dripping sarcasm. I wink at her and walk until I’m standing over her. “Hungry?” I say, holding out my hand to help her up. She reaches out and grabs my hand, pulling herself to her feet. I notice her breath catches as she winces in pain. “Still hurting?” I ask, my voice filled with concern. She nods, “Only sometimes, come on, let’s get some breakfast so we can tackle the snow.” I watch as she walks off toward the kitchen, feeling a bit of dread in my stomach because I just know there’s another argument coming on—there is no way she is tackling anything if she is in pain.