Because of course Gilbert didn't want him back and never had. Gilbert loved him but as a friend and a brother, nothing more.
Which was why Gilbert would object to their marriage. He took a breath to steady himself. "I told him yes. Yes, I will go through with this marriage."
Gilbert blinked at him, clearly caught off guard. "But ..." He floundered for a moment. "You and Julian, wouldn't you rather marry Julian?"
Now it was Marcel's turn to be surprised. "Julian and I are good friends, and I enjoy his company in and out of the bedroom, but we've never considered marriage and I shouldn't think we ever will."
"Oh." Gilbert looked away back towards the window, mouth turning down in a frown. It hurt Marcel more than he had thought possible that Gilbert so obviously did not want this.
"Are you sure?" Gilbert turned back, and Marcel's heart clenched again at the words.
He moved across the room to stand beside Gilbert and leaned against the desk as well. "I am sure," he said. "It's a good match, it makes sense, we know each other, we know we could do together." He gave Gilbert a small smile. "Is the idea of being married to me really that bad?"
"No." Gilbert shook his head. "I just thought ... Well, this may sound foolish, I know I have often enough make comments that such things were foolish, but I think at least one of us should marry for love."
I am, but Marcel didn't say that; he kept studying Gilbert's face. There was a certain wistfulness there, regret and sadness as well. Marcel frowned.
"Did something happen while I was gone?"
The panicked look that crossed Gilbert's face for a moment reminded Marcel of a small child caught stealing sweets. "No."
He was still a horrible liar, at least. Marcel's frown deepened. "There is something bothering you, I can tell."
Gilbert blew out a long breath in a sigh. "Nothing, it's nothing. Nothing important."
"You used to tell me things even when they weren't important." Marcel wanted to reach forward and run his fingers through Gilbert's hair, kiss him and promise to make it better. He crossed his functional arm over his chest instead. Obviously time apart had only lessened his ability to resist Gilbert's charms.
"Truly," Gilbert gave him a small frown that Marcel knew meant this was a subject Gilbert did not wish to speak on. "It's nothing of importance, not even worth speaking of."
"I bought you back a gift." Marcel changed the subject; he'd find out on his own later.
"Really?" Gilbert's mood lightened immediately.
"Not with me right now." Marcel felt a pang of regret at Gilbert's eagerness. He so enjoyed watching Gilbert receive gifts, mostly because Gilbert never seemed to expect them, but he was always delighted, although he often tried to hide it. "I'm sorry, I forgot it in the rush this morning. Next time we see each other, though, I think you will like it. It can be an engagement present if you like."
"Oh." Something seemed to occur to Gilbert, who looked guilty now. "I should pick you up something for the engagement as well. I hadn't thought ..."
"It's all right." Marcel gave into temptation and reached out, giving Gilbert's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I don't need anything, you know."
"Well, if we are to be engaged we should do it properly." Gilbert looked up at him through dark lashes all serious and earnest.
Marcel let his hand fall fighting down the too familiar urges. Maybe it would be best for them not to think about the marriage for a while. Not that he wanted to, the desire to suddenly cling to Gilbert, confess everything that Marcel had felt since they'd been children was strong. Maybe if Gilbert knew he wouldn't treat this marriage like the burden he obviously thought of it as. If he knew maybe he'd let Marcel try at least to make him happy, maybe … maybe he was just a colossal idiot when it came to the entire affair. "Do you want to show me your newest specimens?" He gave Gilbert a cocky grin that was only slightly forced. "I know you do."
"If you want."
Marcel let Gilbert lead the way out of the study and down the hall again, heading deeper into his wing of the palace.
Pausing in front of one of the door Gilbert unlocked it and led the way inside. There were long wooden tables that ran the length of the room, on which were cases of Gilbert's living collection of insects. Not only did Gilbert have thousands of different species native to the local area, Marcel knew, but he also had insects from all over the world.
At the far end of the room were another large desk and two floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto Gilbert's botanical garden. There were rows upon rows of beds, each plant labeled with a tiny metal plaque with the plant's scientific name and properties. Now most things were dead, dusted with frost and snow. Inside, though, the laboratory was kept warm year round to allow Gilbert's insects to thrive even in winter.
"These are new." Gilbert walked over to a large glass case containing pieces of old decaying wood and a nice bedding of leaves at the bottom. He took the mesh lid off of the top and stuck his hand into the class case while Marcel stood warily a few paces behind.
Gilbert had always been fearless when it came to insects, more intrigued and curious than anything else, even when faced with creatures capable of killing him. Marcel didn't mind the bugs—they did not disgust him as they did many others—but he had learned to be cautious over the years.
"They're called hissing cockroaches, and they are biggest roach ever recorded."
They certainly looked horrifying enough, Marcel saw as one crawled onto Gilbert's hand. It was three inches long, its shell mottled brown and black.
"They are wingless," Gilbert said gently, lifting the roach out of the case. "But they can climb almost anything. I have to coat the inside of their case with a lubricant to keep them from escaping. They eat vegetable material and prefer to live in rotting or wet wood. They're harmless and very friendly." He offered his hand with the roach to Marcel, expression eager to share this roach holding experience with Marcel, who fought hard not to take a step back.
"If it's all the same, I'd rather not." Just the idea of touching roaches or beetle like insects turned Marcel's stomach, but Gilbert was so enthusiastic over every creature that crawled that he often forgot which ones Marcel held a particular aversion to.
Gilbert shrugged with a small smile. "Suit yourself." He lowered the roach back into the case and secured the lid again. "Oh, I have gotten more beetles, but nothing you haven't seen. My old batch died, unfortunately. Let me see, what else do I have? Oh! I know."
He turned and headed across the room to one of the cabinets and opened it, taking out a display case. "Unfortunately, you are too late to see them still alive, but look." He turned the case for Marcel to see.
They were butterflies with delicate long white wings, tapered at the tips, with streaks of orange across the top of each wing.
"Zeltus etolus," Gilbert said. "Very rare, from the East. It took me forever to raise them correctly, but they are beautiful, aren't they?"
"They are." Marcel leaned close to have a better look. "Truly amazing."
"You should have seen them when they were alive. When they flew, the tips of their wings looked like streamers coming out behind them, fluttering in the breeze."
"I'm sorry I missed it." Marcel looked up, meeting Gilbert's gaze. There was sadness there Marcel hadn't expected to see, enough sadness to send a shock to through him, and he reached out without thinking to clasp Gilbert's shoulder again.
"Gilbert… ?"
"I'm sorry too." Gilbert pulled away, taking the case back over to its display cabinet. "Do you want to stay? I'll have tea brought up." He turned back to Marcel.
"That would be lovely." The desire to pull Gilbert close, hold him and make him tell Marcel what was wrong was still there, still strong. Marcel clenched his good hand against it. "But Gilbert, what is wrong?"
"It's nothing, you were just gone for so long and I missed you." Gilbert's shoulders were still hunched in a way Marcel didn't like.
"I should have written more." Marcel crossed the
space between them and pulled Gilbert into a hug.
"No, it's fine, true, I don't want you to feel badly." Gilbert pulled away from Marcel's embrace enough to look up at him. "I know the trip was important for your research and that you enjoyed it. I've just—been out of sorts lately."
Marcel scrutinized his face, trying to figure out if Gilbert really was fine. There was definitely something preying on his mind, which Marcel revolved to get to bottom of sooner than later. But the overwhelming sadness was in Gilbert's eyes, not erased but hidden away again.
"If you're sure." Marcel reached out and ruffled his fingers through Gilbert's hair, causing Gilbert to, as he always did, step back with a scowl and huff of indignation. Marcel chuckled at the look Gilbert's face. "So are any of your sisters at the palace today?"
"Out of luck, unfortunately." Gilbert led the way towards the door. "Charlotte is readying her troops to move back up to the Northern border. And Henri is trying to convince stuffy academics over at the University at Colline to take her new cataloging system for the library seriously. They should both be at the Christmas ball, though, unless Charlotte decided to move her troops out early."
"Your father said we should announce the engagement at the Christmas ball." It was a genius idea to bring back up the tenuous subject of their marriage. Marcel felt like kicking himself as soon as the sentence had left his mouth.
Gilbert paused as they came into one of the smaller sitting rooms. For a long moment, Marcel thought he wasn't going to answer. "Yes," Gilbert finally said. "Yes, that might be a good idea."
Idiot. They had spent less than two hours in each other's company since Marcel's return to Challant and in that time Marcel had mostly succeeded in upsetting Gilbert one way or another. He needed to get his head out of his own backside and remember how to be Gilbert's friend and nothing more. Gilbert was right; he had been gone for far too long if he couldn't even remember to do that.
For lack of anything better to do while he berated himself, Marcel settled on one of the couches.
"I've never seen that arm before."
Gilbert's soft words startled Marcel out of his bout of self-loathing, and he looked just as Gilbert settled beside him on the couch.
"Is it new?"
"It is, actually." He was fairly very close now, so Marcel concentrated on the prosthetic arm in question. It was indeed one of his new ones, and he was fairly impressed that Gilbert, who was not the most fashion forward of people, had noticed.
He had been born without his left arm and with his right leg twisted and unable to grow muscle properly. For most of his childhood, he'd gone without a replacement arm, but as an adult he enjoyed commissioning prosthetics as accessories for his outfits.
This one was porcelain, completely useless functionally but a beautiful piece of art. It was sculpted to look like a perfect human arm and hand out of fine white china, and it was painted with a dark blue cascade of flower blossoms that fell from his shoulder all the way to the tips of his fingers. His only regret about the piece was that it was cold enough outside that he was forced to cover most of it underneath a matching blue silk shirt and storm-grey jacket.
"It's beautiful." Gilbert reached out to touch the hand lightly, and when Marcel nodded approval, he took it between both of his own hands.
"One of my new ones." Marcel watched Gilbert inspect it with mild amusement. "I have several you've never seen."
"I can't wait to see them, then, although I do have a hard time understanding why you choose to wear ones that you can't manipulate in some way."
"Vanity."
Gilbert laughed out loud at that, and oh, but Marcel wanted this to be flirting. He wanted to kiss Gilbert, sink the fingers of his good hand into Gilbert's hair, make them both tremble...
A servant pushed the door open carrying a tray that he then set on the low table in front of them. The arrival of tea and cake distracted Gilbert enough that Marcel was able to shift discreetly on the couch.
"Here." Gilbert put a small plate with a piece of fruitcake in front of Marcel, licking crumbles of cake off his fingers, and Marcel avoided looking at him.
Gilbert poured them both tea and then sat back, tipping his face towards the ceiling. "What a mess it has all been over the last few months. Although," he seemed to brighten slightly and looked over at Marcel, "you should see the new college buildings. They're coming along splendidly. It won't be long now before we can open."
"Yes, I hope to see it soon." And search out the rest of the little new sciences scholars. He had some questions that needed answering, Marcel thought, watching Gilbert become withdrawn again. If anyone knew what was going on with Gilbert, it would be one of them. Probably Gregory, who had the uncanny knack of knowing about gossip-worthy things almost before they happened. He also was quite close with Gilbert, not as close as Marcel, of course, but if something had happened while Marcel had been away, Gregory would know.
Marcel sipped his tea. He needed to unpack and get his affairs in order, but then after that he was going to pay the Marquis de la Marche a visit.
*~*~*
"I am going to be officially engaged." Only in his shirtsleeves, Marcel knelt on the floor unpacking books he'd been storing at his sister's country house while he'd been away.
"What?" Julian turned from where he'd been gazing out of the window. "You're what?"
"Going to be engaged." Marcel smirked up at him. He felt incredibly pleased with himself to be able to say it out loud to someone. "To Gilbert." He watched Julian's eyes widen almost comically in his too-pretty face and struggled not to laugh. The whole engagement might be a mess, but it felt good to be able to say that and have it be true and not just another wishful fantasy.
"What!" Julian came to kneel beside Marcel. "Don't tell me you've finally convinced him to accept your feelings? Not after all these years of pining."
"I … well, no." Marcel's smile dropped, his good mood vanishing. He looked down at the book in his hands, rubbing his finger along its leather bound spine. "The emperor summoned me to the palace and told me we were to be engaged, Gilbert and I."
"Well." Julian's squeezed Marcel's shoulder. "Best of luck with that, although isn't it going to be hard? Being married to him, feeling the way you do but knowing he does not feel the same?"
Marcel leaned into the touch, letting his head rest against Julian's shoulder for a moment. Julian's arm slid around his shoulders, holding Marcel close. "Yes," he said after a long moment. "But I can't imagine living with anyone else, building a household with anyone else, perhaps even raising a child if we wished to adopt. For me, it has only ever been him."
"I know." Julian's voice was tinged with sympathy, and Marcel briefly felt his lips brush against the side of his temples before Julian let him go, reaching down to pick up one of the books and put it on Marcel's bookshelf. "I just don't want to see you get hurt." His voice was low, and Marcel sat up and twisted around so he could see the pensive expression on Julian's face. "I worry about you. I know you are so in love with him, always have been, but if he does not want this …"
"Don't." Marcel stood, paced across the room, not wanting to hear it. It was painful to have Julian even suggest that Gilbert would hurt him, that it wouldn't work, doubly so because Marcel knew Julian was right and this complicated, crazy affair was probably going to end in disaster.
"I'm sorry," Julian said from behind him. "But I don't want you get hurt or be trapped in a loveless marriage." There was a rustle as Julian stood, and Marcel thought of Julian's parents and the home they'd built on bitterness and despair, his anger draining away as he did so. He turned back around and held out his arms, and Julian went to him easily, wrapping his own arms around Marcel's waist. "I want you to be happy," he said into Marcel's shoulder.
"I know." Marcel let himself reach up and card his fingers through Julian's blond curls. "I want that for you as well."
Julian laughed a little and pulled back to look at Marcel with such open fondness that it made Marcel's b
reathe catch. What had been sexual between them was never meant to last forever, but Marcel hoped to always have Julian's friendship in his life. Learning forward, he let himself kiss those sweet lips because this would be the last time.
"Just take care of yourself," Julian said when they parted, cupping Marcel's face between his hands. "Promise me if it doesn't work you will walk away. Even if the emperor refuses to annual the marriage, promise me you will at least try to move on." He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Marcel's. "Try to win his heart, yes, but if he can't return your feelings, don't pine forever, please."
Marcel wasn't sure he was capable of walking away from something he'd wanted for as long as he'd wanted Gilbert, but he nodded, face so close to Julian's he could feel Julian's breath against his cheek.
"And remember I will always be here," Julian's hand tightened. "If you need me or need some place to retreat to, you can always come to me, not matter what happens."
There was nothing Marcel could possibly say to that, especially since he knew Julian meant it completely. Thank you seemed so little a thing to say to something like this, but still he was grateful, not just for this but everything Julian had put up with over the last few years. "You are too good to me." He pulled Julian close into a hug again. "If there is anything I can do to repay this …"
"Don't." Julian laughed and slid out of his grip. "You have nothing to repay, idiot." He sobered. "Just promise."
Marcel sighed and rubbed his fingers through his hair. "I promise."
"Good." Julian kissed him lightly on the cheek. "And my best wishes for your upcoming engagement. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some errands to run."
"Of course." Marcel squeezed Julian's hand before letting him go and watching as Julian collected his things to leave. With a sigh, he turned back to his half-full bookcase. He needed to meet with Gregory, but he wasn't sure if he could take having another one of his friends reminding him of how little a chance he had with Gilbert. Leaving the books on the floor, Marcel walked over to the settee, flopping down on to it and staring up at the ceiling.
Winter's Bees Page 2