The next day she looked subdued when Barbara arrived and there were dark circles under her eyes as she sat in her study, working. "You feeling okay?"
"More or less." There was a long pause as Barbara searched her eyes. "Justin moved out last night."
She wasn't sure what to say in answer. "Should I ask why, or should I mind my own business?"
Daphne smiled a tired smile. "It doesn't matter. It had to be like this." But she didn't sound convinced. She knew she would miss him. He had meant something to her for nine months and now it was over. It was bound to hurt for a while. Daphne knew that. She had lived with pain before. She'd live through it again.
Barbara nodded and sat down. "I feel bad for you, Daff. But I can't say that I'm sorry. He would have screwed you over for the next hundred years. He's just like that."
Daphne nodded. She couldn't disagree now. "I don't think he even knows he's doing it."
"I'm not sure if that's better or worse." It was a hell of a statement about the man.
"Either way, it hurts."
"I know." Barbara walked toward her and patted her shoulder. "What are you going to do now?"
"Go home. Andrew didn't like the school here anyway, and I don't belong here. I belong in New York, in my own place, writing my books, and being near Andrew." But it would all be different now. She had opened new doors since she'd left. Doors that would be hard to close, and she wasn't quite sure she remembered how to do it. It had been a lonely life for her in New York, and there had been a lot of joy at times with Justin.
"How soon do you want to leave?"
"It'll take me a couple of weeks to wrap up. I have some meetings at Comstock." She smiled ruefully then. "They want to talk to me about buying another book for a movie."
Barbara held her breath. "Will you write the screenplay?"
"Never again, my friend. Once is enough. I learned what I wanted to learn. But from now on, I write the books, they write the movies." Barbara looked depressed. She had figured that. Even if Daphne had stayed with Justin on the West Coast, it was unlikely she would have done it again. She hadn't written a book in a year, and Daphne had complained about it often. "So, we go home." It was an assumption that Barbara didn't dare counter, and that night she told Tom as she fell apart in his arms, sobbing.
"For God's sake, Barb. You don't have to go with her." He looked like he was going to cry too.
But she shook her head. "Yes, I do. I can't leave her now. She's all broken up over Justin."
"She'll survive. I need you more."
"She has no one but me and Andrew."
"And whose fault is that? Her own. Are you going to sacrifice our life for hers?"
"No." She only cried harder as he held her, and then at last she quieted down. "It's just that I can't leave her now." It was in a way what she had gone through years before with her mother, and now Daphne wasn't there to help her gain her freedom. Her mother had died the year before in the home and now Barbara was tied to Daphne.
Tom looked unhappily at the woman he loved. "Then how soon can you leave her?"
"I don't know."
"That's not good enough, Barb. I can't live with that." And then with a look of total despair he poured himself a stiff drink. "I just don't believe you'd do this. After what we've had for the last year, you're going back to New York with her. For chrissake, dammit, that's crazy!" He was shouting at her and she started to cry again.
"I know it is. But she's done so much for me, and Christmas is coming and ..." She knew how hard Christmas was every year for Daphne. And she also knew that Tom didn't understand. There was no reason why he should; but she didn't want to lose him. That was too high a price to pay, even for Daphne. "Look, I promise, I'll come back. Just give me some time to get her settled in New York again and then I'll tell her."
"When?" The word came at her like a shot. "Tell me a day, and I'll hold you to it."
"I'll tell her the week after Christmas. I promise." "How much notice will you give her?" He wasn't giving an inch.
She wanted to say a month, but she quailed at what she saw in his eyes. He looked like a wounded beast, and she hated to leave him more than she hated leaving Daphne. "Two weeks."
"All right. So you'll be back here six weeks after you leave?"
"Yes."
"Will you marry me then?" His ferocious expression never changed.
"Yes."
He smiled slowly then. "All right, dammit. I'll let you go back to New York with her then, but don't ever do anything like this to me again. I can't take it,"
"Neither can I." She folded herself into his arms.
"I'll come to New York on the weekends."
"You will?" She looked up at him with wide happy eyes, and she looked half of forty.
"I will. And with any luck at all, I'll get you pregnant before you even come back, and then I know you'll have to keep your word." She laughed at the radical suggestion, but the idea didn't displease her. He had long since convinced her that she wasn't too old to have at least one or two babies.
"You don't have to do that, Tom."
"Why not? I'd enjoy it."
They spent every minute together that they could, and Tom came to the airport when they left. Daphne looked very New York in a black suit and a mink coat and hat, and Barbara was wearing the new mink jacket he had bought her. "You two certainly look chic." There was no trace of Los Angeles about them. And when he kissed Barbara, he whispered, "See you on Friday." She smiled and held him close and then they boarded the plane and took their seats and Daphne glanced at Barbara.
"You don't look too upset. Do I sense a plot afoot?" Barbara blushed and Daphne laughed at the truth. "How soon is he coming to New York? On the next flight?"
"Friday."
"Good for you. If I were halfway decent I'd can you right here and now and throw you off the plane." Barbara watched her face but it was obvious that she didn't mean it. Daphne was looking very pale beneath her dark fur hat, and Barbara knew that she had seen Justin the night before. She suspected that it wasn't an easy meeting. Eventually, after lunch, Daphne told her about it.
"He's already living with that girl."
"The one from Ohio?" Daphne nodded. "Maybe he'll marry her." And then she was instantly sorry she had said it. "I'm sorry, Daff."
"Don't be. You may be right, but I doubt it. I don't think men like Justin marry anyone at all. I just wasn't smart enough to know that." They talked about Andrew then, and Daphne said she was going up to see him that weekend. "I was going to ask you to come, but now that I know you've got better plans ..." They exchanged a smile, and then Barbara decided to tackle something she had thought of for a long time.
"What about Matthew?"
"What about him?" Daphne's eyes were instantly guarded.
"You know what I mean." They had been together for too long to play games.
"Yes, I do. But he's just a friend, Barb. It's better that way." And then she smiled. "Besides, Andrew says he has a girl friend. And I happen to know he's right. Matt told me about her in September."
"I have the feeling that if he knew you were free, he would dump her in about ten minutes."
"I doubt that, and it's not important. Andrew and I have a lot of catching up to do when I get back, and I want to start the new book before Christmas." Barbara wanted to tell her that that wasn't good enough, but she knew Daphne didn't want to discuss it. They each sat lost in her own thoughts. Barbara was relieved about the silence. She felt uncomfortable lying to Daphne about Tom and she wasn't ready to tell her they were getting married.
They arrived in New York, and Daphne grinned broadly as they drove into town. "Welcome home." But it no longer felt like that to Barbara. She already missed Tom. All Daphne could think of was Andrew. She talked about him nonstop for the next few days, and at the end of the week she took her car out of storage and drove up to see him. She could hardly wait as she drove along, singing and smiling. There was snow on the ground almost all the way up and i
t was a long tedious drive, but she didn't mind it. She had to stop and have chains put on her tires, but never for a moment did she long for the balmy sunshine of California. All she wanted was to be near Andrew. She arrived in town well after nine, and she drove straight to the inn and called Matt to tell him that she had arrived and would be over in the morning. But one of the teachers answered his phone and told her he was out. So be it, she whispered to herself as she looked out the window. It was no longer time to think of him, he had his own life now, and she had Andrew. And the next morning when she got to the school, they had a grand reunion.
"And now we'll never be apart anymore." It was amazing to think that the year was over. "I'm going to come and get you in two weeks and we'll spend the whole Christmas vacation together at my apartment." The visits to California had proven beyond any doubt that he was ready to leave the school for long periods of time, but he looked at her and shook his head.
"I can't, Mom."
"You can't?" She looked shocked. "Why not?"
"I'm going on a field trip.' Barbara was right. He had his own life, even now.
"Where?" Daphne felt her heart sink. She was going to spend Christmas alone.
"I'm going skiing." And then he grinned. "But I'm coming back before New Year's. Could I come then?"
"Sure you can." She laughed softly. How life had changed in a year.
"Can we blow horns on New Year's Eve?"
"Yes." But it struck her as a funny request, he wouldn't be able to hear them.
"I love the way they feel, they tickle my mouth, and everyone else will hear the noise." There was definitely the eight-year-old inside him, despite his new independence.
And then Matthew joined them and Daphne smiled. "Hi, Matt. I hear you're taking Andrew skiing."
"I'm not. I'm staying here to finish up. But there's a whole bunch of them going to Vermont with some of the teachers."
"That ought to be fun." But he was watching the sadness he saw in her eyes.
"You wanted him in California for Christmas?" She hadn't yet told him that she'd moved back. She had just had Barbara call and tell them at the school that Daphne was in New York for the moment.
"No. I thought I'd stay in New York." She searched his eyes but she saw nothing there. "Andrew says he'll come down for New Year's."
"That sounds great." Their eyes met and held over the boy's head and a thousand thoughts went unspoken.
"When are you leaving, Matt?"
"On the twenty-ninth. I For a while I thought I'd stay here, but they need me too much at the New York School." He smiled. "That doesn't sound very humble, but Martha says she'll quit if I don't come back, and they can't afford to lose us both. She's the one who's really valuable to them."
"Don't be so modest. They're going to miss you like crazy up here."
"No, they won't. The new director is arriving from London next week, and judging from her correspondence, she's terrific. And I'll be coming up pretty often, to visit the troops on weekends." With that, Daphne understood that Harriet Bateau was still in the picture. It gave her her cue for the next moves, and she was careful with them. For a mad moment she had wondered if Barbara was right, that she should let him know she was free, but she had no right to do that to him now, and the fact was mat there was no reason to think it would make any difference to him.
"Why aren't you going skiing with the kids?" But she assumed that she already knew.
"I want to stay here with the kids who can't go." She nodded, but she understood the real reason. He went back to his work then and she only saw him in brief moments during her visit. He was desperately busy, getting things ready for the new director. And as had often happened before, it wasn't until her last night that they had time to sit down and talk after Andrew went to bed. She had decided to tackle the roads and drive home on Sunday night. For the first time in a long time, being in New Hampshire depressed her.
"So how's California these days, Daff?" He handed her a cup of coffee and sat down in his familiar chair.
"It was all right the last I saw of it. I've been in New York since Monday."
"That's nice for Andrew that you're staying through Christmas. I gather your friend still isn't anxious to meet him. Or is he here with you?" It was the perfect opportunity to tell him, but she didn't.
"No, he's not. I have to get started on my next book."
"Don't you ever relax?" His smile was gentle, but he was vaguely distant.
"No more than you do. From what I've seen in the last two days, you're entitled to a nervous breakdown."
"I am. But I don't have time to collect it."
"I know the feeling. The last few weeks of making Apache were absolutely nuts, but the wrap was great." She told him about the last day and the wrap party, and he smiled as he listened. She had a nice way of weaving a tale and she was keeping the conversation from coming too close. She was still hurting too much to open up very much, even to him. It wasn't so much that she missed Justin. But she felt defeated. By Justin and the twenty-two-year-old girl from Ohio. Nothing like that had ever happened to her before. Or would again, she promised herself daily.
"What I'll you do for Christmas with Andrew gone?" There was concern in his eyes, but maybe Justin would come in to be with her. The last time he had talked to her about him, she had said that they would probably get married.
"I'll have plenty to do." It seemed an adequate answer and he nodded. There was a long pause then as they both sat lost in their own thoughts, and he found himself thinking of Harriet. She was a nice girl, but she wasn't for him, and they both knew it. She had started seeing someone else a few weeks before, and he suspected that any day he would hear of her engagement. She was ripe to get married, and there were plenty of people who would jump at the chance, but he wasn't one of them. He didn't love her. And she deserved better than that, he had told her that the last time he saw her. Daphne was watching him as he sat lost in thought. "You look awfully serious, Matt."
He glanced at the fire and then at her. "I was thinking how times change." Daphne wondered how deeply involved he was with that girl. Maybe he was getting married. But she didn't want to ask him now. She had enough with what she was going through, and when he wanted to, he would tell her.
"Yes, they do. I can't believe this year is over."
"I told you it wouldn't be forever." He looked quiet and wise, and she noticed that there was more gray in his hair now than there had been a year before. "And Andrew did just fine." He smiled at her then. "You didn't do too badly either."
"Andrew did well, thanks to you, Matt."
"That's not true. Andrew did well because of Andrew." She nodded then, and after a little while she stood up.
"I'd better go if I'm going to tackle those roads tonight."
"Are you sure you should?" He worried and she smiled. He had given her so much comfort in the past year, it was difficult not to reach out to him now, but she knew it wouldn't be right for him. He seemed content, and he had said himself that times had changed. It was better left at that.
"I'll be fine. I'm indestructible, you know."
"Possibly, but there's a hell of a lot of snow on those roads, Daff." And then as he walked her to the door, "Why don't you call me when you get home?"
"Don't be silly, Matt. It'll be three or four in the morning. That's my time of day, not any other normal human being's."
"Never mind that, just call. I'll go right back to sleep. I want to know you're okay. If you don't call me, I'll stay up and keep calling you." It was an offer above and beyond the call of duty, and reminiscent of their old friendship.
"All right, I'll call. But I hate to wake you." She thought about it again as she drove slowly south on the icy roads. It took her even longer than she thought and she didn't get home until five in the morning. It seemed a crime to call, and yet she had to admit that she wanted to. She dialed his number from her desk, and a moment later he picked up the phone, sounding sleepy.
"Matt? I'm hom
e." She spoke in a whisper.
"Are you okay?" He glanced at the clock as he asked. It was five fifteen in the morning.
"I'm fine. Now go back to sleep."
"That's all right." He rolled over in bed with a sleepy smile. "This reminds me of when you used to call from California." She smiled too, it was an odd sort of hour and it was easier to let one's guard down. "I've missed you, you know. Sometimes it's strange when you pop in here. I'm busy and there are ten thousand people around."
"I know. I feel awkward too." They sat in silence for a moment and she thought she ought to let him go back to sleep. "Are you happy these days, Matt?" She wanted to ask him about Harriet but she still didn't dare.
"Pretty much. I'm too busy to ask myself that most of the time. What about you?"
For a moment she faltered, then her guard went up again. "I'm all right."
"Getting married?" He had to ask.
"No." But she didn't offer any further information. "I think Barbara is, though."
"The guy in L.A.?"
"Yes. He's just super. She deserves someone like that."
"So do you. ..." The words had sneaked out and he instantly regretted them. "I'm sorry, Daff. That's none of my business." Why not?
"It's okay. I've cried on your shoulder a lot in the last year."
"You're not crying anymore, are you, Daff?" He sounded sad and Daphne knew he was asking about Justin.
"Not lately."
"I'm glad. You deserve good things in your life."
"So do you." Her eyes filled with tears then and she felt stupid. He had a right to be happy with that girl, but she knew she was going to miss him. Once he left Howarth she would have no excuse to call him. They might have lunch once in a while, but that would be all, and maybe not even that if he was married. "Go back to bed now, Matt. It's so late."
He yawned and glanced back at the clock. It was almost six o'clock, and he had to get up. "You get some sleep too. You must be bushed after that drive."
"A little."
"Good night, Daff. I'll talk to you soon."
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