I started to slow down, to try and close down the conversation without being obvious about it. I didn’t want to even think about the reason why I needed to get away from him; I might blurt it out in front of everyone. And then everything would come undone. Finally, desperate to get away, I shifted off to the side, away from Jaxon. Instead of taking the hint, he just moved closer to me—closing even the distance that had been between us before, so he was only inches away from me instead of feet away. My heart was not just beating faster; it was pounding in my chest. “Mia,” Jaxon murmured. “God, Mia…” I was frozen in my spot. I knew I should get up and go talk to one of the other girls or guys on the team, but I couldn’t make myself do it.
“Jax…please.” Jaxon shook his head.
“I want you, Mia,” he told me, his voice still low, for my ears only. I looked around in a panic; no one was paying attention to us, but I could feel my whole body warming up and tingling. My cheeks were burning—I knew I was blushing bright red.
“Shh,” I told Jaxon, looking around again. “You can’t even seriously want to talk about this here in front of everyone.” Jaxon glanced around the room.
“It’s true, though,” he told me. His voice was still quiet, but more intense—almost desperate. “I do want you. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
“Not now, Jaxon. We can’t do this now.” It would only be too easy for us to start talking and end up making out, right there in front of everyone. I could feel my body itching for it already—I had to get away from him without making a scene. Jaxon pressed his lips together and took a deep breath.
“Fine,” he said, glancing around the room again. “Not now. But we have to talk about this.” I sighed. All we’d done—in the last several weeks, anyway—was talk. We’d talked even while I was burning up for him, we’d talked when all I wanted to do was rip Jaxon’s clothes off and go down on him, or throw myself on top of him. But even though things had mostly gone back to normal on the surface, I knew I couldn’t just tell him no. We’d have to talk about it again.
“Okay. Fine. We’ll talk. But not here and not now.” Jaxon held me in his stare for a long moment before he nodded. I swallowed against the tight feeling in my throat and stood up quickly. Someone asked where I was going and I said in as cheerful a voice as I could muster that I’d been sitting too close to the fire and needed to get some air.
I knew it was a huge mistake. It couldn’t end any way but badly. Jaxon and me, alone together in a room somewhere—probably his room? I would barely need any encouragement at all to fall into him again, and completely undo everything we’d tried to accomplish by just being brother and sister to each other. It wasn’t fair. Standing outside, I almost hated Jaxon for pulling something like this on me when I’d just started to really get used to the way things were. But I couldn’t lie to myself; I hadn’t really and truly gotten over him. Things were still weird, still tense between us, even while we were pretending everything was okay. We’d have to have it out again.
Chapter Nine
I managed to put Jaxon off when we got back to campus from the tournament; I told him I was exhausted, just too tired to do anything but take a shower, get some dinner and go to sleep. When I started to walk away, I could tell pretty easily that he wasn’t willing to wait very long to have the conversation he wanted to have. I just didn’t know if I could deal with it. I didn’t know if I could manage to hold my ground and keep him from coming for me, if I could keep myself from just falling into his arms and letting him convince me.
I put him off a few days more, mostly by avoiding him. I knew it was silly; one way or another, Jaxon would end up having the talk he wanted to have, and I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever. I knew I couldn’t even avoid him for very long, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I was scared of what it would be like to actually be alone with him again. I knew that I hadn’t lost one little bit of my attraction to him since we’d been playing the role of brother and sister—though we hadn’t told anyone, or at least I hadn’t told anyone, that that’s what we were. In the back of my mind, I was still all twisted up, still all wrapped up in Jaxon. It was stupid, but it was the truth.
Jaxon seemed to realize that I needed a little space before we could have the conversation he wanted; I expected him to immediately call me out on avoiding him—going to class early, coming straight back to the dorm, not spending my free time in the frat house where he could waylay me. But instead of him texting or calling, he didn’t say anything about it, and I had to think that he was a little afraid of what being alone together would be like, too.
I thought about how miserable it had been when we’d been together; not because we were bad for each other, but because neither of our parents was even remotely okay with it. It had taken Mom weeks to be okay with me again, to talk to me like I was a normal person and the daughter she loved instead of some freak. Even at Christmas, everything had been incredibly tense, and I’d been waiting for someone to talk about the whole crazy situation—but none of us did. Everyone wanted to pretend it had never happened, that it had been some weird dream we’d all had.
And then there was the issue with our lives on campus. Everyone had fallen back into the normal state of things. Everyone just assumed that Jaxon and I had worked out whatever beef had been between us, since we hung out around each other and with each other—always around other people—without being weird or hinky. We acted the same way that we had before we’d ever had sex, at least on the surface. If we dredged up all the ugliness, all the insanity again, it would be the talk of the frat, at least behind our backs. Everyone would look at me differently. I wouldn’t just be one of the guys anymore. I hated that feeling. Even if Jaxon and I managed to talk together without ending up in bed, there’d be that tension again, and everyone would speculate about what the hell was going on between us. I hated the idea of it. I hated even thinking that it could be that way again.
I just wanted to be able to get over Jaxon, and have him get over me. I wanted to pretend like there was nothing between us other than friendship. I wished his stupid dad would just divorce my mom—and then I felt terrible, because Mom really was happy. She really loved Bob. She’d been alone for so long and it wasn’t fair to her after everything she’d sacrificed for me to expect her to throw it all away. But I couldn’t see any other way: either Mom and Bob breaking up, or Jaxon and me staying apart from each other. They wouldn’t tolerate us being together, and I couldn’t stand the idea of just pretending whenever we were around them.
The whole time I was trying to avoid Jaxon, in spite of him giving me space, I was miserable. I hung out with the guys whenever I knew Jaxon wouldn’t be around, though I didn’t say anything about it. I stayed in my room as much as possible even though I hated the fact that I was being such a coward. I’ve never been a coward in my life. I always threw myself head first into any fight, anything I was scared of; I wasn’t the girl to run away, I was the girl to jump in. I hated that the situation with Jaxon had made me so frightened of what could happen between us that I was actually avoiding him rather than just telling him point blank that there was nothing else we could do and if he couldn’t handle it we’d just have to not spend any time together at all.
That was impossible, though. We were both on the same team; we had to spend time together around our parents. If we hated each other, it would be just as bad as if we flaunted our feelings for each other in front of Mom and Bob. We couldn’t just ignore each other’s existence, and I couldn’t just avoid the conversation forever. We had to have it out again. I had to make Jaxon understand that no matter how much I wanted him and no matter how much he wanted me, we just couldn’t be together.
After three days, Jaxon called me. My classes were over for the day, and I realized when my phone rang that his were, too. He was free for the rest of the day and all night. It was time. “Hey,” I said, my heart already starting to beat faster. Part of my mind was ready, willing, and anxious even to be in the same
room as him. Another part of my mind was completely terrified of the idea. There was no way this could end well.
“Frat’s empty—guys are all out at a game, or hitting a party at Sigma Delta.” I bit my bottom lip.
“You inviting me over?” My throat felt dry. I couldn’t turn him down; I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
“Yeah, come on by. We need to talk about things.” I took a deep breath.
“Okay. I’ll be there in twenty.” I hung up without even saying goodbye—I thought it would be stupid, seeing as how I was right about to see him. I brushed my hair, tied it back in a ponytail, and put on my shoes, taking as much time as I possibly could. The longer I took, the longer it would be until I had to deal with Jaxon. I told myself I was being stupid and that I should just go ahead and get it over with.
I walked across campus to frat row, steeling myself against whatever Jaxon would say. He had made it clear that he wanted me. I knew I wanted him, but I knew that there was no way it would ever work. We just couldn’t do it. I practiced what I would say in my head as I walked, trying to imagine everything Jaxon could say in response. “This is crazy, Jax. We both know we can’t do this. There’s no way for this to end that isn’t ugly unless we just grin and bear it.”
Jaxon was true to his word; when I got to the Phi Kappa house and knocked on the door, it was absolutely deserted. “Hey,” he said, answering the door. I swallowed. My heart was pounding. My brain was repeating over and over again what a terrible idea it was, and how it was just doomed, absolutely doomed, to be ugly. At least no one’s around to see it get ugly, my brain oh-so-helpfully pointed out.
“Why aren’t you out partying with everyone else?” I asked as Jaxon let me into the house and started towards the staircase up to the bedrooms. Jaxon looked at me levelly.
“Because I know your schedule and I know if I didn’t talk to you now you’d put me off another week.” I smiled weakly. It was true. I’d be miserable the whole time—but I’d do it. I followed him up the stairs, my heart beating faster, my skin tingling all over. In spite of how much I was dreading the situation, I felt myself starting to get turned on just by being around Jaxon—it was impossible not to be turned on by him, not to feel my body starting to respond to how hot he is.
We got to Jaxon’s room and for a long moment we were both completely silent. I watched him; Jaxon was fidgeting a little bit, shifting his weight from foot to foot, and worrying at his bottom lip with his teeth. “If you’re not ready to talk…” I said, trying to keep my voice from sounding too hopeful. I didn’t want to do this—I didn’t want to be alone with him where it was only a matter of time before we ended up in each other’s arms. But Jaxon shook his head.
“No, I’m ready to talk.” He took a deep breath and met my gaze. “Mia, I can’t stop thinking about you.” I felt my throat starting to tighten.
“Jaxon—you know we can’t go down this road,” I said, feeling my hands starting to shake, my heart beating faster and faster. “Our parents—” Jaxon shook his head quickly.
“I don’t care about my dad. I don’t care what he thinks. You’re the only girl I want, Mia.” Jaxon smiled slightly. “I’ve tried to get over you, I’ve tried to just let it pass, but it’s not going anywhere.” He shook his head again and sat down heavily on his bed. I pressed my lips together, trying to fight down the rising sense of panic rushing through me.
“We just need more time,” I suggested. In spite of how panicked I felt, I couldn’t help but be flattered—almost giddy—at the fact that in spite of everything, Jaxon still wanted me. I couldn’t lie to myself either; I wanted him. “It’ll go away, we just… we have to give each other space, maybe, or just—just date other people.” Jaxon combed his fingers through his hair.
“No,” he said. “It’s not going to work, and you know it. I know you want me, Mia, even if you don’t want to want me. We’re perfect for each other, Mia—can’t you see that?” I was shaking. I couldn’t do it—my head was spinning with so many thoughts, and I knew that I should be telling Jaxon that we just couldn’t do it. I knew I should be pointing out to him that just because he had a bad relationship with his dad, didn’t mean that having a relationship with me was going to improve things—it would probably make them worse.
And in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help the tiny little thought that he was right; how long had we been trying to just be brother and sister to each other? All the while, in spite of how well it had been going on the surface, I had never lost my feelings for him—not really. I was still attracted to him, I still wanted him. I had to be careful not to touch myself in the shower, in bed, while thinking about him. I had been exhausted over having to stop myself thinking about him. And no matter how hard I’d tried to move on, I still had feelings for him.
“Jaxon, we can’t do this. I can’t do this. There’s just… I know your Dad and you have problems, but I can’t do this to my mom—we can’t… we can’t be like this.” I felt like I was about to black out, like I was about to faint—and I’ve never fainted in my life, even when I broke bones. I felt like I was about to cry. I had to get out of there. “Jaxon, we just can’t. I can’t be with you.” Before I even knew what I was doing, I was hurrying through his bedroom door, rushing, running down the hall, clattering down the stairs. All I could think of was that I just had to get out of there. I didn’t know or care if Jaxon said anything. All I cared about was getting away.
Chapter Ten
I just barely made it to the door. I had my hand on the handle; I was only moments away from getting out of the frat house, away from the incredibly uncomfortable and panic-inducing situation with my stepbrother. I heard steps behind me—but I didn’t have time to react before Jaxon’s hands closed on my shoulders. “Mia, stop,” he said, slightly out of breath. He must have been hot on my heels—he must have started after me right after I left his room. My hand fell away from the door handle.
Jaxon turned me around to face him, one hand leaving my shoulder and moving up to tilt my face up, to make me look at him. My heart was beating fast still, I still felt light-headed, but I steadied myself just a little bit as Jaxon looked down into my eyes. “You know we can’t deny this, Mia,” he told me, his voice low. “You can’t deny it any more than I can. I love you.” I started—I couldn’t quite believe that he had actually said it. I was so surprised that I replied before I could even think about what I was saying.
“I love you, too.”
Jaxon leaned in, closing the distance between us; I was still so surprised that for a long moment even after his lips pressed to mine, I didn’t—I couldn’t—react at all. Jaxon began to deepen the kiss, his tongue swiping along my lips, and I came back to myself all at once; part of me still wanted to run away, but another part—much louder in my mind—wanted nothing more than to stay. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pressing my body close to him as Jaxon’s tongue plunged into my mouth, batting at my tongue, exploring everywhere, tasting me. He nipped at my bottom lip playfully and I heard myself moaning, felt the jolt of heat shoot through me.
Jaxon’s hands started moving over my body, trailing along my waist, tickling my ribs, moving up to my breasts over my clothes. I made a noise—something between a whimper and a moan—as he touched me everywhere, his hands firm but gentle against me. I leaned up onto the balls of my feet, pressing every inch of my body against him, my head beginning to spin not from panic but from desire. I threaded my fingers in his hair, and Jaxon pressed me up against the wall, his hips pushed up against mine. I could feel the hardening ridge at the front of his pants where he was starting to get an erection, pressing against my hip.
He broke away from my lips and kissed along the line of my throat, rocking his hips against mine slowly, and I felt myself getting more and more turned on by the moment, completely forgetting everything I had said; forgetting the stakes, forgetting that we were technically related. All I could think about was that I wanted him. I moaned out,
tilting my head back as Jaxon worked his way up from the base of my throat to my lips, kissing me again until I was completely breathless, unable to think, my body on fire from head to toe, every nerve tingling. “Come on,” he murmured, pulling back from me and taking my hand.
Jaxon moved away from the front door of the frat house, leading me by the hand back towards the stairs. For a second I was totally disoriented—I couldn’t even think. But once my brain caught up to what we were doing, I realized that I was more than okay with it. I could feel the slick sensation of my pussy already starting to get wet, my nipples were hardening, straining against the fabric of my bra, my whole body was completely and totally ready for more. I didn’t care in the slightest if this was a huge mistake—I wanted it. I wanted him.
We hurried up the stairs together, Jaxon’s hand holding mine tightly. I looked around; no one was at the frat house—for once, we were actually completely and totally alone together. More alone than we had ever been at Bob’s house, more alone than we had really been the first time we’d had sex on the couch downstairs. Jaxon led me down the hallway back to his room and opened the door all in one movement, propelling me into the room first and then closing the door behind him. He pressed me against the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning in close to kiss me again. I trailed my hands all over his body, feeling the heat of him underneath his clothes, feeling the tightness across his back and shoulders as we rubbed up against each other, just getting hotter and hotter.
Jaxon’s hands moved down my body and he found the hem of my sweater. He tugged it up, along my ribs, barely breaking from the kiss long enough to get it over my head. He pulled back, realizing that I had more clothes on underneath, and chuckled lowly, shaking his head in pretend exasperation. “God, fuck winter,” he muttered. I laughed breathlessly, trembling a little bit from how turned on I was. Jaxon tugged my undershirt free of my jeans and dragged it up along my body, and I threw my arms up over my head to help him pull it free.
Stepbrother JEEZ! (The Stepbrother Romance Series - Book #4) Page 5